why do i hate that artist thing that people keep posting on my facebook so much? why am i such a jerk?

wait til you see what this one enterprising message board poster did

It Will Make You Poop A Little

This One Kid Came Up With A Way To Make Energy Out Of Poop And Then They Killed Him Found Out Why

im about to call someone you love very much fat and youre not going to like it

wayyyy too specific

This One Kid Did Something Craptacular And What Happened Afterwards Will Make You Want To Throw Yourself And Your Loved Ones Into A Vat Of Boiling Razorblades

youll never believe what this one kid said about your mom

real ones:

Try To Watch Their Answers To A Beautiful Question And Not Smile. I Dare You.

Talk Show Host Makes All Other Hosts Look Absurd During Devastating Monologue

One Infographic You’ll Want To Take To The Grocery Store And Tape To Your Fridge

because that's where i keep my fridge. at the grocery store.

This One Kid In My First Grade Brought a Elephant To School

https://twitter.com/UpworthySpoiler

This one kid did something that will make you cry. And then you will kill him. And then you will die.

This One Twitter Did Something So Atrocious It'll Make Your Spleen Crawl Out Of Your Butt And Start Talking To You About Sports You Don't Watch

dont watch this video its too real for you you fucking coward half-man

real ones:

If You Listen To What These New Yorkers Say And Are Not Angry, You Live In Another World From Me

His Beautiful Philosophies About Life Will Make You Feel OK That We’re Running Out Of Oil

Watch A Man Playing Piano In His House After The Floods For A Heartbreaking Reason

took me three tries to get that first one

Adam Mordecai

I write stuff for Upworthy. I want my gay friends to be able to get married. I want my undocumented friends to gain citizenship. I want everyone to have healthcare. I want the media to do their job. And I want politicians to learn shame. Also, side note, I think Jon Stewart is some sort of oracle. You can find me on Twitter, like my stuff on Facebook, and read my long winded ranting on Quora.

Adam is the best:

Dear White People: Could You Please Do Something About Your Scarier White People?

A Country Killed A 16-Year-Old American Boy And Wouldn't Explain Why. Guess Which One.

His First 4 Sentences Are Interesting. The 5th Blew My Mind. And Made Me A Little Sick.

two people on my facebook shared that last one

Carolyn Silveira

I’m working on big ideas and a small garden. I believe there’s plenty of planet, plenty of money, and plenty of love to go around. People are my passion, and while talk is cheap, conversation is priceless. Follow me on Twitter to swap links and see pictures of my garden, and get loud and radical with me on Facebook.

This One Twitter Did Something So Atrocious It'll Make Your Spleen Crawl Out Of Your Butt And Start Talking To You About Sports You Don't Watch

― ^^ post obviously honoring and supporting Qualcomm (zachlyon), Thursday, September 19, 2013 3:07 AM (45 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

That made me laugh and laugh.

because that's where i keep my fridge. at the grocery store.

This follow up made me very happy.

Simpsons video was quite interesting, I couldn't watch it all in one sitting but it was really captivating for being both so foreign and so familiar.

beautifully, unapologetically plastic (mh)

Fuck you, birds

https://scontent-a-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/q71/s720x720/578483_401924979907573_283221902_n.jpg

Posted by a well-meaning but fairly dull posh chap, one of those who is always trying to fit in with the 'geeks' even though he isn't really one himself.

A Country Killed A 16-Year-Old American Boy And Wouldn't Explain Why. Guess Which One.

there must be millions of 16-year-old American boys. this is a stupid game

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1235111_10151983342593465_998021929_n.jpg

oops, huge, sorry.

That husband one makes me IA.
Actually so does the karma one.

Nice work, everybody.

The karma one makes me want to irrationally listen to Lords of Acid.

That husband one makes me IA.

Me too!

or are you RA?

ladies believe in yourselves --bob marley

there must be millions of 16-year-old American boys.

Nope, now there's 999,999.

The husband one reminds me of all those fucking advertisements with the hot wife doofus husband formula.

if your husband requires constant supervision, you may have made a mistake!

Or you may be married to an actual child! Check the laws in your area.

been in full busy working dad mode lately so really not appreciating that trope right now

It's super fucking insulting. It's also like the whole "men just don't see dirt the same way women do" crapola in that buttheads use it to excuse shitty/lazy behavior.

Like, I was in a diner for lunch a couple of weeks ago and they were playing the Steve Harvey show and he was doling out advice. One woman called in to ask how to deal with her husband and sons' habit of pissing all over the bathroom (she was very specific and said they would pee on the toilet, floor, walls, and sometimes towels) and Steve Harvey was like "Men just can't aim! You just have to deal with it!" And it's a good thing I was really into my minestrone soup or I might have just burned everything down right there.

waht

that guy is not helping the evolution of the perception of men

Personally I would have advised that woman to pack up and leave them all to their piss-soaked ways.

jesus what

geezus it's not like dicks have to be calibrated quarterly or anything. only time I've ever made any mess was when that weird 'dual stream' thing happens and that's usually when I'm very ill and I still clean it up.

sorry TMI but STeve Harvey offtm

if you live with other people you have to pull your standards up a lil or have shared dirtbag standards

tbh some of the messiest or grossest apartments I've been in were occupied by single women

sometimes i'll listen to the steve harvey morning show on my way to work, and he says stupid shit like this all the time. that's generally when i change the dial and forget he exists for a few months.

haha the dual stream thing, kind of never occurred to me that this actually happens to other people, even though seems kind of obvs now

I wonder if he is laughing to himself as he pisses all over the bathroom, assuming his wife has bought the lie that it's totally normal behavior

I have to admit, I almost didn't mention the dual stream thing for fear of sideeye, but it's good that someone...SOMEONE...out there understands this. This was the pep talk I needed this morning.

splitstream happens to EVERYONE I think, it's just that 99.99% of women wouldn't notice because they are sitting down

I wish I could make it happen on command

how i basically break it down to an extent:

1) pee is gross
2) if you are a male over the age of 10 and you can't get the wee-wee into the container, which is essentially as difficult as throwing a pebble in an ocean, then you need to have your face rubbed in it every time you make a mistake