this is the thread where you copy and paste whatever other posts on ilx made you laugh out loud

-- jess (dubplatestyl...), January 26th, 2003 2:29 PM.

One morning at around 5am, 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she got up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.

She wobbled to the toilet and, upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise known to mankind. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci, for the next few minutes, continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.

She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down
her leg was a stream of brown and green syrup.

The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg (which was bent across her other leg) to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina - at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger, wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucus. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.

The horrified medic turned to the toilet, as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to vomit, what he saw was so horrific that, to this day, he cannot look into a toilet bowl without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp, flipping and splashing at a furious pace.

Ms. DeLucci died from her ordeal. The post mortem revealed her death to be the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.

The investigation into her death revealed that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. The coroner believes that while lying in the bath tub, she inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. A lesbian porn video was found in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail
joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.

Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had excreted them when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe that, at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Overnight, the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp had begun to double in size every ten minutes.  

-- Nick (nickdastoo...), December 6th, 2001.

font color=red size=7>NICK!

-- Mitch Lastnamewithheld (mitchnet7...), December 6th, 2001.

Colour me embarrassed and disgusted. That should have read : NICK!

-- Mitch Lastnamewithheld (mitchnet7...), December 6th, 2001.

that's one of those urban myth e-mails that went round earlier in the year isn't it?

thanks for refreshing my memory Nick, I don't think!

-- chris (cbrown...), December 6th, 2001.

Nickolarse! That's not the sort of thing I want to be reading when I'm munching on my meat and potato pasty. Plus it's been heard many times before, and the aside about the lezzer porn vid is the most laughable embellishment EVAH.

-- Trevor (tricyclic_loope...), December 6th, 2001.

I'm very sorry. I wasn't sure how widely told it was. I tried remembering it the other day and no one knew what I was on about, but I was in Southampton.

-- Nick (nickdastoo...), December 6th, 2001.

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Also your body parts are not detachable, as his are
-- Vic (Iodine99...), February 10th, 2003 3:35 AM.

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), Today 5:43 AM.

-- Nate Patrin (natepatrin550...), February 9th, 2003 11:52 PM.

what does the street POV have to do with, for example, "rapper's delight," the beastie boys, LL, or de la soul?

-- gabbneb (gabbne...), Today 12:37 AM.
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de la soul raps about potholes, can't get much more street pov than that

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), Today 12:40 AM.

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One time, when I was in high school, this guy got up on the stage at the Christmas assembly wearing jeans and a santa hat - with his guitar and a bow - and made lots of noise for about five minutes. At the end came the most confused round of applause I've ever heard - everyone was looking around at everyone else to see what they should be doing. Just sayin'.
-- Kim (grimstitc...), November 10th, 2002.

-- ethan (ethan...), February 18th, 2002.

-- nabisco (--...) (webmail), Today 8:05 AM. (later) (nabisco) (link)

-- Alan Trewartha, April 18th, 2002.

Oh my god this had me in tears here at work.

-- DV (dirtyvica...), Yesterday 11:07 PM.

-- Ally (mlescau...), February 11th, 2003. (later)

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also nice curtains etc
-- mark s (mar...), February 11th, 2003. (later)

-- mark s

You should have heard the gufaws issuing forth from my work area.

Don't Look Back In Anger While I'm Fucking You In The Ass (mr swygart)
can't get you out of my ass (geeta)
Last Night a DJ Fucked Me in the Ass (jody)
Stop Me If You Think I've Fucked You in the Ass Before (mel w)
I Am Trying To Fuck You in the Ass (doug)

-- Amateurist (amateurist@h) (webmail), February 10th, 2003 8:13 PM. (amateurist) (link)
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-- felicity (felicityredwell@) (webmail), February 10th, 2003 8:16 PM. (felicity) (link)
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-- felicity (felicityredwell@) (webmail), February 10th, 2003 8:16 PM. (felicity) (link)

-- Aimless (aimles...), February 10th, 2003.

I laughed out loud cause I found this so insulting both to gay people and serious geneticists.

Becky Lucas

-- Millar (tmilla...), February 11th, 2003

And they keep getting faster.

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...), February 11th, 2003 9:44 PM.

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And they are easily replaced by machines.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), February 11th, 2003 11:04 PM.

I think it's silly to play favorites when there are so many lovely dogs.

-- Paul Eater (list...) (webmail), Today 10:10 AM. (later) (eater) (link)

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I wonder if it was my old roommate Steve from Goulds, boy did he slobber.
-- Horace Mann (handsomishbo...), February 11th, 2003. (later)

So, I'm the only person on here that really likes the Dave Matthews Band, then?
-- Evan, February 11th, 2003. (later)

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No no no.. We all love him.
-- dave225, February 11th, 2003. (later)

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right. this is all constructive criticism here, we just want him to be EVEN BETTER. or better yet, something else.
-- Horace Mann, February 11th, 2003. (later)

"they're pretty much looking for what any critic might: tenderness, flavor, aroma etc. "
oops, I thought this was the "what do men want out of a relationship" thread!

-- Horace Mann

-- Mark C (boyincorduro...), Today 11:18 PM. (later)

That sounds like something from a gangster's handbook.
-- N

i wanted to be loved for being myself. now i dont give a shit.

-- donna (donnalorele...), Today 11:33 PM.