SO U MOVING TO HSTNGS! PACK A AMPULE OF ANTIVENOM AND A FACK FULL OF EMINEM

apparently there is, just not in my favor

Also, don't worry about savings. I'll send yr kids these:
http://img3.etsystatic.com/000/0/5749271/il_fullxfull.223664547.jpg
I'll even put dimes in them.

A whole DOLLAR!!!

hey guys,

If you have any pics of J and me where we aren't guzzling booze or looking incredibly smashed, could you send them to us, sooner rather than later if possible?

thanking u

I will dig through them tonight, but I am not sure my pics of you meet those qualifications. Text me on Sat or Sun if I haven't emailed you anything.

hey so as of two minutes ago my folks officially own property in Vero Beach

start searching for Orlando flights now

See y'all in Florida!

I'm sure your father won't mind having us all as winter residents, right?

My kids are old enough to be trained to wait on us all, btw.

How are their bartending skills? These rum drinks won't just make themselves.

Also there are only two bedrooms, but it's FL so sleeping in the yard can be seen as a fun bonus adventure!

Big bugs and alligators, dudes - let's go!

P.S. I thought you hated rum.

P.P.S. They are fast learners.

rum is gross outside of beach situations/frozen drinks

So I guess I will train them for margaritas then.

I think I've adopted a new favorite phrase.

"rum is gross outside of beach situations"
-roast beef

Some terrifyingly conservative dude just followed me on Twitter

say hi to ph1l h41b3rg for me

Lolling so hard

oh dear, what is the handle and should I look at it and lol?

I follow tons of crazy people.

But John is SO RIGHT about ph1l. He's super annoying, too.

Worse than me, even!

yayyyy moving to mpls in june. did not plan on two years in yr town. just long enough that now i'll actually miss some people, hrmph.

We will have badass times

i am badly in need of those!

oh dear, what is the handle and should I look at it and lol?

It's this guy:

https://twitter.com/MarkRMatthews

as far as I can tell he gives zero lols, whereas IA Senator Chuck Grassley is surprisingly funny

So I should follow Grassley?

I believe Herman Cain to be the funniest Republican on the planet.

This is why you should follow Grassley:

http://gawker.com/5971006/the-15-most-powerful-chuck-grassley-tweets-of-2012

hey y'all, I told some of you that I was auditioning for the Platters? it never panned out (largely due to Operation A)

a friend of mine got the gig though so it's all good

I am totally going to flip off that baby.

OK those Grassley tweets. Is it possible he doesn't really know how to use his Twitter???

Also - deX - the Platters?!

Well, one of the eight groups calling themselves The Platters (but I think this was the official group that legally owns the name)

Grassley started weird twitter iirc

That is crazy.

Both of those things.

BREAKING NEWS

http://www.kare11.com/news/article/1020595/391/Hastings-toddler-found-with-booze-in-street

"...just standin' right there ya know and I mean 'cause I seen 'im 'n' that well y'know the wife said 'n' that well y'know be careful of that little boy 'n' that so he wouldn't happen to dart out or somethin' like that..."

PRESCOTT Y'ALL

FYI Sara I made up that bit abt weird twitter

Also, Dan, I will not flip off your baby or your friend who is in the new platters

i am filled with hometown pride

I just assume everything you say is made up, JP.

We should have a competition to imagine what the next HSTNGS news story might bring. Pretty sure that, no matter what we come up with, it won't be enough.

In that exact same intersection, I found a guy lying down near the curb who had been hit by a car and who had been lying there for 15-20 minutes while people were driving by, shaking their heads at the drunk. tbf, he smelled of booze, but the paramedics said his leg was fractured and that he was exhibiting signs of a concussion.

well thats why he sent his toddler out on the next beer run, they are harder to hit because they're smaller

unfortunately people read that thing that was going around about crying children and gangs and brought the kid to the police station. If only they had read snopes everybody would be cool

kids never going to learn how to handle his liquor if the mommy state keeps getting involved. THANKS FOR NOTHING OBAMA

altho on the positive note the kid is less likely to make a party foul and drop his drink again for fear of the police

still back on Mike's Hard Lemonade

clearly that toddler is a pussy

no Black Label, no credibility

urgent & key question: was the toddler wearing Zubaz?

oh, the images in my head just went all fuzzy, and all I can hear now in my mind is "Can't Touch This"

My my my
My Zima hits 'em so hard

^^^ you have officially destroyed my life

finally I have achieved what HSTNGS could not

preserve this moment in amber, the universe