it's like a home for anorgasmic people! a thread for anorgasmia and difficulty in getting off

I meant, if you were the guy in question, and having a problem, during the one night stand, you could claim that it was a complete surprise. Not for someone to point fingers at someone else's sexual foibles. What kind of monster do you take me for?

oh, certainly!

did you know there's a detachment/anxiety post-orgasm thing more prominent in men? idk, guys are more likely to just pass the hell out when things go well, but it can also lead to laying awake

VP, still, unless you're young or really inexperienced, who has complete surprises?

Haha I will fall asleep in like 30 seconds after an orgasm, I'm a guy like that.

high five, io

That's actually one thing I really like about going solo, no need to get up, pee, clean anything. I can just afterglow and then unconsciousness.

see maybe you know that subconsciously when with a dude and you're really thinking "guys suuuuuuck"

Sometimes it is really hard to sleep afterward though without having gotten off, that's honestly probably the most annoying part for me.

― purveyor of generations (in orbit), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:23 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

keep a quiet sex toy in the bathroom, wait for partner to fall asleep

or if he isn't insecure just take it out after?

xp There's probably something to that, you know? Sex is a huge production, takes time away from ilx and reading & drinking wine, makes me sweaty again, I never get off, and then I can't sleep. In rel'ships where we've spent a lot of/too much time together I get really protective of my nights alone for that reason and also just the pleasure of doing things I want on my own schedule.

I am a terrible, selfish, modern single and I want what I want when I want it.

Also STOP UNTUCKING THE SHEETS AND MOVING AROUND, DAMN IT.

you can join me in leading the charge to bring separate beds back out of 50s sitcoms

I'll rep for separate bedrooms any day of the week, frankly.

me too! and i'd always thought i'd be cuddler too.

for now separate blankets do a decent job

omg just died at the sheet untucking

I can't GET OFF over here because I know you're gonna UNTUCK MY SHEETS

Haha, I hate it when sex takes time away from my valuable ilx reading.

In terms of insecurities, the people who are insecure about this stuff are probably the people who should not be insecure about this stuff. Like a lot of things in life.

i have mr. freeze's taste in bedroom temperatures (i am sounding like a real catch on this thread) so cuddling usually works for me. and for whomever i'm cuddling, who would probably otherwise die.

It's untucked over here all the time. I'm so easy going like that.

(but if i'm at someone else's place FUCK THAT STAY OVER THERE.)

I am a cuddler!!! I adore cuddling! And then it's time to back to our separate sides of the bed for sleeping.

xp looool dlh leave some of my life for me, please.

you'll be relieved to hear i am a militant untucker.

it's troublesome when your partner hates not cuddling to sleep and is also a living furnace

Anyone that isn't alienated by my sexual & sleeping habits is probably a saint, and I haven't met them yet.

I'm amazed at guys (or people in general, I suppose, but my experience is w/ myself and other guys) whose bodies react strongly to physical stimulation. I can hardly fathom premature ejaculation or an unwanted erection b/c for me orgasms and erections are not going to happen if my mind isn't on board. My ex-BFs would get hard with just some rubbing, regardless of virtually any adverse circumstances (including, for example, terrible gastroenteritis or crying over a relative's illness). One of them would finish predictably as if he were on a timer no matter what. It seems amazing to have such a responsive body!

xp LOL Sex is a huge production, takes time away from ilx and reading

I have envied men and what I've perceived as the male experience of sex for a very long time for exactly that, Je55e. I don't get those people either.

Not anorgasmia but in the 'difficulty getting off' category.

I'd had not very good sexual experiences until I met Mr Veg...and always found sex kind of stressful anyway, worried I was doing it right/wrong, had a very hard time relaxing at all for a long time. It took us a while to figure our shit out, sexwise. I've frankly never been able to orgasm during intercourse, even if it felt great it just never felt like I was anywhere close to being near getting off. Mr Veg would always orgasm pretty quickly, and he always felt bad for not lasting longer, but honestly I didn't mind because I haaaaate guys pounding away to prove a point of stamina. There ain't no gusher coming up from this oil well, Tex, I can tell you that right now. (sorry)

But we eventually kind of realized that the idealized mutual orgasm while *inside* was only part of it, or not even any of it really unless you're trying to conceive. It just felt like, we'd have more luck trying to complete an onside kick in the NFL. I mean, sure it's *nice* to have that moment together if you can get it but hey, if I'm not getting there during sex then there's no reason why we can't find a way to finish me afterwards, which we figured out. And yknow, we just do post-sex other stuff til we've both kind of, had our moment/s and enjoyed each other. So what if it's not a simultaneous fountain of wow during that one act. Seeing the other person get there, even separately, is still an intimate sexual experience and there's no shame in how you get there, I don't think.

It seems amazing to have such a responsive body!

i thought forever (and honestly still at least jealously halfthink) that this was a sign of like Connection To Life and Presence Of Mind and Grace and shit but it's probably totally meaningless

(LIKE WHEN TWO FIREFLIES FLUORESCE)

OK, this is uncomfortable-making, but an extreme example of amazing body responsiveness is women who have had orgasms during rape. I just can't imagine.

Less terrible: closeted gay men who sleep with women.

I mean, sure it's *nice* to have that moment together if you can get it but hey, if I'm not getting there during sex then there's no reason why we can't find a way to finish me afterwards, which we figured out. And yknow, we just do post-sex other stuff til we've both kind of, had our moment/s and enjoyed each other. So what if it's not a simultaneous fountain of wow during that one act. Seeing the other person get there, even separately, is still an intimate sexual experience and there's no shame in how you get there, I don't think.

yeah all of this.

Seeing the other person get there, even separately, is still an intimate sexual experience

Yeeeessss, I've definitely got some personal boundaries with intimacy stuff happening because I find being watched a complete killer of good times. I know this, I've been on a journey of trying to figure this out for a really long time, but maybe I should have slept with someone who really cared about me somewhere along the way, I guess. Luckily there's still time.

I honestly believe that there are people out there who aren't hung up on this as a 'problem', who aren't going to nitpick you for not being 'normal'. And people who do focus on the so-called dysfunction are in my opinon projecting their own hangups more than anything. Like if you're being given a raft of crap about not orgasming at the right time or at all, then to me they're paranoid that it means there's somethign wrong with them and it's totally selfish, and those are not people who you could have any chance of having a positive sexual experiences with.

Not that you have to sit around the dinner table discussing technique - endless sextalk is kind of urgh too. But I don't think the entire world is as hung up about this at it seems. For some people there's a huge amount of freedom in finding out that what didn't feel normal with others can become normal with the right type of person.

and you never know orbit, maybe there's a dude who just wants to *hear* it, who doesn't even need to see it to get off. there's all kinds of jigsaw puzzle pieces out in the world.

io - is it that you absolutely can't get off if there's someone there? ie you can't use your hands during, or a toy while he does ~other stuff~, it still doesn't work?

And then there's

http://blog.seattlepi.com/thebigblog/2012/03/20/study-women-have-orgasms-while-exercising/

Huh, interesting thread. I am sorta in a similar boat as IO. No issues whatsoever getting off solo (like, at all) but it's always been a struggle for me to do so with other people. It's only happened a couple times in my life where it was a natural non-task oriented thing that just kind of happened and those experiences were so few and far between so as to be remarkable. It's happened but but in most cases it becomes more of a chore than an enjoyable thing so that over time I've sort of just accepted that that's not really a thing that happens a lot for me other than when I'm flying solo and that's OK.

I'm in the same boat. I've gotten off during sex, but that's the exception and not the rule. I tend to just masturbate before I fall asleep. It's never seemed to bother anyone, but I have had people who decided they get to play there, too, and often would get shot away.. ;) Tbh, I do that almost every night.. that's *how* I turn my brain off, so to speak!

Husband could never, ever get off in a woman's mouth because he thought it was so rude. I've put in a lot of work to erase an appropriate amount of feminism from my bedroom.

(LIKE WHEN TWO FIREFLIES FLUORESCE)

― difficult listening hour

hi this is when I fell in love with you, where were you 8 years ago?

I had this problem and faked Os until I was 20. Finally a non-chump gf said "oh, let's fix this" and we did.

A large inhibitor, for me, was the feeling that I was boring my partner, or that s/he was losing interest. But if your partner knows what to expect, and you're allowed to relax, concentrate, and focus on your own pleasure, it'll make it a lot easier for you.

Once I got more comfortable sharing the situation with my partners, it actually became a fun thing, like, a challenge!

(Those days are long gone)

xxp Uh that's not "erasing" "feminism," though? Because it wasn't an "unfeminist" act in the first place, if such a thing were even possible? Oh forget it. I did appreciate the rest of your post, though, that's a new take on things that I will consider adding to my mental binder labeled "Range of normal."

hah, I was about to make the same comment, io, but couldn't quite articulate it without it sounding like "man says fellatio is totes cool for feminism"

Sorry - what I mean is that his interpretation of the act is that it is degrading to women, and I had to ease his concerns that I do ot out of any sort of obligations. Erasing feminism was lazy, typing at work shorthand. Xp

http://alignlife.com/userfiles/thumbs%20up.jpg

oral sex as a degrading or subservient act is kind of a cultural baggage thing, totally get it, though

Thank you. He's the most woman-positive person I've ever known, but at the end of the day was still brought up in a very WASPy home.

I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm with a partner and it sometimes takes hours to get myself off, but I still feel like I don't really belong here. Strange. I suppose that I really do, though.

I suffer from MS and walk around half-numb all the time. It sucks. It took me quite a while to figure out how to make sex work again, much to the chagrin of two different partners, I guess. I have to take ED meds, which are expensive as hell (but I've found ways to get help with that).

My GF now is unbelievably supportive and understanding, though, so I count myself very lucky. If only she didn't live 1000 miles away :-/

He's the most woman-positive person I've ever known, but at the end of the day was still brought up in a very WASPy home.

my eternal dilemma. guh.

Must be why I love you/married into your bizarro family :)

SSRIs have made this a difficult thing in the best of circumstances,

― ɥɯ ︵ (°□°) (mh), Monday, October 22, 2012 11:26 PM

Have you tried using bupropion rather than SSRIs? It is one of the few antidepressants that doesn't cause sexual dysfunction, and a friend of mine who had gone through just about everything else told me that was the only one that worked and didn't destroy his sex life. (Unfortunately, it is not widely available in the UK though - can't remember where you live).

That's actually one thing I really like about going solo, no need to get up, pee, clean anything. I can just afterglow and then unconsciousness.

― purveyor of generations (in orbit), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:27 AM

I don't do any of that even with a partner....

Sex is a huge production, takes time away from ilx and reading & drinking wine

― purveyor of generations (in orbit), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:32 AM

Glad to see i'm not the only one here with my priorities straight!

So what if it's not a simultaneous fountain of wow during that one act. Seeing the other person get there, even separately, is still an intimate sexual experience and there's no shame in how you get there

― set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, October 23, 2012 12:51 AM

Right on, as others have said. I'm usually (well alright, always) the low-libido partner in previous relationships, and one woman I was with would often be in the mood when I wasn't. So she would sometimes lie in bed beside me and while I was trying to fall asleep, she would go at it by herself, complete unperturbed by my presense. I loved that. I don't think I could do that myself though if the roles were reversed.

I have to take ED meds, which are expensive as hell (but I've found ways to get help with that).

My GF now is unbelievably supportive and understanding, though, so I count myself very lucky. If only she didn't live 1000 miles away :-/

― Trip Maker, Tuesday, October 23, 2012 2:05 PM

In the US at least, you can get one 30-pill "trial" presciption of Cialis 5mg per year. The 5mg (and 2.5mg) doses are marketed for daily use for ppl who have sex frequently, whereas the 10mg and 20mg doses are for occasional use "when needed", but the high doses last for up to 36 hours (unlike Viagra, which lasts only 3-4 hours). But although the manufacturer doesn't mention this in their marketing, the prescribing info given to doctors also shows even the 5mg dose is adequate for as-needed use for many people. That's what I found myself - the 5mg dose does the trick when used as needed - I might not get 36 hours out of it, but taken in the evening it certainly works for that night and next morning, which is all I need. 10mg works even better. Since my main partner also lives far away (450 miles, though it's been a long time even with her), that affords me 15 to 30 free doses per year, and I don't think I've ever had sex more than 15 times per year. So essentially, my ED meds are free.

Also, at least in the USA both Viagra and Cialis have been approved for uses other than ED and if prescribed as such (both are given different brand names for the same active ingredient), your insurance may pick up on it.

I ended up getting my prescription filled by a Canadian pharmacy. I also have an aunt that works in a doctor's office who gives me free samples. Thanks for the tips, though.

I started saying a long time ago that if I was going to have sex I at least wanted to be there for it, and not somewhere else or floating around the ceiling watching it or whatever. Actually achieving that has not really...happened.

Partly because I go a year at a time without meeting anyone I want to date (who wants to date me) at all, so it's an extremely slow process. I say this at about the 11-month mark, which is why I almost put this whole series of posts in the droughts thread.

first 5 minutes of that vid are painfully relevant. want to read her work now.

xp that sense of time being against us does so much to undermine our wiser instincts sometimes i think

"a glimpse of all our futures"

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

A survey in 2011 found that 61% of unmarried men and 49% of women aged 18-34 were not in any kind of romantic relationship, a rise of almost 10% from five years earlier. Another study found that a third of people under 30 had never dated at all. (There are no figures for same-sex relationships.) Although there has long been a pragmatic separation of love and sex in Japan – a country mostly free of religious morals – sex fares no better. A survey earlier this year by the Japan Family Planning Association (JFPA) found that 45% of women aged 16-24 "were not interested in or despised sexual contact". More than a quarter of men felt the same way.

I'm taking notes on the side about my own thoughts on the matter, I feel like a bunch of difft things lately have led up to me making a big jump in understanding some truths today. But in relation to the article about young people in Japan, I think...when you start realizing that nothing except equality is acceptable, it may be the case that everything suddenly becomes like 100x more difficult because everything you do is swimming upstream against the status quo. That amount of work is not always/often? going to be worth whatever the perceived benefits are.

Also just to say it again, human needs w/r/t sex and intimacy are amazingly varied, I grok that more and more. The "new normal" can be...ANYTHING.

People have introduced me lately to this guy Jay Smooth who has inspections of racism on youtube, and my favorite part is the "personal hygiene" approach to not being racist in which he compares it to brushing your teeth--upkeep, something you have to do every day or you lose the benefits of the act. So when you slip up and do or say something kinda racist, you're not doomed, you're not necessarily a bad person or irredeemable from some terrible hell, you just forgot to brush your teeth and you should do that before you talk to anyone else.

carl agatha commented once on what a huge amount of work it is to be in a ltr/marriage in which both ppl are committed to nullifying patriarchy and its effects on them, and I've been trying to fully grasp that idea ever since she said it, and I think I just understood some part of that.

But now we're really into a different thread entirely.

two key quotes that jumped out at me from that lecture:

"In this paradox between love and desire, what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients that nurture love - mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry, responsibility for the other - are sometimes the very ingredients which stifle desire.
Because desire comes with a host of feelings: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness, mischief. Basically most of us will be turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day... if everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses, we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this. We think love comes with selflessness and in fact, desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness, in the best sense of the word."

"Erotic couples understand that passion waxes and wanes like the moon: it has intermittent eclipses. But what they know is how to resurrect it because they have demystified one big myth: the myth of spontaneity. They understood that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship already has. Committed sex is premeditated sex; it's willful, it's intentional, it's focused and present."

(jay smooth is an occassional poster here btw)

wait really

he's hungry4ass isn't he, i knew it

haha well more of an old poster really. i remember he replied to me here 90s/Lo-Fi Revivalism

Well if he reads this we totally namedropped him and his critique in our stoop talk yesterday.

http://thenewinquiry.com/essays/doing-it-wrong

http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/ucm458734.htm