Homemade Jokes

Come on electric

Do ra do ra do ah aye

What did the geometry pirate order from the pizzeria?

"Two pie, arrrrrr!"

Who is treeship's favourite singer?

Justin Timberlake!

whoa

leaf garrett

If a Minnehaha Falls in the forest...

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The E Train.
The E-Train wh--
WE ARE DELAYED BECAUSE OF TRAIN TRAFFIC AHEAD OF US.

So have you guys heard about the single malt scotch whiskey made entirely by Jews?

Glenepstien

Why did the man wear a frock and collar to the minimalist art center?

Because he thought they said he was going to be a deacon, not going to DIA Beacon!

what did edward snowden say when he heard the nsa was defunding its data collection center?

yottabyte me!

Did you guys hear Björk's re-releasing video art versions of all her records? No, really! She brought her husband into the studio to cremaster the original tapes!

lol

I hear Miley Cyrus is being sued by a company that makes foam appendages for sports fans. It's apparently a case of copyright infingerment.

Why was the bare-legged man kicked out of the grain field?

Because he was three wheats to the shin.

What's the worst thing your dad could say to you as you're giving him a blow-job?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

haha, that's down-home homemade humor right there.

The other day a woman asked me if I felt "secure" about the size of my penis. And the truth was, I had never really considered it in depth. Although I had given it some thought in length and breadth.

i've been sharing wins' heinrich mann one far and wide. its p. great, but doesn't seem to have universal appeal

I happen to think the Native Americans made the best camping shelters.

But that's just my Sioux tents.

*applause*

Hey you know that comedian who exposed himself to me on the subway? He emailed me to tell me he was sorry.

I told him he had a funny way of showing it.

"we went camping in one of those mongolian tents. but it collapsed"
"a yurt?"
"no, we were uninjured"

Did you guys hear Björk's re-releasing video art versions of all her records? No, really! She brought her husband into the studio to cremaster the original tapes!

― queen bey backers (Stevie D(eux)), Tuesday, January 21, 2014 9:46 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I laughed!

that's a 1%er if I ever heard one though

koogs I wholly approve of that one

Why didn't the grim reaper have to try out his blade before he purchased it?

Because it was one-scythe-fits-all.

haha

Did you hear about the construction worker who became a deconstruction worker?
He's now working for De Man

What did the sausage say to the scrambled egg?

"That guy's toast."

That's great!

Sorry:

Why did the black coffee dump his girlfriend?
Because she was a flat white.

Did you guys hear about the condor that signed with the Heat? He's taking his talons to Miami.

err South Beach. D'oh.

was his idol growing up Larry BIRD?

why would a bird sign with a professional basketball team? idgi.

Did you guys hear about Lady Justice signing with the Heat? She's taking her balance to South Beach.

Did you guys hear about Highlights Magazine signing with the Heat? They're taking their Gallants to South Beach.

why would a bird sign with a professional basketball team? idgi.

― the glimmer man (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, April 28, 2014 5:39 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Maybe he's signing with New Orleans?

because birds love beignets. i get it.

Today in the office lunchroom we were talking about legal marijuana, and I got some laughs for my suggestion of a marijuana shop and all-you-can-eat buffet called "Weed 'n' Feed" -- one of those jokes that was not actually hilarious but hit the spot in the context in an office lunchroom humor sort of way.

Then the dude sitting next to me goes "How about an all mac-and-cheese buffet called 'Mac 'n' Please'" Pindrop silence.

Came up with two. Have only said one of them out loud.

• I have always noticed this, but today it finally struck me that my dentist's office - located on a busy state highway next to a Schlotzsky's sandwich shop - has a brass sign out front denoting the building's distinguished status as being listed on the National Historic Places Registry.

So I told my dental hygenist, "Hey, I know how to refer my friends here! If you want to see pplains' dentist, just look for the plaque out front!"

She's been married for forty years, so I got one of those laughs.

• And this one I thought of the other night: "When it comes to texting, I'm all thumbs."

That dentist joke is gold.

Mac 'n' Please sounds like a real place!

More to the point, it doesn't sound like a joke?

It definitely does. People say that kind of stuff all the time in TV comedies.

It has a Liz Lemon quality to it.

Which Southern Rock band is most popular on the chitlin circuit?

Ynyrds Dynyrd

(Pron. Inn-ards Dinn-er'd)

what did lionel richie say when he learned treeship was a fan of the album "the velvet underground and nico"?

treezy likes "sunday morning"

used to have faith in estelas puns, but no more