Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

GAAAH ok the horns on Midnight Hour are really keyboardy and fake, but that's nothing I can compliment him on.

him: "our version of midnight hour I think improves on the original. the old one is kinda slow, you know? ours is more modern"

You've got to play him the Jam's version, explain that it was done fully 20 years ago, then kick him in the nuts.

"GET me my money! That's all I care about, ok? Get up, find someone who can find me my money! I'm sick and tired of talking to you! You obviously aren't listening to a word I say! Not a word! Nobody is able to tell me where my money was, and to be frankly honest, I don't care for this whole process one bit....Get ME MY MONEY! I really hate this. Where is my money? Where did it all go? Haven't you ever heard of an electronic check? I have records of it! So where is IT??? Give me someone else. Give me someone else to talk to. I don't want to talk to you any more. I mean, I'm sorry but this isn't gonna cut it. I want my money NOW!"

I was half-expecting him to say SHOW me the money. OH, well.

It was all very gangsta-sounding, but that's probably just because of the special russian mafia double episode of Law & Order I watched last night.

*she has been very stupid all her life, now she's stupid and senile

**it's. just. 24. dollars. FERKRISAKE!

hee hee.

"If Dirty want his money,
Y'all should give him his money..."

This person I agreed to work for does all Web work through FrontPage. Has NO CONCEPT of the code behind pages or the fact that you don't have to do everything using FrontPage. Tells me that my problem for uploading files is that I have "not logged on to FrontPage." I patiently try and explain, over and over, that it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FRONTPAGE. He doesn't believe me.

Then, he suggests I try and "get a copy" of FrontPage off of a techie guy he knows who used to work for Microsoft. You see, this person who specializes in business is now asking me to obtain illegal copies of software for his convenience.

The ironing is delicious. I am this close to saying, next time he insists on FrontPage, if YOU KNOW SO MUCH about how this crapsh!t software works why did you HIRE ME?

I was asked to scan in and include full colour pics of the (incredibly unattractive) staff, and so I did (even though I tried to tactfully suggest this wasn't a good idea), but they came back complaining that all the photos looked really bad, blotchy and/or black and white. They looked perfectly fine on various machines I used and it then ocurred to me they were probably looking on a shitty old 16 colour monitor.

So I explained this to the so-called web design co. I was freelancing for and they simply said "make the photos better quality, the client isnt happy". WTF!??!?! They were already 256 colour good quality jpgs.

I rather wisely told them to shove theit freelance work up their arses not long after. The end client having no clue is one thing, but the design company also having no clue was a downright hoot.

They didn't understand why it's useful to upgrade for under $100 to FileMaker 6 because "we just upgraded three years ago."

No, I will not fix your computer.

The university system is totally fuX0red.

she is completely fucking unconscious to any human experience save her own. so blithely chucklingly STUPID that it's hard not to read it as coldhearted viciousness. [nb: she works the phones in the hr dept of the fiscally-haemhoragging laborbashing byzantine ratmaze of a public ed inst where i work]

"oh did you year about MY BIG CRISIS on friday? a man called threatening to kill himself! i mean, i guess he wanted his retirement money to go to his family. it's so funny though, we just had a workshop abt difficult customers and one of the things was someone threatening suicide, and i'm like 'no way, that never happens.' anyway, i guess someone from his office took him to the hospital. this job is so STRESSFUL sometimes, i don't know how i do it! okay, byee!!"

anyone know people like this? everything they say is like listening to someone else's unreliable narrator? let me laugh bitterly and relate this one: "i call my friend [whoever] AAALL the time, but it's their cell phone, and maybe they don't have it on a lot, or it's old and doesn't have caller id, but i have left SOOO many messages about, you know, lunch or something, and they haven't EVER gotten back to me! it's the wierdest thing!" CAN YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF NARCISSIZE OVER THE GNASHING OF MY TEETH YOU FUCKING CUNT?!?

I'm also being irritated by this guy who's over 60 and looks down on me because I'm less than a third his age. It's as if I'm not allowed to have an opinion simply because my brain hasn't deteriorated as much as his has. Bah.

You read it here first.

This fellow has a Master's degree and was NOT joking.

07/02/2003 : "And in those angel eyes"
"Gimme gimme gimme"
13/02/2003 : "Now you're giving me the WILL to survive"
17/02/2003 : "Come fly with me lets fly lets fly away, choo choo choo choo"
18/02/2003 : "Lost and lonely"
"Now you call my name umm hmm hmm hmm"
"DA DA DA DA DA DA (REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY) MAAGIIC MOMENTS"
27/02/2003 : "My darkest hour, I just get lost"
28/02/2003 : "You came into my liiiife" (quite tuneful this one).
03/03/2003 : He appears to be humming the theme tune from batman, but I could be wrong.
05/03/2003 : "And then you start to scream 'Give it to me'"
07/03/2003 : "You say it best-ah when you say nothing at all"
"Cos breaking up is so"
"You know that I need your tender touch"
10/03/2003 : "Wish you wanted my..." CLICK CLAP CLAP "dum de dum"
12/03/2003 : That Muppets tune followed by...
"You say that you love you love me but then you say you don't
You say you'll come on over but then you say you won't"
13/03/2003 : "Two hearts living in two separate worlds da dap dadap dap"
14/03/2003 : "That's where I'm gonna go when I die CARDIO-VASCULAR!"
"Mr Saturday Dince (?) da da da da daaaa da da da da da da da da da da"
"Doo doo dooo dooo dooo don't get around much any more"
17/03/2003 : "It's a beautiful day"
19/03/2003 : "Every do do do do do dooo do do la la la la la la"
20/03/2003 : "These are the days of our lives"
21/03/2003 : "Is a name I call myself a long long way to run"
"A DROP of golden sun-ah!"
"Nanananana You win again! Mmmmm-hmmmmm"
27/03/2003 : "Alone to the pyramids at night"
"I don't care what they say.... Tomorrow!"
01/04/2003 : "Love! Lift us up where you belong"
08/04/2003 : "Who knows what tomorrow brings"
"All I know is here and now morning ruth"
"Do you need someone to love, bom bom bom bom"
10/04/2003 : "Devoted to you hooom"
14/04/2003 : "No you can't take that away from me"
15/04/2003 : "And if you should discover that you don't really love her"
"Take good care........ of my baby"
"Be just as kind as you can... veee"
16/04/2003 : "RIIIAG NONA RIIIAGGHHH!"
17/04/2003 : "The lambs of mist"
25/04/2003 : "Got my fingers got mah"
06/05/2003 : "In my hour of darkness"
"There will be an answer, let it be"
07/05/2003 : "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good"
08/05/2003 : "I say yes you are wonderful"
27/05/2003 : "I don't care what they say I'm gonna love you child any old way"
"I'll give you dee dee dee I don't care, Yeah!"
30/05/2003 : "Love the one you're with"
02/06/2003 : "Talkin' about..."
"I can't go on..."
05/06/2003 : "Do the little ordinary things that anyone ought to do ba bom ba bom"
"The very thought of you and I forget you the ordinary things"
"I'm living in a time of day"
"Tell me that you'll come on over"
25/06/2003 : "Women of a certain age"
27/06/2003 : "You don't neaaad me"
"Baby now that I've found you da la dela go"
30/06/2003 : "My love won't ever be the same"
"I sit and watch"
"It's not the way you smile that tears me apart"
01/07/2003 : "Don't break my heart"
"Build me a buttercup"
02/07/2003 : "My cherie amour pretty as a summer's day"
03/07/2003 : "And words are all I ha-ave to take my heart away"
04/07/2003 : "THE RISE AND FAAAHHHL! do do do dodododododo" (v. loud)
07/07/2003 : "My back's turned to the sun"
08/07/2003 : "I hope I die"
"The writing's on the wall dldldldldldlddedld"
09/07/2003 : He is singing the match of the day theme tune.
10/07/2003 : He is muttering "Porche" to himself.
11/07/2003 : "I will never let you see"
"I will never let you go"
"How my broken heart is how many good one's we got Frank?"
"Oooh heartaches and pains"
"I'll do my crying in the rain"
"All my heartache and pain"
15/07/2003 : "Well I know in times of trouble... mothermarycomestome"
22/07/2003 : "I will never ever let you go, oh Nikita I love you so"
23/07/2003 : "You tell me that you'll come on over then you say FRANK!"
"Please don't please da da dada da da"
24/07/2003 : "You know that I need your tender.... touch"
"I'll give her to you one more time..." (makes farting trumpet noise)
"You're lonely like a hurricane"
"Then you say you don't"
"Galveston oh Galveston"
25/07/2003 : "The way you smile tears me apart... doesn't matter what you say"
"I'm gonna love you girl any old way"
"I don't care what they say about yooou"
"Foulll! Bobby Charlton!"
30/07/2003 : "You got a long long way to go... ah-ha"
"Yes you will pay a price but look how much it changed"
"I can do anything, I am STRONG!"
"I am strong, I am invincible"
01/08/2003 : "Doesn't matter what they say, gonna love you child any old way"
04/08/2003 : "Still crazy after all these years"
"Deee it be nice to hmmm hmmm hmmmm"
05/08/2003 : "Lalalalala it's not the way you smile that.... tears me apart"
"I'll have a little band of gold... that you are mine"
02/09/2003 : "You get a little weary when the sun goes down"
09/09/2003 : "There's a truth in your eyes saying how are you young lady?"
"Say you'll never leave me"
10/09/2003 : "I had the time of my life, and I never felt this way before"
11/09/2003 : "Love is the right thing to DOOOOO! right..."
15/09/2003 : "I'm beginning to see the light"
18/09/2003 : "Start off the day with pie and scar father jones" (?!?)
19/09/2003 : "I don't know why"
23/09/2003 : "Why d'you pass me by-hy"
24/09/2003 : "I'm so happy I almost died"
25/09/2003 : "Stop look and listen, dat-ta-da"
26/09/2003 : "I got my self a da-waag oh woah woah woah"
08/10/2003 : "Little darling... Little darling... ... ... Little darling"
"Little darling"
"Little darling"
"Little darling... It's been a long long"
"Little darling"
10/10/2003 : "Your mod soul... The day the muuuuuuuuuuuuuuusic died"
"The day the music died... Do you believe in god above"
13/10/2003 : "HIYA! Baby I know..."
"Oh how can I"
"and I'll cry if I want to. Cry if I want to. You would cry too if it hap-"
"dedididuedidue" Followed by weird snort noise - what the hell was that??
16/10/2003 : "It's a beautiful day"
"It's not the way you smile that tears me apart"
"What can I do"
"I don't care what they say about you... Cheep... tra la-la la-la
they say you've never ever been true"
17/10/2003 : "I'm sendin' out an SOS"
20/10/2003 : "Pick up the phone"
22/10/2003 : "Happy end of the day. Yes I'm certain that it happens all the ti-i-iime"
24/10/2003 : "Talking 'bout my girl. (Spoken) I got sunshine on a cloudy day"
"I know you'll say"
"In the month of may"
"I've got so much love... hea hea hea hea hea"
31/10/2003 : "It's another lonely daaay"
"I don't care what you say about tomorrow"
03/11/2003 : "Lean on me when I'm not strong, de la la la"
05/11/2003 : "My darkest hour, baby I want you"
"I just can't live without it"
"You're the guiding light and suh-duh-duh my darkest hour"
"I just can't-ah live without... You love-uh and affection"
07/11/2003 : "de-de-da-da-da-da Move ooooooon up"
14/11/2003 : "Back in the USSR, I know how lucky we are"
17/11/2003 : "It's very superstitious, the writing's on the wall"
18/11/2003 : "At the end of the line"
26/11/2003 : "Who's gonna take you home"
27/11/2003 : "I win again"
"'Cos I need you the whole time, yeah!"
28/11/2003 : "Welcome to my world"
02/12/2003 : "I'm gonna make believe it came from you"
"I'm gonna sit right down"
"If a picture paints a thouuuuu-sand words"
"Then why can't I paint you"
"I remember yoooooou"
04/12/2003 : "And the laugh's on you"
"Saga 106.6 fm"
05/12/2003 : "I should have to-ooold you myself"
(Spoken)"Don't you know? That I heard it through the grapevine"
"It takes me by surpriiiiise what you say"
"I took you by surprise"
"Just about to loooose my mind, honey honey"
08/12/2003 : "Time on my hands do do do do do-do"
12/12/2003 : "I'll give it to you one more time"
16/12/2003 : "Lookin' swell"
17/12/2003 : "This gun's for hire, do-do do do do do"
"This is mah song"
"I wonder ... ... I wonder ... ... I wonder"
23/12/2003 : "I'm crazy right now"
24/12/2003 : "I remember all my liiiiife, dal-al-al-al daaaaa daaaa daaaaaa"
"I remember, how you doing Alan?"
"Oh Mandy you came and you-"
05/01/2004 : "I can tell you're gonna cry, is it over me"
"By the look in your eyes, I can tell you're gonna cry"
"Cos I'm the kind of guy who's always on the roo-aaaa-oooo-ddd"
"Wherever I lay my HAT"
06/01/2004 : "RIGHT! Baaaa-aaaayyy-beee!"
09/01/2004 : "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, it's been three long years"
12/01/2004 : "In New Yooooork City... Yap"
13/01/2004 : "You took me my surpiiiisee I might say, when I found out"
(spoken)"I bet you're wondering how I knew"
16/01/2004 : "When I've got that feeling"
"There'll be no while flag upon"
"There will be no while flag upon this ship"
"Tell me tell me lies"
"Tell me tell me lies tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies"
19/01/2004 : "I bet you wondered how I knew"
21/01/2004 : "I'm talkin' 'bout my baby"
"I'm not talkin' 'bout my baby"
22/01/2004 : "Gotta get a WITNESS! Especially you girl"
26/01/2004 : "I'm TOO busy thinkin' 'bout my baby"
29/01/2004 : "Aye poy poy riiiaaagh for a while"
"Do you believe in this rock and roll"
"I was a lonely teenage bronkin' buck with pink carnation and a pick-up truck"
"Do you believe in god above"
"The good old boys are drinking whisky and rye"
30/01/2004 : "The day the music died"
02/02/2004 : "Love hurts"
"When I saw you"
"Cry-ay-ay-ay-ing over you"
"It was alright... For a while"
03/02/2004 : "The day the music died"
"Why why miss american"
04/02/2004 : "Love hurts, love dies"
"And even so it takes a..."
05/02/2004 : "It's a hard day"
06/02/2004 : "You're unbelievable!"
10/02/2004 : "Out of my head"
"Here comes the sun I say"
11/02/2004 : "LATIN!"
12/02/2004 : "I'm coming out of the kitchen, rawwr grrr ggrrr rawwr urrr rawwr"
"No I need a place
20/02/2004 : "You gotta take my breath away"
24/02/2004 : "About your plans to make me blue"
"I'll bet you wondered how I knew... Nop shnop nop"
25/02/2004 : "Give me just a little more time and our love will surely grow"
26/02/2004 : "On broadway!"
"The neon lights... On broadway"
He's clapping really loudly whilst singing "On Broaaaaadway!"
"In the air on broadway... aaaaaooooohhhh BUGGER!"
27/02/2004 : "There's a girl I know lala lala dadada"
03/03/2004 : "Holding back the years"
"Sooner or later"
"The revoluuuution's here"
05/03/2004 : "A kiss... Is still a kiss"
08/03/2004 : "This old heart a' mine"
"A hundred times I'll take it out"
"A hundred times I'll take you back"
10/03/2004 : "Diamonds are a girl's best friend"
12/03/2004 : "Loving you is easy 'cos it's beautiful"
15/03/2004 : "Loving you... is easy"
16/03/2004 : "I'm gonna wait 'til the midnight hour"
19/03/2004 : "Bet you're wondering how I knew, about your plans to make me blue"
26/03/2004 : "Here I am stuck in the middle with you"
"I don't know where it is at night"
"Cos it means that much to me, you took me by surprise I must say"
"I bet you wondered how I knew"
"I'm just about to loooose my mind"
"I bet you wondering how I knew 'bout your plans"
30/03/2004 : "Bringing on baaack the good times"
"I wanna spend some time"
"Want somebody who will spend some time"
31/03/2004 : "I'm gonna wait until the midnight hour"
"If a man could be places at one time I'd be with you, woah woah dooo"
07/04/2004 : "Do I love you? Yes I do"
"You took me by surprise I must say"
08/04/2004 : "Night and day... Think it's all over"
"Every night and day"
"I think we're alone now... Ah lehh le lehhh do la bah"
"There'll be night and day"
13/04/2004 : "I think we're alone now"
"Every night and day" CLAP CLAP
"Remind me baby of you"
"On the dancefloor " CLICK "Remind me baby of you"
15/04/2004 : "I took you by surprise I must say"
16/04/2004 : "I die each time... I hear this song... Here he comes"
"That's for sure"
"The only trouble is"
"I can make you mine I can..."
"The only trouble is, gee whiz, I'm dreaming my life away"
"Any time night and day, the only trouble is gee whiz"
"I can taste you lips of white, and (sic) time night and day"
19/04/2004 : "Anyone who ever hurt me"
"I'll never fall from the sky, right into your arms"
"I hope you comprehend"
20/04/2004 : "I'm so busy talkin bout my baby"
"Aint got time for something else"
21/04/2004 : "There's a girl I know"
28/04/2004 : "You took me by surprise"
29/04/2004 : "It don't impre-eh-es me"
"That don't impress me much"
"You don't impress me much"
"Talking 'bout my baby, hmmm mnnn mnnn hm hmm hm hm"
"Where the river...."
30/04/2004 : "The tracks of my tears"
"Be so nice to come home to"
06/05/2004 : "Going out for another drink"
"It's a whiter shade of paaale"
"You're simply the best, neh neh neh"
"Simply the best"
"Tell me that you're gonna love me baby, then you say you won't"
"You say you donnnnnnt"
"I love you like a hurricane"
07/05/2004 : "There you were"
"Too busy thinkin' bout my bay-beh-heh"
"Too busy thinkin' about my baby"
"Where the river ends"
11/05/2004 : "Foo once in my life"
12/05/2004 : "I don't know why"
"Too busy thinking bout my baby, I ain't got time for uuuuooooppp"
13/05/2004 : "Ah de doh da, because I'm jive talking"
14/05/2004 : "R.E.S.P.E.C.T."
"R.E.S.P.T."
"Just a little bit"
17/05/2004 : "There'll be no wan"
"There'll be no white flag"
18/05/2004 : "Hello, is it me you're looking for"
"I can see it in your eyes, but I haven't got a clue"
19/05/2004 : "Where I right or wrong" CLAP
"I'll be down on my knees"
"If I were a tower of strength"
27/05/2004 : "I want to break free"
"Love is nature's way of giving UUUAAH reason"
"Love is a many splendoured thing"
"It's the april rose that only grows in the early spring"
28/05/2004 : "In the land of the"
"In the land of the"
"In the land of the" -- I don't think he knows the rest
"I really know"
"I really know" -- he's not doing well with lyrics today
03/06/2004 : "Won't you come home baby... Please come home... You pay the rent"
"And I'm gone pay the rent"
04/06/2004 : "Your candle burned out lo"
"Goodbye Norma Jean"
"Goodbye Norma Jean, we're on the 22nd floor"
"When love comes to town gonna"
07/06/2004 : "Sunshine on a rainy day... yeah"
09/06/2004 : "I need someone"
"I need someone to love. do dodo do do"
10/06/2004 : "It's just an-o manic monday"
"This gun's for hire... do do do do do"
11/06/2004 : "Baby I shouldn't love you"
14/06/2004 : "Two of us guys you know I love you more.... Huhum"
"Took me by surprise.... I must say"
"I bet you're wondering how I knew"
15/06/2004 : "I love you and I love you more"
16/06/2004 : "You took me by surprise I must say"
"I bet you wondered how I knew"
21/06/2004 : "The wedding bell"
23/06/2004 : "It's twelve o'clock in the morning"
24/06/2004 : "Here I am! Signed, sealed... delivered"
"My babe wrote me a letter"
"That's the way it is"
"That's the way it is.... (Spoken, in bad american accent) Bruce Hornsby!"
25/06/2004 : "You make me blue"
"Bet you wondered how I knew, about your plans to make me blue
with some other guy you know before"
"I welcome the selter of someone's arms"
28/06/2004 : "Lay lady lay, lay across my"
"Come come come into my life"

I know you might think it's sad of me to have written all this down, but it's the only way I can think of to stop myself PUNCHING HIM IN THE EFFING GOB.