shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

god that tattoo article might as well be a transcript bw me and my mom regarding any significant life choice I've made in the last 5 years

i didn't know that stuff about aristocratic tattoos

yeah this was kind of rad to learn about!!

unbelievable

tbh i was ready for the big reveal to be that it was a "MOM" tattoo with a heart around it

― ○ (gr8080), Saturday, August 11, 2012 12:29 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

ditto

I'm starting to feel like the Graun played us all, it just seems way too... weird. Like extreme irony.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa2LOMajSwM

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/08/24/entertainment-us-britain-prince-naked-idUSBRE87L08C20120824

not the reuters hed but the daily mail pictured

(that's the sun, not the mail)

oh right

crosspost that headline to passive aggressive notes

reuters on a roll with this

http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/08/25/us-usa-campaign-deathmetal-idINBRE87O03S20120825

already added to wikipedia's death metal page

idgi

will two live crew also not be performing?

http://www.militarytimes.com/news/2012/08/marine-fired-mattis-quote-tattoo-082712/

Union Pacific Railroad fired conductor Carl Newman of Kansas City, Mo., in 2010 because his tattoo violated the company’s “Violence in the Workplace” policy, according to a complaint filed in federal court Aug. 9.

The words were spoken by Gen. James Mattis, now head of U.S. Central Command, when he led Marines in Iraq in 2003.

Mattis, then a tough-talking major general known as “the Warrior Monk,” commanded 1st Marine Division during the invasion. According to Washington Post reporter Thomas E. Ricks’ book “Fiasco,” Mattis sent his tanks and artillery home after the successful invasion. He met with Iraqi tribal leaders and said, “I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I am pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you f--- with me, I’ll kill you all.”

that reminds me of my modest proposal to make police who shoot people get tear tattoos for each person they kill

http://blogs.ajc.com/news-to-me/2012/09/18/convicted-killer-says-hes-too-fat-to-be-executed/

reposting this one from the "most important local news story" thread:

http://djournal.com/view/full_story/20188758/article-Wicks-n-More-consumed-in-fire

http://deadspin.com/5943994/stephen-a-smith-thought-an-article-about-him-in-the-onion-was-real

ok except it's already a very old joke at this point, this has got to be the mother of them all

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8462/8007439788_c8ee71a7de_m.jpg

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443696604577647870908169992.html

Getting That Justin Vernon Body With Trainer Jeff Rogers

http://www.mtvhive.com/2012/09/24/bon-iver-workout/

haha, the late great, I posted in the Amish thread the Cleveland Plain Dealer headline on that story, which falls just short of all-time greatness:

http://imageshack.us/a/img692/2404/frontpage092112jpgf4ed9.jpg

http://pitchfork.com/news/47960-full-scott-walker-album-details-revealed/

his name was mullet?!?

yeah his name was mullet. that kind of puts it more in mad magazine territory, though they'd probably change it to Potzrebie Mulletski or something.

Buddhist "Iron Man" Found by Nazis Is from Space

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=buddhist-iron-man-found

Bachmann: ‘We Must Ban Falafel’ in School Lunches

http://dailycurrant.com/2012/09/28/bachmann-we-ban-falafel-school-lunches/#.UGXBjenOHSI.facebook

"I have to ask Ms. Bachmann, why is that a problem? I mean some children like the taste of falafel, what's wrong with that?"

"Chris, falafel is a gateway food," responded Bachmann, "It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma. After a while they say 'hey this tastes good, I wonder what else comes from Arabia?' "

"Before you know it our children are listening to Muslim music, reading the Koran, and plotting attacks against the homeland."

"We need to stop these terror cakes now, before they infiltrate any further."

the daily currant is a shitty onion-style fake-news website

lol now i'm one of those people!

terror cakes is roughly B+ tho

http://www.gameranx.com/updates/id/9639/article/glenn-beck-thinks-eve-online-is-a-front-for-the-cia/

"It starts with falafel, then the kids move on to shawarma."

OTM

Falafel and kebab are totally opposite demographics over here.

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/dam/assets/120927074234-benjamin-netanyahu-bomb-un-horizontal-gallery.jpg

christine lagarde from the IMF threatening argentina with a red card if they don't comply with their orders.

"Argentina is good in football and it certainly understands what we are talking about," said Ms Lagarde.

such condescension! good thing cristina fernandez told her to fuck off.

http://www.startribune.com/local/minneapolis/172500101.html?refer=y

Undisclosed 'concern' has Mpls. South HS in lockdown; police involved

Minneapolis South High School is in a lockdown Wednesday for what officials are calling a “concern in the school community.”

During the lockdown, classes are being conducted as usual, but students will remain in the rooms, the campus was closed during the lunch period and students with an open hour are not allowed to leave the building, said School District spokeswoman Rachel Hicks.

The district has yet to disclose what has prompted the lockdown.

“We are working collaboratively with the Minneapolis Police Department to monitor the concern,” Hicks said in a written statement. “However, we are unable to share details of the concern because of our ongoing investigation.”

Police Sgt. William Palmer confirmed that his department is involved “to a degree,” but he referred questions back to the district.

That would certainly be one of the drier Onion stories.

certainly would.

http://consumerist.com/2012/10/03/fancy-new-taco-bells-hope-to-go-upscale-with-eaterys-image/

“We wanted a look that’s totally different, to show that we’re an upscale brand,” said the executive VP of big-time Taco Bell franchisee Alvarado Companies. “You walk in and it feels new and fresh.”

haha OMG is taco bell gonna try to 'dinner service' like burger king did in the late 80s???

I'd never seen Demolition Man before, but a friend pointed out on fb that this is a movie prophecy come true. Wiki says: "All restaurants are Taco Bells, which "won the franchise wars" and evolved into fine-dining establishments that serve nouvelle cuisine."

Norwegian prisoners livid about having to wear slippers in the visiting room.
Hard to play football (google-translated link)

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2012/10/09/roach-eating-contentant-dies.html

sadly that doesn't sound like an onion article to me at all ... not because someone died but because since that lady died during the water-drinking contest it doesn't seem so unlikely anymore

Yeah but water intoxication is a thing and roach intoxication just isn't.

OTOH it's possible he died from suddenly being massively, massively squicked out.

Police use Taser on blind man after stick mistaken for sword

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-19979184

Like they need an excuse to beat up someone.

http://www.vita.mn/crawl/174838641.html

lol