this is the thread where you copy and paste whatever other posts on ilx made you laugh out loud

-- Tim (hopkinsti...), February 18th, 2003. (later)

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Haha the delightful decoration = the decor in the toilets, rather than any self-aggrandisement on my part, obv.
-- Tim (hopkinsti...), February 18th, 2003. (later)

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Hm "my part" oh I wish I'd never said anything now.
-- Tim (hopkinsti...), February 18th, 2003. (later)

Only if he does the rumpshaker.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 19th, 2003.

Well, you didn't have to go and give it to the rest of us!
-- Nicole (nicolew1...), February 19th, 2003. (Nicole)

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What other human deformities would merit cannibalisation, Emma?
-- Tim (hopkinsti...), February 20th, 2003 12:22 PM. (later)

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tasting like sausage
-- mark s (mar...), February 20th, 2003 12:25 PM. (later)

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Oh but *all* babies taste like... oops.
-- Tim (hopkinsti...), February 20th, 2003 12:26 PM. (later)

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Any deformity which means you look more like something edible than something human e.g. having a curly tail & snout, having udders, being wrapped in foil etc.
-- Emma (emmaluvscak...), February 20th, 2003 1:34 PM. (later)

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wrapped in foil

just imagine you've just run the London Marathon, you've run your best time ever, you've been on the telly and you've raised oodles of money for charity....AND THEN SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND EATS YOU!!!

-- MarkH (mark_e_heste...), February 20th, 2003 1:47 PM. (later)

-- Callum (disposition_reflection_tria...), October 30th, 2002.

Along with my 'fremme neppa venette' (note: must remember to start a thread asking what this means) tee shirt i want one that says 'disco sux' just so i can look ironic and maybe get into the nme. failing that i shall form my Bush tribute band called Minge and bleat about macky dees whilst surgically attaching a bong to my lips. cuz like, people like that are generally crazy and make great pop star material.um. yes.
-- slit magnet (zxblectu...), October 30th, 2002.

It would be easier if you weren't such an arse.
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), October 30th, 2002.

wha'?!? explain.
-- slit magnet (zxblectu...), October 30th, 2002.

oh him. i think. sorry, pro plus + essay = paranoia + incoherence
-- sm (zxblectu...), October 30th, 2002.

Both bands are inconsequential like all pop music. The rate of turnover in 2002 is frightening and journalists frantically grab onto any musical driftwood press officers put their way that pleases their ears. You muppet.

-- Sonicred (sonicre...), June 2nd, 2002.

Listen to me Sonicred you little piece of stale tramp jizz... OF COURSE I fucking fancied Louise you twat, I was a straight teenaged boy!!! If I come back as a gay teenaged boy in the next life I'll be sure and let you know if I fancy The Strokes as well.
Now, matey, if I simply judged music by whom I fancied then I'd be out there buying Kylie, Sophie Ellis Bextor and fucking Atomic Kitten CDs, but that just aint so. So keep your dipshit opinions where they belong: in your diary.

I don't dislike The Strokes either - if you'd read my posts you realise I like them a great deal, fab pop tunes and all. I just happen to think Sleeper have a lot in common with them, and produced BETTER pop tunes.

Case closed. Now go drown yourself in a bath full of goat wank.

-- Calum Robert (calumr...), June 2nd, 2002.

Calum
you're a funny muppet too

-- Sonicred (sonicre...), June 3rd, 2002.

The lofty silence is ruined by the crinkling of your foil underwear, Tim.

-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 21st, 2003. (later)

-- dave q (scrape10...), February 19th, 2003.

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Or 'bored' rates? "Today I posted to ilxor 347 times."
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), February 20th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Or 'board' rates? "Last month I gave myself a 300% pay rise."
-- Nick Southall (n.j.southal...), February 20th, 2003. (later) (link)

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Thus concludes today's episode of Puns that are Only Puns for English People.
-- nabisco (--...), February 20th, 2003. (later) (link)

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You misspelled "wrench".
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 17th, 2003.

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Lavigne is pomo you shite fuck!
-- CharlieNo4 (charlie_iven...), February 20th, 2003.

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Fuck shit lavigne you groove armada fuck shitbrain
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), February 20th, 2003.

http://tfp.killbots.com/pics/tpic146.gif

(oh shit, that violates the restraining order! nooooo!!)

Kids! Listen and learn as man of action Jason Pierce ?pierces? together another one of his immortal rock classic Spiritualized anthems. Admire his skill and craftmanship as he weaves his magic to produce exactly the same song which he has been putting out for the last ten years ? from the most basic ingredients!

SCENE: A hushed studio in north-east London lit only by crimson lava lamps. Jason ?Piercing? Pierce sits crosslegged on the same carpet which George ?Harry? Harrison used to record ?Within You Lord My Piggies Pass? with a sitar in his lap which he may one day learn to play. He lays the sitar down carefully and picks up his dobro Stratofendercastpaul 1948 spat-upon-by-Gram-Parsons vintage guitar-shaped thing.

Behind him are seated his band of hired agency hands (contract-only, won?t complain about pay) keen with anticipation for the latest unformed outpouring from his personal Erato.

He solemnly strums a C major chord in adagio tempo, modulating to an E major chord, and then back again. The bass joins in, reproducing precisely the bottom note of each of these chords. After five minutes the drummer joins in, beating solemnly on his solitary tom-tom in the exquisitely pre-post-minimalist style of the Velvet Underground, whose song ?Heroin? sounds nothing like anything Spiritualized have ever recorded, for legal reasons.

At eight-and-a-half minutes the mouth of Jason ?Donovan? Pierce is pregnant with expiration of his unfettered emotional Camelot. He can bear it no more and begins to intone solemnly (not at all orgasmically):-

?Down. I?m comin? down. The only way is up. But I?m goin? down. Down. Down. Oh, my Sweet Lord. There?s blood on my tracks. I?m runnin? low on my smack. I?m comin? down. As opposed to sideways. Thinkin? of those lazy hazy crazy days. To leave my lover there must be 50 ways. The tracks of my tears. Holdin? back the years. Tears for souvenirs. But tears are not enough. I?m lookin? for some hot stuff. Baby tonight. Wanna feel alright. The heat is bendin? my spoon. I?m on the dark side of the moon. I can see the girl from Mars. Playin? my ten guitars. Never gonna give you up. I?m like a lonely pup. In a Christmas shop. Dancin? at the hop. But I?m comin? down. The drugs don?t work. Where?s Captain Kirk? A love supreme. Strange Brew by Cream. She?s got Bette Davis eyes. You?re the devil in disguise. My camera never lies. True love will never dies. My shit?s takin? an awful long time to cook. She got sexy eyes like Dr Hook. I read it in a book. Knight?s castle to rook. You made me realise. Baby what a big surprise. The girl who lives on heaven hill. Next door to Barnacle Bill. I?m feelin? oh so fine. Just like it was 1969. And I?m comin? down no more. Gonna knock on the green door. ?Cos I?m goin? high. High in the sky. Up where we belong. You can tell everybody that this is your song. Whoops, this ain?t Moulin Rouge. The nearest tube is street called Goodge. I?m getting? high! With my American Pie!?

The band suddenly erupts into a feedback-laden climax. Enter the London Community Gospel Choir, their faces beaming with joy as they think of making even more money out of singing dumb whitey public school shit.

?OH HAPPY DAY! OH MY SWEET LORD! OH RELEASE ME! WE ARE THE WORLD!!?

Repeat for 12 minutes, then add Terry Edwards and bloke who plays sax on Stereolab records to echo the primary two chords of the song precisely, and then indulge in some desultory free-form ?freakouts? (would like to do ?Ascension? but ?David? Jason Pierce has an eye on Steve Lamacq?s playlist. In any case he doesn?t know what ?Ascension? sounds like, having bought it second-hand in 1994 but never having played it).

Just as the whole stew is about to boil over, Jason ?Connery? Pierce adds the icing on the cake. He stops the whole ensemble to whisper:-

?Just say no to drugs. ?Cos baby it?s tragic. But just say yes. To boogie woogie piano magic.?

Yes! It?s Jools Holland to play the band out with some goodtime rolling boogie-woogie piano magic! Fade out: ?AbbbbababaBlueberry! Hill! Sam! Brown! Acoustic!? et fucking cetera.

-- Marcello Carlin (markcarli...), September 14th, 2001.

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 21st, 2003.

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Worst typo ever....
-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 21st, 2003.

-- Ernest P. (afternoon_trai...), February 21st, 2003. (later) (link)

What??? I dated Chris V. in college???

Oh and she also gave me a handjob to "Year of The Cat" by Al Stewart, which I'll never forget.

Oh, uh, I guess not...

-- Sarah McLusky (x77tigersxu...), February 22nd, 2003. (later) (link)

the least attention demanding rock record I've bought ever

I admit, the argument that in fact the Strokes should be treated as ambient background sound in an Eno sense works far better than any other claims made for the band. Then imagine turning the volume down even more.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), February 21st, 2003. (later)

haha, I meant it as a compliment
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), February 21st, 2003. (later)

Oh trust me, so am I. ;-)
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), February 21st, 2003. (later)

there aren't enough horrors in the day
-- Wintermute (wintermute_v0.3...)

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It means absolutely nothing to me.
Oh, Vienna.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), February 21st, 2003.

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I've already had that conversation, Kate. I believe my wife described it as "Imagine someone shoving cold spoons up your ass... ONLY IT ISN'T YOUR ASS."
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 21st, 2003.

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whose ass is it?
-- mark s (mar...), February 21st, 2003.

this sounds like the lifestyle of Ethan Padgett/Simon Trife!

-- Tad (llamasfu...), February 24th, 2003. (later)

and now my neck is broken from "in da club"

-- juiceboxxx (juiceboxx...) (webmail), February 23rd, 2003 7:46 AM. (later)

you can keep him.
-- Anthony Miccio (anthonymicci...) (webmail), February 23rd, 2003 12:27 PM. (later)

Is "getting" 50 Cent really that difficult? I wasn't aware there was a beguiling subtext to his work.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...) (webmail), February 23rd, 2003 2:49 PM. (later)

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Ally, your post is a wonderland.
-- Jody Beth Rosen (edito...), February 23rd, 2003.

"Ben, Ben, yer snoring!"

*snoring*

"Ben, stop snoring!"

"NEVER!" *continues snoring*

-- Anthony Miccio (anthonymicci...), February 24th, 2003. (later)
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Me: *whispers* I love you, honey.

Him: Only on sausages. *continues snoring*

-- Lara (lara_byrn...), February 24th, 2003. (later)

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heaney not yet born when i did o-levels
-- mark s (mar...), February 24th, 2003 12:28 PM. (later)

People all over the world: 'Oh.'

-- Millar (tmilla...), February 24th, 2003. (later)

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aw, he went to lunch as i was posting. oh well.
-- jess (dubplatestyl...), February 25th, 2003. (later)

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eating lunch=not punk
-- james wright (j227wrigh...), February 25th, 2003. (later)

-- lawrence kansas (lawrence_kansa...), February 24th, 2003 8:07 AM.

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and punch
-- mark p (m*****...) (webmail), February 24th, 2003 8:37 PM. (later) (Mark P) (link)

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(benny hill music, and we all chase eachother offscreen)
-- Fritz Wollner (fritzwollner5...) (webmail), February 24th, 2003 8:39 PM. (later) (Fritz) (link)

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this thread has been made possible by local 813: air vents, detachable skirts, old men, handbags, cartoon punks, and sign obscurers.
-- jess (dubplatestyl...) (webmail), February 24th, 2003 8:40 PM. (later) (dubplatestyle) (link)

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also flags. don't forget the flags.
-- mark p (m*****...) (webmail), February 24th, 2003 8:41 PM. (later) (Mark P) (link)

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....and the ever understanding citizens of Turkmenistan.
-- Alex in NYC (vassife...) (webmail), February 24th, 2003 8:43 PM

(stretches out them old, weary, typed-out knuckles for ol' storytime...)

Allrightie, back in 1982 or 1983, my folks thought it would be "really cute" if I went on a game show. Being a fan of game shows at the time, I was quite excited. And living in 'da westside Los Angeles/Santa Monica area, there were plenty of easily driveable opportunities to do just that. Unfortunately, there was only room for a taping of a pilot of a rehash of "The Dating Game: Kid's Edition". (This is pre-Jeff MacGregor mind you) At that point, I became more apprehensive, but my folks goaded me into doing it, saying "Oh, come on! Didn't you always want to be in TV?"...

Don't ask me why, but given the scarce amount of participants, I somehow made it past the screening processes, being shy and socially inept for an 11-year-old and all. Fast forward to day of taping, skipping all the silly details in between..

Taping happens, blah blah. It's looking pretty obvious that Bachelor #2 (me) was obviously cast as the token "dork" bachelor, as the wishy-washiness of my answers would make Charlie Brown seem like Mr. T.

Anyway, the bachelorette. Oh yes, the wonderful little prissy princess that was the bachelorette. Keep in mind -- valley girl has struck it BIG in America at the time -- so out comes our little Tarzana sweetheart... introduction is made, etc. etc. etc.

Her name: Tunia Flambe.

Yes. Pronounced "Toonya Flambay"... Single hair clip, glittery shoes, fake gum chewing maneuvers and all... but with a disingenuous Tina Yothers quality to her.

I refuse to go into detail on what may still possibly be the most embarrassing moment of my life, but I do remember one of her questions to Le Bachelors: "Ok, so like we're going out getting ice cream.. and, like, this BIG DUDE, like, comes and threatens to steal me away and make me his.. would you, like,.. fight for me?"

Well, obviously, I didn't win.. that, ahem, lucky honor went to the Jason Hervey/Jason Batemen/Ricky Schroeder wannaba guy to my left. But of course, what's the staple consolation on any episode of "The Dating Game"? Right, you have to walk over, have some announcer guy bellow out a cheap 17-word bio on you, you walk over and hug the bachelorette.

Well I did that. Except that the hug was obviously too ambitious, as she slightly jerked, quickly whipped her hair back, and made a little "I'm annoyed" breathing sound, followed by "like... my hair."

The pilot never made it to TV. The next version (that would have Jeff MacGregor as the host) would actually become popular, but not mine.. which is easily the best thing to result from all of this, besides the fact that my family understood my grief and owned no VCR at the time, so I wouldn't have to fear the existence of "the tape", which we never requested.

That would end my fascination with valley girls for a long time to come -- until I'd realize, years later, that Moon Unit Zappa was still a cutie.

-- donut bitch (do...) (webmail), February 23rd, 2003 5:42 PM. (later) (donut) (link)

That post was so funny I choked on a spoonful of corn pops.

-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), February 25th, 2003. (later) (link)

Sir Sean Connery.

-- Mr Noodles (infinitec0w...), February 25th, 2003.