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I just saw a movie thatll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. Its called 300. I dont know what the title has to do with the movie, but they couldve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and itd still rule.
Its about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.
The movie takes place about a million years ago, and its sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, I need some extra sauce packets guess what? Youre getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.
I cant spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISNT ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass thats hitting someones balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.
TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDNT LIKE:
COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isnt historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS couldve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzels Pretzel is telling you that youll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.
COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. Theres wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like hes got Rosie ODonnell on his back.
Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.
NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY (DUDE-ITY)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think theyre serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.
Any directors reading this ITS OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.
Cant someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie Ive seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
― admrl, Friday, 4 May 2007 19:57 (seventeen years ago) link
i have been reading alot of this board in these days and im wondering about somethings:
what is beard disco???
why does that man grayd say im banned with im not???
lindsay loan is a whor
-- ralph, Saturday, May 5, 2007 6:18 AM (3 hours ago)
― am0n, Saturday, 5 May 2007 14:16 (seventeen years ago) link