err 40 MORE days
― it takes a nation of will.i.ams to hold us back (San Te), Tuesday, 5 October 2010 22:28 (thirteen years ago) link
The standard advice is to say that waiting will make the first coupling that much better, but in my experience, the first time after a long time is nerve-racking and rushed. But the relationship is much more important than a little release. (However, you two may be ready much earlier than you think.)
― Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Tuesday, 5 October 2010 22:52 (thirteen years ago) link
http://www.tradebit.com/usr/djmixtapez/pub/9002/The-Drought-Is-Over-2.jpg
― "SEX" drought, 2 wisks (zorn_bond.mp3), Saturday, 23 October 2010 23:10 (thirteen years ago) link
Wayne needs to get out of jail ASAP or y'all are gonna run out of jpegs
― markers, Saturday, 23 October 2010 23:31 (thirteen years ago) link
rip wisks
― The Reverend, Monday, 25 October 2010 01:29 (thirteen years ago) link
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ this is some shit
― zorn_bond.mp3, Monday, 25 October 2010 08:19 (thirteen years ago) link
rip bongs
― creatively bankrupt ILXors whose display names are just '00s ephemera (crüt), Monday, 25 October 2010 08:22 (thirteen years ago) link
hoos did you get it on w/ juggalette
― homosexual II, Tuesday, 26 October 2010 21:31 (thirteen years ago) link
non
am ashamed
― zorn_bond.mp3, Tuesday, 26 October 2010 21:48 (thirteen years ago) link
Uh. Haven't even really lurked on ILTMI before but gah, where the hell else am I going to do this.
Been married for 8 years. Mr Veg is 11 years older than me, and right now, we probably haven't had sex for 3 years. I think. Might be less. Not because we hate each other or can't stand the sight of each other...I think....maybe just, because we're not *trying* to anymore? We still kiss and hug and hang out and hold hands and giggle and do stupid stuff...but he stays up way later than I do, I sleep like a log so I don't even wake up when he comes to bed...the times I ask him to come to bed he just doesn't want to.
also, I will say this up front....I have a really hard time asking for sex. The few times I have, the one time he said no rang in my ears forever and I get too embarrassed to say anything. So I'm like the girl at the dance waiting to be asked to dance and everyone thinks I'm just lonely and sad and avoid me bc I'm not syaing that I want to dance, you know?
I sound way more pathetic and sad than I should... and again, feel really weird even saying all of this anywhere...but I just had to let it out.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:16 (thirteen years ago) link
thats sad. maybe the problem is not that you don't ask him, but that he don't ask you..
― Zeno, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:20 (thirteen years ago) link
Or that we don't ask each other. The longer I leave it the more I know there's probably a really simple reason. I just wish I wasn't such a fraidy cat. I mean, I married the guy, what's the worst thing that could happen, you know? It's stupid.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:22 (thirteen years ago) link
And he and I are both pretty similar in that we both like our own solitary time...so it's like we've fallen into this routine that's more like we're besties sharing a house than a married couple.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:23 (thirteen years ago) link
I have a really hard time asking for sex. The few times I have, the one time he said no rang in my ears forever and I get too embarrassed to say anything.
But he assumedly has said yes more than once, right? And he is your husband, and you obviously love each other, so, you shouldn't worry about exclaiming, "Mr. Veg to the boudoir!" But, I know from experience that it can be really uncomfortable being the sexual solicitor when you're not in the habit of doing so - either because you're imagining rejection or you just feel like a dork or whatever. And the long-term relationship thing and the vastly different sleep schedules thing -- been there, oh yes.
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:24 (thirteen years ago) link
It sounds like a stalemate situation with so much time having passed that neither of you wants to ask the other anymore for fear of hearing "no". Do you ever take trips just to get away from your day to day environment? I mean, you don't even have to leave the area. Just go find a nice hotel and stay for the weekend. Don't put sex on the table...just frame it as a weekend to get away and indulge yourselves individually and together.
just my 2 cebts.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:25 (thirteen years ago) link
if it's something you miss, then it's something you should probably talk about. it needn't be an 'ask for sex' thing, but more 'this is something i enjoy and would like to share with u.' vegemites should be able to discuss things.
sorry. it's a tough situation.
― mookieproof, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:26 (thirteen years ago) link
And the long-term relationship thing and the vastly different sleep schedules thing -- been there, oh yes.
me too, and yeah sometimes you have to make a conscious effort not to let it *stop things* without either of you really even noticing
― Goths in Home & Away in my lifetime (darraghmac), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:26 (thirteen years ago) link
It's the routine that needs to be shaken up, and then, hopefully, other things will fall into place.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:26 (thirteen years ago) link
you both seem to be affraid to talk about it, so either get the courage or talk it together with a third, proffesional person.
lack of communication is the worse.
― Zeno, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:27 (thirteen years ago) link
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Thursday, November 18, 2010 4:23 PM (2 minutes ago)
but that's kinda what a lot of married couples are like!
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:27 (thirteen years ago) link
i'm in a similar situation but i'm on the other side. will need to contribute to this later when i have more time to go into it properly
― xanaxdu (electricsound), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:27 (thirteen years ago) link
ok since this is ILTMI - maybe the sex-before-sleep thing just isn't feasible - though it tends to be the most convenient, and long term relationships seem to end up being more about what's convenient as time goes on. Johnny's suggestion of a motel stay is good. But that's kinda a one time thing. When are other occasions/what are other circumstances when getting it on is feasible and desirable?
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:30 (thirteen years ago) link
Sarahel, yeah...I don't really feel like there's a problem in the marriage in general. There's still no-one I'd rather see at the end of the day, and he still can make me laugh til I cry about the silliest things.
I think yeah, I just need to suck it up and be okay just talking about what I want. Without fearing that I'm being 'forward' or 'asking' for something.
And Johnny I think you're right about shaking up the routine.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:30 (thirteen years ago) link
Oh, as for not-before-bed or the hotel thing...that actually is sort of feasible because we do go to SF occasionally to see concerts or friends or things, and stay in hotels every now and then...I think that's a great suggestion about using that as the golden opportunity.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:31 (thirteen years ago) link
like - do you guys watch TV/movies together? Cuddle together on the couch? That can easily lead to clothing removal and the boneyard
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:32 (thirteen years ago) link
lol boneyard
Yeah, watching TV and cuddling on the couch is def a thing we do a lot of. It really is lame that I find myself in this position.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:33 (thirteen years ago) link
well, presumably you know what positions would lead to ... well, you know.
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:34 (thirteen years ago) link
to the boneyard!
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:34 (thirteen years ago) link
ime changing the before-bed routine idea helps a lot with this.
boneyard o u guys
― Goths in Home & Away in my lifetime (darraghmac), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:35 (thirteen years ago) link
sleep schedules (and by extension friskiness schedules) being out of sync = perfect recipe for sex drought
― xanaxdu (electricsound), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:35 (thirteen years ago) link
blame ian for "boneyard"
i mean, you can always just do the old, hand on knee, move up to thigh, move over to genital region ...
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:37 (thirteen years ago) link
diagrams plz
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:37 (thirteen years ago) link
basically - grasp shaft of penis, stroke, nod emphatically and smile
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:38 (thirteen years ago) link
i can't help it, any time i'm watching a movie and my girl pulls that move i slap them, gather my shawl around my shoulders, and storm out of the room. i mean really, what happened to treating a guy like a gentleman
― Goths in Home & Away in my lifetime (darraghmac), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:39 (thirteen years ago) link
i dunno where 'them' came from in that routine tbh
― Goths in Home & Away in my lifetime (darraghmac), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:40 (thirteen years ago) link
Diagram noted. Your suggestions are also welcome too darragh, for a gentlemanly gentleman
I have a small suspicion that part of the drought also has to do with Mr Veg's sex drive waning. But, as I'm seeing all too clearly now, the only way to know that for sure is to initiate sex hydration plan and visit the boneyard.
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:40 (thirteen years ago) link
there's always the technique of if he has his arm around your shoulder, take his hand and place firmly on boob
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:40 (thirteen years ago) link
xp
on a serious note, if that might be a concern then i don't advise all -out surprise ball-grabbing as a move.
― Goths in Home & Away in my lifetime (darraghmac), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:41 (thirteen years ago) link
'on a serious note' followed by that
― Goths in Home & Away in my lifetime (darraghmac), Friday, 19 November 2010 00:42 (thirteen years ago) link
the gist of my advice is, if you don't feel comfortable verbalizing your boneyard wishes, then perhaps try a physical demonstration -- initiate playful foreplay
― sarahel, Friday, 19 November 2010 00:44 (thirteen years ago) link
if he has his arm around your shoulder, take his hand and place firmly on boob
The perfect cue.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 19 November 2010 01:08 (thirteen years ago) link
IMO if you are watching TV together with your head on his lap, that is the perfect time to do a covert BJ operation. Oldest move in the book.
― Stop Non-Erotic Cabaret (Abbbottt), Friday, 19 November 2010 01:40 (thirteen years ago) link
does covert mean you do it so he doesn't notice?
― you really love meta jokes, this is a thing that you are into (crüt), Friday, 19 November 2010 01:50 (thirteen years ago) link
Yeah the only time that shit can be covert is if your guy is asleep and you wake him up that way. Otherwise, he's aware of what's going on down there at all times and in every situation.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 19 November 2010 01:59 (thirteen years ago) link
i reckon the answer is simply 'be naked more often'
― acoleuthic, Friday, 19 November 2010 02:02 (thirteen years ago) link
I just call all sex initiation "covert operations" and I didn't even realize that made no sense until now.
― Stop Non-Erotic Cabaret (Abbbottt), Friday, 19 November 2010 02:04 (thirteen years ago) link
I'm generally more of a talker than a covert-ops person, so while the boob-grab and thigh-stroke maneuvers are good ones, I'd go with a talk -- just not a talk that has to result in sex right then and there.
"Mr. Veg, I love you like nobody's business, but I'm not ready to spend the rest of my days celibate. Let's figure something out. I've got a case of hot pants."
― Unfrozen Caveman Board-Lawyer (WmC), Friday, 19 November 2010 02:06 (thirteen years ago) link
covert operations = prove as not erotic
― acoleuthic, Friday, 19 November 2010 02:07 (thirteen years ago) link
If Mr. Veg is cool, which I assume he is, using this line verbatim should work.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 19 November 2010 02:22 (thirteen years ago) link
(wonders if it would be weird to quote WmC when initiating Operation: Boneyard)
You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for the advice & lols, I feel a thousand times better about this now.
Hugs!!
― That is the stench of tyranny (VegemiteGrrrl), Friday, 19 November 2010 02:28 (thirteen years ago) link