shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

sounds like denial, depression is not a good money maker

Women: Hot Guys Don’t Drive Mail Trucks
http://cdn.govexec.com/media/img/upload/2014/02/18/021814mailtrucksGE/medium.jpg

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2579884/Perrie-Edwards-mums-fury-Holby-City-story-line-deranged-fan-plots-decapitate-singer-rusty-chainsaw-obsession-1Ds-Zayn-Malik.html

publish-books-burn-them-alley

xpost looks more like a daily mash article

apologies for two Mail links in a row but this is great

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1/1545560_653608554700595_73441332_n.png

lol what the fucking fuck

ws time distortion pill

Ellie Lolzwhatthefuckingfuck

futuristic techniques in torture is pretty much exactly what we should expect from the mail adding its new profile as a tech-forward news enterprise to its traditional profile

Correctional policy ideas from a 12-year-old boy

"New Technology To Extend Criminal Suffering Until The Nightmares Stop And We Can Finally Live A Normal Life After What That Bastard Did And Not Have To Look Over Our Shoulder When Doing Something As Mundane As Going To Get Groceries Or Even Go Outside For That Manner"

Fans time vasectomies for NCAA tourney

"If you are going to be laid up on the couch for a few days, you might as well get (a vasectomy) done when there is some great college basketball on TV," said Mike LaSalle, a 40-year-old father of two who had a vasectomy Friday. "You had all the conference championship games over the weekend and the NCAA tourney starts this week."

makes sense

Courtney Love claims to have found missing Malaysian Airlines plane http://nme.assets.ipccdn.co.uk/themes/default/static_images/buy_ticket_button_green.jpg

BUY TICKETS!

excellent

Mad Men's Creator: Don Draper Represents American Society

lmao

Georgia lawmakers pass controversial ‘guns everywhere’ bill

don't know if this 100% fits the thread, but it's a very embarrassing profile that might as well be called "Adam Driver: Why Is He So Hot?"

http://www.bkmag.com/2014/03/03/a-man-among-girls-adam-driver/

Tattoo of gun leads to SWAT standoff

wha?

http://i872.photobucket.com/albums/ab286/pstlpkr/josephstalin.jpg

i'm guessing it's related to this - http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/maine-man-sparks-police-standoff-gun-tattoo-stomach-article-1.1726889

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1726887.1395251294!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_1200/gun-tattoo.jpg

what a dumb fucking tattoo

what a dumb fucking tattoo

― balls, Saturday, March 22, 2014 4:55 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol sometimes my clipboard refuses to copy the right thing, yes it's that story

it's probably wrong to say "someone that stupid deserves to be shot" but...

some of his other tattoos are even dumber.

http://blog.caranddriver.com/puppy-potential-volkswagen-teams-with-rspca-to-teach-dogs-to-drive

Posted April 1

DEA Chief: Please, Think Of The Dogs Before You Legalize Pot

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/02/dogs-marijuana-pets_n_5078556.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

xp - article notes it was an april fools joke played on the magazine editors (FR5T APR number plate etc.), but being a regular C/D reader am rather sure it's not their joke on the readers. Good Onionesque headline in any case.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/pakistan/10745630/Pakistani-9-month-old-baby-accused-of-attempted-murder.html

but mostly sad

https://roadtrippers.com/blog/harvard-discovers-three-of-its-library-books-are-bound-in-human-flesh

Of course, if this was from The Onion, the three books would be Fifty Shades of Grey, Kenny Loggins' autobiography, and Jimmy Carter's Revolutionary War novel.

Not my discovery, but:

Parrot put on Prozac after being left in garage for three years after repeating screaming name of owner's dead wife

^after repeatedly screaming

aw. parrots are easily mentally damaged things.

yeah that's a horribly sad story

I don't know about this "owning a pet with a longer lifespan than you that also mimics the English language."

christ that bird looks horrifying

You should see Sarah these days.

Laboratory-grown vaginas implanted in patients

I've been wondering what Cronenberg was up to.

he's been fairly prolific over the last few years

The full headline is closer to an actual news story but the headline I first saw on twitter was "Vice Journalist Smokes Marijuana During Interview": http://t.co/sRQ1Mf1v4H

Ragtag Team of Rogue Chihuahuas Terrorizing Arizona Town

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/7830524/German-throws-puppy-at-Hells-Angels-bikers-then-flees-on-bulldozer.html

"What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently unclear,"

Arkansas ex-cop killed while trying to set anti-corruption blogger’s hot dog cart on fire

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/19/arkansas-ex-cop-killed-while-trying-to-set-anti-corruption-bloggers-hot-dog-cart-on-fire/

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/video-josie-cunningham-plans-abortion-3434350#ixzz2zQCVM59q"

http://www.theguardian.com/world/gallery/2014/apr/21/obama-easter-bunny-egg-roll-white-house

"Barack Obama kisses first lady Michelle Obama alongside a masked adult dressed as a towering, man-sized rabbit whose unblinking eyes never stray from the president and his wife."