Swiping people left and right: the Tinder/hook-up culture discussion

xp man alive yeah that sounds legit, better to be honest about intention and call it off early

i've been thinking about this and i realized that in order to know whether i want to associate with someone, i only feel totally comfortable when i'm able to see how they treat other people. i need to observe their behavior a little bit. this is another reason it's important to meet ppl irl. it works on ilx too, but okc or dating app wouldn't really allow you to see that sort of thing.

― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 6:41 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A woman I know once told me this. It is something so obvious, practical and common sense yet I realised almost no one I had ever met thought like this. Or, more precisely, few people I had met chose a serious mate based on this concept. That in itself was a shock to me, which is why I was initially so shocked by its practicality when she told me it.

? that's what the first date is for

xp man alive yeah that sounds legit, better to be honest about intention and call it off early

― Nhex, Tuesday, December 16, 2014 1:52 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Yeah, I mean point being that it's an example I think of of people who were "cool with whatever" when they were younger who hit an age where suddenly they realize they're not.

imo the only benefit of apps and websites is to meet people you might otherwise never run into in your life as-is. you only have so many friends-of-friends, work acquaintances, neighborhood whoevers. other than that, the technology doesn't really do anything. you still have to do whatever it is you do when you meet someone.

i mean, it used to be your parents or busybodies from your church doing this stuff; thank god those days are long gone

or they've experienced enough "whatever" to know what they're not cool with xp

? that's what the first date is for

― goole, Tuesday, December 16, 2014 8:02 PM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

not the people i know. but i guess that says more of those around me. i'm sure it is much more common in other circles, so i believe what you say. hope this doesn't sound too 'contradictory'/paradoxical

if you don't notice how your dates/friends treat others, you should probably think about how you treat others

it has nothing to do with noticing, it has more to do with what qualities you prioritise in your mate, your previous experiences in relationships, and many other variables.

i'm sure many people live clear-cut lives, but many others are stuck in the complexities of relationships, trauma, love, etc.

I have no idea what a clear-cut life is, but basic human interactions with others are a clear indicator of how you're going to interact, long-term

i think in theory i agree with you, and try to act that way myself, but unfortunately human interactions aren't always laid out simply and people don't talk about their feelings/intentions. i think favouring healthy relationships is obviously a start, but relationships don't seem so 'logical' and intentions are not so 'clear-cut', is what i'm saying. a large portion of 'casual' relationships are based on an "absence of decision"...which is what i guess you guys are calling "cool w whtvr".

and people are not always themselves in the first few dates. there's always this motivation to impress and overcompensate. and asking a slew of serious/interrogatory questions will put your date off pretty soon, i'd wager. but maybe this is a generational thing.

I think we're talking about more key things you can pick up on right away, like "does this person treat the wait staff of a restaurant like human beings"

is being visibly terrified of everyone a swipe left or swipe right?

nb i don't know which direction is the positive one

kind of nervously swipe back and forth until the card flies off the screen

I think we're talking about more key things you can pick up on right away, like "does this person treat the wait staff of a restaurant like human beings"

― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 8:23 PM (7 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i'm not sure how that is a key thing, unless you notice your date is treating them poorly. If they treatment them normally/politely, i wouldn't think the person is necessarily a better person. but yeah, this is part of what different people prioritise, i suppose.

in my experience, most people around me have not mistreated waiters, so it's hard to tell who they really were based on these general human interactions, where everyone kind of acts accordingly--i want to say basic human decency?

you have been lucky enough not to run into people who lack decency, then!

also stuff like "does this person frequently make jokes at the expense of others" or "does this person get into heated arguments over petty things" -- does this person have a baseline level of personal integrity? no profile would be able to tell me that. i'd have to see it for myself.

xp

yeah, i'm willing to concede to that, because i spent most of my life in a medium-sized city. huge cities tend to be pretty surreal to me, so yeah

LL otm, also people who talk over you in person or don't seem interested in engaging with what you're saying -- it's harder to fake that online.

I have no idea what size of the city has to do with it! I've seen people be jerks everywhere.

also stuff like "does this person frequently make jokes at the expense of others" or "does this person get into heated arguments over petty things" -- does this person have a baseline level of personal integrity? no profile would be able to tell me that. i'd have to see it for myself.

― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 9:31 PM (16 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

While this is entirely true, one gets a sense of another person fairly quickly though right? Three or four emails back and forth, how the other person reacts, tells you loads no? I've not had a single bad experience with internet dating. And certainly no things like people acting rude in public or anything. Intuition and a general sense of the other person, even if only after a couple of letters, weeds out traits like this. At least it has done for me. (But then I haven't tried tinder and always write with someone for a week or two first)

Three or four emails back and forth, how the other person reacts, tells you loads no?
It tells you loads of stuff that they're willing to show you. Not the full picture by any stretch. I don't trust people easily though -- this is probably already abundantly clear.

is being visibly terrified of everyone a swipe left or swipe right?

― example (crüt), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 3:24 PM (41 minutes ago) Bookmark

You found the girl from Pomplamoose on Tinder?

Three or four emails back and forth, how the other person reacts, tells you loads no?

It tells you loads of stuff that they're willing to show you. Not the full picture by any stretch. I don't trust people easily though -- this is probably already abundantly clear.

― vigetable (La Lechera), Tuesday, December 16, 2014 10:00 PM (23 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Didn't want to be disrespectful LL, and am sorry if it came across that way. And I truly understand. The full story cannot be told in a couple of emails, I agree. No one can, we - the 'good ones', the ones not meaning harm - can't. My experience has been solely pleasant so far, even if it didn't work out in the end; the basics of mutual respect and kindness were always there. And I do believe I knew they would be, after having written or communicating for a couple of weeks. But not having gone through bad experiences myself, I realize I am easy to speak on this perhaps.

we - the 'good ones', the ones not meaning harm

making a lot of assumptions here *purses lips*

Yeah I know :)

dating app required for ppl who dont like ppl

http://gawker.com/tinder-is-dead-1683394434

alternately,

http://domesticity.gawker.com/the-only-tinder-opening-line-you-need-1681214764

Everything about dating is depressing

RIP

for a while i was openning with just "nice"

it actually worked pretty well, a typical interaction would be

me: nice
girl: lol
me: ;-)
me: sup

and then it just took off from there. but then a super beautiful girl unmatched me first shot so i stopped

this guy 3v4n dub1n$ky, kind of a douchey but hilarious promoter from montreal has been writing articles for an online website thats kind of the pheonix that rose from the local alt-weekly's ashes, i only read the first one but it was pretty hilarious & on point. there's a whole series now

http://cultmontreal.com/2014/11/tinder-dates/

tinder seems skewed really young tho? i'm 23 and it makes me feel old

There's no good way to tell you this but... you're old

jesus flopson is still only 23, and that's still ancient

yeah i am as much as 2 flopsons w/ a little powdered flopsons on top

age ain't nothin but a #old

just caught up with this thread, lots of good discussion all around.

my personal feeling/experience is that tinder/okc are obviously flawed and cant replicate irl interactions, but they've also helped me counter my flawed approach to meeting women irl.

i dated/hooked up with lots of women i would have never thought twice about talking to irl, either because sizing them up at a bar/party/etc just wouldn't have been likely do anything for me in the way of interest or attraction, or because i was too intimidated or would never be at a bar/party/etc with them in the first place.

its easy to assume that shopping for people based on carefully-groomed profiles is gross and makes you picky beyond reason, but the opposite has proven true for me more than once

gr80, your experiences and perspective are both insightful and inspirational. thanks.

def agree about it making you consider people you otherwise wouldn't have

has anyone tried hinge?

heard it was for swingers

lol

Haaaaaa

loool

Nice

I feel way more comfortable chatting people up on OKC than Tinder. I've taken to using Tinder strictly as a delivery system for lil' ego bossts whenever I get a new match. just a collection of sexy, approving digital heads I never interact with

I'm trying this out and it's not really working because I reflexively swipe left 98% of the time. How do you decide, beyond attractiveness and type, you actually "like someone"? Or is it really just a matter of throwing caution to the wind and liking anyone you're attracted to, then contacting them to find out if they're actually interesting and not some right-wing douchebag or whatever?

lol, i also just realized my age on facebook is 77 (as opposed to 27). Might change that...