imdb memorable quotes

Mrs. Gert Hammond: Who is it that speaks to me with the voice of a woman?!?

Mrs. Gert Hammond: My name is Mrs. Gert Hammond. Welcome to Prairie Blossom, the name my husband and I chose for the estate you are now standing on.
Sash: What happened to your head?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: Please. Let me finish? Our home, built upon a stretch of prairie between the Chickasaw and Thunderbird rivers, was built by hand with love and care by my husband, Charlie, who now lies buried in the wine cellar beneath our very feet.

Chandler: You wanna know how she died, the stupid fool? She got it at a garden party one afternoon. She took her girdle off and she held a match to it as a sign of her liberation. But what she didn't know was that the girdle was flammable and would blow up in her goddamn face! It blew up right in her face, and her head was covered in flaming liquid rubber! Everyone at the garden party started screaming. And then they threw their drinks on her to douse out the flames. Only they'd forgotten how much alcohol they were drinking... The horror of the moment was so great, to all extents and purposes we were just staring at this flaming, screaming scarecrow running across the green lawn in a panic. Then we all started laughing. I laughed so hard that tears were running down my cheeks. We all roared hysterically until there was this hideous hiss, and a white column of steam that boiled skyward from the swimming pool where she fell in. Then there was silence. Dead silence.

Willene: May I have something to eat?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: By all means! Help yourself.
Willene: This looks refreshing. Oh! It’s a cucumber. Are you in the habit of peeling your cucumbers in advance?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: Yes, it, ah ... ages the flavor.
Willene: It certainly does. Boy, does this taste odd.
Mrs. Gert Hammond: Eat up! You’ll soon acquire a taste for it. I’d like for you to. It would make for a much closer friendship between us.
Willene: I’m afraid i can’t finish it. Would you like to share it?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: No. I’ve already had it, thank you.
Willene: Do you mind if i throw it away?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: Not at all, my dear. Most things of that nature are disposable. Please throw it in the bag under the sink.
Willene: Why Mrs. Hammond! You’ve got a whole pile of them in here.
Mrs. Gert Hammond: Call me gert, Willene. I feel that you’ve gotten to know me more intimately. Yes, those cucumbers did not age properly enough to suit my hungry lips. So i had to get rid of them.

Mrs. Gert Hammond: What about the potatoes?
Toydy: Here they are. Two lumpy ten-pound bags.
Mrs. Gert Hammond: You're very cruel! I should go away … but i can't.
Toydy: Why not?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: Because i would fall into the oven like the witch in Hansel and Gretel. That would leave you alone in the kitchen to eat all the cookies and peppermint sticks.
Toydy: And what would be wrong with that?
Mrs. Gert Hammond: You would get sick! And no one would be around to give you an enema.

Mrs. Gert Hammond: Too much talk in this kitchen and not enough action. Start cookin' me now, honey, before i go rotten.

Mrs. Gert Hammond: My son was big for his age. He was to be doomed with bigness.

Mrs. Gert Hammond: The one thing that made his life worth living has been crushed by the weight of his own testicles.

Chandler: Everything is a story here, but i don't mind. Just so long as i can clearly see the road to my mission.
Sash: And what road is that, Chandler?
Chandler: Highway 135 to Waco, Texas. The road to that girdle factory with the giant neon lettering branding the Texas sky, branding it with fiery red letters that spell “House of Phillips Unlimited.”
Sash: Why would you want to go back to that place after the terrible tragedy that happened to your ... w-wife, Sarah Lou Phillips?
Chandler: Because i want to forget Sarah Lou Phillips and her father, Leland Phillips, creator of The House of Phillips Unlimited. But how can i when they're still manufacturing those girdles by the tens of thousands?
Sash: Hasn't the government put a stop to the production of those flammable things?
Chandler: Well, there's a movement in the courts now to halt production until the company chemists can take out the volatile element. But until that time, those giant wooden looms are still churning out those stretchable death traps.
Sash: Has Leland Phillips no heart? What of all the women who don't realize they're purchasing a potentially deadly weapon?
Chandler: Leland Phillips is said to have a heart of gold, and it's true. But they fail to mention that he's also got lungs of silver, a stomach of copper and kidneys made out of tungsten.

Sash: What can free you of this crippling disorder?
Chandler: The destruction of The House of Phillips Unlimited. All it would take is a … Coca-cola bottle filled with gasoline.
Sash: That's Dr. Pepper country down there.

Bing: Every time I see that trainer puttin' those hula hoops on you and see those kids screaming with the Cracker Jacks flying out of their mouths and the cotton candy sticking to their chins it makes me sick! Sick, Samson! I wanna puke on 'em. God knows it wouldn't make any difference, not with all the mustard and ice cream dripping down their fat little necks. You can't even tell between the freckles and the … mashed popcorn. No Medusa. I, I wasn't talking about you. Gorillas are different from little children, they … have more hair.

Bing: She turned that massive head toward me and bared those giant yellow teeth in a smile of affection. I screamed! I screamed so loud that every creature in the circus went wild in their cages. The maintenance men found me lying by the calliope … calliope, trying to sing “I Love You Truly”. Medusa was lying there in the sleeping bag massaging her breasts. They said it took four, four, four men from the, the looney bin to … carry me away.
Sash: You were put under observation?
Bing: For a whole week. Then I was set free and I went back to work. Only this time, Medusa was observing me. Every second. And she made little lewd gestures with her toes. Made my flesh crawl.
Sash: So, why is she so dangerous, if she loves you that much?
Bing: Her love was forcibly repressed by the bars of a cage. When she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with me, she … tried making love to Señor Tostada, her trainer.

Bing: The way that gorilla looked at me, I knew exactly what she was thinking while she was gyrating.

Mrs. Gert Hammond: Shut the hell up, you god damn puppet! You’re nothing but a puppet for the weather bureau. And they pull the strings that make your mouth go up and down. I bet you don’t even know what the hell an ActiBar is. And don’t go tellin’ me it’s some kind of a popsicle, cuz it ain't.

fin

Carter 'Doc' McCoy: Now you're gonna have to walk on back to the border.

Cowboy: Oh that's alright. Don't worry 'bout me.

Carter 'Doc' McCoy: Hope you find what you're lookin' for.

[Shakes hands with the Cowboy]

Cowboy: Vaya con Dios. You too, maam.

[Walks away]

Cowboy: Take care, ya hear? God damn!

[laughing and walking]

Carter 'Doc' McCoy: [to Carol] Come on.

[Drives away in the most beat up truck I've ever seen]

Is that how it goes in the book?