Sex Droughts

yeah but he makes a big deal about how you should seek it but also be honest about it - let the depriving partner figure out if they are gonna hang round or move out.

if you feel it's that important then it should be a relationship-ender imo. hard to say which party is trying to have the more cake and eat it in that situation

xp to remy's ilxor friend:

drag her ass into some kind of counselling. there are obviously some issues there but they're never getting discussed unless the issue is forced, and they're certainly never getting resolved if they're not being discussed.

was the sex always like this? is it a recent-ish thing?

what about writing her a letter that lays this all out? start with the positive (e.g. i love you, you're the greatest in every way etc.), and then follow with how her sexual behaviour really hurts you and it's important that you figure it out together, and if she's not comfortable talking about it then maybe she could write you back or you could both see a counselor - give her some options for dealing with the situation, but make sure all the options are about DEALING, not avoiding.

^

my understanding of his advice has always been:

you're not getting enough sex
ask your partner if you can work it out
if they're totally unwilling to come to any compromise, let them know that you will get your needs filled elsewhere
they can be ok with that, or they can leave, or they can decide that hey maybe making your partner happy is something they want to do after all

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i think a lot of ppl get really complacent and really selfish once they're in a LTR. they get almost too secure - they feel like they can do whatever and their partner won't leave, so they don't need to try so much anymore. i don't think it's always a conscious type of behaviour, but if you're the one feeling the negative effects of this, then you have to deal with it.

feel like it's almost crazily boring to say that communicating this stuff to your partner early is so vital

hell is other people

was the sex always like this? is it a recent-ish thing?

I think this is key, for a start.

I met a 21-year old this week who's dating a guy in his late '20s - he's only interested in sex once a month and even then she's got to fight for it. I am incapable of understanding how this happens or how anyone puts up with it (particularly less than a year into the relationship, no kids or other strings involved.)

(She's ending it as soon as she can save up enough cash to live on her own.)

i think a lot of ppl get really complacent and really selfish once they're in a LTR. they get almost too secure

this is very much spot on. For some people it can be *tremendously* easy to become complacent, comfy etc and not so desperately *need* sex all the time. Not everyone's highly sexed.

And for a woman who's had a child, this is even more the case: for many women, exhaustion and loss of body confidence are a major double-whammy that says "sex just ain't happening, sorry". A lot of guys dont seem to understand how hard it can be to switch on sometimes regardless of how hot you are for a person.

well to be pedantic, if yr "hot" for a person, then yr probably ready to bone down. if otoh you just really really care about them, but aren't, you know, horny, it could be hard to switch on even if you want to

I met a 21-year old this week who's dating a guy in his late '20s - he's only interested in sex once a month and even then she's got to fight for it.

shocking behavior, imo. but i'm mostly saying that as a guy in his late 20s who's in a drought. it's like finding out about ppl throwing away perfectly good stuff just cuz they don't like the look of it or something, ffs there are children starving in ethiopia, etc

milo are u gonna hit that or

feel like there is an implied "...can i?" floating

my experience as a young guy in a p long term relationship is that you lose the relentless, ever-present horniness of mundane moments doing things alone, but it is replaced by a more desperate & persistent strain whenever you're w/ your girl

Probably will never see her again, much less hit it. She was a friend of a friend and a little tipsy, venting TMI over pool.

at the one year mark now, kinda. ie, started but didn't finish a few weeks ago. THAT IS THE WORST. no details. none. BACK OFF.

details?

(j/k)

hehe.

Oh, dear. I hope things get better for you.

I had planned to find myself in a situation this week, but I got sick and didn't make the trip to Atlanta. Now I have no idea when I'll have sex again. It's only been since February, though.

I need to shoot for someone older who wouldn't mind settling for a snog with me.

yeah, if the sexual situation isn't changing after a conversation or some time in couples therapy, then i say it's time to dump the individual.

also, what guy in his older 20's doesn't want sex, like, all the time? i'm 26 and i start getting sad if i go more than two weeks. (that said, i'm also a huge fag and with a huge sex drive, so...)

when you go without it for a while yr desire goes down in my experience. but those first few weeks/months can be brutal.

reconnect with ex fizzled due to circumstances, now I'm at a coffee shop glaring bitterly at all the happy ppl and ogling the waitress I'm sure is a lesbian

crut otm

I'm tired of masturbating

take up another hobby?

i'm sitting next to a cute girl on this train and instead of being smooth and starting up a friendly conversation to pass time or what not, all I'm doing is sitting here typing and thinking to myself "geez I hope I don't fart"

train=plane

glaring bitterly at all the happy ppl and ogling the waitress I'm sure is a lesbian

Gotta watch out for this, I remember during a particularly bad one I glared at a happy couple of lesbians and realized after the fact that I did not appear to be a bitter singleton but instead a bitter homophobe.

uh dude in this case i am friends-of-friends with this particular beautiful waitress and word is that she's a lesbian. plus the couples i was scowling at (only mentally) were all straight as far as i could tell

How many people like it when a stranger starts talking to them on public transportation? I hate it with a passion.

i'm sitting next to a cute girl on this train and instead of being smooth and starting up a friendly conversation to pass time or what not, all I'm doing is sitting here typing and thinking to myself "geez I hope I don't fart"

This is a p good summary of my inner dialogue all the time, tbh.

My Christmas trip home was so incredibly loaded with emotion.
I can't believe I ran into a fleeting high school-era crush (who couldn't believe I remembered her).
Crazy chemistry! Sex drought over!
Never had a one night stand before. I'm that guy.
This worked out perfectly, though.

^login name OTM

awesome

wow, my hero!

I think I'm at the 3.5 year mark so I need advice. I am finally going to admit that I might be purposely avoiding relationships. I have been known to only make an effort when I'm drunk. And when I look at online dating profiles I cut off any girl that isn't higher than a 6 (maybe 7) on the looks and personality scale. I rather have a relationship than an one night stand. There was one girl that I dated in college and had even felt like I might be in love with her but I stopped dating her and I don't completely know why. I wouldn't want to procreate with her for one.

Someone upthread mentioned that they felt like they shouldn't be in a relationship until they get their life together. Then someone else mentioned that if everyone did this than 99% of people wouldn't be in relationships. Someone else mentioned that they don't actively seek women because their personality doesn't have them being an active seeker.

I am sort of in the same boat as both these people. I've been hoping to get a job before I actively seek a girlfriend. But it's been 2.5 years since I graduated and I still don't have a job. I don't necessarily have to have my life together to have a girlfriend but I want a job at least.

I don't really want a one night stand. I live with my parents - an one night stand isn't really an option. I don't mind starting a relationship even if I live at my parent's house.

I don't need sex in the slightest. I guess I am one of those people that is an anomaly because lack of sex doesn't make me go insane. But the sudden onset of sex threads all over ILX is sort of making me reevaluate my life and consider not being in a relationship to be a problem. And I guess I would like to be having sex right now.

I don't know what to do any more. It doesn't help that I put lots of weight and am a bit insecure about my body.

you don't have to have your life completely together, but, seriously, get a job

i know

imo if you are feeling unconfident and shitty about a cluster of things, picking up in one area makes you feel not so bad about the others & maybe even improve them. Like I think I started getting fat when I was jobless just bcz I was bummed abt not having a job? Also I was home all day so I just ate a lot to fill time? I think getting my not very great, not very high paying job helped my confidence a lot. Also gave me fewer hours in the day to eat. What I am saying is: goole otm. Don't even worry about if it is a job that requires a college degree.

i don't know, i feel like wage slave jobs just make me more upset with my life. i work a few jobs part time, have lots of fun with friends, run a small label, and exercise regularly. i think that this sort of balance is really key to confidence...and tho i hate to admit it, exercising regularly is a MAJOR MAJOR confidence and general wellness booster.

I don't really believe confidence is my problem

It doesn't help that I put lots of weight and am a bit insecure about my body.

your body is AWESOME no matter what imho, but this sentence betrays a lack of confidence. that's all.

love thyself, and thy body.

part of the reason that there was a notable gap in my dating resume before me resuming the ranks of the normal two years ago was because I was convinced I was ugly. even wore a thick beard and mustache as a subconscious means of hiding my face (no matter how much I hate facial hair). and that kept me from pursuing anything.

took me to accepting myself for what I was to change that...was amazed to find out other people didn't have the opinion of me physically that I feared they did all along.

tbh not dating someone would bother me sooner than not having sex, but i may be an anomaly there