Iirc I was like, "Uh, did you ask my dad?" because I knew that it would be an issue.
― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, 14 July 2014 13:37 (nine years ago) link
i know that a lot of the gendered traditions of marriage are observed pretty harmlessly now and i have no problem w/ the bride wearing the big dress and getting most of the attention, there really is something especially icky about the idea that a grown woman's future is something to be discussed privately by her father and boyfriend before she's brought into the convo.
― some dude, Monday, 14 July 2014 13:38 (nine years ago) link
It is totally weird and antiquated but I honestly don't even think for my dad that it would have been anything more than a symbolic gesture of respect or something. In his mind that's just how it's done and I don't think actual permission or ownership or saying no or anything like that would have even entered his thoughts. He's big up on manners and politeness and things like that in general. Not saying it's right but I think that's just how he would have thought about it. He's old.
― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, 14 July 2014 13:42 (nine years ago) link
yeah i understand it as a pretty neutral gesture of respect/manners, which is probably all it is for most families these days. still, the subtext of the whole thing.
― some dude, Monday, 14 July 2014 13:44 (nine years ago) link
I didn't ask but took the five years of 'so when is the wedding?' as tacit approval. Had I asked her dad, I'm sure her sisters would found out and they can't keep a secret.
― Wristy Hurlington (ShariVari), Monday, 14 July 2014 13:48 (nine years ago) link
I asked, not even thinking it was a big deal or that I needed to, but later, when my wife's sister got engaged and the guy didn't ask, her father was mad at him.
― relentlessly pecking at peace (President Keyes), Monday, 14 July 2014 13:51 (nine years ago) link
enbb otm
― blap setter (darraghmac), Monday, 14 July 2014 13:54 (nine years ago) link
You have to know the family you're marrying into IMO; some will not care and others will care A LOT. I knew my wife's family would care and I knew she wasn't writing them off any time soon, so causing unnecessary conflict was not part of my plan for how we would start our engagement.
― Star Gentle Uterus (DJP), Monday, 14 July 2014 13:56 (nine years ago) link
Thought this was a viking hermeneutics thread, tbh
― 龜, Monday, 14 July 2014 13:59 (nine years ago) link
another option might be would I check it out with her whether or not I should check it out with him before asking her
its a minefield.
fwiw you'd def be expected to do the trad thing here first, and whether or not land would be discussed at that stage still prob a chance down home home
― blap setter (darraghmac), Monday, 14 July 2014 14:02 (nine years ago) link
good point.
― how's life, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:06 (nine years ago) link
no one's parents were asked to approve my marriagehowever, once a long time ago a boyfriend wrote a letter of introduction to my parents (we were in another country and he couldn't meet them irl given the circs) and i thought that was extremely polite and nice
― La Lechera, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:06 (nine years ago) link
they couldn't read it, but it was a nice thing to do
― La Lechera, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:07 (nine years ago) link
I was pretty nervous and jet-lagged. Never really crossed my mind to ask her mother, but if it had, it would've been something like "I might ask your daughter to marry me while we're away. But if I don't, let's just forget we ever had this conversation."
― pplains, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:16 (nine years ago) link
"Is that okay with you?"
"My name's P. Plains, btw. I've heard a lot about you."
― pplains, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:17 (nine years ago) link
i took a room in the new house of some friends, an old guy friend of mine and his relatively recent fiancee. when her parents came to visit and i had been scarce i heard some grumbling from her father about 'if he's gonna be living in MY DAUGHTER'S house i have the right to check him out'
whereas my feeling was more like, hey buddy i live here, YOU'RE the stranger
needless to say he checked the prospective husband out pretty thoroughly too
― j., Monday, 14 July 2014 14:18 (nine years ago) link
This is fascinating, I had no idea anyone at all did this! It never even crossed my mind. I would be shocked if my father had asked my mother's parents' permission, and they got married in 1969.
― Guayaquil (eephus!), Monday, 14 July 2014 14:22 (nine years ago) link
I see these Facebook photos (and Gr8080's mentioned seeing this at his former hotel jobs) where there's a Zapruder-like photographer shooting photos of the man proposing to the woman on the beach somewhere when afterward, here comes her whole damn family, in on the secret the whole time!
I've lived in the same area for 19/20's of my life and I have no idea what possesses these people to do such a thing.
― pplains, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:32 (nine years ago) link
I think at this point if anyone asked my dad for his permission to propose to me, my dad would be like "Does Laurel know we're having this conversation?" But that is because he knows ME. I'm sure he has no objection to it as a "polite" if outdated practice.
Speaking of politeness, just because it has passed into a quaint cultural convention doesn't change the fact that considering it "disrespectful" is because of the idea that the groom is taking property out of the father's household without his consent.
In general tho whatever the bride is down with, I figure. At this point, the dude should probably know what she'd want.
― Orson Wellies (in orbit), Monday, 14 July 2014 14:33 (nine years ago) link
I'm going to demand a dowry in at least five-figures, even if it's a same-sex marriage.
― pplains, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:37 (nine years ago) link
lol that song is amazing...ly lame
― Orson Wellies (in orbit), Monday, 14 July 2014 14:42 (nine years ago) link
I didn't ask permission.
― Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Monday, 14 July 2014 14:45 (nine years ago) link
i want to try to make a joke about getting the potential spouse and her family in on a conference call to take care of business efficiently, but i don't want to be pigeonholed as someone who only of life through the lens of conference calls
in other words it's up to readers of this thread to make up the dumb joke
― Karl Malone, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:50 (nine years ago) link
You should ask the same 8-second question repeatedly to her dad, while blurring into the sofa you're sitting on and coming back clear each time.
― pplains, Monday, 14 July 2014 14:57 (nine years ago) link
I would find it pretty disrespectful to me and my own autonomy as a human being if my prospective partner thought someone else had the right to determine whether I should be allowed to marry.
― emil.y, Monday, 14 July 2014 15:17 (nine years ago) link
if I'm only marrying the hand I'll ask the woman it's attached to
― guwop (crüt), Monday, 14 July 2014 15:19 (nine years ago) link
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lsr7cGe6m1Y/TwD0TC-rd_I/AAAAAAAAYRY/oK4ze2nj3Us/s1600/EvilDead2_081Pyxurz.jpg
― emil.y, Monday, 14 July 2014 15:23 (nine years ago) link
heh
― blap setter (darraghmac), Monday, 14 July 2014 15:29 (nine years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hN89U_XD9E
― 龜, Monday, 14 July 2014 15:29 (nine years ago) link
Would never do this its a bullshit thing to do
My brother did it and he made a big deal of meeting up with the guy & gave this big rehearsed speech about how he was in love with this dude's daughter & wanted to spend the rest of his life with her &c and the dad just said "that'll be nice"
― when there's no more room in heㄥㄥ the thread will walk the earth (wins), Monday, 14 July 2014 15:29 (nine years ago) link
Yeah, we barely asked each other. It was sort of like, "Well, you need health insurance and you can't get on my student benefits unless we're married (thanks, Catholic law school!) so we might as well go to the courthouse."
OTM. We would've married eventually but health coverage was the shotgun. We did the city hall thing, brought 4 friends and my wife's sister with us. At least we took the ferry to a different city hall (Staten Island, ooh fancy).
I did NOT ask her dad for permission and we kept him completely in the dark til it was all done. He would have done everything in his power to keep it from happening (poss incl having me roughed up) and failing that would have tried to be as involved as he could be. Her mom didn't care either way. However, I did ask my own mom for permission, kind of. I needed to know she would be more or less okay with it. She was.
― Neil Sekada (Jon Lewis), Monday, 14 July 2014 15:35 (nine years ago) link
I was 30. She was 35 and had been previously married. Asking for 'consent to marry' never even crossed our minds. I could see it, possibly, if the couple were still very young and had some expectations of financial support from their parents to help get themselves established. In that case, you wouldn't want to burn any bridges if you could avoid it.
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, 14 July 2014 17:08 (nine years ago) link
my wife was estranged from her father at the time (long story, but at that point we weren't even sure he was alive/where he was), and her relationship with her mother was po tempestuous (no way was her mother going to tell me know) so no I didn't ask permission
― Οὖτις, Monday, 14 July 2014 17:13 (nine years ago) link
I asked because I knew it was an unnecessary formality that would go over like gangbusters with my in-laws and my wife thought it was adorable.
― Star Gentle Uterus (DJP), Monday, July 14, 2014 3:36 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark
― Euler, Monday, 14 July 2014 17:14 (nine years ago) link
― Euler, Monday, July 14, 2014 5:14 PM (42 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
― Bus Sex Teen Busted After Queef Beef (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 14 July 2014 17:15 (nine years ago) link
Buttering up the future in-laws, eh? I'd go easy on that approach.
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, 14 July 2014 17:16 (nine years ago) link
ime a good rel with the in-laws is a means to all kinds of security
― Euler, Monday, 14 July 2014 17:19 (nine years ago) link
Good relations with in-laws are U&K, but they can usually be established on a firmer basis if one doesn't resort to insincere flattery.
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, 14 July 2014 17:22 (nine years ago) link
why you gotta be so rude, Aimless?
― Star Gentle Uterus (DJP), Monday, 14 July 2014 17:25 (nine years ago) link
its good that Aimless knows so much about our specific situations.
― Bus Sex Teen Busted After Queef Beef (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:01 (nine years ago) link
I seem to have a defective internal filter. Do you know where I can go to have it fixed?
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:18 (nine years ago) link
considering i needed her grandmothers diamond for the ring i kind of didnt have an option wrt this
― Everyone is awful except you. Wait, no, you are also awful. (jjjusten), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:36 (nine years ago) link
i suppose i could have broken in
assuming thats not the firmer basis you were shooting for
― Everyone is awful except you. Wait, no, you are also awful. (jjjusten), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:37 (nine years ago) link
"sorry about the bags over the heads and all but i didnt want to seem like i was brown-nosing"
― Everyone is awful except you. Wait, no, you are also awful. (jjjusten), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:39 (nine years ago) link
maybe you should have broken into the house to ask them permission to come back and steal the ring at a later time
― Star Gentle Uterus (DJP), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:41 (nine years ago) link
ask for permission. ask for the diamond. months later reveal the questions were not related but thanks!
― bnw, Monday, 14 July 2014 18:52 (nine years ago) link
triumphantly ride off into the sunset on your new Vespa
― Star Gentle Uterus (DJP), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:54 (nine years ago) link
I asked because I knew it was an unnecessary formality that would go over like gangbusters with my in-laws and my wife thought it was adorable.― Star Gentle Uterus (DJP), Monday, July 14, 2014 8:36 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
Samesies
― it's not a fedora, it's a trill bae (m bison), Monday, 14 July 2014 18:55 (nine years ago) link
ride off into the sunset on your new Vespa
I've got a feeling that the relative poverty of both my family and wife's family has forged a different set of family traditions around marriage.
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, 14 July 2014 19:39 (nine years ago) link
I proposed in Boston, where my wife is from, and we were staying at her mother's over the weekend. I woke up early the day I was going to propose and wound up having a really nice, long talk with her mom over coffee. It felt weird keeping the ring in my pocket a secret, so I told her, though I definitely didn't phrase it as a request for approval. She'd already sprung a "when are you guys getting married?" a few months earlier at our apartment over scrabble, and i knew her dad thought i was awesome too.
For the most part, she did a good job not giving anything away when my now-wife woke up, though mom-in-law-to-be was apparently unusually concerned that wife-to-be washed her hair before we went out for the day.
I'd ask for permission if it was DJP's scenario, where you're just adding the joy throguh formality. But if I even remotely saw rudeness on the horizon i'd probably pass.
― da croupier, Monday, 14 July 2014 19:39 (nine years ago) link
ride off into the sunset on your new VespaI've got a feeling that the relative poverty of both my family and wife's family has forged a different set of family traditions around marriage.― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, July 14, 2014 7:39 PM (6 minutes ago)
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, July 14, 2014 7:39 PM (6 minutes ago)
i wait what
― Everyone is awful except you. Wait, no, you are also awful. (jjjusten), Monday, 14 July 2014 19:46 (nine years ago) link
He's just bitter he didn't get a wedding Vespa like the rest of us.
― carl agatha, Monday, 14 July 2014 19:52 (nine years ago) link
― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, July 14, 2014 9:37 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
please tell me this was your immediate response (ie, before you'd affirmed or denied his request)
― Neanderthal, Monday, 14 July 2014 19:53 (nine years ago) link
carl agatha otm. only got a blender.
― frog latin (Aimless), Monday, 14 July 2014 19:55 (nine years ago) link
...and Aimless rode off into the sunset on his new blender.
― carl agatha, Monday, 14 July 2014 19:57 (nine years ago) link
weird method of 'roid treatment but ymmv
― Neanderthal, Monday, 14 July 2014 20:00 (nine years ago) link
http://victoryatl.com/img/pageheaders/2013/ph_married_life_b_595x250.png
― relentlessly pecking at peace (President Keyes), Monday, 14 July 2014 20:00 (nine years ago) link
RIP gabbneb.
― guwop (crüt), Monday, 14 July 2014 20:02 (nine years ago) link
the nebb and flow of marriage
xpost GODDAMMIT FUCK SHIT PISS
― Neanderthal, Monday, 14 July 2014 20:02 (nine years ago) link
I don't think anything has ever met my preconceived expectations as completely as the GIS result for "wedding Vespa" did.
― carl agatha, Monday, 14 July 2014 20:05 (nine years ago) link
LOL, no. I didn't think about it until I called my parents to tell them. As I was dialing their number it occurred to me that this might be an issue and I was pretty sure that he hadn't (which was totally fine with me for the record). So I called them and, sure enough, after a couple mins my dad mentioned it and then I had to be like, um, he wants to talk to you and I think he wants you to retroactively ask if it's OK. :/ It was so fucking weird but I honestly think it was more of like one of those things that in his day that's how it was done and he thought it was just a nice thing and felt slightly hurt. I don't think he would have ever thought of it as giving away his property or actually thought to say anything other than sure.
― Airwrecka Bliptrap Blapmantis (ENBB), Monday, 14 July 2014 20:05 (nine years ago) link
my SO's father said he would say "no" to any one who asked, just to watch them squirm/mock the absurdity of it all. good fella.
― franklin, Monday, 14 July 2014 20:07 (nine years ago) link
I dreamt the night a few weeks back that I was on a group holiday with louise nurding and she asked me out and we fell in love and were gonna get married and we went to the airport and she said my dads brought my bags and I went to the car to get them and it was ms mac's aul fella glaring at me I woke up in bits
― blap setter (darraghmac), Monday, 14 July 2014 20:33 (nine years ago) link
I would be extremely put off if someone I was going to marry asked my parents for my hand in marriage. Like, I would consider it an indication that it would not be a good match after all.
This times 10000. I am also 10000% sure that if asked, my father would act faux confused and say, "shouldn't you be asking *her*?"
― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 14 July 2014 21:25 (nine years ago) link
also jesus h is creepy hand model creepy!
― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 14 July 2014 21:30 (nine years ago) link
Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.
― System, Saturday, 19 July 2014 00:01 (nine years ago) link
her parents are dead. thanks thread.
― ian, Saturday, 19 July 2014 00:30 (nine years ago) link
Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.
― System, Sunday, 20 July 2014 00:01 (nine years ago) link
it never even occurred to me to ask. and he didn't come to the wedding because we didn't invite his insane wife (we'd seen her act at a sibling's wedding)
― mookieproof, Sunday, 20 July 2014 00:33 (nine years ago) link
did not ask. did not vote.
― chikungunya manatee (Sufjan Grafton), Sunday, 20 July 2014 01:16 (nine years ago) link