If they'd lived

BIGGIE SMALLS kicks the fuck outta all the biters whilst straddling the planet

Emerging in 1975 from deep depression (in later years, he laughingly confessed "I was quite near suicide, though I daresay it was a thought that got me through many a dark night, right?"), NICK DRAKE releases a record of uncharacteristically optimistic music. The self-titled LP sells poorly at first, but gets a big break when a brief instrumental from the album is used as the theme music for a hit new TV show. He then unites with members of Fairport Convention and other Britfolk luminaries to produce a series of critically acclaimed LPs, all of which chart in the UK Top 20 and cement Drake's reputation.

However, a change in the fashion of the times (and a certain loss of inspiration: "The songs...just weren't coming anymore, no matter how hard I worked") leads Drake to go on hiatus from the music business in the early eighties. He spends the next decade living quietly in the English countryside until, in 1995, Drake is coaxed out of retirement by a persistent German fan (whom he later marries), and after a few brief tours in the UK and Europe, quietly releases a comeback album of sorts, Dark and Devil Waters. While again critically acclaimed, the record fails to sell particularly well until yet another licensing deal -- this one with a small independent film that unexpectedly becomes one of the year's biggest smashes -- reignites interest in Drake's older material. He continues to tour sporadically through the '90s, releasing very little new material -- a live album, and The Best of Nick Drake which features two new songs, an unreleased outtake, and a rather schmaltzy cover of Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" -- but then begins a much-anticipated new album in the summer of 1999. Tragically, after having completed about two-thirds of the album, he fails to show up to the studio one day and is found dead in his home, the victim of apparent carbon monoxide poisoning. His wife is briefly regarded as a suspect, but the official police report deems the incident an accident.

Wow.

BILLY MacKENZIE remains reclusive after releasing "Beyond the Sun" in 1997. Alan Rankine denounces as "a sick joke" pressure for the Associates to reform for a "Here and Now" tour with Culture Club and Howard Jones, although shockingly it was actually a serious request. MacKenzie devotes most of his time to whippet racing in Scotland, and appears reasonably happy although deeply introverted. He is a much-sought-after guest vocalist and rumours of his appearances on white label tracks become almost as outlandish as rumours of Elvis sightings. Needless to say most of them are false. You get the impression that, if he can remain in his current state of relative contentment, he could survive into his 80s or even his 90s. Despite everything, he seems to be cut out for it.

Actually now that Fairport have been mentioned someone surely has to write an account of Sandy Denny's last 25 years. Won't be me, though.

IAN CURTIS never kills himself, but Joy Division disintegrate after a couple of mediocre albums. Curtis himself is involved in an increasing number of unexciting new projects with the likes of John Lydon and, later, Morrissey, before going into self-imposed exile. The remaining members of Joy Division do not form New Order and instead fade into obscurity, Stuart Pearce is not momentarily confused and distracted by the thought of John Barnes rapping at a crucial moment, scores his penalty and England win the World Cup in 1990.

JANIS JOPLIN marries into old money and becomes a sensation on the world's tango dancing circuit. In 1974, however, she becomes embroiled in an assault/rape case involving Carly Simon and Freddy Mercury. She eventually turns states evidence for the prosecution, Simon fries, and Joplin buys a "retro" trailor park in the American SW where she lives til this day.

BOB MARLEY survives his battle with throat cancer. Convinced that Jah has forsaken him, he, during a ganja-fueled obsession with Sammy Davis Jr., converts to Judaism. He goes off the radar for many years, only to reemerge and form a dynamic duo with fellow recluse, Cat Stevens. Combined, the two blow more middle-aged white minds than previously thought possible (from the research performed at the Caucasian Institute).
Then, in 1996, he switches up his style on y'all bitches, uniting forces w/Masta P. Their musical partnership bears such sweet fruit as the classics "3 O'Clock Road Ungh!", "Punany Conqueror", and "May I Please Have Some Carrots."

COBAIN takes boats across the Atlantic.

JOHN LENNON: Would have gone on to do everything George Harrison did, effectively killing Harrison's entire career. He also would have made more appearances on Saturday Night Live than any other performer. Furthermore, Anthologies most likely would never have happened, though reunion might have.