3. Man this has gotten out of order maybe INTERRUPTOR Z can make an animated gif that ties it all together later
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 03:55 (fourteen years ago) link
hey el tomboto: Thanks For The Memory Cards: Time to send us your PS2 Best Game Ballots! - Due Date April 30!
― Lamp, Thursday, 20 May 2010 03:56 (fourteen years ago) link
http://imgur.com/byYMa.jpg
― |8 l) u_u (bnw), Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:00 (fourteen years ago) link
3.5. Don't write your resume in the "Responsible for..." style, write it as "Spearheaded an effort..." style. OPM and basically all the hiring managers prefer narrative-style ACTION MAN statements, we know you're going to wedge all the keywords you can at the end, so tell us something we don't already know.
3.5.a. I've done resume triage and interviews for federal jobs. If your CV reads like the job descriptions your former employers gave you, I won't even bother taking the interview. If I do have to interview you, my first question is going to be why your resume reminds me of a lazy person who can't write.
3.5.b. On the other hand, people I've said were probably going to turn out crap have shown up on my doorstep six months later with a badge and a smile, ready to do dick of all shit but fart up some GSA seat cushions for a living until they're 65, so impressing me doesn't have to be your priority. I'm just saying.
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:02 (fourteen years ago) link
Security clearance for low-level tech is not gonna happen unless you are/were military, y/n? Like you are not going to fund yourself and no private company is going to fund you since you make like 50k. I see a lot of those type jobs listed in DC.
― |8 l) u_u (bnw), Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:07 (fourteen years ago) link
4. Keywords to the Castle!!
The Position Description (PD) on the usajobs site contains 100% of the clues you need to eventually hang your hat in a fed bunker.
4.a. For every proper noun in the PD, consider whether it appears in headings, text descriptions, etcetera, and try to ensure that every noun or verb that isn't in common usage shows up somewhere in the aforementioned (3.5) ACTION MAN statements. "Emergency," "Crisis," "Triage," "Keynes," and "Smaug" are good examples.
4.b. IS THERE A COMPOUND WORD IN THE PD? Unless the compound word is part of the title of the hiring organization, put it in your resume. If it is part of the hiring organization, but you already work for them in some other capacity, put it in there three times. Fuck it, put it in there three times anyway. "Emergency Management," "Crisis Action," "Triage Analysis," "Keynes Magick" and "Smaug Butt" are very good examples.
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:15 (fourteen years ago) link
I meant "Smaug Bollocks" actually, that's closer to home
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:17 (fourteen years ago) link
So anyhow -
5. Position Specific Qualifications -
This is where you used to have to write essays and shit. BLACK PRESIDENT got rid of that because he knows writing a couple of books don't mean shit once you actually get the job. Truth! Good on him, glad I voted for the guy.
Anyway, as above, you have officially done everything before, seen everything before, and most importantly, trained and supervised other people in all aspects of everything before.
Next time I apply for something, I'm going to remember that watching myself screw things up while I'm hungover and can't do anything about it counts the same as training and supervising.
Remember, when you don't bullshit through this kind of self-test, you're only helping genuine bullshit artists. Tragedy of the Commons, whatever; it's another shitbag in the bureaucracy bucket that's going to sit it out doing fuck-all for 30+ years. Help me make a difference.
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:22 (fourteen years ago) link
I mean that last sentence.
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:23 (fourteen years ago) link
I sound like a dick going all BLACK PRESIDENT. It's the in-joke for everything going on in the fourth estate since january basically. I haven't been around on the politics threads, I can't stand it. Everything that anybody does who isn't in the admin is all "but can you really believe BLACK PRESIDENT?" I've genuinely ceased reading all news that isn't strictly job-related.
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 04:36 (fourteen years ago) link
I think lcd soundsystem has your back there fwiw.
― |8 l) u_u (bnw), Thursday, 20 May 2010 05:04 (fourteen years ago) link
i don'tknow if i get the gag there but i actually liked the nyer profile. can you point me to the bitchy ilm thread on it?
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 05:07 (fourteen years ago) link
how's it going, ACTION MAN?
― mookieproof, Thursday, 20 May 2010 05:16 (fourteen years ago) link
pretty well except for the part where I went all The GZeus about federal employment on like 7 beers
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 12:10 (fourteen years ago) link
"This Is Happening": the third album by LCD Soundsystem
'we have a black president, and you do not - so shut up' lyric from the new album
― |8 l) u_u (bnw), Thursday, 20 May 2010 13:20 (fourteen years ago) link
thank you
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 20 May 2010 14:13 (fourteen years ago) link
thank you for going all The GZeus about federal employment--whenever i visit usajobs my eyes kind of glaze over at all the requirements stuff. that was helpful.
― horseshoe, Thursday, 20 May 2010 15:18 (fourteen years ago) link
^^^^ yes, thanks dude
― velko, Thursday, 20 May 2010 15:59 (fourteen years ago) link
a million times thanks!
― Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Thursday, 20 May 2010 16:03 (fourteen years ago) link
TRUE FACT:
when i nearly got bounced from my flight home this last weekend because orbitz is a shuddering pile of fucking horseshit and they offered me flight vouchers if i ended up sleeping on a plastic bench with my coat draped over my head like an airways hobo, my first thought was "if i get these and get to fly out of town for like a one night trip i am going to DC and getting shitfaced with TOMBOT."
RETURN TO GOVT JOB STUFF
― Fantasy Suites aren't (jjjusten), Thursday, 20 May 2010 16:18 (fourteen years ago) link
Tombot woulda made a really good terrifying nun in pre-Vatican II Catholic school
xoxo
― kind of shrill and very self-righteous (Dr Morbius), Thursday, 20 May 2010 16:19 (fourteen years ago) link
dude, Hotwire/Travelocity or gtfo; Orbitz is for suckas
― Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Thursday, 20 May 2010 16:19 (fourteen years ago) link
ehhh i went to orbitz this time because travelocity nearly stranded me in the desolate cleveland layover wasteland in the not so distant past. they really all kind of suck, also us airways/united seems to lack a basic understanding of "only sell as many actual seats as there are on the plane" so who knows
― Fantasy Suites aren't (jjjusten), Thursday, 20 May 2010 16:24 (fourteen years ago) link
yall should revive this because I am a dad now and have new opinions
― El Tomboto, Wednesday, 30 March 2011 01:19 (thirteen years ago) link
<3
― estela, Wednesday, 30 March 2011 01:23 (thirteen years ago) link
Do you think it would be easier to raise a boy or a girl?
― The Louvin Spoonful (WmC), Wednesday, 30 March 2011 01:23 (thirteen years ago) link
what do you think of the libyan no-fly zone.
― max, Wednesday, 30 March 2011 01:34 (thirteen years ago) link
or the tombotian no-cry zone?
― spectrum dudes (Lamp), Wednesday, 30 March 2011 01:36 (thirteen years ago) link
ok self sb
congrats bro
that was pretty good
+1 sb obv
― bnw, Wednesday, 30 March 2011 02:10 (thirteen years ago) link
is the world a bleak and grim place
― who is john nult? (dayo), Wednesday, 30 March 2011 02:34 (thirteen years ago) link
where do you get your ideas for babies?
― Roberto Spiralli, Wednesday, 30 March 2011 02:54 (thirteen years ago) link
A girl. I have been a boy. Boys are awful. Plus, I am the dad. Dads and daughters get along, right?
I'm sick of playing world police.
Of course it is. People eat dogs and bathe in sewage.
Top Gear re-runs.
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 21 April 2011 20:35 (thirteen years ago) link
How much lulzsec-type crap have you had to deal with, or used the opportunity to point out to idiotic higher-ups the need for evolved procedures?
― Crazed Mister Handy (kingfish), Thursday, 9 June 2011 07:53 (thirteen years ago) link
?
― moonship journey to baja, Tuesday, 21 June 2011 03:31 (thirteen years ago) link
http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2011/10/virus-hits-drone-fleet/
― citation needed (Steve Shasta), Friday, 7 October 2011 20:44 (twelve years ago) link
Wow!
― What does one wear to a summery execution? Linen? (Michael White), Friday, 7 October 2011 20:57 (twelve years ago) link
http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/americas-terrible-failing-grade-cyber-attack-readiness/story?id=16870064
are you guys just on MMOs all day like my friends at sony online
― the late great, Tuesday, 31 July 2012 05:17 (twelve years ago) link
your thoughts http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2012/08/apple-amazon-mat-honan-hacking/all/1
― caek, Tuesday, 7 August 2012 00:55 (twelve years ago) link
my comments on the sitting DIRNSA are not appropriate
the honan hack just goes to prove that if your helpdesk sucks, all your other investments in protecting your customers are a complete waste
― El Tomboto, Tuesday, 7 August 2012 01:43 (twelve years ago) link
What do you predict will be some hot looks for lanyards in 2013?
― los blue jeans, Tuesday, 7 August 2012 02:08 (twelve years ago) link
madras
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 9 August 2012 02:15 (twelve years ago) link
http://www.etsy.com/listing/103477602/fabric-lanyard-key-lanyard-badge-lanyard
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 9 August 2012 02:16 (twelve years ago) link
your question may have just cost my family an amount of money
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 9 August 2012 02:17 (twelve years ago) link
DDoSing stuff : anonymous :: nuclear missiles : north korea
― El Tomboto, Thursday, 9 August 2012 02:23 (twelve years ago) link
i see what you did there
― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 9 August 2012 09:24 (twelve years ago) link
that's not even a question
― El Tomboto, Friday, 10 August 2012 04:36 (twelve years ago) link
https://partners.vice.com/dewars/whiskyemporium/news/meet-tombot-the-bionic-barkeep/
― El Tomboto, Wednesday, 15 November 2017 04:37 (six years ago) link
Perfection is a moving target.
― mookieproof, Wednesday, 15 November 2017 06:03 (six years ago) link
today i spotted a woman in her early 20s outside the university of glasgow wearing a white tshirt with the word 'TOMBOT' emblazoned across the chest
startled to see an eruption of ilx into real-life, i did a double-take and she caught me looking wide-eyed at her chest
it was v embarrassing
so i ask: tombot, was this an elaborate psyop to make me appear to be a dirty old man irl?
― BIG RICHARD ENERGY (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 19 July 2018 12:39 (six years ago) link