Next on the agenda: I expect they'll be having dirty anal sex on my white couch.

So Remy... looks like I'll be needing a new roommate soon. I think you're my man. I'm totally inconsiderate and have a bunch of really annoying habits that you'll totally love. Whaddya say?

Gaha!

G14n showed up an hour ago. He walks in the door (not knocking) and right into my room. He places two $20s on the desk and says "This is so you don't bitch. Me and my girl are here for two days." And he walks out. I move into the living room, and there's a HOT HOT HOT girl. She's HOT. And she's in my living room. She's vapid, too, but she's dressed revealingly.

throw money in face

Jesus! Give the fucker back his twenties and kick him the fuck out! Don't take that shit! Tell him to take his escort and find a fuck pad somewhere else!

Your life is about to get incredibly stupid if you don't start a confrontation right this minute.

The guy was doing that to impress his ho in your own place. If you don't tear those twenties up and sprinkle them on his bloody gob (after you've smacked him), well I don't know what to say.

Man, you go right out there and sit across from that girl and start masturbating this fucking instant. It's your crib, you can do what you want. Two things will happen, both of them good: a) they'll both leave, b) he'll leave, she'll stay.

seriously, fucking hell, gah, enough already.

I told them that these were the following conditions to their staying, or to get the fuck out immediately:

$10.00/night/person paid in cash, in advance to me. Three nights max.

Nobody sleeps in the lounge.

If you use any X of mine in the fridge, you buy me a whole new brand-new X. Even if X is like a tablespoon of milk in coffee, you buy me a new gallon of unpasturized organic grade A milk.

I will not clean up after you [J4y, or J4y's friends]. But I will hire a maid to clean up after you [J4y or J4y's friends] and I will pay her with your [J4y] credit cards, savvy? Also, give me the credit cards in advance. [DONE!]

For every (x) hour after 12:00 you keep me awake by being loud, I will wake you (x) hours before 8:00 by being loud and watching TV at top volume in the lounge.

Finally: you will all sleep in J4y's room. All three of you. On the one twin-mattress on the floor. '(They were like "uhh.... okay...")

And agreed to all of the conditions. They were all drunk at the time, but none of them were the sort of pass-out drunk where I consider common-decency contracts null and void. So I decided to say: you must also spend the entire day out of the house tomorrow, and promise never to come back after this trip. I'm sick of your living in my house.

The room goes silent. G14n goes 'I thought you were joking' and I said 'fuck no.' and they all got up and left, like "We'll sleep on Meg's floor. She's way cooler. J4y, you come over there too. Dude, what a dick you are, Rems, man!" So I'm alone again, but I've got J4y's credit card.

And that should be that.

I hate that I'm a doormat, but when I try to stand-up for myself I either come off as whiny & insincere or totally dick-headed and arbitrary. See, I think if you spend your life taking more shit than you give, people are always surprised when you respond appropriately and feel you're being nasty/mean. The idea, as far as I've figured it, is to be constantly open about one's misanthropy, and never be in a situation where one has to defend shit.

Yeah Rems, you're a dick. Congratulations. Here you go.
http://www.phantomranch.net/images/beads/namebadge_dick_03_small.jpg
"Semper dick-headed et arbitrary"

I'm seriously considering buying some shit on itunes w. J4y's credit card.

iTunes? oh jeez are you going to light him up for $1.98??? Doesn't he owe you $2K? J&R Music & Computer world, son.

Hey, I do need a new monitor...

Uhh Jer, despite everyone's hasslin' on you here, I know where you're coming from. Some of us dont find it easy to do a beatdown, especially on supposed friends. Yeah sure maybe we're doormats but it isnt easy. I hate having to lay down smacketh then feel like I'M the bitch the rest of the day.

Conversely some people seem to think everyone is a generous hippie..."yeah man, come and crash, here eat everything. Yo, bongwater spill, nah its ok, I'll clean it". ARGH.

I lost a v good friend in a situ very like this. I dealt with it badly but at the time I didnt know how else to handle it. He left owing me money and its taken some years for us to now be civil again. Meh. People are poo.

So what did you do, Remy, buy all the Criteirion DVDs ever? That'll set you back a few thousand -- or rather, set him back.

Ooh... she was up this morning, walking around the kitchen in just her (skimpy lime-green) undies. Hungover. I only met her last night, but she was well-familiar with me and hung on my arm when I offered her coffee.

Otherwise... I'm just keeping J4y's credit card for an opportune moment, since he has no idea where it is and is too inept to report it stolen.

Maybe you should share the credit card # with ILE. Since we've all been so supportive and given you such great advice.

I don't know that I would advocate doing anything that would get you arrested (like, say, credit card fraud) but you could totally call the credit card company and say you have Random Person's card, give them the info off of it and get it cancelled.

Also, it is imperative that you hit it with hot girl. On the couch.

Share her with us too.

For real Jer, even with all this crazy shit going on, still no one has had dirty anal sex on your white couch yet.

i can't see how one can have "clean" anal sex.. i mean. you're stabbing at poo

You've never heard of using a milk enema during foreplay?

When I am curled up in the foetal position tonight and gibbering to myself, my ask will ask me "What's wrong with you?" and all I'll be able to say is "YOU'RE STABBING AT POO".

Don't you mean your wife will wife you?

YOU'RE STABBING AT POO

I just lobbed a kitchen bag full of water at a couple having sex in the backseat of a car behind my building. Sadly the digital camera is broken or we would have taken pictures as it happened.
No word on if it was anal sex.

what's wrong with sex?

yeah man.. it's not as if he did it at the backseat of YOUR car.

It wasn't his parking spot.

I haven't read this thread since it reappeared (until now) and I am convulsing with giggles at the "stabbing at poo" thing. I am giggling just typing it, and it's not even really *that* funny, but there is something about the phrase "stabbing at poo" that is really really getting to me right now.

HATER (xpost)

Don't fuck 10 feet away from me while my patio window is open.

I'm going to.

You won't, but that's alright.

Start filling that bag, bro.

But that's what he was doing to get us to this point in the first place.

You should have applauded and held up a sign saying 7.0