fuck cancer

wishing you and your bro love and peace

it's so good you are there with alan, phil, my kindest thoughts to you both. franny otm, take care of yourself as well, it's very heartbreaking and stressful when someone you love has to go through this.

lol dad, wishing you all the best

Today was a bad day -- Alan had an appointment scheduled for 8:30 this morning to get his post-chemo injection of a white cell booster, and just as we were leaving he got very, very short of breath. I asked if he wanted to go to the ER, and he said no, let's just go to his regular appointment. By the time we arrived (a 20 minute drive) he asked me to get a wheelchair because he didn't think he could walk in, and I asked the nurse at registration to bring oxygen. They got him on a tank and his breathing became less labored, they got him the injection, then called over to the ER and we wheeled him over. Spent about 3 hours in the ER before getting a diagnosis of pneumonia, so they admitted him and have him on 3 different antibiotics, have given him four breathing treatments and two doses of some steroid that's supposed to help open up his breathing.

A big part of the problems is that he produces a lot of mucous, but because his tumors are in his chest right under the sternum, across his shoulders and upper back, he can't really cough, so he can't clear his lungs well. The oxygen helps put some pressure behind it to clear them out, but now he's got a pretty bad case of pneumonia. He'll probably be in at least 3-4 days, so he's frustrated that he's right back there again.

Through it all he's remaining very positive, though, despite his frustration. He told me yesterday that, living in his tiny, cramped apartment on Carmine St. in NYC for the last 15 years he was always tense and angry and agitated. He said that moving here, even with the cancer, he feels more relaxed and better than he has in decades.

It's amazing that whatever amount of time he has left, he's spending it somewhere that makes him happy.

spot on.

phil : i think you are amazing. to voluntarily be with someone as they go through these darkest of experiences is a measure of a true hero.

other than bh i am not sure i would be able to do what you are for anyone else ..

(and that dadjoke = awesome of the highest level .. )

So now the attending on his floor in the hospital thinks he may be developing COPD, but his oncologist wants a CAT scan of his chest before making any definitive diagnosis. Alan's stuck in this hospital while I'm in his apartment, and I feel like I want to get really drunk.

Sending best, man. You're doing some heavy work there.

ugh copd or even pneumonia is so rough

thinking of u and alan right now

3 years on from the exit of one evil lump from my world, a new fucker enters.

this time, the emotional attachment is not quite as intense (my father as opposed to my life partner)

another score for the evil lump.

fuck cancer.

Oh mark :(

:(

ta.
given my history with the old man, tis very different situation than before with bh,
but still, the whole experience is stirring up a lot of emotional chaos that i had buried deep.
i'm just glad i made the mad dash last night to see him in the last few hours of his lucidity.
i am not religious, but yesterday i felt a massive compulsion to make the effort, which given its a 6 hour round trip to their part of the country does make you wonder.
i.e. i was going to go this saturday, but had concerns/weird dreams all week etc

glad you got to do that mark, and all the best to you

Condolences, Mark. I hope you are okay.

i am so sorry, mark, i'm glad you were able to see him while he was still lucid. my best wishes to you and your family.

Condolences, Mark. I echo what everyone's saying about time to say goodbye - I know it's cold comfort.

fuck cancer.

So this is my last night in California, as I prepare to head back to Ohio tomorrow morning. I wish I could say I'm leaving on an up note, but I'm not.

As I get ready to leave, Alan is in a hospital bed with a breathing tube down his throat. After that terrible bout of pneumonia last month, he's got it again, and this time it's really bad. And his own instincts to cough and fight are working against him, so, after having a large amount of fluid drained, he agreed to get the breathing tube and be HEAVILY sedated with Fentanyl and Propofol, so his body can just rest and deal with the major antibiotics he's going to get.

The chemo IS working -- he told me last week he can't feel the swelling in his thymus anymore. But the combination of chemo and his breathing problems are taking a toll. He's been weak as a kitten the last 2-3 weeks, unable even to microwave himself anything let alone do any serious cooking, housework or work.

The worst part is that when he wakes up he's going to be alone. Just at the point where he really needs 24/7 care, I have to go home. I reached out to his two brothers back east, but there is unfortunately a great deal of bad blood and burned bridges among them, and there's no help to be found there. His partner, Debra, is still in New York and due to financial complications can't think of moving until September. His only other nearby relative lives two hours away in Altadena, and she's 70 years old. She's pretty healthy, but in no shape to care for him. And full-time in home care costs about $260 a day, which he simply doesn't have.

His primary care doctor has paperwork for getting him periodic help from county IHSS, but hasn't processed it yet despite four phone calls from me; and that won't be nearly enough for what he needs. Likely as not once he's over the pneumonia they'll have to release him to whatever kind of temporary senior care facility IEHP can help him with.

My wife and I have started a GoFundMe to help his partner expedite her move out there so she can be with him. To help take care of him and, dog forbid, to be with him should the worst come to pass. If you're so inclined, please give, or share, or anything you think might help. Alan's a mensch and he deserves better. http://www.gofundme.com/clobberingcancer/

that is really the shitty iciing on the cake that the cancer waited, til right after he'd moved completely away from his support system (esp his partner), to rear its ugly head

I just arrived back in Ohio today, and got a call from the doctor in Alan's ICU ward tonight. The pneumonia is very severe - they've drained him twice more, and the fluid is infected. More importantly, he can't breathe without being intubated, and long term treatment would require a partial or full tracheostomy.

All of that is moot, though, because pursuant to treatment he got the first CT scan he's had since starting chemo, and the cancer has metastasized. It's already destroyed about half of his sternum, and spread to his lungs, lymph nodes, thyroid and spinal column. Even if the pneumonia could be treated successfully, it would leave him so compromised he'd be unable to receive chemo. Which, given the spread, would be nothing more than a band-aid at this point.

The doctor discussed the options with Alan, and he decided he'd just like antibiotics and palliative care. We may be looking at anything from hours to days.

I am going through all the stages of grief simultaneously.

Fuck cancer.

Oh Phil, that's so hard

Thinking of you! pour it out itt as much as you need, if it helps

<3

sorry phil. fuck cancer. i'm glad your cousin had you around to lean on.

i'm so sorry, phil. sending alan my best thoughts.

fuck cancer.

aw man, fuck cancer

the worst, man.

and fuck cancer.

I just arrived back in Ohio today, and got a call from the doctor in Alan's ICU ward tonight.

Oh look cancer found a way to fuck with you.

Thoughts are with you, man - fuck cancer.

Phil, my thoughts are with you and Alan and his loved ones. I'm so sorry to hear about this. What you did made all the difference for him.

Fuck cancer.

Alan died at 3am PT this morning.

I'm so sorry, Phil. Fuck cancer.

Im so sorry to hear this Phil. My thoughts are with you.

oh man, sorry phil

so very sorry, Phil, and blessings upon you for the love you showed your cousin.

what Morbs said, sending you best wishes

Morbs OTM - take care of yourself, Phil.

I'm so sorry, Phil.

Very sorry to hear it, Phil. Much love and condolences.

Yesterday was a little bad for me too -- not directly, but close. One of my oldest and dearest friends, Stripey (she keeps a very, very low profile in terms of the Net, thus the pseudonym), lost her father after a cancer diagnosis earlier this year. He lived a long and full life, happily, and was a great person in my getting to know him over the years. But after the diagnosis it was only a matter of some months -- treatment only went so far, and while he was at home these last couple of weeks with excellent hospice care, he was in great pain as well, wrenching. The pain is over, at least. I'm glad I got to see him well one last time last Thanksgiving, but it's very hard to imagine their family home without him. So yeah, and again, fuck cancer.

Horrible, Phil. My condolences and love.

Fuck cancer.

Sorry Phil. Thoughts with you and to Alan's partner - such a horrible situation to be in.

Oh my god, she probably didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Double-fuck cancer.

Phil I'm so so sorry -- and cosign re all the love you showed him by staying with him, that matters so much

and <3 to Ned also

fuck all the cancers, always

Phil, that's rough and I'm sorry to hear it. Fuck cancer.

My terminally ill friend stopped posting on FB a couple of weeks ago, causing me and another friend to crap ourselves with worry, but friend is back posting so *phew*. For now.

my uncle - who is not literally my uncle but was one of my dad's best friends and was kinder and more caring to me than most of my blood relatives - has mesothelioma and goes into hospice on monday. my dad got me his home number and said he would like to hear from me, and I tried calling him, got no answer so left a message. then found out he is barely lucid, so I don't know if I'll ever get to really speak to him finally, and I haven't in ages, too wrapped up in stupid personal bullshit, got so blindsided by this.

idk how this works. fuck cancer.

The whole situation gets worse because his brothers apparently wanted nothing to do with Alan, and his partner Debra has turned out to be a duplicitous asshole, so I am going to get left holding the bag of settling his affairs. I'm pretty sure he died intestate, so this is going to be terrific.

oh god :(

Just want to say, Phil, you're a fucking hero for being there for your cousin. People often think everyone will pull together when shit like this gets serious but the reality is many people just can't or won't take the time to properly help. Others avoid cancer like the plague, literally.

I'm sure your efforts were much appreciated by Alan and that you made a huge difference to his final months.

Sorry for your loss.

nicely put, and co-sign x 10

just found out a former castmate of mine in a musical I did 5 years ago died of cancer this week. I will admit I didn't know him well and hadn't seen him pretty much sicne then, but this is just so sad - he was a sweet guy, very young, didn't deserve this.

Rest in peace (and fuck cancer)

Just found out a family member has stage 1. Fuck cancer.