Have You Ever Shit Your Pants?

http://www.cornelishollander.com/ch/images/braille.jpg

there was some message board a while back that had a thread on this.

It spanned hundreds of pages...I laughed, cried, and learned a lot about life.

oh, and to answer the question, the last time I did I was like 9 years old. Couple of photo finishes maybe but my sphincter is made of steel.

my sphincter is made of steel.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/fa/Batfink.gif/150px-Batfink.gif

Back in '99, I had my first Valentine's date with my girlfriend at the time. She was very smart (recent college graduate) and was also a sexy burlesque model. So I took her to this fancy mafia-style steakhouse that had lots of red velvet and a piano.

I ordered a 30 ounce steak. Now, it's important to note that I'm only 5'7" and have a pretty slight build. But the steak was AMAZING, and the company was easily its equal.

Before I knew it, I had about one bite to go. Accompanying this bite was an unexpected shart. I excused myself, and made it to the bathroom in time to see the first bite poking out the other end. I threw away my boxers, cleaned up, and returned to the meal.

I told her I was "under the weather" and we did not make out that Valentine's day. I also did not tell her this story until about two years later.

Hasn't happened again since, even when I was on tour with food poisoning.

some dude posted a story on the net once about how he was driving a car with his girlfriend and her mother and he had to take a humongous shit but there was nowhere to stop for miles (I think he was in a country town).

So he pulled over to the side of the road, went somewhere "private" and took a shit in a dumpster, casually but not efficiently wiping his ass with his boxers, which he threw in the dumpster as well.

So he got back in the car and it was a hot day on top of that and the ac wasn't working real well. So with the poo fumes and the heat, apparently he had to stop the car every 10 minutes so that his gf's mother could get out to throw up.

Just once, after crystal meth and 12 vodka tonics. I deserved it.

Apropos de rien: Don't let yr main daily meals be salad for too many days in a row.

"shart" omg

"one of the ten best shits of my life"

jayblanchard.xls

Couple of photo finishes maybe but my sphincter is made of steel.

-- Bo Jackson Overdrive, Sunday, December 9, 2007 7:13 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Link

RIP

1nce or fore times since i was tewelve, but who r u to judge, only god can judge my anus

Once at Glastonbury, on a combination of magic mushrooms and alcohol. The weather was atrocious that year too - after throwing my boxers away, and cleaning myself up mostly with newspaper, I ambled over to buy some toilet roll, only to be told there would be fifteen minutes wait. I struggled for 2 minutes, then passed out and fell face down into a giant mud puddle. Then I went to see Coldcut.

Another time, in between Xmas and New Year 1997. A friend had invited me over to her flat to get shitfaced. She'd started at 4, I got there at 9 and decided to play catchup, drinking half pints of vodka and JD to do so..the last I remember was her giving me a cup of tea, and then passing out on her bathroom floor. I came round to vomit into her toilet and shat myself at the same time. I left her flat at 4am, with my shitted boxers in a bag, having vomited in every room in her flat.

a combination of magic mushrooms and alcohol

Pretty much a sure fire guarantee of some kind of vom/shite/piss related bodily dysfunction.

I am lolling like a maniac reading this thread. Actually it would be ironic if I shat myself from laughing so much...

How come most of these stories are of British provenance (near as I can tell)? Are Brits most prone to shitting their pants?

Oh, and for me, bits and pieces here and there but never the whole show since baby times.

P.S. There's some amazing writing on this thread, e.g. "some of those toilets were so traumatizing they turned black and white in my memory within five minutes of leaving them."

P.P.S. Some of the causes are almost as wretch-inducing as the effects, e.g. "after crystal meth and 12 vodka tonics."

Some of the commenters here might consider submitting their contributions to "The Poop Report".

http://www.poopreport.com

Another time, in between Xmas and New Year 1997. A friend had invited me over to her flat to get shitfaced. She'd started at 4, I got there at 9 and decided to play catchup, drinking half pints of vodka and JD to do so..the last I remember was her giving me a cup of tea, and then passing out on her bathroom floor

lightweight

maybe he was, but his pants sure weren't.....

One of my favorites. or

"I'm good twice a year for that."

If I didn't before, I now have a deep love for George Brett.

http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants

i remember being 11 and having to pelt the john with biscuits but my mom fucking had the sliding glass door shut so I couldn't get in and I dropped a turd right in my pants that was long and slender, like a sausage....

Also just narrowly avoided this last year, but it was still pretty embarassing. had a theatre rehearsal in a hot warehouse and made the mistake of eating greasy Chicken Fries from BK 5 mins prior. My stomach started bubbling and I had to start crumping to avoid releasing my bowels all over the floor.

This warehouse had a bathroom but well it wasn't used very often. I realized that trying to hold it wouldn't work so I finally ran in there and took a humongous shit. fortunately there was toilet paper in there.

but imagine the look of horror on my face when I flushed the toilet and it only made a wee little sound and still retained all of the rancid feces. and did so after a second flush.

Oh and it was a photo shoot that day for the play. Meaning the girls needed to use said bathroom. At the time, my g/f and I had been dating like 2 months. Leaving behind Shaqbombs in the toilet where she'd be changing would have been an instant breakup.

It also took a while to wipe so every 5 minutes the girls in the cast were knocking to taunt me and asked if I was masturbating in there. I started saying I was because that was a preferable alternative.

But after the third flush, teh shit went down the hole. Thank God. The scent may have lingered but my g/f didn't say anything.

one more failed flush and you would've been picking up poop with TP and depositing it in soda cans in nearby trashcans, you dodged a bullet!

lol and see i wouldn't have even thought of that at the time so i may have just exited the building running...

Yes :(

Yes :)

sin boldly into the pants

6 cans of stella + a two litre bottle of frosty jacks + a half-bottle of whiskey = shit in my pants.

shit my pants in front of a nun who wouldn't give me permission to leave class for the toilet.

wasn't even a defiant gesture, i just had to shit myself. i was let out after, which struck me as a little horse/stable door but anyway.

are you sure you're not stealing that anecdote from a frank mccourt book?

no jesus we weren't deprived it was just lol nuns tbh. another who fainted in class was revived by having her head flushed in the jacks. we were poor but we were hungry etc

uh she didn't faint cos i shit myself or anything, but just wanna say if you're growing up on an island with only two primary schools, shitting yourself in front of your classmates does you absolutely no fucking favours from the age 13-college

can't even imagine the nicknames....

Darragcrap
Dookiemac

And as I'm typing this the episode of the cartoon 16 where everybody is puking/has the shits due to poorly refrigerated Chunklets is on....

Once, in the middle of a pub, while paralytic on Guinness.

i didn't mind the nicknames (they never actually materialised) but i didn't have a girlfriend that wasn't a holidayer until i moved

I'm allowed to shit my pants once a year. And that's it. For many years I held true to that pact, until a few years ago I accidentally did it twice. Funny thing is, the incidents were about three weeks apart during the summer. Wearing shorts too. So after that, I decided to go two years without doing it. It was a success. And then this past new year's day, I failed again. Nine hours after after the ball dropped, I let one slip by. My wife doesn't let me forget about that one. Bottom line, never trust a fart folks.

I knew something terrible was going to happen today, just felt it from the first moment I woke up.
It could have been worse, really.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my make up
I do a little shart for you

And while combing my hair now
you know that my pants are brown, ow
I do a little shart for you

ahh the memories

was worried I'd join this hall of shame yesterday.

went to go see some friends in a local community theatre show (kid friendly). this theatre is very small, 30 seats or so, and one bathroom only. and I know the owners of it very well.

I got to the theatre 10 minutes prior to showtime and around 5 minutes prior, my bowels began asserting their dominance. Like, it was going to be explosive. At the time, the bathroom was occupied, I'd have no time to use it prior to showtime. so I figured I'd just deal with it.

it was a kid's show so it was only a 30 minute first act, but it was the longest 30 minutes ever. At the beginning, they asked us to stand, so I farted some of it out and thought it was over. 15 minutes later, it was back.

Intermission comes and I feel like omg, I'm not gonna make it. However - again, only one bathroom. and there was no way I was going to hold up the bathroom line by dropping a log that might take 20 minutes to get rid of. so I go outside to see if there are any local businesses I can hit up. Nope, not within walking distance. so I keep walking and fart it out a little more, go back inside.

don't want to leave at this point because I couldn't come back on another night and figured I could hang on for another 30 minutes, after the latest round of farts. so I walk back to my seat, where the theatre owner asks me if I can play a bit role (the Magic Mirror) in Act 2 (short story - the actress who was slated to play the role had a seizure backstage on opening night, so they had been filling it with guests and giving them a script every night since). Ok, cool, I say.

I feel ok for ten minutes or so, and then Snow White shows up on stage and my stomach starts to bubble again. Panicked, I turned to the theatre owner (who was seated behind me) and asked "when is Magic Mirror up?", and he told me....next. fuck. I was *sweating* at this point. But I breathed a little and managed to get to feeling a lil better and they called me up on stage.

I did my bit part for 5 mins and fortunately didn't shit myself on stage, and the distraction actually helped. so I go back to my seat figuring the worst is over, then after the show I can rush home and dumpski to my heart's delight.

But no, the sensation to dump got worse and worse. and one of my friends hadn't done her part yet so I didn't want to frantically run to the bathroom.

well, she did her part, and at that point, I couldn't wait any longer, and basically bolted past the audience into the one-seater bathroom and just destrrrrrrroyed it, but it was a quick dump. managed to do my business and get cleaned up in a tidy 5 minutes.

got back to my seat (one of the rare places that doesn't care about re-entry) - and was just in time for characters on stage to address me in the audience as my character! but now I was feeling fine enough to actually laugh loudly with the audience.

the official story I gave my friends was that I had to "pee very badly". still giggling about how silly last night was.

I nearly shit myself this morning!

I had to deposit a check at my bank, about 15 minutes from my house. I was feeling really lazy, so after changing out of my pajamas, i just threw on a pair of khakis and went commando rather than run back upstairs to add underwear to the equation. Stopped off at the dunkin donuts drive-thru to get a large coffee. Made it to the bank and realized the coffee hit my stomach wrong, but it took three tries for the machine to accept my check. Heading home, I didn't want to stop anywhere and shit up some poor store's bathroom. Being Sunday morning, there wasn't much open anyway. I just drove on, hoping for green lights.

Finally made it home and dashed in the door, farting with every footfall as I leapt up the front steps. I wasn't entirely sure at the time that I wasn't shitting my pants, but by the grace of god I was saved. Thankfully the family was still asleep and no one impeded my dash to the john.

always kinda excited when this thread is revived

1nce or fore times since i was tewelve, but who r u to judge, only god can judge my anus

― Pooping Christ, Thursday, July 31, 2008 1:06 AM (7 years ago)

I like Neanderthal's story but I'm kinda boggling at the idea that 5 minutes is a "quick dump"

For what my stomach was doing I was feeling like a 20 minute session was on deck. So lucky