Homemade Jokes

being that i first heard that >10 yrs ago i suspect he dint make it up

still good tho

Ha yeah I figured as much :)

Yeah I heard that some time ago too, still funny. It's possible he thinks he made it up though I guess

We all know the famous Greek playwrights Euripedes and Eumenides. But have you read about the great Greek shopkeepers of that time -- Eubreakades and Eubiades?

I lol'd

haha that's a good one

hahahahaha!

I feel like I'm going to use that one as a *dad joke* when my kids are older.

that joke would immediately mitigate the next Asterix book, if there's another one coming out.

i used that one on a seven year old recently and even with no frame of reference, she loved it.

Two rabbits are sitting on a log. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, I hear there's a new bar opening up in town. We should check it out."
The second rabbit says, "Nah. From what I hear, they always water shit down."

ha !

Nice.

How did Shakespeare write the dialogue for his Master P-ces?
He made 'em say "Uhhh… Anon, anon."

"I'm getting ready to transport my CD collection to my new apartment."
"Didja pack?"
"No, most of them are jewel cases."

"I'm getting ready to transport my CD collection to my new apartment."
"Are you going to throw them into a big pile and carry them with your hands?"
"No... I'm going to use case logic."

Lmaoooooo

Neil Young is hanging out at a party when a guy walks up to him and goes, "Hey, man, is that an angora sweater?"
He shakes his head and says, "No, son. Everybody knows this is Mohair."

ok this actually happened to a friend of mine recently, (relies on the American lady's accent)

(American lady): "So do you read much?"

(British guy): "Yes, I read when I'm in bed"

(American lady): "Do you use a Kindle?"

(British guy): "No I have a bedside lamp"

When I started to develop an addiction to cocaine, I was hoping to at least do so in a way that was ethical and didn't harm anyone in the supply chain.

And I would have got away with it, too, if it wasn't for those Medellín kids.

Version of ^this joke^ appears in Pynchon's Bleeding Edge iirc

I am a poorly-read ignoramus, your honour

XD

That's rather a compliment

Knock knock
Who's there?
Giacomo.
Giacomo who?
Giacomo fee nah ney!

If a capo is a mob boss,
& a capo di tutti capi is a don,
is a capo di tutti furgoni a Donovan?

did you hear about the man who cut a sports car into bite-sized pieces and ate the entire thing without gaining any weight?

..............he practiced Porsche control

Q: What did the Jewish squid say when he crossed himself?

A: Spectacles tentacles wallet watch.

a clumsy seabird tried to plug a cable into the back of a Tolkienesque goblin and it was embarassing. awks aucs aux orcs awks

A lot of the other orchestral musicians envy the easy portability of my violin. But they're just cellists.

― bert yansh (Hurting 2), Tuesday, August 14, 2012 1:49 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

really they have no basses for complaint

ugh plz you don't need to toot his horn

I asked the harpist if she could get me some free tickets.

She said she'd try to pull a few strings.

Why should you never play a wild card against a member of the brass section?
He'll just trumpet.

Sorry to break the orchestral theme, but

What day of the week do nymphs schedule their dates?

Satyrday!

How come the musician couldn't blow an A# through her instrument?

Well, first of all, the problem was originating from a flute premise.

that's a sharp observation.

Kenny Loggins: Hey Michael, what was that song that was sampled in Regulate?

Michael McDonald: I Keep Forgetting

Kenny Loggins: Alright, I'll just go get the album

Michael McDonald: If That's What It Takes

Q. Why doesn't Popeye eat fried spinach for breakfast?

A. Cuz ikz too oily in d'mornin.

Popeye laughs at own joke: Awww-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug.

Yesterday we were walking by a catholic church in the afternoon, and it had its doors open and there were dozens of people gathered outside, all of whom seemed to have dogs.

H: Is it some kind of Catholic dog holiday today?
Me: The Feast of St. Bernard

*doffs hat*

remix:

Here is a joke of my own I once made up:

What do you guy who turns into an uncool bad-language wolf in the full moon's light?

A swear-wolf.

― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Thursday, June 24, 2010 8:53 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

What do Scottish ghosts drink?

Irn Boo

Why can't the guy who wrote Trap Queen play Santa?
Fetty Wap's got a sweaty lap.

Did you hear about Fetty Wap's new Mediterranean restaurant?
The special is Fetty Wap's feta wrap.

Little known fact: Fetty Wap is also an inventor. His father is an exterminator and he created a moist towelette specially engineered to clean the inside of trap and release cages.
He calls it Fetty Wap's Rat Trap Wet Naps.

(I actually heard someone at a bodega yesterday order a wrap and the guy behind the counter yelled ONE MORE FETTY WAP)

Where are freshman hippos required to live at Hippo University? On the hippocampus.

I feel like my 'Go Fet A Wapman' has been cruelly overlooked

I actually don't really have a joke, I just wanted to say I've had a lot of phlegm lately.

Sorry to bring it up.

Honestly, man, that one was more of a hack job.

'snot funny