The Art World is Short. Discuss.

"Urp! And EEEK! And ORK! I haf had e-NUFF wiff the faux Turner Prize winners!" said Gillian Wearing.

"CHIZ CHIZ," agreed Georgina Starr, lighting another Marlboro. "It were a right laugh down our snicket that day we tried to convince Ed that Nobson Newtown was a real place."

"Strewth!" sighed Paul Noble. "Did you know my name was Simon, and the things I draw come true?"

Surely my lack of achievements must cheer you up Nick.

This is all shortist by the way.

Surely my lack of achievements must cheer you up Nick.

This is all shortist by the way. Since when have artists worried about appearing patronising though?

I went to an opening tonight. By the time I got there the wine had run out. My path to the other side of the room led me past a photographer standing at photograph's distance away from a young woman and he was saying "You've got a great... face!" And she smiles, like "...?" and he's like "You've got a.... LIVING face!". After letting that moment linger for a deliciously precious half-second I barge through the middle of them and hear her say "well I should HOPE so"