why do i hate that artist thing that people keep posting on my facebook so much? why am i such a jerk?

Take that, Science

My DAD has started TEXTING me these (well, the 'some ecards' ones) as picture messages
What the actual fuck

https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/q71/1517479_10151900972662406_1556721635_n.jpg

i have seen that one so many times!

Was introduced to it on this thread. Still gives me a chuckle though, I'm easy.

Everything you do is based on the choices you make.

"based on", eh? this guy obviously hasn't noticed, but it's turtles all the way down!

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1472846_773346756013227_1839481033_n.jpg

these things are unique to women? I don't get it.

they seem neither unique to women nor especially common to women

exactly.

women be pushin those pull doors!

My wife, always trying to get stuff done before the microwave finishes, amirite guys? What is with that?

so much microwaving, so much stuff to be done

people who open the microwave w/ remainder time and don't clear it. Brian? Stone? Somebody get on the case.

--Sojourner Truth

kind of a Tina Fey-esque feminine self-deprecation gone awry there

How to live like a king for very little
By THOR HARRIS

1. Don’t smoke cigarettes.
2. Drive old Japanese cars. Easy and cheap to fix & they run for fucking ever.
3. Buy most of your groceries from the produce section. Most of that other shit is not actually food. You don’t need it.
4. Ride your bike instead of driving as much as you can. You need the exercise and gas is expensive.
5. Don’t have kids. They’re not miracles, they’re people. 7 billion is too fucking many. Find some other way to give your dull existence some meaning. BTW they’re expensive.
6. Get your clothes from thrift stores. With the physique you’ll have from riding your bike, you’ll look hot wearing anything.
7. Learn to fix things. Tons of great books and youtube vids on fixing anything. Or ask an old dude. People used to fix things. No shit.
8. Learn a trade – Carpentry, plumbing, electrical, auto mechanics, tailoring, computer/electronics repair, something They can’t fucking outsource. No one gives a shit about your Masters in Dostoyevsky…. fix something, dumbass, fix something!
9. If you like booze, drink at home with your neighbors. Drunk driving is for assholes, rich ones with lawyers.
10. Do people favors. It’s called Cooperation. It’s how the world worked before money. They will return the favor, or someone will. No shit. This really works.
11. Make things – Look around you. What do you see? Yah, shitty stuff made by impoverished enslaved people far away. Pick anything. Make a better one. People want good shit. You won’t get rich, but you’ll get by.
12. If you live in America – don’t get sick and avoid injury. Wear your fucking helmet and put lights on your bike.
13. Find work you love. If you can’t do that, then find a job where you love the people.
14. Junkies and addicts are like toddlers. They just want to shit all over you and everything. The messes they make can get expensive. Avoid them if you can.
15. Don’t buy shit on credit, remember what happened to America? Cash only, fuckers. Can’t afford it? Don’t fucking buy it!
16. Preventable expenses - STD’s, abortions, DWI’s, lung cancer, head injuries, speeding tickets, cirrhosis of the liver.
17. Don’t go on fancy dates if you’re not fancy. Most people kind of despise the rich anyway.
18. When you go see shows, bring a flask in. That way you can afford to buy a record.
19. If you had told me 15 years ago that Coca Cola would put tap water in plastic bottles and motherfuckers would BUY IT …… No fuckin way.
20. Don’t get cable. Asshole. There is nothing on. I promise. $100 a month ? Fuck no!
This list was edited by Stacey Yates with contributions from Jherek Bishoff, Chad Raines & Amanda Palmer. We live in a wasteful society. Live well. It don’t take much. Really.

http://monofonuspress.com/how-to-live-like-a-king-for-very-little-by-thor-harris

kings don't live like that

some of those seem pretty otm, esp #18

King Toolbag the Joyless

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_children_of_Ramesses_II

Amanda Palmer

http://monofonuspress.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/thor-witch-hat.jpeg

17. Don’t go on fancy dates if you’re not fancy. Most people kind of despise the rich anyway.

it is a pretty good list. wonder which ones are amanda's.

3. Buy most of your groceries from the produce section. Most of that other shit is not actually food. You don’t need it.

otm except for the "produce going bad faster than non-food" aspect

I am always struck actually how much higher quality food you can eat for the same weekly bill if you just don't buy any foods that qualify as "snacks" "soft drinks" or frozen/readymade/instant foods.

probably better off in a lot of cases buying frozen vegetables though

yeah that's true. We tend to buy both.

when I said "frozen" I mainly meant microwavables

that's not thor from swans is it?

if so ;_;

lol jesus christ, what a nice combination of the worst of neolibs AND neocons

19. If you had told me 15 years ago that Coca Cola would put tap water in plastic bottles and motherfuckers would BUY IT …… No fuckin way.
20. and how about those fuckin airline peanuts fuckin fuck
live fast die young i'm 50 fuckin years old xoxo swans/amanda

the mike muir from suicidal tendencies one is still funny

i am so disappointed in him

not mike muir
thor

why

take one generic list advice
sprinkle with a few choice R rated words
post next to picture of intense guy with a beard

because i think writing a list like that makes him seem like an asshole (even if i agree with him about many of those things)
that's just the internet though i guess
unless he's angling to be a cult leader, and in that case i guess i'm a little more interested in the list

but mostly it made him seem like a different kind of jerk than i expected, thereby disappointing me

i shoulda known when i saw them this summer and the guy next to me, who was extremely irritating and not very smart, kept yelling THOR THOR THOR

lists in that "voice" remind me of this

http://youtu.be/5xillqqt0Y0

no shit

21. No shit. No shit!

reminds me of this

http://youtu.be/o5APM3LIPdw

it's disappointing because it makes it seem like he's auditioning for real world: austin.

lol exactly
it's undignified

How to Tour in a Band or Whatever
by Thor Harris

1-Don’t Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. goddamn.
2-If you fart, claim it.
3-Don’t Lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Don’t fucking do it. Asshole.
4-Don’t fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.
5-If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you… a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most don’t.
6-Remember the soundman’s name. He will do a better job.
7- Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
8-Masturbate. Duh… Where & when? Be creative. You’re an artist right?
9-If YOU can’t carry your suitcase 3 blocks, it’s too goddamn big.
10-Respect public space in the van. Don’t clutter, you Fuck.
11-If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
12-Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enuf people there, it’s their fault.
13- Driver picks the music.
14-One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.
15-Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.
16-Don’t wander off. Let someone know where you are.
17-Clean up after yourself. What are you… a goddamn toddler?
18-Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So don’t make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
19-Fast food is Poison.
20-The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
21- Don’t evaluate your whole life while you’re sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think you’re above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your goddamn job.

This list was written under the influence of lots of esspresso & anti-depressants while on tour w/ such greats as Shearwater, Swans, Smog, Lisa Germano, Angels of Light, Bill Callahan & many more. I hope this list will help you get along w/ your co-workers whatever your job is. Contributions to the list by Jordan Geiger, Kimberly Burke, Brian Orloff, Brian Phillips Celebrity Gang Bang, Kevin Schneider, Jonathan Meiburg, Michael Gira and some other folks.

Thanks for not being an asshole,
Thor Harris

1-Don’t Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. goddamn.

I wish Lisa Germano would do a list.

18. When you go see shows, bring a flask in. That way you can afford to buy a record.

this is a p fucked up rule from a bartender's POV