Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Keep the Aspidistra Flying by George Orwell

Man declares war on money. Man gets neurotic about money. Man gives up, gets a proper job and settles down. The end.

the telegraph one is easily better than the independant. whoever wrote the independant one is trying to be clever when in actual fact hes not getting the jist of the story across just "clever" wordplay, whereas the telegraph one says all that needs to be said then quotes some of the better ones. just my 2 cents.

Dante The Divine Comedy.

Dynamics duo's three steps to heaven

" Black Beauty " by Anna Sewell.

A horse tells everything a field of horses does , but is too polite and victorian to mention they shit,piss and fuck.

Al Q'oran by Mohamedd

An epileptic nut case Hasheesheen dreams about blowing up/ exterminating Jews and Christians, then leaving his four wives and having 77 virgins.

Notes. "hasheesheen" is arabic for a Hashish eater or taker, whence derives (via French) the English word " Assassin ". Hashish was/is used to alleviate epilepsy and eliminate fear in warriors of the Jihad.

" The Harbringer of the Storm " by Alexei Maximovich Gorky

How to take the piss out of Lenin , Stalin and communism/ fascism/ socialism and get away with it, having a City named after you, too !

Note. Only an ornithologist would understand this !In this short poem he does it better than Orwell's "Animal Farm"

" Puddenheaded Wilson " by Mark Twain

How to take the piss out of slavery, racism and being "sold down de ribber " then get called a racist for doing so!Best detective yarn ever !

"The Man Who Laughed" by Victor Hugo

Kidnapped child disfigured by gypsies, becomes ever-smiling carnival freak, Gwynplaine; saved by Ursus. Revealed to be English Lord. People laugh. Lover dies, he commits suicide.

"Anne of Green Gables"

Absent-minded, hair-obsessed orphan disrupts life of old people.

Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding

Hideous, self-obsessed yuppie can't get a man, because she thinks she's too good for everyone. Gets a man. He's hideous too.

Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Coupland

Girl falls asleep for ages. Wakes up really thin, mysteriously causing everyone else to fall asleep.

Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby

Boy goes to football with his Dad, then goes to football on his own, then thinks about football a lot, then Arsenal win the league.

Jaws by Peter Benchley

Fin.

Ha ha. Maybe we should have a thread summarising books in one word.

Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy

Long before the Open University, blue collar lad’s faith in upward mobility via education is brutally crushed by combined forces of religion and conventional morality.

Day of the Jackal - Frederick Forsythe

Sniper misses, eventually.

" My Husband ; a Life." By
Ethelfreda Batthingthwaite-Winterbotham of Little Peover, Cheshire, as told to Peter Tatchell and Peter Hain , MP.

Quote from the Quarterly Magazine of the Preston Guild of Master and Journeymen Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers & Ancillary Trades :-
This is in three Volumes with an Appendix of 1,282,419 references. Almost half the pages in each volume are made up of references. Volume one is entitled:-
" Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring from the Iron Age to the 20th Century"
Chapter 1 " Iron Age Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring Sites and Artefacts" argues that the 2,180 sites where artefact such as discarded bow-drills and partly bored toothbrush handles made of ivory and walrus tusks shows Toothbrush Hole Boring was the major industry and trade of the British Isles in this period, and exported as far away as Gwalior where the Gwaikor of Gwalior had gold toothbrush handles sent to the British Isles to have their holes bored; the Chinese Wo-shan Wun ( Marsh lands of the Yiang ‘se Kiang) where the tooth brush handles were smuggled in exchange for Chia or Green Tea, pre-packed Chow Mien and Number 14 with Egg Noodles in a Pak Choi Sauce; and Easter Island, where most of the mysterious giant statues are meant to be holding toothbrushes.
Chapter 2. " Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer." This chapter discusses the derivation of the word " Hun" from a phrase in Germanic language , meaning United Tribes of Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers; and claims Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer was right to attack and sack Rome, because the Senate had imposed huge duties on imported toothbrush handles, to protect the failing toothbrush handle hole boring industry of Tuscany. The Praetorian Guard and other Roman Legions had been decimated because a shortage of toothbrushes had lead to an outbreak of toothache and gum diseases; an early example of a rich and despotic lifestyle without proper dental hygene resulting in catastrophe.
(to be continued )

Hamlet

There's much clever scheming, a lot of people die, quite a few go mad, and the basic storyline manages to become Shakespeare's longest play - wow!

25 word

"The Man who Would be King" by Rudyard Kipling.

"You went to Afghanistan?!? F**k me! WHY???"

Lord of the Flies

Stranded Pork-loving kids kill chubby chatterbox shell-collector.
Descent into savagery and pork worship until hero recued by responsible adults.

"The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie

Man writes a book which causes him to go into hiding ... from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's lawyers.

"The Hound of the Baskervilles" by Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle.

Yes It Is About A Dog.

"Tarzan", by Edgar Rice Burroughs

"A Tiger? In Africa???"

"Malleus Mallefiscarum" ("Hammer of the Witches") by Sprenger & Kramer

"Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

"Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire", by Edward Gibbon

"But what have the Romans ever done for us?"

"Kes" (aka "A Kestrel For A Knave") by Barry Hines

"It has shuffled off this mortal coil, and joined the choir invisible" etc etc etc

Irvine Welsh's...

Trainspotting
Scottish kids take drugs, kick drugs, have sex, rob each other and swear a lot.

Glue
Other Scottish kids take drugs, have sex, fight, catch AIDS and swear a lot.

Porno
All the Scottish kids, now grown up, take drugs, have sex on camera, rob each other and swear a lot.

The Pyrates - George McDonald Fraser:

Add some zombies and this'd make a really good Johnny Depp movie, in 20 years time.

The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer - Jennifer Lynch.

Dad. Stop it. Aargh.

Chambers Dictionary

All the words are there but it doesn't seem to make sense.
Perhaps I will just have to wait for the film to come out.

It Shouldn't Happen to a Vet - James Herriot

Young impressionable man happens upon idyllic area in an imaginary country called "England" - keeps putting his arm up cows' bums. Police disinterested because of "vet" defence.

1984

Bloke having mid life crisis discovers politics and shagging; but then learns to settle down and become a normal, respectable, member of society

Some analysis of this thread from Today's Guardian

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1177601,00.html

That is the nicest bit of coverage ILx has ever had. What a nice man.

Stranger in a Strange Land:
Jesus is a Martian.

Diary of a Nobody:
I got up this morning. Tonight I shall go back to bed, as is my custom.

Alice in Wonderland:
Alice breaks all the freaky rules in a freaky place, and freaks out all the freaks who live there.

Alice Through the Looking-Glass:
.niaga ti seod ecilA

Lord of the Rings:
Never underestimate a little guy with hairy feet.

James Joyce - Dubliners:

Everyone is miserable and lonely. Dublin is horrible. Nothing ever happens save more misery. You'll never leave!

James Ellroy - The Cold Six Thousand:

Everything's gone wrong since Kennedy died. The FBI did it. CIA and Republicans are complicit. Vietnam was wrong. Cops are corrupt. Kill yourself now. Blam.

Dylan Thomas - Adventures in the Skin Trade:
I got drunk in London once.

Tad Williams - Otherland

Hackers break into rich guys' network. Wander round a bit. Network crashes. Into the sun.

Michael Moorcock - the Jerry Cornelius Tetralogy

London in the sixties was a jumping-off point to travel the rest of the Multiverse, particularly with a little chemical enhancement. I'm the Eternal Champion, by the way, but I don't like to talk about that.

Anything by Ngugi Wa Thiongo:

The Kikuyu have a shite time in Kenya. But we can still sing! And I'm in prison again.

This thread got a mention in the Weekend Australian magazine today.

** "NOTRE-DAME DE PARIS" by Victor Hugo **
Bizarre love quadrangle plays out in shadow of Gothic cathedral in fifteenth century. Lofty themes, quirky supporting characters, overlong soliloquys. Most of the characters die.

** "THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET" by Salman Rushdie **
Love story of Orphic proportions plays out in alternate universe. East-vs-West. Pop culture. Glorious wordplay. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. Not as perplexing as "The Satanic Verses".

** "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" by Emily Bronte **
Selfish bitch-cat and angry bastard share passionate love. Bitch-cat marries another man, dies of psychosomatic symbolism. Angry bastard then punishes second generation of already-suffering family.

** "AMERICAN GODS" by Neil Gaiman **
Supposing America itself is essentially godless. Only gods are those immigrants brought, and those that technology created. And they're at war. Imagine our protagonist's surprise.

** "INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Vampire who needs to lighten up tells of his existence with fun-loving man-vampire and frustrated girlchild-vampire. It didn't end happily. Subsequent franchise an unforeseen phenomenon.

** "THE VAMPIRE LESTAT" by Anne Rice **
Supporting character from "Interview" takes over franchise. Proves much more entertaining than predecessor. After he becomes rock star and wakes mother-queen vampire, book ends abruptly.

** "THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED" by Anne Rice **
Mother-Queen vampire wants to destroy world. Other vampires stop her, after lots of filler and background stories given for supporting characters. Much better than movie.

** "THE TALE OF THE BODY THIEF" by Anne Rice **
Lestat body-swaps with trickster human. Hijinks ensue. Order of a sort is restored at end, "It's a Wonderful Life" type themes subverted with impish glee.

** "MEMNOCH THE DEVIL" by Anne Rice **
Demon takes Lestat on crazy ride through Christian theology. Stop paying attention, and you'll be sorry. He's left batshit mad at end, much like reader.

** "THE VAMPIRE PANDORA" by Anne Rice **
Marius' mysterious ex gets to tell her story, beginning in ancient Rome. Little action, lots of philosophical debate. Plodding style oddly fitting with inert character.

** "THE VAMPIRE ARMAND" by Anne Rice **
Marius' other ex gets to tell his story. Italian Renaissance this time. Courtesans, cults, whacky vampiric performance art. Character is greatly developed, highly sympathetic. Surprise ending.

** "VITTORIO THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Imagine a Hammer horror movie told in prose. Tale of vampiric heterosexual love, with Satanic cults and sacred music too. All-new characters introduced to fold.

** "BLOOD AND GOLD" by Anne Rice **
Marius gets to tell his story. Sadly, Rice has already told much of it via other characters. Prose gets tedious. Bookending sequence far more interesting.

Stupid White Men - Michael Moore
Amercans are stupid. I wish they weren't. I love America.

The Razor's Edge - W Somerset Maugham
Larry is confused. No, he's enlightened. Drives taxi. Good for him.

Great Expectations
Pip's a twat. Can't get laid.

Thomas The Tank Engine.
Choo choo .... crash. Stupid trains.

Animal Farm
Socialist pigs doublethink.

The Neverending Story
Stuff happens. Story ends.

Illusions - Richard Bach
see title.

THE MAYOR OF CASTERBRIDGE
What goes around comes around. P.S. Dont gamble if yor a complete dimwit

DUDE WHERES MY COUNTRY-MICHEAL MOORE
If you ever decide to move to america: dont

TESS OF THE D'URBEVILLES-THOMAS HARDY
Tess gets raped, baby dies, marries her rapist, kills him, runs off with old lover, gets executed. Moral=if committing murder, hide all evidence

THE SHARK NET-ROBERT DREWE
Perth 1950's-guy kills eight people because he has to put up with shit, author re-tells his life at the time of the murders.

DAVID COPPERFIELD-CHARLES DICKENS
David as a child: life sucks. David as a teenager: life still sucks. Davis as an adult: slightly less suckiness.

The Picture Of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

The Jerry Cornelius Tetralogy, by Michael Moorcock

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

--- OR ---

Jerry acts like an arsehole, while Una Persson saves the world. Again.

--- OR EVEN ---

Like Austen Powers. But not as funny.

this was a good novel