At What Point In Your Life Did Your Personality Get "Set" (If Indeed, It Ever Did)

(xpost) I think personality is an expression of core values, but I also think the tools we use, and the modes of expression we access are unchanging.

Example: SomeZ is on a deep private level unsure of her personal worth. Early in Z's life, there's a lot of bragging, brash adolescent silliness. Even some bullying. But Z grows out of that. As a twenty-something Z feels constantly depressed. Maybe seeks some therapy?? 30s? Z's clinging to a loveless marriage. 40s? Kids, new career, workaholic, making herself indispensible to her clients. 50s? Burnt out, feeling unappreciated, drops out of life a little bit. 60s? Joins a hippie church... doesn't love it, but the people are kind., etc. Always the same person, same drives... but two to people who meet her twenty years apart she might seem 100% different, though always with the same center, same ideals, same core of conscience.

thanks CJ. Yes, not to hurt others is urgent and key here.

**why I included parenthood as one of the list of life-changing things that really can permanently alter your outlook.** said Kate.

It's probably the biggest life-change. Suddenly you are totally responsible for them, they totally depend on you. You're responsible for everything from the basics like warmth, shelter, food, safety etc to making provision for their future, teaching them how to navigate their way through physical and emotional changes.

Thinking about it, and going back on what I said before, maybe that does change your personality. You can't act it out, but I guess for the vast majority the bond is so instant and strong that you don't need to. I became more patient, more empathetic, probably more 'gentle' after having children. These maybe go deeper than just new behaviour.

I think this prospect alone is enough to make me never want kids, to a large extent.

I think personality is an expression of core values, but I also think the tools we use, and the modes of expression we access are unchanging.

Example: SomeZ is on a deep private level unsure of her personal worth. Early in Z's life, there's a lot of bragging, brash adolescent silliness. Even some bullying. But Z grows out of that. As a twenty-something Z feels constantly depressed. Maybe seeks some therapy?? 30s? Z's clinging to a loveless marriage. 40s? Kids, new career, workaholic, making herself indispensible to her clients. 50s? Burnt out, feeling unappreciated, drops out of life a little bit. 60s? Joins a hippie church... doesn't love it, but the people are kind., etc. Always the same person, same drives... but two to people who meet her twenty years apart she might seem 100% different, though always with the same center, same ideals, same core of conscience.

This actually makes some kind of sense - to an outside observer it would appear that Z is changing her personality like a fashion accessory, but there is a deep core level personality which is not changing, but finding different expressions. Gives me more understanding of why a person would *be* like that.

But this goes back to the same friend I was having the discussion of "falseness" with. My life has been constant flux, I am always looking for things that are the same. Other people, whose lives have been stable sameness are often looking for the differences, the exceptions, the things that change.

But when I read things like you, Dr. C, and Beth Parker have just written, I am kind of awestruck that people manage to do it. Respect.

And when the kids are older The REAL humbler is the realization one what a one-way street parent-child love evolves into. My love for my kids is so devouring and greedy—no way they can love me back that way. They're going to love their own lovers and kids that way. They love me in their way, and certainly want me to BE there, but I still can barely keep my hands off them. It's not useful love for them—that smothering thing, so I'm always curbing it. Stopping myself from asking constant questions, etc. They need some separation!

You're right Beth - I see that distancing starting in my son (aged 14).

I'm a bit of a wreck today. The emotional floodgates that I referred to way upthread may well open wide unless I get off the thread and do something constructive.

Anyway I don't have children, but I think I understand.

It's good you feel that way about your kids Beth. B/c I'm not sure all parents do.

Yes, pretty OTM once you get past the traumas of adolescence and the necessary separation.

Sometimes I can't stand my mother, sometimes she drives me insane, but I still love her so much I just can't contemplate ever being without me. So much it scares me sometimes. And that's when I get cranky and distancing, maybe. Because I'm scared of losing that love.

I think most parents love their kids massively, even if they're incompetent at putting it into practice. The desire for touch is a very animal thing, the licking of the cubs, regurgitating of food into their mouths, etc.

And Laurel's right: I adore both of my parents. Complicated, sure, but without reserve.

I don't gush about them much

Oh don't worry, please, I wasn't complaining at all! I have so many friends with kids and I love them all -- it's great to be an unofficial uncle to so many around here in particular. But as was noted, it takes a certain kind of person to be a parent -- I don't think I am, though I've been told otherwise. In sum: Dr. C, feel free to talk about yer kids whenever. :-)

But I also know, from my too brief experience of being pregnant, that it's not really something you get a choice in, that it's very powerful and primal and hormonal. You can express that love badly, you can mingle it with resentment and other emotions, but it's something that happens on a neurotransmitter level, not a logical level.

Oh, this is making me very sad now. :-(

I wonder about this often in the case of abusive/neglectufl parents. You can chalk their actions up to their own emotional/mental issues but when that treatment of their children never changes. . .when they never acknowledge it, fix it, own up to it?

I can't say I have any massive love for my parents. My mother, yes some, but largely out of obligation. I'm not sure what I'll feel when she dies, probably some guilt, not sure. Overall I've made peace with keeping her at arm's length and disenganging her from my emotions and life as much as possible. She seems to have no problem with this and has never had much to do with my life anyway. I wish my father was already dead.

I now look back on childhood memories of dinner through a much different viewpoint.

http://www.awn.com/mag/issue1.3/images/Beck7.gif

So many people are damaged by addictions and undiagnosed mental illness. I'm sure they all have painful moments of lucidity about their parental failings. I don't think my father did, but, oh well.

my point was simply I don't think everyone has that essential parental chip that you and Dr. C were describing. Reproductive organs aside, not just anyone can be a parent.

My father was horribly abused as a kid and is GREAT with kids. Ophelia just loves him so much.

Whoa, I wouldn't go that far!

;-)

Uh... no.

Millions of years of further evolution will prove that I was in the right.

they might be surprised that i'm married, though. and rather more so if we spawn.

Kate: But one thing I've noticed from this thread is that things go more easily if you don't just react about something someone has said that you disagree with (and it's taken a few instances of self discipline to refrain from zings) but rather to ask questions and get the person to clarify and rephrase until you understand what they are saying, not just what you expect/think they are saying, due to your impression of what their personality is or isn't.

Says Ms "lalala, I'm not listening" - you'll notice from recent interaction on "your" thread that I have not resorting to zinging or cheap points-scoring, rather I have set out in detail some issues which may impinge on the way others see you, but all you've done is go "oh, fuck off already, I can't be arsed with this". But, hey, perhaps if I do it again you'll be more receptive to my points.

(also see your reaction to certain people on the vegetarianism thread (and other thread passim) based on other issues with them elsewhere...I hope your personality isn't so set in stone that you can't stop doing this all over the place)

no, it actually can change it, i've done it. there was stuff i was *really* bitter about in my early 20s (ok perhaps i don't count and am still in flux and am a mere babe at 28) and it made me miserable to myself and horrible to certain other people. it wasn't just huge things either, but small things would *really* get to me and i was angry and hateful. i decided i did not want to be like that, to myself or to anyone else, and after a lot of internal wrangling i have taught myself to be able to let go, to not be someone who carries badnesses with them like that. and sure, for ages it was literally gritting my teeth and telling myself "it.does.NOT.MATTER.let.it.GO." and reacting "gggrrrnnnghhhbut-but-but-waaaaargh" and so on and so on. but now it's different; i have actually changed.

Emsk - you are me and I claim my five pounds. Except I didn't really get the hang of this until a couple of years ago, and I'm six years older than you. So you aren't me, you're a younger yet wiser me, and you can keep your five pounds.

FWIW, I think I spent too long trying to be something I'm not. I'm happier now than I ever was.

And further, since so much upthread is based upon the involvement of a significant other, this internal change came about several years after I met my husband, and after we got married. And it had nothing, really, to do with him. He married me the way I used to be. I'm still the same, just a bit happier with it. And I'm reaping the rewards - I am more settled in myself, happier with my own company and with that of the friends I have and the company I keep (something I used to prioritise above all others when I was completely incapable of maintaining friendships with anyone, without realising I was going totally the wrong way about it).

I don't think my personality is set in stone yet, but I'm getting happier with it than I was.

(I have no idea what the catalyst for the start of this change was, btw)

Oh, sorry, you've all moved on and are now making jokes about skeletons. Carry on.