Rewrite the openings to famous novels in the style of John Lanchester

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"It was a quarter to midnight upon the evening of the 17th of April 1846 when, waking in the middle of a frightening thunderstorm and seeking solace in the arms of my surrogate parents, my mouth, hitherto silent, came to conflate what little comprehension my brain had of my deceased father's name, Pirrip, and my similar Christian name, Philip, resulting in my first utterance of the name, Pip, by which I came to be known."

avant-garde, sissy bounce, zombie rave, aquacrunk, warlock, oceangrunge, (imago), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 11:35 (eight years ago) link

100 years of solitude is gagging for this treatment, but i can't remember any of the actual facts

she used alt+3 like an ascii heart (NickB), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 11:51 (eight years ago) link

we need a 'Rewrite the openings to famous novels in the style of imago' thread

canoon fooder (dog latin), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 11:54 (eight years ago) link

Look at what you've done Matt!

xyzzzz__, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 12:00 (eight years ago) link

It was 10:33 am in the last years of the nineteenth century and nobody was busy believing that the world was being watched keenly by tentacled creatures from across the gulf of space - from Mars in fact - envious creatures that were busy drawing plans against us, plans involving the construction of giant tripods to enable them to withstand our planet's stronger gravity.

ledge, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 12:47 (eight years ago) link

Minimal work needed here:

"It was 10:33pm on a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the house-tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. "

ledge, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 12:57 (eight years ago) link

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was a quarter to six on the evening of Tuesday the 14th of October, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the era of recycling, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, it was cans of Old Jamaica Fiery Ginger Beer, flat-packed cardboard boxes, cereal packets and bottles of Cobra purchased from the local Londis in the black bin, it was plastic Coke bottles, pizza boxes, tetra paks still dripping with raw chicken juices in the green bin, it was animal bones and soggy, limp spinach leaves in the brown caddy.”

canoon fooder (dog latin), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 14:20 (eight years ago) link

It was a bright cold day in April and when Winston Smith glanced at the LCD display of his Casio wristwatch, the one with a flexible metal wristband rather than the cheaper plastic one, a choice he had agonized over for several minutes when making his purchase in 1978 at Marks & Spencer, it displayed the number 13:00 in its familiar clumsy blockish font.

Aimless, Wednesday, 25 November 2015 18:58 (eight years ago) link

"It was a sunny afternoon on 7 April 1928 and 33 year-old simpleton Maury Compson was watching a group of businessmen play golf."

i love this

also ledge's hg wells

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:08 (eight years ago) link

The sun was shining on things which it had shone on, on previous occasions.

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:09 (eight years ago) link

Bilbo Baggins, who was a member of a humanoid species with furred ankles, lived in a middle-class neighborhood. His residence had all the usual amenities.

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:11 (eight years ago) link

from a little after two oclock until almost after sundown, which occurred roughly at five, of the long still weary dead september afternoon they sat at what miss coldfield still called the office because her father had called it that - a dim hot airless room with the blinds all closed and fastened for forty-three summers because when she was a girl someone had believed light and moving air carried heat and that dark was always cooler, and which (as the sun shone fuller and fuller on that side of the house) became latticed with yellow slashes full of dust motes which quentin thought of as being flecks of the dead old dried paint itself being blown inward from the scaling blinds as winds might have blown them.

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:31 (eight years ago) link

Pale Fire, a poem in heroic couplets, of nine hundred ninety-nine lines, divided into four cantos, was composed by John Francis Shade (born July 5, 1898, died July 21, 1959) during the last twenty days of his life, at his residence in New Wye, Appalachia, U.S.A on an IBM Selectric II

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:34 (eight years ago) link

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, which they did, in response to my inquiry.

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:35 (eight years ago) link

Around four o'clock, one evening in 1988, in a rather dilapidated apartment in Leith, Sick Boy, who was a heroin addict, was observed displaying the trembling and excessive sweat commensurate with the withdrawal symptoms belonging to that drug by his friend Mark Renton, who was also a heroin addict.

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:38 (eight years ago) link

the hamptons were very grand as well as very rich

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:43 (eight years ago) link

hapscomb's texaco, which is a petrol station, was on number 93 just north of arnette, a pissant four-street burg about 110 miles north of houston

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:48 (eight years ago) link

When, in late April, following the downtick in precipitation of the preceding month, rain becomes more common, and North Atlantic depressions create a characteristically brisk wind, in which climate both wild flowers and staple agricultural crops such as wheat display their most prodiguous growth, and, additionally, native songbirds such as the robin and great tit can be heard most audibly, many denizens of all parts of the British Isles, for whom Canterbury remains the most popular destination, on account of its relation to the martyr, St Thomas Becket, go on pilgrimages.

people

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:50 (eight years ago) link

not sure what that stray 'people' is doing

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:50 (eight years ago) link

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct. This every sister of the Bene Gesserit, a coven of witches, knows. To begin your study of the life of Muad'Dib, then take care that you first place him in his time: born in the 57th year of the Padishah Emperor, Shaddam IV. And take the most special care that you locate Muad'Dib in his place: the planet Arrakis. Do not be deceived by the fact that he was born on Caladan and lived his first fifteen years there. Arrakis, the planet known as Dune, is forever his place.

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:55 (eight years ago) link

can i say how much 'downtick' pleases me btw?

LEGIT (Lamp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 14:55 (eight years ago) link

ty

thwomp (thomp), Thursday, 26 November 2015 15:01 (eight years ago) link

It was Good Friday in the year 1300, and 35 year old Dante Alighieri, a Florentine poet and political functionary- who would in the future spend his final years in political exile from his native city following a bitter power struggle within the ruling Guelph faction - found himself lost in a dark wood.

Agents, show the general out. (Bananaman Begins), Thursday, 26 November 2015 20:20 (eight years ago) link

lol Eliot reciprocation be damned

when's international me day? (Noodle Vague), Friday, 27 November 2015 00:31 (eight years ago) link

rewind, Chaucer, little drunk here

when's international me day? (Noodle Vague), Friday, 27 November 2015 00:33 (eight years ago) link

Lamp's Dune feels like a translation worth having too

when's international me day? (Noodle Vague), Friday, 27 November 2015 00:34 (eight years ago) link

Aujourd’hui le 20 juillet 1942, sous un beau soleil dans la ville d’Algers, maintenant la capitale de l’Algérie mais à l’époque une possession coloniale française, Maman est morte.

Zelda Zonk, Friday, 27 November 2015 01:31 (eight years ago) link

^^

All The Squares Go Pwn (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 27 November 2015 01:52 (eight years ago) link

On the day before this one, dark-haired West London-based photographer Richard Vaughan crashed his car, a Lincoln Continental, killing him instantly.

めんどくさかった (Matt #2), Friday, 27 November 2015 01:53 (eight years ago) link

dear christ

for a long time i went to bed at 7:33 pm

denies the existence of dark matter (difficult listening hour), Friday, 27 November 2015 07:57 (eight years ago) link

On a foggy evening in mid-October 43 year-old college lecturer Geoff You settled into his Ikea armchair and began to read John Lanchester's new novel If on a foggy evening in mid-October a commercial traveler.

won't somebody think of the hegemons? (Noodle Vague), Friday, 27 November 2015 10:26 (eight years ago) link

A++

Matt DC, Friday, 27 November 2015 10:30 (eight years ago) link

Full marks for the last three.

All The Squares Go Pwn (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 27 November 2015 10:40 (eight years ago) link

for a long time i went to bed at 7:33 pm

XD

Agents, show the general out. (Bananaman Begins), Friday, 27 November 2015 12:51 (eight years ago) link

It was 11:03am on a soggy October day, and Phillip Marlowe, a private detective, was ringing a doorbell. He was wearing a blue Marks & Spencer's suit, a dark-blue shirt from Burtons, a matching tie-and-hankie from Tie Rack, black brogues from Dolcis, and black wool socks with dark blue clocks on them, given to him by his Aunt Petunia the previous Christmas. He was cleanly shaven and a bit drunk, but hiding it well. It was important he looked his best today, because the man he was calling on was very rich.

Matt DC, Friday, 27 November 2015 13:01 (eight years ago) link

I've never heard of this person but you guys' lampoons of him are hilarious.

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 27 November 2015 13:12 (eight years ago) link

Tracer have you not read the other Lanchester thread? Truly a masterpiece.

I have half a mind to do every Marlowe book, sucking all the wit out of Chandler might be purest essence of Lanchesterism.

Matt DC, Friday, 27 November 2015 13:18 (eight years ago) link

It was a dark but clear night, with a full moon, and up and coming rapper Warren G was driving around in Los Angeles, looking for girls to pick up.

Agents, show the general out. (Bananaman Begins), Friday, 27 November 2015 15:22 (eight years ago) link

Trying my hand at this despite having never read a word:

Conventional wisdom holds that men with an inheritance, or, failing that, a salary in excess of £100,000 (+8% London weighting), find the prospect of an interminable single life about as appealing as an old kipper in a shoe.

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 27 November 2015 15:35 (eight years ago) link

You've nailed the banality but there's still too much verve to your prose there.

Matt DC, Friday, 27 November 2015 15:39 (eight years ago) link

More leaden please

めんどくさかった (Matt #2), Friday, 27 November 2015 15:48 (eight years ago) link

Ok but the banality and bathos were there I feel

Will work on this

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 27 November 2015 16:14 (eight years ago) link

Last night, as I lay asleep in my bed in my bedroom, I had a dream which involved me returning to Manderley, an estate at which I had earlier in my life spent some time.

calumerio, Friday, 27 November 2015 16:46 (eight years ago) link

Sorry, I mean

Last night at 3.47am, as I lay asleep in my bed in my bedroom, I had a dream which involved me returning to Manderley, an estate at which I had earlier in my life spent some time.

calumerio, Friday, 27 November 2015 16:47 (eight years ago) link

Another good one. I am not actually familiar with this guy's work either, I guess I should look around

All The Squares Go Pwn (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 27 November 2015 16:49 (eight years ago) link

At 7.00pm in the morning in a Martello tower in the Sandycove area of Dublin medical student Malachi "Buck" Mulligan, a heavyset and dignified man, called downstairs to wake his friend Stephen Dedalus and began to shave.

Karl Rove Knausgård (jim in glasgow), Friday, 27 November 2015 17:24 (eight years ago) link

am gawd

Karl Rove Knausgård (jim in glasgow), Friday, 27 November 2015 17:24 (eight years ago) link

It was a bleak December 13th, at exactly 12:00 midnight, when, deep in grief and reading a well-thumbed vintage volume (part of a five-book set), I was interrupted by a mysterious rapping at my chamber door.

jmm, Saturday, 28 November 2015 22:25 (eight years ago) link

Some time ago, a cow walked along a road, and encountered a young boy called Baby Tuckoo.

Agents, show the general out. (Bananaman Begins), Monday, 7 December 2015 12:59 (eight years ago) link

At 11.30pm on a damp Friday night, Geoff Godot was running late, three days late to be precise.

Matt DC, Monday, 7 December 2015 14:01 (eight years ago) link

It was just after dinner-time on Wednesday evening, and Mr Edward Rochester was sitting with Jane, the governess who had answered an ad he put in the Thornfield Argus, and wondering how on earth to tell her about the mad woman in his attic.

Matt DC, Monday, 7 December 2015 14:09 (eight years ago) link

It was the middle of the nineteenth century, and a veteran sailor called Ishmael was about to tell a story about a disastrous whaling voyage he'd been on.

Agents, show the general out. (Bananaman Begins), Monday, 7 December 2015 14:13 (eight years ago) link

two years pass...

"I once had a plan to write a radio play imagining Nabokov getting stuck in a lift at the Palace with the heavy rock band Deep Purple."

https://www.lrb.co.uk/v40/n09/john-lanchester/nabokovs-dreams

Chuck_Tatum, Saturday, 12 May 2018 13:42 (six years ago) link

two years pass...

rereading the ilx lanchester threads for a thing (lol) i have concluded that JL also reads them: Rewrite the openings to famous novels in the style of John Lanchester

mark s, Wednesday, 7 October 2020 11:32 (four years ago) link

(and for those who never click links in the thread to the thread they're in):

"It was a quarter to midnight upon the evening of the 17th of April 1846 when, waking in the middle of a frightening thunderstorm and seeking solace in the arms of my surrogate parents, my mouth, hitherto silent, came to conflate what little comprehension my brain had of my deceased father's name, Pirrip, and my similar Christian name, Philip, resulting in my first utterance of the name, Pip, by which I came to be known."

― avant-garde, sissy bounce, zombie rave, aquacrunk, warlock, oceangrunge, (imago), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 11:35 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

mark s, Wednesday, 7 October 2020 11:33 (four years ago) link

I read Mr Phillips and thought it was a deliberate stylistic choice to reflect the inner voice of the pedantic and slightly pathetic lead character. Had no idea Lanchester always wrote like that.

thomasintrouble, Wednesday, 7 October 2020 11:42 (four years ago) link

"I am someone to whom - and on whom - illness has visited. I also, and this is worth remarking upon, for it serves to illuminate a facet of my psychology and therefore should not be mislaid or otherwise glanced over - I hold in reserve a measure of ill-feeling, like a mouthful of calvados knocking contemptuously around the bottom corner of a medium-sized Thermos."

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 7 October 2020 11:45 (four years ago) link


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