ilx posts with striking imagery

Gonna finish all my stories with "Y0landa!" from now on.

to the tune of
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmOLtTGvsbM

There is a part of me that would love to dress up like a shit failed mod for the hilarity factor. Comb over the bald spot, try not to look like a crimewatch photo-fit and wear a completely ill fitting suit for the first time in my life, viola! instant ace face tragedy! Once an uncle of mine who was a survivor of Artane child abuse travelled to Dublin for a witness court appearance, symbolically dressed up as a catholic priest, with dog collar, robes et al.

― xelab, Wednesday, February 11, 2015 8:09 PM (44 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

had to read that in context to be sure that xelab wasn't gritting on me again there.

ha great post

gotta go w/ordinary combustibles let's me honest. that includes wood which means trees, houses, huge ships in wet dock going up in flames, the smoke everywhere, great billowing columns blackening the dawn, what ho, the ships are on fire, our ships, our great ships, the ships our fathers built, behold, they are in flames

ordinary combustibles for sure

― The Complainte of Ray Tabano, Thursday, February 19, 2015 3:32 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

That's fantastic.

yh

players crumpled by the winds and lost in time, no longer sure which team they've been traded to, weeping under a flag formed by a torn phoenix suns jersey

― Clay, Thursday, February 19, 2015 8:16 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^ superbly handcrafted for the occasion and its ILH audience, its luster may dim as time slowly removes it from its proper setting, but it was stunningly adept in its time and place, and a much deserving choice

today at the salvation army i offered a hipsterish young person the vintage pendleton field shirt that was too small for me and he didn't know what pendleton was. i didn't how to proceed from there because i had assumed he'd be primed for apeshit but it was a good and quality american garment of fine workmanship and i felt that there was an outside chance that it would find a way into his rotation because of intrinsic qualities and not hey look i'm in fleet foxes now.

― slugbuggy, Friday, February 20, 2015 11:13 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I just screamed at a squirrel pie advertised by the despicable paloma faith how could I not

― local eire man (darraghmac), Sunday, February 22, 2015 12:54 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

looking through early century pictures, the hotel serves like the same people as it always has, modern iterations of the edmonton raw fur merchant's assocation, resource sector management and executives, various various industry types doing anything possibly associated with oil and gas, galas for syncrude in the ballroom, the ceo of xxxxx infrastructure that nobody has ever heard of but have projects in northern alberta, nigeria, bolivia, libya, trillion dollar company. lots of corporate guests traveling on discount rates.

the rest is:

lots of richest man in grande prairie-types, five nights in the big city in a suite, valet a lifted f-350 and pre-arrival checking out who's dropping a grand a night on a room and it's like, son of the guy whose dad whose grandparents came out to homestead in some town on the alberta-saskatchewan border in the 1910s and got the first ford dealership and built the biggest house in town and it cost them like fifty grand and it has a six car garage and the son now runs one of the dealerships and donated ten grand to the local dinosaur bones/old tractor museum and got a wing named after him, where they have the discovery center where field trips go to dig up plastic bones from a sandbox/the vintage snowmobile section. six figures spent in the outlets and in room dining, mostly on scotch and steaks. preparing guest resumes for them is always interesting, a century of heavy coverage in local newspapers that they now co-own.

guys down from fort mac on romantic getaways that request towel swans on the beds and chocolate covered strawberries, valet lifted f-350s.

nhl teams.

members of third world royal families. members of the british royal family.

prostitutes. invariably quebecois, cash deposits.

minor celebrities. this afternoon: david sedaris.

― dylannn, Monday, February 23, 2015 12:22 AM (7 hours ago)

^

that's america right there

I want a book

I think u mean that's canada

oh ha, missed the "edmonton" part

hopefully no c4 exec is reading this so the world is spared neighbourhood dog inventory swap and the spectacle of rousseau and bellini being given the pavlov treatment with hmp issue tasers while feral akitas tear apart pigeons in london garden squares

― no love deb weep (nakhchivan), Tuesday, 24 February 2015 11:15 (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

tbf the chorus seems a p real audio illustration of the corkscrewing psychosis of comeback anxiety

havent dressed in weeks, scrunched up paper balls everywhere, ok crj u can do this just simplify it yes simple really really really really really really sim-

on a muted television in the background the new tay video plays again

― r|t|c, Tuesday, March 3, 2015 5:10 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

The bitching here is directed at whoever allows this to happen, mostly, but there's a woman in my office who seems to have some quite bad mental problems, and has just been jettisoned entirely by any boss or team. We move from desk to desk (as does everyone) and she keeps annexing desks in different parts of the office, but she sits and talks to herself in a strained argumentative tone all day - and not like "oh I must email Steven" or whatever, it's like this bizarre rambling. She's sitting behind me now and I just heard "but he was holding a child!" - a lot of it is kind of mumbling. She looks at Google Maps with a map of Daventry, all day.

My boss has emailed to try and see what's happening or why she has no team whatsoever - makes me wonder how many people are working in civil service buildings just drifting along having been cut loose from any responsibility or structure, or contact.

― Junior Dictionary (LocalGarda), Tuesday, 17 March 2015 13:21 (Yesterday)

There was a point about 10 years ago when the boss at a company I worked at flipped out when an apprentice kulak drove into the yard with a rolled up copy of Nuts on the dash of his Berlingo. He got quite a hard fucking and was given a written disciplinary warning about having visible "porn mags" on company property. Even though I immensely disliked the boss I thought he was 100% otm in this case.

I personally think James Brown is one of the vilest & most worthless pieces of shit of his generation and would genuinely wish death upon him. He is that much worthless that he almost makes Paul Morley seem a likeable person. If there is a hell I hope he ends up in some dismal loop; trapped in a white transit van with dumb young guys smoking biftas at 6am, talking about spitting on Lucy Pinder's arse with Moyles blasting out at full whack - aeterno!

― xelab, Friday, March 27, 2015 8:38 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

garda & xelab make this webforum great & i do not employ hyperbole

I was waiting in line for the bathroom at the opera during intermission. The line was long, but it moves fast and the Lyric has been giving old ladies time to pee during intermission for like a century so there was nothing to be concerned about. UNLESS you were the old lady behind me who kept querulously piping, "We're not going to make it! We're not going to make it!" like we were sneaking over the German border into Switzerland and could hear dogs barking at our heels.

― from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, April 16, 2015

... wailing hearts and steroids and amyl in a giant mirrorball blender.

― Tim F, Tuesday, April 7, 2015 6:01 AM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

if you ever hang out on the Steve Hoffman forums, you'll notice that every once in a while a regular poster will suddenly vanish from the discourse. he'll be in the middle of a heated Pono debate and he'll excuse himself for a seemingly minor interruption ("BRB, I think I hear the FedEx guy at my door"), and then just...silence, crickets, radio static. as the weeks pass and he fails to respond to your PMs and emails, you begin to get seriously worried: did this guy die or go to jail? so you start a thread about him on the Off-Topic board (Hey, does anyone know what happened to ThePruneDuke67?) and literally 30 seconds later your thread has been deleted and Steve himself has sent you a PM: 'Hush, child, he is beyond our reach: he has acquired the entire MoFi catalogue and now he is on a higher plane'. so you keep your mouth shut and act like nothing happened because how can you second guess Steve Hoffman? but eventually all of your friends have been spirited away to audiophile heaven and you realize that you are literally the only person contributing to the Toto Album By Album thread (by now you've exhausted the proper Toto albums and moved on to Steve Lukather's solo career) that's when you decide you need a new hobby.

― the geographibebebe (unregistered), Sunday, April 19, 2015 8:01 PM

:D

porcaro sweat

lol clouds

(nb credit goes to hungry4ass)

the bowels are not what they seem do you love trident

― conrad, Tuesday, April 21, 2015 10:43 AM (6 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

That one sort of leapt out at me too

The Stiles-hate on here makes me sad. She seems nice. I'd be friends with her. We could make homemade milkshakes in the blender, put on pajamas, and watch taped episodes of "Politically Incorrect" (which I don't care for, but I watch with her because I'm a good friend). She'd introduce me to Marlon Brando's ghost at P. Diddy's Academy Awards after-party and I'd tell her when her hair looked bad. She would prank call me and pretend to be Isaac Hayes. Eventually, she would come to realize that she wants to be more than "just friends," but I would turn her down because our friendship means that much to me. We would move to Kokomo, Indiana and grow old together.
― St. Nicholas (Nick A.), Monday, July 26, 2004 12:31 PM (10 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

anyway, my dream isn't ilxor-involved but I had one of the strangest dreams ever the other night — I had found both my kittens who had ran away when I was living in FL a year ago, but one of their heads had been replaced by an outdoor water faucet. It was horrifying, like it was trying to be affectionate and I was just afraid.

― for the next throbbing minutes (corey), Thursday, 2 December 2010 01:43 (4 years ago)

:D

Jesus

that classic bed wetting dream

wow, i don't remember that at all.

not sleeping tonight either i guess.

I was at my friend's birthday party last night and there were photos of Pomplamoose everywhere. Apparently he lives at their house, along with two other not-Pomplamoose tenants. When I found this out I argued with anybody who would listen about their insufferability. I woke up covered in vomit in the studio where they record.

― I_Got_Loaded, Sunday, December 28, 2014 12:05 PM (4 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Me and my brother (not really my brother, just some hillbilly lookin' guy) are staying at my parents' place (not really my parents' place.) Our "mom" (some sort of Carol Brady lookalike) is making us pallets to sleep on in the living room. Me and Bro say, "But what about the Cottonwood Room? Can't we go sleep up there?" She sighs as she's about to put a pillow in another pillowcase and says, Yeah. Of course, I haven't slept up there in ages.

We get up there and it looks like a smaller version of the room Dave Bowman went to in 2001. No windows, lots of ivory and cream fixtures, very bright. Brian Wilson is in there, as a matter of fact. "Oh, you two want to stay up here for the night? No, that's cool," and he pushes past us through a door with a bunch of cameras hanging off of it, not unlike the Dennis Hopper character in Apocalypse Now.

The bed is this huge baby-blue King size mattress with no blankets or sheets. And on the bed is Elvis -- not looking so good. His blue eyes match the bed and they're kinda rolling around in his skull. His hair's all matted and as loud as the room is bright, starts singing The American Trilogy. Those horns and the background singers echo off the mirrors and shiny light fixtures. Except, Elvis changes up the lyrics a little bit and sings, "In Dixieland, on one cool Tuesday morning..." and scoots a model airplane at the end of the bed with his foot into a Lego model of the World Trade Center....

I look at my hillbilly brother. He looks at me, well, slackjawed. And as he's looking at me with big saucer eyes, his fake teeth fall out from his gums and drop to the floor.

THE FUCK DOES ANY OF THAT MEAN.

― pplains, Monday, May 11, 2015 4:01 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dying at the stereogum VNYL story, had not heard of this amazing scam. i'm imagining someone having some kind of account difficulty, they can't turn it off, lost password, and every month three more England Dan & John Ford Coley LPs show up, with "#LazySunday" stickers on the front, because of their interest in Sleater-Kinney, Meat Beat Manifesto and Sun Ra. they run out of places to put them, local stores have them on the blacklist, city sanitation crews rip them out of the trash and hurl them back under their doors. and yet they keep coming. endless England Dan & John Ford Coley. eventually a fire starts and they die of poisonous vinyl fumes. all for only $25 a month --- thanks, kickstarter and #VYNL!

― Doctor Casino, Thursday, May 14, 2015 1:19 PM

xp - shades of Scott Walker's 'Jesse' in there.

chipotle is full of shit, I go into there and wear a little towel over my eyes as if I was eating an ortolan, so as to not see the "gmo free" banner

― ultimate american sock (mh), Friday, May 22, 2015 11:44 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

y0landa!

my favorite talkback was at a moma film that i went to when i first moved to nyc and was on the autodidactic film school tip and it was an experimental thing from the late seventies without narrative playing on a wednesday afternoon matiness and there was a constant return to a kaleidoscopic shot of some guy jacking off for the camera with emokid voiceover and this went on for like two hours. most of the audience left but i was in full-on "I WILL LEARN SOMETHING HERE" mode and I stuck it out until at the end it was me and 7 senior citizens and the film ends with nothing offered except i think the dude finally came i guess? so they bring the director out and whattayaknow, it's clearly the jackin' it dude. "Questions?" and each of the seven senior citizens got up and lectured the guy about the filmmaking process and what was he thinking, etc along the lines of
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svGAQJYIRqQ#t=12

― like a giraffe of nah (forksclovetofu), Thursday, May 28, 2015 3:24 PM (1 hour ago)

in love with full-on "I WILL LEARN SOMETHING HERE" mode

don't think there's such a thing as a good look for limbaugh unless it is the last look a lost astronaut has of earth as he hurtles screaming and helpless away from it at great speed and completely untethered to anything that will prevent his progress into the infinite depths of darkest unknown where he will be preserved as a monument to the futility of existence for all of time

― head clowning instructor (art), Thursday, June 18, 2015 2:13 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

there's a whole underdocumented level of [the search for authentic connection in the post-capitalist techno-hellscape] by like [slightly more self-aware cogs in the machinery of modernity] who look down on [people less specifically uneasy with the death of value] even though they [partook of the same state- and capital-mandated cultural indoctrination]. basically [embracing irony and the free play of signifiers in the rotting husk of meaning] w/e

― max, Saturday, June 20, 2015 10:11 AM (30 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Otis Wheeler wrote this on thread First Love on board I Love Everything on Jul 29, 2001

I don't fall in love with people, but for the sake of conversation, I'll humor the question and say that my first love was this girl I met when I was like 10, who had all this awful taste, always going on about her creepy interests, like the new Addams Family movie or the latest Tag Team single (she would actually refer to it as "the latest Tag Team single", rather than "Whoomp! There It Is" or "the one that's not 'Whoomp! There It Is'"). I spent all my time telling her to her face how much I didn't like her and how much she sucked. So it was like most of my relationships, just more open. It didn't really end, I mean, it was never a relationship, but she did get voted Biggest Whore in high school. My actual first love (though still not my actual first love, because I don't fall in love with people) was this wild, out of control, underage bellydancing hippie diva from India who dumped me while we were on vacation in CA because I was too "bleak and cynical".