Sex Droughts

Three months for me. My skin's getting pasty.

8 months :(

15 months, more or less

suggested thread image:

http://greenprophet.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/water-gaza-israel.jpg

Didn't we talk about starting a thread for posting 'my sex drought is over' posts so as not to look all fucking smug in this one?

Probably not worth the trouble. I'm happy other people are getting laid.

Have there been any agreements on definitions in this thread?

I mean, on one hand, I sort of think I've had a drought since 2010. I've had sprinkles, but were they enough to be considered a break in drought?

Actually if someone could come up with terms to use in extending the metaphor, that would be great.

By my standards, skin-skin contact in the no-no zone counts.

Yes I've had some of that over the years but it's becoming like afternoon cloudbursts that just make it feel muggier.

Plainly put, since 2009: 0 PIB, a couple PIM a few years ago, handful of vigorous cuddles & pawing, and among all that, only 1 completion back in Fall 2009. That last part is weird. Like its just not done anymore or we're too shy.

My gf and I have been having some weird friction, from her stressful demanding job, my general cluelessness/inexperience at being in a relationship, a lot of other things, and we haven't had sex in over two months. Which is a sudden drop from an average of about 10-12 times a week, and it is driving me up the fucking wall.

Has it been noted and discussed, or has it just crept up on you? The "oh this will be for a while" and the while keeps getting longer is a bit of a killer.

was that avg at the start of the relationship

TT i'm in a nearly identical spot

also 2 wisks

Which is a sudden drop from an average of about 10-12 times a week

well that's clearly unsustainable

yeah but you don't usually go from that much to overnight NO MORE SEX.

have either of you guys actually talked to your GFs about this?

i have, and i know exactly what it's about, and there's not a lot i can do about it, unfortunately.

I have here as well, and it's complicated, to the point where we considered breaking up. That was a month ago, and we're working on turning it around, but with her new work schedule I hardly ever get to see her. That was the average as of about 6 months into the relationship; part of what was so great for both of us was finding somebody who was going to keep up... Also not helping: I finally ditched Zyrtec for Claritin D, and while I'm finding I can breathe easily through my nose for the first time in years I'm also learning that the dose of Sudafed in a 24-hour Claritin D makes me MAD horny :/

good tip.

Is there still physical intimacy? Is the no-sex situation likely to ease off within a finite period? The sex thing isn't a result of your actions or words?

If yes to all these questions, just chill and get yourself off. Nbd.

If sex is so important that you can't live without it for long period, maybe you're not suited to each other.

i was being serious, not snarky, with that last sentence btw.

if there's a current lack of any kind of physical intimacy, i'd be pretty concerned, though.

if there's a current lack of any kind of physical intimacy, i'd be pretty concerned, though.

― just1n3, Tuesday, July 21, 2015 3:51 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i am.

tfw when ur 40 and 5-6 pints ruins u

L

met a woman who refers to ending a sex drought as "getting the poison out"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeOcCo77k0Q

2 wisks

went on a first date with someone who managed to tell me what an amazing time she was having immediately prior to shoving my hand down her shirt and grab my junk...and then pretty much lose interest in me two days later. the drought continues.

(actually not that bummed about it. I was somewhat taken back by how aggressive she was on a first date when we barely knew each other and I wasn't at all approaching it as a "friends with benefits" arrangement. woulda been up for more, didn't work out....probably for the best)

We went a calendar year without sex after our first child was born (she's a november baby) which I found pretty difficult to deal with. But she didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for basically two years, so, there's that. Married 8 years now and sex is something that happens every few weeks or months. Child 2 arrived in February so I'm not even hoping for anything for another couple of months at the least. Just had a vasectomy and hope that removes a layer of anxiety and logistics which hampered sex sometimes before.

[moderator note: several posts in this thread have been deleted on user's request]

Ask T.S. Eliot and John Ruskin.

Depends how good the food is

That question needs a lot of context in order to be answered.
Is it sexless because there’s no physical attraction, one-sided or mutual? Is it due to trauma experienced by one partner? Are there still other forms of physical intimacy? Is it due to chronic health issues? Is it lack of communication? By “sexless”, do you mean absolutely zero sexual intimacy (kissing, touching, cuddling etc) or actual sex (anything to do with genitals)?

I could go the rest of my life without straight-up sex acts if I had to, but not without other kinds of physical intimacy at all.

<3 u buddy

If I were you I would try explaining it to her like much like you are here

Is there any potential option of opening things up?

there are lots of options and in-betweens, the only way to find something that might work is to start talking about it with her. worst thing you can do is not talk about it. use lots of "i feel x" statements.

I’m at about 7 years btw.

"we have sex from time to time" is a reasonable expectation in marriage. couples therapy, which don't get me wrong sounds scary to me, is what I think most people would recommend. you are not being unkind or selfish to say "I don't want to just never have sex with anybody" -- be kind to yourself about this.

Agree with map - this something you have to talk all the way through.

If couples therapy isn’t realistic right now (money etc) there are two things I’d suggest that might at least open up a very honest line of communication:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It’s about helping you kinda figured out how your own sexuality/sensuality works.

Where Should We Begin? a podcast by Esther Perel. It’s real life counseling sessions she has with couples - not regular clients, but one-time sessions. They’re not all about sex but she’s incredibly insightful and I’ve learnt a lot listening to these episodes.

Menopause can be so long and so excruciating for some women - I’m so sorry she’s had to suffer through it. But it’s ok that you’re sad too.

My husband and I and have just come out of an extended almost-drought too. I was really depressed for like 3 yrs - I couldn’t get out of bed. But it was a mental and physical depression, not emotional, and my libido was still working. We still cuddled and had that kind of physical intimacy but for him, he was my caretaker and he couldn’t switch off from that to get in the mindset of being my sexual partner. We moved across the country in March, and while I’m still quite depressed, there has been improvement, and now he doesn’t feel like he’s my caretaker.

That’s kinda unfair on you - 7 yrs without sexual intimacy IS a big deal. As for it being a way of deflecting from other things you have going on, sex can be an escape and not in a bad way. That’s why my libido isn’t usually affected by even severe anxiety or depression.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired by your partner. It’s more important to some of us than others. If sex is one of the ways you are able to feel emotionally connected to your partner, it’s ok for you to want to talk about ways that can be fulfilled, outside of actual sex. Like, there are ways to engage one partner’s sexuality without engaging the other’s, and I don’t just mean jerking off your partner; massage or any kind of intimate touch, where you show attention to your partner physically. My husband would brush my hair for me a lot, during our drought.

Still dry since Obama's first term.

Though now it's mostly I'm repulsed by the idea. My GF in 2019 couldn't figure out why we hadn't fucked. She was dating a guy with many intimacy hang-ups, that's why.

Also I agree with just1n3, ian. It's really not unfair to want some form of intimacy like that and to talk about it

Damn ian I am sorry, and same goes for everyone else struggling with this. I have a friend in a similar situation (7 years) … not a euphemism, it is someone else, not me.

Basically for him and his wife it’s been since their kid was born and she has lost interest, though apparently some of it is body image issues.

But it is something that seems to create other stresses and resentments … and it’s worth addressing the thing rather than other things that stand in for the thing

But it’s scary! Like if you otherwise really care about your partner and don’t want this to lead to a divorce! I went through periods with my ex when I felt like garbage and wasn’t interested but I had the traditional mindset of “if you don’t put out, he will find someone else who will.” So there were times when I wasn’t into it at first and then was good and other times I totally faked it (easier as a person without a dick) because I cared about him and wanted to make him happy… like I feel like it’s kinda part of the monogamous contract? Idk

Expressing that you have big feelings about something and then being told those feelings are wrong or you’re exaggerating or they’re not important - of course that’s hurtful. And it’s another way you don’t feel connected. It sounds like it’s her defense mechanism to respond that way because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Is that because she genuinely feels pressured or is it something else? Either way, you guys have to talk about because it’s only gonna turn into growing resentment on both sides and that will sour the parts of your relationship that are good.

aside from cosigning all the above id need to underline that there's nothing reasonable nor understandable about "we aren't having sex and we're not discussing it" and i accept 100% that nothing in any relationship occurs in a vacuum but that's just not a position anyone can take while deflecting blame for raising it on the other person

yes. i wrote something earlier to the effect that 'you need out of this and to help matters it seems to have already become just a friendship', but deleted it because that's too abrupt and callous and i don't know either of you really, but if the suggested steps don't pay off then you've got to be good to yourself, no matter how heartwrenchingly difficult that sounds

it doesn't need to be that but this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide and there is no real way to avoid that imo. its a long struggle to keep something like this as as something that needs attention and effort and thought and care but ime its no different to lots of aspects similarly critical to a good relationship there, we just get funny about arguing/talking about it because it's sex and even the non catholics get vulnerable and weird about saying i need/i cant to the other in this realm