pot vs. Alzheimers

Since July, dad’s habit of walking in the middle of the road and treating cars driving past him like cars driving on the sidewalk has expanded to treating people walking on the sidewalk like cars driving on the sidewalk. And these days, all he cares about is walking. He used to care about watching a movie, going for a swim, meeting friends, listening to classical music and drinking wine; not anymore. It’s all walking, shouting gibberish, and getting into fights now. Risperidone doesn't help.

I think it’s time to put him in a retirement home and I feel really bad about it. I should follow him around 24/7 - he doesn't sleep anymore - and explain to people he just knocked over & insulted that it’s nobody’s fault, but I just can’t hack it.

not sure where you reside or if it's viable but my wife and her dad had her mom placed in a group home for patients w/Alzheimer's or dementia, basically a five bedroom house with around the clock care. it allows for a less hospital-style atmosphere, it feels like the home that it's intended to be.

Good luck, Wes. It's hard to admit it's time, but it's time. It's impossible to care for someone with that level of dementia on your own. It wasn't until my dad had to be hospitalized that I was convinced of that. Today he's far safer and more comfortable in an assisted living community than he was at home.

sorry wes

my mom had to put her mom in a home recently because of non-alzheimers dementia (very similar to what it sounds like omar is describing) and it's definitely better than trying to keep an eye on her 24/7

dementia runs in my family, not looking forward to having to do the same with my parents

I watched my dad, a six-foot-two former decathlete, push a spastic lady into a hedge during his Friday morning walk, with all the glee of a toddler chasing pigeons.

This is making things a lot easier. He’ll be gone on Monday, checking into a reasonably cozy dementia ward that has 35 other patients and lots of space to move around in. I didn’t give the care home Dad’s neurologist’s prescription for Melperone so he should be fine if he finds a good listener.

The knowledge that I did the right thing only adds cognitive dissonance to the overwhelming, gut-wrenching feeling that I abandoned my father.

You've put him into a situation where he is safe and getting care from specialists. At home, no amount of vigilance on your part would have allowed you to protect him or others 24x7 from the effects of his dementia. You did your best as long as you could, and then you did what had to be done.

I still feel guilty sometimes, but I remind myself that I didn't cause my father's dementia. There's an unconscious tendency to want to believe everything is somehow in my control -- the flip side of believing for a long time I could care for him by myself was the irrational belief that his getting worse was the result of my failings. Both ideas reflected a longing to create some order out of the chaos around him, and both turned out to be false.

My father has been in memory care for more than a year now, and talking with the staff and interacting with the other residents has made it easier to understand what has happened to him. There's still a lot to be done, but it's gotten easier now that I have some professional help and some time and distance to think more clearly.

Your father is lucky to have you on his side.

Thanks Brad. I tried, a little too much, to focus on the parts of my father's life that were improvable, and forgot that the ship, as a whole, was still sinking.

I guess I'm over it now? At least the daily crying fits have ceased. I gained 20 lbs but managed to quit smoking tobacco by being too depressed to smoke.

A week ago dad changed homes and upgraded from "reasonably cozy" to a single room with a window facing south, a balcony, access to a garden, and twelve hours of games, singing, arts & crafts every day. I should move in with him.

sounds like you're doing well by him

I don't know about that. If he could see me throw his beloved possessions in the trash like I'm doing rn he would blow a fuse!

doesn't sound like he'll ever need or want them again! sometimes wish I could do that with my own stuff tbrr

98% of the remaining contents of Dad's house needs to be trashed or given away; the problem will be digging out the other 2%

as his dementia came on, his old clutter-gathering habits gradually disappeared ... today I tried to give him a couple of pairs of pajamas my brother sent him for Christmas; he studied them dubiously and told me to take them if I had any use for them

^ Dad doesn’t seem to miss his collection of fancy sommelier knives at all! He’s into yardsticks now, apparently.

sometimes wish I could do that with my own stuff tbrr

Also, I spoke to my sis
“I’m not going to visit dad! I hate him”
“Dad is not the person you used to know, he’s basically an oversized three-year-old now”
“If he isn’t dad anymore, why would I visit him?”
A math student should have a better command of logic imo. Then again dad stopped beating me up when I was in third grade, whereas my sister has been body-shamed by him at every opportunity since puberty.

I definitely understand that ambiguity she's feeling

my grandfather didn't have alzheimers, just rapidly diminishing mental faculties to the extent he could carry on a conversation but wouldn't recognize my dad, and some family members felt that way. There's the added punch of the fact you still have those memories and feelings, and it's hard to have all of your being wrapped up in feeling on the defensive and adversarial in front of someone who doesn't have any memory of the past.

A math student should have a better command of logic imo.

what is the logic that says she should visit him?

Three-year-olds are adorable, is that not logical?

you don't have decades of negative experiences with a three year old!

even if he's no longer that person, he is that person to her

There's the added punch of the fact you still have those memories and feelings, and it's hard to have all of your being wrapped up in feeling on the defensive and adversarial in front of someone who doesn't have any memory of the past.

My sister has seen Dad maybe four or five times since he moved into memory care 18 months ago, which to be fair is probably about as often as she would have seen him if he were still in his right mind. I don't know if she's quite able to accept that the contrarian oppressor of our teenage years is no longer present.