Sex Droughts

'calvin klein reupholstered my pussy'

Posh spice 'ok' magazine headline

Just1n3, Christine, thanks for your thoughts. I agree, there must be ways he could help out viz. my frustrations and I have been pretty angry about it at times, cuz of the distancing effect of going without. He just doesn't want to. Alcohol is lowering his libido imo, but I'm trying not to underestimate the knock-on effects of pain either: lack of sleep, stress, depression (all feeding back into the drinking, in a really charming spiral). OTOH perhaps he just doesn't like sex / me all that much.

He'll be recuperated in a few months. If we're still speaking, perhaps I'll find out.

OTOH perhaps he just doesn't like me all that much

I think this, plus depression, may be the answer.

eeh, i don't know about that? serious illness, serious medication, serious and unfortunate self-medication, they all really play into making a person be not who they really are.

*nods*

did you exactly mean your previous response? because that is pretty wtf

No, I was agreeing with you.

It's not that wtf, tbh. Seems like a real possibility to me.

im back in the saddle.

Somehow we missed this! Congratulations matey.

big ups

wonder if there's a distinction between my desire for sex and my desire for intimacy? does confuse matters a bit.

insomnia can sure bring out the emo tmi in a fella.

tbh i often feel more bad about the lack of the latter than the lack of the former.

well that lasted about a week.

You two are back to no sex again?

I believe that is what he implied, yes, although we can ask him for details in depth.

ILpryingforTMI

thought he might have been braggin bout a mammoth session tbh

I didn't mean to pry.

^^^ haha.

yep back to no sex. sometimes i wonder if she is having an affair.

or im just being paranoid because im insecure. She was very much into sex before we had our kid...oh well. i can still crank one out.

not being into sex after having a kid is pretty normal I think? esp. b/c you know that having sex can mean another kid & now you really get what that would mean. just a theory but I have a bit of experience in the area...

yeah thats my guess...and like i mentioned above or on another thread she tells me she doesn't feel attractive right now or is just too exhausted from work, mothering...etc etc.

Seriously, I would marry someone just to get my back scratched once a day.

― Johnny Fever, Monday, September 20, 2010 6:58 PM

not all its cracked up to be.

actually it is, & you don't have to worry about it making another kid

the trick is to get her to realize that a bj doesn't have to lead to babymaking sex: not that it's a newsflash obv but I think the mighty bj can get judged to be foreplay rather than an end in itself & that's what you gotta combat: "it's just lunch" basically.

Who are you -- Bill Clinton?

the ovum office

You could make a 'no penetration' pledge with her and see if it makes a difference.

the longest i've gone since i was 16 was...five months. i dunno, when yr 22, that's a long time. or at least it seemed like it to me at the time.

anyway, good luck, friends.

the longest i've gone since i was 16 was...five months.

braggin

posting for an ILXOR who emailed to say – anonymously - that:

"I'm in an otherwise happy long-term relationship where I have no say whatsoever in my sex life. My girlfriend is sexually avoidant and doesn't realize it, and masturbates with normal frequency (say once a week using a vibrator she often LEAVES OUT ON MY BUREAU WHEN SHE'S DONE) but turns me down flat whenever I make a move. We probably get around to sex once a month, and it's always when she wants it but won't initiate, so I pretty much have to guess when she's in the mood and risk getting shot down (most of the time) or maybe having sex that is largely for her benefit. She uses everything as an excuse to avoid sex, such as mood, temperature, an itchy knee, tiredness, stomachache, house-guests, problems at work, a dirty bedroom, her period (which has come to represent a whole 10 days of NOSEX). It's an otherwise wonderful relationship that's been going for years, but I'm beginning to wonder how much more of it I can take – especially because she gets super upset with me when I try to talk about it and says "I'm doing the best I can" or mumbles that she'll be more reliable, but then refuses to change anything."

I hate hearing about relationships like that, otherwise happy or not, and generally think they should be ended or at least opened up so the deprived partner can get what they want. Maybe I've listened to too many Savage Love podcasts.

Yeah Dan's #1 advice in situations like that is always "cheat cheat cheat." I was brought up too conservative to follow that advice, I think.

I don't think it's quite "cheat cheat cheat," it's more like "confront confront confront partner, and demand greater sexual satisfaction either inside or outside the partnership." Which I agree with in general, though risking blowing up an LTR is a lot easier said than done.

RIght, but the guy has never been averse to suggesting a guy or gal just sneak around after all that, rather than demanding a formal open relationship.

really? not at all the impression i've gotten. i think the usual sequence involves being up front about it and then if that doesn't work, dumping their ass

His disapproval of, or maybe disdain for, lifelong monogamy has been an interesting work in progress.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=408931

And for the record: I've never "implied" that married people unjustly deprived of sex have a right to seek it elsewhere. I've hammered away at that point, year after lonely year.

welp

yeah but he makes a big deal about how you should seek it but also be honest about it - let the depriving partner figure out if they are gonna hang round or move out.

if you feel it's that important then it should be a relationship-ender imo. hard to say which party is trying to have the more cake and eat it in that situation

xp to remy's ilxor friend:

drag her ass into some kind of counselling. there are obviously some issues there but they're never getting discussed unless the issue is forced, and they're certainly never getting resolved if they're not being discussed.

was the sex always like this? is it a recent-ish thing?

what about writing her a letter that lays this all out? start with the positive (e.g. i love you, you're the greatest in every way etc.), and then follow with how her sexual behaviour really hurts you and it's important that you figure it out together, and if she's not comfortable talking about it then maybe she could write you back or you could both see a counselor - give her some options for dealing with the situation, but make sure all the options are about DEALING, not avoiding.

^

my understanding of his advice has always been:

you're not getting enough sex
ask your partner if you can work it out
if they're totally unwilling to come to any compromise, let them know that you will get your needs filled elsewhere
they can be ok with that, or they can leave, or they can decide that hey maybe making your partner happy is something they want to do after all

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i think a lot of ppl get really complacent and really selfish once they're in a LTR. they get almost too secure - they feel like they can do whatever and their partner won't leave, so they don't need to try so much anymore. i don't think it's always a conscious type of behaviour, but if you're the one feeling the negative effects of this, then you have to deal with it.

feel like it's almost crazily boring to say that communicating this stuff to your partner early is so vital

hell is other people

was the sex always like this? is it a recent-ish thing?

I think this is key, for a start.

I met a 21-year old this week who's dating a guy in his late '20s - he's only interested in sex once a month and even then she's got to fight for it. I am incapable of understanding how this happens or how anyone puts up with it (particularly less than a year into the relationship, no kids or other strings involved.)

(She's ending it as soon as she can save up enough cash to live on her own.)

i think a lot of ppl get really complacent and really selfish once they're in a LTR. they get almost too secure

this is very much spot on. For some people it can be *tremendously* easy to become complacent, comfy etc and not so desperately *need* sex all the time. Not everyone's highly sexed.

And for a woman who's had a child, this is even more the case: for many women, exhaustion and loss of body confidence are a major double-whammy that says "sex just ain't happening, sorry". A lot of guys dont seem to understand how hard it can be to switch on sometimes regardless of how hot you are for a person.