this is the thread where you copy and paste whatever other posts on ilx made you laugh out loud

92' "Today I had bubbles tea bag my miniscule testicles.'

-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), February 12th, 2003. (later)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 21:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

Can you imagine J. Lo Hewitt saying "How does mommy's little piggy eat?" a la Christmas Story, while [John] Mayer oinks. Yeah, you just went to a scary place.
-- Carey (flembac...), February 12th, 2003.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:25 (twenty-one years ago) link

Carey is SO FUCKING HILARIOUS!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:27 (twenty-one years ago) link

What goes wrong when trying to make friends... (61 new answers, 247 total)
what was the first thing you put in your mouth this morning? (40 new answers)

-- donut bitch (do...)

― Oops (Oops), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

Carey does bring it. It is good. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

NED: [banging against large window] TOM! TOM! TOM! TOM!
[Quick panning shots showing outraged, angry guests furiously mouthing denunciations and insults, ending on a close-up of TOM]
TOM: [tears streaming down face] NED!
[cue "Sounds of Silence" as covered by Sheryl Crow and David Gahan]

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 12th, 2003. (later)

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 13 February 2003 00:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

Re: "Your Body Is A Wonderland"

I like the idea that it could be about vaginal fisting (use your hands, indeed) , but it probably isn't. I hate everything else about it.

-- edward o (edward...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 13 February 2003 01:19 (twenty-one years ago) link

<BLOCKQUOTE><A NAME="3304155"></A>
<!--> < <A> <ABBREV> <ACRONYM> <ADDRESS> <APPLET> <AREA> <AU> <AUTHOR> <BANNER> <BASE> <BASEFONT> <BGSOUND> <BIG> <BLINK> <BLOCKQUOTE> <BQ> <BODY> <CAPTION> <CENTER> <CITE> <CODE> <COL> <COLGROUP> <CREDIT> <DEL> <DFN> <DIR> <DIV> <DL> <DT> <DD> <EMBED> <FIG> <FN> <FORM> <FRAME> <FRAMESET> <H1> <H2> <H3> <H4> <H5> <H6> <HEAD> <HR> <HTML> <IFRAME> <IMG> <INPUT> <INS> <ISINDEX> <KBD> <LANG> <LH> <LI> <LINK> <LISTING> <MAP> <MARQUEE> <MATH> <MENU> <META> <MULTICOL> <NOFRAMES> <NOTE> <OL> <OVERLAY> <PARAM> <PERSON> <PLAINTEXT> <PRE> <Q> <RANGE> <SAMP> <SCRIPT> <SELECT> <SPACER> <SPOT> <STRIKE> <TAB> <TABLE> <TBODY> <TD> <TEXTAREA> <TEXTFLOW> <TFOOT> <TH> <THEAD> <TITLE> <TR> <TT> <UL> <VAR> <XMP> I will not submit so easily.</TITLE></A>
-- Amateurist (<A HREF="webmail.php?msgid=3304155">amateuris...</A>), February 13th, 2003.</BLOCKQUOTE>

― gygax!, Thursday, 13 February 2003 03:21 (twenty-one years ago) link

your insistence on rules would make a blackshirt cream his jodhpurs"

-- g.cannon

― anthony easton (anthony), Thursday, 13 February 2003 15:02 (twenty-one years ago) link

Don't girls dislike condoms as much as chaps do? I hate 'em. I have never, ever found a brand that doesn't have some icky lubricant that makes me feel *funny* afterwards.
Isn't there some other way?

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

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femidoms. remember them?
-- DV (dirtyvica...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

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And the lubricant issue is solved *how*?
-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

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you just have to work at it.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

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Working at it involves more squeaking than I am willing to deal with.
-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

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obvious solution: WD-40.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

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THINK OF THE SHEETS.
-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 13 February 2003 15:07 (twenty-one years ago) link

Belgium has been promised the Congo back, and access to the waffle mines etc.

-- lawrence kansas (lawrence_kansa...), February 13th, 2003.

― No One (SiggyBaby), Thursday, 13 February 2003 15:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

[I've just gone through this thread seeing if any of my posts are officially funny]

― DV (dirtyvicar), Thursday, 13 February 2003 15:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

Our family is big on backrubs in general -- always good for tension release!
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), February 12th, 2003. (Ned)

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Since I have no idea what the other Raggetts look like, I am forced to imagine a half-dozen Neds sitting around the living room watching tv and giving each other back massages.

-- Chris Piuma (chri...), February 12th, 2003. (Chris Piuma)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 13 February 2003 15:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

I had a summer roommate whose girlfriend was a SCREAMER. Literally, when they had sex all you could hear was:
*THUMP* "IIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!"
*THUMP* "AAAAAAAAIIIIIEEE!"
*THUMP* "WAAAAAAAAAAAIIEE!"

We couldn't tell if they were fucking or if he was smacking her around with a phone book. We finally decided that he must have been climbing on top of the dresser next to the bed and taking flying leaps at her.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), Today 3:44 PM. (later) (Dan Perry)

― smee (smee), Thursday, 13 February 2003 15:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

You can only give a good back rub if you want to. I often get bored as massaging a semi-naked boyfriend's with oil has a tendency to make my mind wander... The temptation to rub oil on myself takes over and then slip, slip, slide!!

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 13th, 2003. (Lara)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

iYou can only give a good back rub if you want to. I often get bored as massaging a semi-naked boyfriend's with oil has a tendency to make my mind wander... The temptation to rub oil on myself takes over and then slip, slip, slide!!

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 13th, 2003. (Lara)

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http://www.yesterdayland.com/images/popopedia/shows/toys/ty1286.jpg

-- Sarah McLusky (x77tigersxu...), February 13th, 2003. (coco)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 13 February 2003 19:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

Ah I fucked it up.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 13 February 2003 19:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

(...)i've not been soaking up a wide enough range of angles in the coverage but it just seems like Chirac and Schroder are just being presented as just looking down at their feet and shaking their heads while Bush is hurling abuse at them with a megaphone, while Blair just nods quietly but vigorously.

-- stevem (bluesk...), February 13th, 2003.

― Wintermute (Wintermute), Thursday, 13 February 2003 23:07 (twenty-one years ago) link

"Fav Sport: NFL football (though the Jets weren't playing it till 1997)
- Tad"

― James Blount (James Blount), Friday, 14 February 2003 07:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

He's like a sex version of David Blaine, "I sense you were ... sad when this person died?" I want to see the thread where Ned is as opinionated about sex as he is about Rage Against the Machine.

-- nabisco (---...), February 13th, 2003. (later)

(P.S., Ned: I read this section of that thread to my bandmate... ;-)

― Chris P (Chris P), Friday, 14 February 2003 07:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

Smee, you beat me to the smacking-with-a-phonebook quote. I laughed until I got the hiccups on that one! Thanks Dan!

― Dan I., Friday, 14 February 2003 07:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

in canada we have a pretty good student loan program and emergency funding, dont give up aaron-there is always a back door.
-- anthony easton (anthonyeasto...), September 25th, 2002 12:33 AM.

― RJG (RJG), Friday, 14 February 2003 10:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

aw, that's not quite as funny as the 'there is always the back door.' which I read.

― RJG (RJG), Friday, 14 February 2003 10:34 (twenty-one years ago) link

Pinefox I am in a frenzy of creativity as you type.
-- Tom (ebro...), February 14th, 2003.

Wanking at Tatu does not count as creativity, Tom.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), February 14th, 2003.

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Friday, 14 February 2003 15:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

yesterday i was tutoring these kids in latin and one of them gave me a little scooby doo valentine. i was like "awww! here is my valentine to you, have a worksheet about conjugations!" i am a mean, mean person.

-- Maria (silyl_ari...), February 14th, 2003. (later)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 14 February 2003 15:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

true story: some late '80s Oscars and "Shakedown" is nominated. Segar didn't show so my dad asked me if I knew who was gonna perform in his place. I said I didn't know so my dad kept asking "who's the only person who could perfom in Bob Segar's place?" over and over with emphasis placed on different words even though I kept saying "I don't know" and then he finally said "wait and see". Anyhow, apparently Little Richard is the only person who can take Bob Segar's place.

-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), February 14th, 2003. (later)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 14 February 2003 16:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

You know what we got for Valentine's Dud at my work today?
We all got copies of the firm sexual harassment policy. I thought that was sweet.

-- felicity (felicityredwel...), February 14th, 2003. (later)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 14 February 2003 17:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

The only thing I have to say is that I think this is a great idea, Tom. Or perhaps even a friendly note to say that you've posted [x] messages in the past [x] minutes/hours, just to give people* a sense of perspective.
*people = me and some other folks

-- Amateurist (amateuris...) (webmail), Today 11:31 AM. (later) (amateurist) (link)

The idea of footnoting the explanation of "people" just caught me really funny :)

― Tep (ktepi), Friday, 14 February 2003 17:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

Dan posted what I was going to post (the LIttle Richard one)

― Ally (mlescaut), Friday, 14 February 2003 18:02 (twenty-one years ago) link

hey I don't think food/sex urges are all that different!

-- Andrew Thames (cleanbridge...), February 14th, 2003. (later) (Andrew Thames)
WARNING: DO NOT ALLOW ANDREW THAMES TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON YOU.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 14th, 2003. (later) (Dan Perry)

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Friday, 14 February 2003 19:32 (twenty-one years ago) link

Much as I would hate having to click in and out of picture threads like that, another advantage to Mel's plan is that it could help prevent people from getting centaur-booty pictures on their work computers and unwittingly scrolling down across them right as their bosses walk by.

-- nabisco (--...), February 15th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 14 February 2003 22:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

Momus is correct.

So is Graham. So is N.

Graham is very talented with computers.

Tom E: you know how you and I agree about doing Creative Things that are not posting to ilx? I have got a grebt idea for a Creative Thing that I would like you to do. It involves changing one large word on my recent Lloyd Cole article.

-- the pinefox (pinefo...), February 14th, 2003. (later) (link)
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― RickyT (RickyT), Saturday, 15 February 2003 02:23 (twenty-one years ago) link

you are most of all a couple of ignorants. lenny is an exellent musician and the lirycs are wonderfull. im surerly i have listen to them more time than all of you so if you pay attention h¡they are really amazing. so you dont know nothing about music so stop of saying stupids things about lenn.

-- jazmin cusse (jazchudios...), February 15th, 2003.

― , Saturday, 15 February 2003 05:49 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yeah, let love rule and stuff, man.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 15 February 2003 05:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

nickalicious, please don't take this the wrong way, but i think i heart you. XD

-- janni (jannyank...), February 15th, 2003 8:15 AM.

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How could I take that the wrong way? What, like as a suppository?
-- nickalicious (nza2342...), February 15th, 2003 8:52 AM.

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 15 February 2003 07:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

Avatar arrives late in thread, posts way-out opinion, turning thread into violent tennis match between himself and thread alpha male / punky runt.
Other posters (now 'audience') jeer, yet lurk in stalls, intrigued.

When Avatar scores a point against alpha male / runt, hisses erupt from stalls. 'Leave off, he's not feeling himself today!' Avatar realises he has fatally failed to check phatic / grooming threads before weighing in.

Avatar, switching metaphors dangerously now, calls star witnesses to court; Shakespeare, Picasso, Chomsky and Lenny Bruce. 'Audience' pronounces Shakespeare, Picasso, Chomsky and Bruce cunts.

Thread continues for 536 more posts, 385 of which are from Avatar.

Avatar leaves message board for six months / minutes, or however long it takes for shagging and making pop records to seem less interesting than spinning out threads.

-- Avatar (nic...), October 27th, 2002 4:30 PM. (link)

AND, Sorry Martin:

Admittedly, I quite like being insulted, admittedly. It keeps my interest intact. And is anyone else up for insulting? As Steve Gerber demonstrated in issues 113-121 of Daredevil, the dark veneer conceals a hideous underbelly. And is anyone else up for comparing me to Ross Kemp? Admittedly my features might be somewhat obscured today by the 543 Proper 4CD box sets which I bought at a rock bottom price in the HMV sale. I must alphabetise these and prioritise their listening order, with enough free time to enable me to reach the Glasshouse Stores by, oh I'd say, 5:47 pm.

-- Martyn Skidmark (marcellocarli...), October 28th, 2002 12:33 PM. (link)

― Cozen (Cozen), Saturday, 15 February 2003 18:51 (twenty-one years ago) link

Ah, Toots & The Maytals. Now you're talking, mate. But make sure you get the box set with the bonus disc of 28 rare original Kingston recordings.
Funnily enough, I was walking along Flood Lane last week, after a pretty decent pint of Young's Premium when it struck me - if only Steve Kember had slipped the ball to Alan Hudson in that 1972 League Cup Final against Stoke, instead of going for goal himself, then the result could have been quite different. Only blot on the 70s when you think about it. I tried to explain this to my neanderthal work colleagues over a stonking pint of Wethered's Bishop's Mitre, but the geezers just looked at me funny and went back to discussing strip bars and who's 'had' Jennie from Accounts. So I stuffed my copy of Spare Rib into the trusty ol' briefcase and made my excuses. The family weren't much more help. My eldest was more interested in the Blackburn-Tottenham game. God, I think I'd die if any of my kids became a Spurs supporter. But I knew the ILX massive would understand. Yeah, 'Monkey Man'. Totally fuckin' CLASSIC.

-- Jeff W (cworrel...), February 26th, 2002.

From the ILX Challenge thread.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Saturday, 15 February 2003 19:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

I often say that rap isn't real music. I mean, it's just talking and yelling. I hate it a lot. It makes no sense.
-- RSPMJLGH (beatle...), February 16th, 2003. (later)

You are so wise. No one here has anything to teach you. So I suggest that no one try.
-- Frank Kogan (edcasua...), February 16th, 2003. (later)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Sunday, 16 February 2003 13:30 (twenty-one years ago) link

WELCOME!

-- conner Smedley (conner66...), February 16th, 2003.

Answers

NOT IN MY NAME

-- stevem (bluesk...), February 16th, 2003.

― Wintermute (Wintermute), Sunday, 16 February 2003 21:01 (twenty-one years ago) link

Ned doesnt like Spaceballs?!
-- chaki (chak...), July 22nd, 2002.

― Anthony Miccio (Anthony Miccio), Monday, 17 February 2003 03:12 (twenty-one years ago) link

unreal music = making speeches over drum machines.
more forward thinking artists like toploader and jamiroquai have melded funk grooves to REAL songs, and racous guitar work.

-- andy paltridge (quirkmoos...), February 17th, 2003.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 17 February 2003 14:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

Hey, Doc: repost all your ilx parodies. They were frequently magnificent.

― the pinefox, Monday, 17 February 2003 14:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

Far too modest, PF.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Monday, 17 February 2003 16:04 (twenty-one years ago) link

Listen, I did not post this in order to post a straw-man. I was wishing more Americans would have responded, in order to explain maybe why they felt certain sentiments of the poster's comments were valid, or why a lot of ordinary Aericans seem to feel that the Europeans are being ungrateful for not supporting America in this war. I saw other posts that disturbed me, such as those written by people claiming that their grandfathers died in WWII fighting for the sake of France, and therefore cannot believe that now the Europeans (the French in particular) will not repay the favor. Do such voices not have a point, at all ? Why should they be discredited? Also, isn't membership in NATO contingent upon the fact that "an attack on one nation, is an attack on all," ? Using this reasoning, some say that France et al are backing out of their pledge, and forgetting that 9/11 was an attack on America and that we are trying to pre-empt another one.
I was not trying to inflame rhetoric either way, please believe me.

-- Vic (Iodine999@...), February 17th, 2003 3:58 PM. (later)

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Aargh, can someone just delete this thread please? Whoever the moderator is right now, please just delete it.
-- Vic (Iodine999@...), February 17th, 2003 4:00 PM. (later)

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Vic, are you drunk all the time?
-- Andrew Farrell (afarrell@...), February 17th, 2003 4:04 PM. (later)

― Eyeball Kicks (Eyeball Kicks), Monday, 17 February 2003 16:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

I wish I could have my empathy genes removed.

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), February 17th, 2003.

― Vic (Vic), Monday, 17 February 2003 16:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

you've probably met the person who the ad is directed to.

-- leigh (melodynelso...), February 17th, 2003. (later) (link)

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i'm intrigued now!

-- caitlin (wpsal...), February 17th, 2003. (later) (link)

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His first initial is K, he's in his mid 30s and has seen the fall lots of times

-- leigh (melodynelso...), February 17th, 2003. (later) (link)

[...]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kjohn Kpeel.

-- Pete (pb1...), February 17th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 February 2003 17:54 (twenty-one years ago) link

First world leisure time is due, in large part, through the wreckless exploitation of the poor. We can drive our cars because we can afford oil that has made many stinking rich except the masses that populate those countries where it comes from. We can harvest our agricultural products at consumer friendly prices through the exploitation of third world "immigrants" (aka wetbacks, mojados, illegals....) who are paid little, have no benefits but are still making more than their brothers and sisters back home. We can import the rest of our agricultural and meat products; minerals; and other industrial items because of the same military/industrial/social complex...If we had to this all by ourselves when would we have time to watch our MTV? We've got time on our hands because we've forced the labor onto other countries while we settled into a service oriented work climate.

-- Chowder Head (bakedbean7...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

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And you're complaining?

-- Curtis Stephens (sevenxvii...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 February 2003 20:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

What would you like graphs of?
-- Graham (dtc...), February 14th, 2003.

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Whatever anyone else wants. I don't understand any of them, just that they look nice.
-- felicity (felicityredwel...), February 14th, 2003.

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cool stuff
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), February 14th, 2003.

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This is a rubbish idea.
-- Pete (pb1...), February 14th, 2003.

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Graphs of number of times Pete has shot down ideas.
-- felicity (felicityredwel...), February 14th, 2003.

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here is my graph of my opinion of pete during that last post:
| \
|__

-- mark s (mar...), February 14th, 2003.

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― Andrew L (Andrew L), Monday, 17 February 2003 21:21 (twenty-one years ago) link

I love how my persona on ILX has become so one-sided. OK, here's the question:
TITFUCKING CLASSIC OR DUD?

-- Millar (tmilla...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

Answers
depends on the tits dunnit?
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

Jess raises an important point.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

Right so how big is too big, hmm?
-- Millar (tmilla...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

Jess raises an important point.

-- Cozen (fm/am/md/c...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

don't worry, cozen--it's not your point.
-- RJG (r_gillander...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

Zing?
-- Cozen (fm/am/md/c...), February 17th, 2003. (later)

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Monday, 17 February 2003 21:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

Martin, when the atheletes do speak out, they are accused of sexism (Reggie White for example). No one bothers to realize that some of them may be unconfortable with women in the locker room, of course not, the answer has to be sexism. This is why most do not speak out, they do not want to be falsely accused of anything.
-- Stephen Ancroid (Ancroi...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

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plus they wanna show Melissa Stark their wang
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

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I know I do!
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

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sorry
-- James Blount (littlejohnnyjewe...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 February 2003 21:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's odd that this is presented as some sort of issue for the athletes (have they complained at all?), but the equality issue that actually arose over this was among the reporters, when male reporters were being allowed in to the locker rooms (yes, male sports) and females weren't. My feeling is that the solution is to discontinue the whole practice. I don't see the benefit, as long as the athletes make themselves as available as usual.
-- Martin Skidmore (martin.skidmore...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

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That's my position too, Martin, but we are now at the all-important "SHOW US THE LESBIAN ORGY" portion of the argument.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Steps in an Argument
1. Introduce the topic
2. Give Your Position
3. Back Up Your Position w/clear, logical evidence
4. Show Them the Lesbian Orgy
5. Concluding Statements
-- oops (buttch9...), February 18th, 2003. (later) (link)

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Monday, 17 February 2003 21:57 (twenty-one years ago) link