How to avoid flamewars
Mon, Jun 28, 2004; by Dave Winer.
When you've written something strong and personal, before posting, re-read it and pause for a few moments. Re-read what you've written and imagine that someone said what you've said, about you. Would you like it? Would you feel it was fair? Or would you feel angry? If so, you should probably reword it, so at least you would be okay with it. That doesn't guarantee that the person you've written about will be okay with it. We're all different, our buttons are in different places, we're sensitive to different things.
Now imagine if the person you're writing about said what you said about you. This catches a whole other level of problem. For example, I don't like being personally criticized, but I especially don't like personal criticism from a member of the opposite gender. I think this is pretty common. I've also noticed that women don't like being put down by men. So be especially careful when making personal comments about people of the opposite gender.
In the last round of flaming, the issue of sexism was raised. There's no doubt there was sexism. But a certain kind of sexism, sexism about men, is largely invisible. Luckily there's a simple way to make it visible. Read the sentence where someone makes general statements about why men are bad, or wrong, or incompetent, and switch around the gender. If it wouldn't be politically correct to say that about women, then it isn't PC to say it about men. We're striving for equality here, right?
Now having said how to talk about personalities, let me add this -- if possible, don't do it at all, because it's a minefield, and your perception into another person's personality, esp through an impersonal medium like this one, is very limited. Chances that you'll get it right are close to nil. Chances that you'll evoke the anger of the other person are close to certainty. So stick to talking about ideas, you're on much safer ground. Most of us can stand having our ideas criticized, even if we don't like being criticized as a person.
Like everywhere else, most of the people participating in discourse on the Internet are good people wanting to do good things. There are a few people with other motives, god knows why, but they surely are there. For most people, the best rule is The Golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We're all human, so there are times when we break the rule, but in general it should apply to discourse everywhere, including the Internet.
On the receiving end
Okay, now what to do if someone has made a personal statement about you and it makes you feel angry. How do you deal with that? Well, first, it's totally okay to feel angry, but you don't have to act on the anger. It's a choice. When someone makes a personal statement about you, they're entering your space, and now it's time to decide -- fight or flight. Do you try to kill the invader, or run away? Now before you send a flame back or run away, let's come back to reality. In fact, it's likely there is no physical threat to your well-being. Check it out. It's just an email or a blog post. Usually these aren't life-threatening, even if it often feels that way.
Now, what does it mean? First, ask yourself how well this person knows you. Have you ever met? How long have you known each other? If the answer is that the person doesn't know you, or you've never met, then the chance that the post is really about you is very small. Instead think of it this way, the post is about a person they think you are. In fact the post is about the author, not you. So if they say "You really need to see a psychiatrist," what they really mean is "the version of you inside of me needs to see a psychiatrist." They're using you to say something to and about themself. Yeah, people are strange. Nowhere is this clearer than in a flamewar on the Internet.
I think the best thing to do is to cross out all the personal stuff as you read their post, and find something to respond to that isn't personal. Perhaps try to imagine how they feel, and sympathize. They aren't happy for some reason, or they wouldn't be flaming. Usually people feel that way when they feel they aren't being listened to or considered. Go back a few posts and see what they were trying to say before the flames started. See if you can find a way to acknowledge what they are saying. Begin sentences with "I understand that.." and don't be snotty, don't say "I understand that you're a raving lunatic" or "I understand that your mommy didn't breast feed you." Treat everyone like an adult if you can, and forgive them for being human, because you're one too.
― flamejugglersgoldandsilverminescliffdiverscavernsandcavesfilledwithstalacti (dea, Wednesday, 30 June 2004 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)
one year passes...
eight months pass...