A horse tells everything a field of horses does , but is too polite and victorian to mention they shit,piss and fuck.
― Laurie Ridyard, Saturday, 20 March 2004 01:41 (twenty years ago) link
An epileptic nut case Hasheesheen dreams about blowing up/ exterminating Jews and Christians, then leaving his four wives and having 77 virgins.
Notes. "hasheesheen" is arabic for a Hashish eater or taker, whence derives (via French) the English word " Assassin ". Hashish was/is used to alleviate epilepsy and eliminate fear in warriors of the Jihad.
― Geronimo ! Go Get 'em George !, Saturday, 20 March 2004 01:58 (twenty years ago) link
How to take the piss out of Lenin , Stalin and communism/ fascism/ socialism and get away with it, having a City named after you, too !
Note. Only an ornithologist would understand this !In this short poem he does it better than Orwell's "Animal Farm"
" Puddenheaded Wilson " by Mark Twain
How to take the piss out of slavery, racism and being "sold down de ribber " then get called a racist for doing so!Best detective yarn ever !
― Laurie Ridyard, Saturday, 20 March 2004 02:17 (twenty years ago) link
Kidnapped child disfigured by gypsies, becomes ever-smiling carnival freak, Gwynplaine; saved by Ursus. Revealed to be English Lord. People laugh. Lover dies, he commits suicide.
― nowyat, Saturday, 20 March 2004 04:32 (twenty years ago) link
Absent-minded, hair-obsessed orphan disrupts life of old people.
― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Saturday, 20 March 2004 08:11 (twenty years ago) link
Hideous, self-obsessed yuppie can't get a man, because she thinks she's too good for everyone. Gets a man. He's hideous too.
― Mark H, Saturday, 20 March 2004 08:51 (twenty years ago) link
Girl falls asleep for ages. Wakes up really thin, mysteriously causing everyone else to fall asleep.
― Mark H, Saturday, 20 March 2004 08:54 (twenty years ago) link
Boy goes to football with his Dad, then goes to football on his own, then thinks about football a lot, then Arsenal win the league.
― Mark H, Saturday, 20 March 2004 09:00 (twenty years ago) link
Fin.
― Rod, Saturday, 20 March 2004 09:51 (twenty years ago) link
― Bunged Out (Jake Proudlock), Saturday, 20 March 2004 13:09 (twenty years ago) link
Long before the Open University, blue collar lad’s faith in upward mobility via education is brutally crushed by combined forces of religion and conventional morality.
― Merial Ozone, Saturday, 20 March 2004 14:41 (twenty years ago) link
Sniper misses, eventually.
― Richard Dace, Saturday, 20 March 2004 20:57 (twenty years ago) link
Quote from the Quarterly Magazine of the Preston Guild of Master and Journeymen Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers & Ancillary Trades :-This is in three Volumes with an Appendix of 1,282,419 references. Almost half the pages in each volume are made up of references. Volume one is entitled:- " Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring from the Iron Age to the 20th Century"Chapter 1 " Iron Age Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring Sites and Artefacts" argues that the 2,180 sites where artefact such as discarded bow-drills and partly bored toothbrush handles made of ivory and walrus tusks shows Toothbrush Hole Boring was the major industry and trade of the British Isles in this period, and exported as far away as Gwalior where the Gwaikor of Gwalior had gold toothbrush handles sent to the British Isles to have their holes bored; the Chinese Wo-shan Wun ( Marsh lands of the Yiang ‘se Kiang) where the tooth brush handles were smuggled in exchange for Chia or Green Tea, pre-packed Chow Mien and Number 14 with Egg Noodles in a Pak Choi Sauce; and Easter Island, where most of the mysterious giant statues are meant to be holding toothbrushes.Chapter 2. " Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer." This chapter discusses the derivation of the word " Hun" from a phrase in Germanic language , meaning United Tribes of Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers; and claims Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer was right to attack and sack Rome, because the Senate had imposed huge duties on imported toothbrush handles, to protect the failing toothbrush handle hole boring industry of Tuscany. The Praetorian Guard and other Roman Legions had been decimated because a shortage of toothbrushes had lead to an outbreak of toothache and gum diseases; an early example of a rich and despotic lifestyle without proper dental hygene resulting in catastrophe.(to be continued )
― Laurie Ridyard, Sunday, 21 March 2004 02:43 (twenty years ago) link
There's much clever scheming, a lot of people die, quite a few go mad, and the basic storyline manages to become Shakespeare's longest play - wow!
― James Tween, Sunday, 21 March 2004 15:31 (twenty years ago) link
― phil mckracken, Monday, 22 March 2004 02:52 (twenty years ago) link
"You went to Afghanistan?!? F**k me! WHY???"
― Andy Macc, Monday, 22 March 2004 13:22 (twenty years ago) link
Stranded Pork-loving kids kill chubby chatterbox shell-collector.Descent into savagery and pork worship until hero recued by responsible adults.
― Mat Waddington, Monday, 22 March 2004 14:02 (twenty years ago) link
Man writes a book which causes him to go into hiding ... from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's lawyers.
― Joseph Gurney, Monday, 22 March 2004 17:18 (twenty years ago) link
Yes It Is About A Dog.
― Joseph Gurney, Monday, 22 March 2004 17:20 (twenty years ago) link
"A Tiger? In Africa???"
― Joseph Gurney, Monday, 22 March 2004 17:21 (twenty years ago) link
"Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"
― Joseph Gurney, Monday, 22 March 2004 17:25 (twenty years ago) link
"But what have the Romans ever done for us?"
― Joseph Gurney, Monday, 22 March 2004 17:26 (twenty years ago) link
"It has shuffled off this mortal coil, and joined the choir invisible" etc etc etc
― Joseph Gurney, Monday, 22 March 2004 17:29 (twenty years ago) link
TrainspottingScottish kids take drugs, kick drugs, have sex, rob each other and swear a lot.
GlueOther Scottish kids take drugs, have sex, fight, catch AIDS and swear a lot.
PornoAll the Scottish kids, now grown up, take drugs, have sex on camera, rob each other and swear a lot.
― Matt Ian, Monday, 22 March 2004 23:11 (twenty years ago) link
Add some zombies and this'd make a really good Johnny Depp movie, in 20 years time.
― Andy Macc, Tuesday, 23 March 2004 08:55 (twenty years ago) link
Dad. Stop it. Aargh.
― Cornelius Murphy, Wednesday, 24 March 2004 08:17 (twenty years ago) link
All the words are there but it doesn't seem to make sense.Perhaps I will just have to wait for the film to come out.
― John Billot, Wednesday, 24 March 2004 13:30 (twenty years ago) link
Young impressionable man happens upon idyllic area in an imaginary country called "England" - keeps putting his arm up cows' bums. Police disinterested because of "vet" defence.
― John Billot, Wednesday, 24 March 2004 13:40 (twenty years ago) link
Bloke having mid life crisis discovers politics and shagging; but then learns to settle down and become a normal, respectable, member of society
― Jim Pearson, Wednesday, 24 March 2004 20:29 (twenty years ago) link
http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1177601,00.html
― Mikey G (Mikey G), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:42 (twenty years ago) link
― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:49 (twenty years ago) link
Diary of a Nobody:I got up this morning. Tonight I shall go back to bed, as is my custom.
Alice in Wonderland:Alice breaks all the freaky rules in a freaky place, and freaks out all the freaks who live there.
Alice Through the Looking-Glass:.niaga ti seod ecilA
Lord of the Rings:Never underestimate a little guy with hairy feet.
― Dorien Thomas, Thursday, 25 March 2004 14:06 (twenty years ago) link
Everyone is miserable and lonely. Dublin is horrible. Nothing ever happens save more misery. You'll never leave!
James Ellroy - The Cold Six Thousand:
Everything's gone wrong since Kennedy died. The FBI did it. CIA and Republicans are complicit. Vietnam was wrong. Cops are corrupt. Kill yourself now. Blam.
― Cornelius Murphy, Thursday, 25 March 2004 15:41 (twenty years ago) link
― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Thursday, 25 March 2004 17:36 (twenty years ago) link
Hackers break into rich guys' network. Wander round a bit. Network crashes. Into the sun.
― theonecynic, Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:23 (twenty years ago) link
London in the sixties was a jumping-off point to travel the rest of the Multiverse, particularly with a little chemical enhancement. I'm the Eternal Champion, by the way, but I don't like to talk about that.
― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:31 (twenty years ago) link
The Kikuyu have a shite time in Kenya. But we can still sing! And I'm in prison again.
― Dorien Thomas (Dorien Thomas), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:55 (twenty years ago) link
** "NOTRE-DAME DE PARIS" by Victor Hugo **Bizarre love quadrangle plays out in shadow of Gothic cathedral in fifteenth century. Lofty themes, quirky supporting characters, overlong soliloquys. Most of the characters die.
** "THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET" by Salman Rushdie **Love story of Orphic proportions plays out in alternate universe. East-vs-West. Pop culture. Glorious wordplay. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. Not as perplexing as "The Satanic Verses".
** "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" by Emily Bronte **Selfish bitch-cat and angry bastard share passionate love. Bitch-cat marries another man, dies of psychosomatic symbolism. Angry bastard then punishes second generation of already-suffering family.
** "AMERICAN GODS" by Neil Gaiman **Supposing America itself is essentially godless. Only gods are those immigrants brought, and those that technology created. And they're at war. Imagine our protagonist's surprise.
** "INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **Vampire who needs to lighten up tells of his existence with fun-loving man-vampire and frustrated girlchild-vampire. It didn't end happily. Subsequent franchise an unforeseen phenomenon.
** "THE VAMPIRE LESTAT" by Anne Rice **Supporting character from "Interview" takes over franchise. Proves much more entertaining than predecessor. After he becomes rock star and wakes mother-queen vampire, book ends abruptly.
** "THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED" by Anne Rice **Mother-Queen vampire wants to destroy world. Other vampires stop her, after lots of filler and background stories given for supporting characters. Much better than movie.
** "THE TALE OF THE BODY THIEF" by Anne Rice **Lestat body-swaps with trickster human. Hijinks ensue. Order of a sort is restored at end, "It's a Wonderful Life" type themes subverted with impish glee.
** "MEMNOCH THE DEVIL" by Anne Rice **Demon takes Lestat on crazy ride through Christian theology. Stop paying attention, and you'll be sorry. He's left batshit mad at end, much like reader.
** "THE VAMPIRE PANDORA" by Anne Rice **Marius' mysterious ex gets to tell her story, beginning in ancient Rome. Little action, lots of philosophical debate. Plodding style oddly fitting with inert character.
** "THE VAMPIRE ARMAND" by Anne Rice **Marius' other ex gets to tell his story. Italian Renaissance this time. Courtesans, cults, whacky vampiric performance art. Character is greatly developed, highly sympathetic. Surprise ending.
** "VITTORIO THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **Imagine a Hammer horror movie told in prose. Tale of vampiric heterosexual love, with Satanic cults and sacred music too. All-new characters introduced to fold.
** "BLOOD AND GOLD" by Anne Rice **Marius gets to tell his story. Sadly, Rice has already told much of it via other characters. Prose gets tedious. Bookending sequence far more interesting.
― Bird-Mad Girl (Bird-Mad Girl), Saturday, 27 March 2004 11:21 (twenty years ago) link
The Razor's Edge - W Somerset MaughamLarry is confused. No, he's enlightened. Drives taxi. Good for him.
Great ExpectationsPip's a twat. Can't get laid.
Thomas The Tank Engine.Choo choo .... crash. Stupid trains.
Animal FarmSocialist pigs doublethink.
The Neverending StoryStuff happens. Story ends.
Illusions - Richard Bachsee title.
― DeusExMachina, Saturday, 27 March 2004 12:12 (twenty years ago) link
― Ellen Lane, Saturday, 27 March 2004 12:29 (twenty years ago) link
― Ellen Lane, Saturday, 27 March 2004 12:31 (twenty years ago) link
― Ellen Lane, Saturday, 27 March 2004 12:35 (twenty years ago) link
― Ellen Lane, Saturday, 27 March 2004 15:46 (twenty years ago) link
― Ellen Lane (Ellen Lane), Saturday, 27 March 2004 15:54 (twenty years ago) link
Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.
― Joseph Gurney, Saturday, 27 March 2004 21:29 (twenty years ago) link
--- OR ---
Jerry acts like an arsehole, while Una Persson saves the world. Again.
--- OR EVEN ---
Like Austen Powers. But not as funny.
― Joseph Gurney, Saturday, 27 March 2004 21:33 (twenty years ago) link
― Santa Claus, Monday, 29 March 2004 02:43 (twenty years ago) link
Suicide is preferable to being stalked by obsessed neighbourhood boys
― kirov, Monday, 29 March 2004 05:56 (twenty years ago) link
Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm dead. Ghosts and witches are total bastards.
― Ned is a Viking, Monday, 29 March 2004 09:08 (twenty years ago) link
A-AND..... HE'S A VIKING????????????
― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Monday, 29 March 2004 10:40 (twenty years ago) link