ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

I guess one reason the "french parenting" article appealed to me in part was that I feel like I see a lot of parents around Brooklyn who act a little too much like kids around their kids, like as though they see their primary role as being especially manic and entertaining playmates. I still think a parent probably ought to be modeling aspirational behaviors for their kids, although obviously parents should also have fun with their kids and be silly sometimes. I get the impression sometimes that the parents I'm talking about are not only confusing their kids but getting them kind of hyped up and anxious.

At the same time, the image the article projects onto French parents seems awfully conveniently suited to the parent who wants to avoid being bothered too much by this whole parenting thing.

I have a suspicion that you become the kind of parent you can handle being. I know it makes you be better than you are, every day that you can, because that's the kind of love you feel for yr children, but I also know my brain breaks down from too much noise and chaos and interruption--I have so much sympathy for my dad, in my own adulthood.

I get the impression sometimes that the parents I'm talking about are not only confusing their kids but getting them kind of hyped up and anxious.

Yes, I've seen this, saw it last night from the other guests, too. I get mad when people don't take children seriously and answer them seriously--that 4-yo isn't on this earth to be a joke for you, you know. If you want him to be polite and learn about social interaction, you should maybe stop LAUGHING AT HIM.

"While some American toddlers are getting Mandarin tutors and preliteracy training, French kids are—by design—toddling around by themselves."

This doesn't seem particularly middle-class to me...

it's the wall street journal

My daughter has a Mandarin tutor:

http://www.nihao-kailan.com/img/kailan.gif

I agree with the lack of "no"-ing and the inability of parents to allow children their own space. I don't know how peculiarly American or middle-class they are, but I've definitely observed both pretty frequently even in my short parenting career.

this article is my first exposure to the term "kindergarchy". not sure what it means, but it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.

literally = rule by children

not sure how i feel about german/greek linguistic mashups.

My mother taught us table manners and how to behave through play. We'd have tea parties and teddy bear dinners, that is how I learned how to behave at the table.

We were never allowed to eat all day or when we wanted to. I think we were actually too poor for that. But after a nap we did get a bowl of pudding or ice cream and so we looked forward to nap time, which was also story time then would wake up to a treat and Mighty Mouse. My mom never carried snacks in her purse.

My paternal grandmother definitely had the whole polite but firm thing going on. At my grandmother's house we wouldn't dare open her fridge or kitchen pantry, would ask to turn her television on and would never wander through the house or ask for snacks. But we loved going there, we had fun. At my maternal grandmother's house, we were completely wild, made anything we wanted in her kitchen, went through her drawers and closets, pulled out boxes of personal belongings...she never said no.

I am interested in reading the book , see how it compares to Dr Sears and attachment parenting.

guh the snack thing. sylvie just went through a phase where she said i'mmmmmm hunnnnnnngry every 10 seconds. part of it was just an attention-getting strategy, but i think she was also going through a growth spurt at the time. really difficult to deny her food when she asks for it constantly, though we tried to have a more rigid schedule for snacks. more than one a day, though, that's for sure.

reading this right now

it's interesting, some good stuff. also some entertainingly dated stuff (late 70s/early 80s depictions of moms with handkerchiefs tied around their heads, casual allusions to hitting children, etc.)

Met with a mid-wife on Monday at a birthing center and loved the facility. She was also very warm and knowledgeable so we decided to go with a water birth at this center.

Yesterday we saw the ob at my scheduled appt and ugh...ended up telling the billing agent we were going with the midwife. I think we even said we were thinking of going with a midwife and this might be our last visit.

When the ob came in he just measured me but didn't follow up on the tests done at my last visit nor was a question I had phoned in between the last visit and yesterday's visit addressed. He asked if I had any problems and I mentioned some pain and he suggested a support belt. Weird since at the last visit I was wearing one and he condescendingly said they just really didn't offer much help or relief but to go ahead and use it if I thought it was doing any good. I then asked if the measurement was normal, if "everything" was normal referring to the urine test, blood pressure and weight taken. He just said yes. I felt I wasn't specific enough.

I don't attribute his flakiness towards us to leaving although I guess it could have been. The office has been really unfocused as has the doctor since day one. So then he said he had heard that we were transferring and we said we were transferring to a midwife. Awkward pause and stares followed then the visit was quickly over after that.

guy sounds like a tool

a friend lent me that book Shakey but i couldn't make it past the first few pages; the author sounds like she had problems we don't really have, and her advice on how to overcome those problems is very much common sense. though it can sometimes be helpful to be reminded what common sense actually is - sometimes you can outthink yourself.

My plan is definitely to apply the "go with your instincts" method of parenting, because I can pretty much never get through more than a few pages of a parenting book.

Kids are all different anyway -- I was naturally quiet and slow-moving, my brother was a perpetual motion machine. I was hold-it-in, he was let-it-out. I probably needed different parenting than he did.

the author sounds like she had problems we don't really have, and her advice on how to overcome those problems is very much common sense

yeah I don't really disagree with this. some of the examples given of things parents might say ("close the door! how can you be so stupid!") are like so over-the-top wrong - just stuff I would never say - lend the book a strange anthropological appeal. like jeez were these really common parenting tactics in the 70s, to constantly emotionally and physically abuse your child...?

for example:

I was so gung ho to get his new approach going in my family that I came home from a meeting, tripped over my daughter's skates in the hall, and sweetly told her, "Skates belong in the closet." I thought I was wonderful. When she looked up at me blankly, and then went back to reading her book, I hit her.

I've since learned two things...

uh, okay

hahaha WHAT

haha, no that's not funny, haha

how about

I was so gung ho to get his new approach going in my family that I came home from a meeting, tripped over my daughter's skates in the hall, and hit her. When she looked up at me blankly, and then went back to reading her book, I sweetly told her, "Skates belong in the closet." I thought I was wonderful.

tbf the book does have some helpful/common-sense things behind it - like, "don't insult your child", "acknowledge their feelings/help them articulate them" etc.

btw y'all i'm a dad now. her name is keren

congratulations, that is wonderful news! <3

congrats!

Congratulations!

congratulations! that is a nice name.

That's a beautiful name! Congrats!

We had our 1st real appointment with the midwife today and I really like her. She felt T's belly and told us how the baby is positioned and that was nice to know. Something the previous doctor couldn't tell us.

baby bonding hormones = best drug ever btw

Ya know for the last few months I've had this depression repellant, it's like nothing gets me down. I guess it's baby bonding hormones, even though she's isn't here, I feel connected to her. I like singing to her.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love being a dad but I sure will be happy if/when little man learns how to sleep longer than 3 hours at a stretch

also congrats to Hurting 2!

hurting 3

Haha perfect! Congrats and OTM re baby bonding <3<3

So today was day 4 of her life, and it feels like so much was compressed into this short time. She's already very different than her first day - much more alert and interested in the world, calmer, less prone to frustration. We had a (probably typical) scare with feeding because she seemed to be eating all the time and still hungry and losing weight, but you just have to keep at it for a few days and the milk comes. Then today all of the sudden she had one of those massive diaper blowouts, and since that point she has been the most serene little thing.

I've actually been able to relax for the first time since her birth tonight - she is actually sleeping soundly for full 1-2 hour stretches and letting mom get some sleep. I'm doing my best to be calm with her and to give her a sense of reassurance - in my mind that seems more important than getting the exact right number of wet diapers or feeds or whatever, as long as the baby seems ok, and believe me if you are paying attention to the baby you will have instincts about this (e.g. when she was not getting enough to eat her mom knew right away, and pretty soon it became clear to me too).

She slept on my chest this evening while we watched the Knicks lose. BTW the skin-to-skin thing really is awesome, both for mom and for dad.

Congrats, hurting!

yeah, it is awesome to hear you talk about this!

Congrats Hurting!

Aw, how sweet. Congratulations Hurting.

congratulations

Awwww Hurting, enjoyed reading your post :)

I'm doing my best to be calm with her and to give her a sense of reassurance - in my mind that seems more important than getting the exact right number of wet diapers or feeds or whatever, as long as the baby seems ok, and believe me if you are paying attention to the baby you will have instincts about this

hurting i think if youre already at this point on day 4 you're going to make a fine parent.

ha but what about on day 6? reached a bit of a crisis bc I kept screwing things up from absent minded ness and exhaustion -- f'ed up with the carseat in a way not worth explaining in detail, forgot the baby's clothes in the washer downstairs, put a diaper on wrong, got the car towed etc. started to lose confidence, but I guess like with anything you have to fake the confidence you don't have.

firsts today: book ("look look"), music (Elizabeth Cotten), walk in the park

don't sweat it, sounds like you're doing fine to me, congrats!

Hahaha in 15 years she is going to be so sick of hearing about that time that you got the car towed b/c of sleeplessness, and you're going to think it's hilarious and miss these days like crazy. I promise.

It's totally okay.

ok it is worth explaining. my baby came early and I hadn't installed the carseat. the night before discharge I had to rush home to install, but I left the hospital p late bc mrs h had a c and needed support. in my delirium I became convinced that the carseat could not be properly installed bc of the kind of seatbelt we have. we got her mom ato drive u.s home instead and a few days later I had an auto shop. jerryrig a way to permanently install the base, like a makeshift Latch system. then I got home and realized nothing was wrong with the seatbelts at all. yes, she will be hearing for years about her easily confused father.

sorry for typos, iPad typing w baby on stomach

car seats are always a bit of a hassle,worst is when they get sick on it/have an accident and you have to remove it, strip the cover, wash it and then figure out how to secure it again

Yesterday when I was FaceTiming with my wife and kids, J started saying "book" and began crying when my wife gave him the wrong one. Meanwhile, D gave the phone a fist bump when I asked him for one. These are astonishing little dudes IMO.

Oh man, that's adorable.

outis made a new parenting thread btw. ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now