ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

In any case, whether or not we can solve big questions surrounding gender conditioning, I just feel like I see a lot of parenting blog articles where parents put SO much emphasis on something like this with such a small child, and inject so much anxiety into it, that it can't be good. "WHAT WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED MAKEUP TO BE PRETTY YOU'RE FINE JUST THE WAY YOU ARE I'M HIDING THE MAKEUP DON'T TOUCH IT"

I've probably posted this here before but: http://usvsth3m.com/post/21-struggles-faced-by-a-dad-raising-a-daughter-in-a-sexist-world

yea it is an overreaction xp

J sometimes asks to put his hair in a ponytail or pigtails "like mama" it is v cute

at J's birthday party last weekend some friends of ours brought their 5-month old boy and dressed him in this really cute pink wool sweater and my wife's parents kept making jokes about it like "don't show him the photos when he's older!!!" thinking they were so hilarious and goddamn it was so embarrassing.

my son had pretty long hair for a while, like a rocker, and we'd often get told "she's so pretty", & what could you really say but "thanks"

he also wore his sister's dresses for a while when really little b/c he wanted to be big like her. again, whatever.

otoh I had an acquaintance who once said to me that he hoped his son would be gay because gay people are better than straight people. kinda didn't know what to make of that.

I did freak out a little (internally) when K said she wanted to be a "woman lawyer." Also for a while she always wanted me to be the doctor and she was the nurse when we did checkups on her stuffed animals, but I think doc mcstuffins has put an end to that.

I really wanted to bring her to my office to meet all the "woman lawyers." Having mom home for a while and me continuing to work may be a bigger factor than any outside cultural influence.

otoh I had an acquaintance who once said to me that he hoped his son would be gay because gay people are better than straight people. kinda didn't know what to make of that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyjEAvIKD5c

otoh I had an acquaintance who once said to me that he hoped his son would be gay because gay people are better than straight people. kinda didn't know what to make of that.

"well they're certainly better than YOU" would've worked as a rejoinder imo

Apologies in advance for waxing philosophical and being pretentious, but I had this realization today about parenting, about something that makes it simultaneously so amazing and so fucking difficult for me: parenting frustrates nihilism. When I was childless, and even moreso when I was single, it was so easy to retreat into meaninglessness, even take comfort in it. But having this small, developing person there all the time, constantly observing you, listening to you, watching you for cues, asking you questions that have to do with what the world is and how to live in it, and it creates this weighty and almost burdensome feeling of responsibility in me. Changing diapers and packing snacks and dressing toddlers feels like the easy part compared to this, it can be done by rote. But never feeling like you can just have a true fuck everything moment, because this little person is watching you and feeding off of you and needs you to provide some kind of ballast in the turbulence of being so small and fragile and limited in understanding. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by this.

Hadnt thought of it in those terms, but that is very true

Time to get a sitter!

yeah I forgot to mention that the other one is only 4 months and won't take a bottle right now, so that kind of precludes sitters for a little while.

feeling that October 3 post a lot, man alive

Apologies in advance for waxing philosophical and being pretentious, but I had this realization today about parenting, about something that makes it simultaneously so amazing and so fucking difficult for me: parenting frustrates nihilism. When I was childless, and even moreso when I was single, it was so easy to retreat into meaninglessness, even take comfort in it. But having this small, developing person there all the time, constantly observing you, listening to you, watching you for cues, asking you questions that have to do with what the world is and how to live in it, and it creates this weighty and almost burdensome feeling of responsibility in me. Changing diapers and packing snacks and dressing toddlers feels like the easy part compared to this, it can be done by rote. But never feeling like you can just have a true fuck everything moment, because this little person is watching you and feeding off of you and needs you to provide some kind of ballast in the turbulence of being so small and fragile and limited in understanding. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by this.

We suddenly have a lot of garish plastic around that plays music and the 'hail to the bus driver' song is on everything so I constantly have in my head Ralph Wiggum going 'he steps on the clutch and the toilet goes flush'

SHUT UP!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55EoLTC0SdY

I hear "la cucaracha" from all our noise making plastic shit but it makes Cecil dance so I'm into no matter how annoying it is.

Also the gendered playing is so weird - my mother in law is visiting and bought him some Legos which are too tiny now but we put together a car like wheeled contraption for him. He immediately started pushing it around and making vrooming noises which blew my mind.

I assume this comes from the older kids at his day care but it's still weird to me how quickly he picked this up.

K loves playing with dinosaurs but mostly lines them up and has conversations with them, none of the roaring or stomping stuff.

Are there any other NYC or NYC area parents on ILP? This school shit is so complicated and daunting and we're still a year out from Pre-K. First of all, K's preschool doesn't have a Universal Pre-K (i.e. free pre-K), and apparently (we did not know), you get preference at a UPK if you're already enrolled there (same is not true for the UPK's at public schools).

Then it also turns out the neighborhood school, which we moved here for, is ridiculously overcrowded. They are running EIGHT 25-student kindergartens now and probably don't have the space for all of those kids to move through the rest of the school without cutting K in the future. And it's apparently very test-driven and "factory" like according to parents we've talked to, even though it's rated well. So then there's G&T application -- a whole other clusterfuck -- or certain special application-only public schools that are way out of our neighborhood and would mean insane mornings. Or there's moving to the suburbs, or IDK, finding some private school that gives financial aid? But I doubt we'd qualify and I doubt there's much in the way of "merit scholarship" out there at her age. IDK, fuck.

sympathies to you dude, i am not in NYC but our 3yr-old just started preschool in a large urban school system (boston) and shit is very very overwhelming, we happened to get SUPER lucky (ironically) due to J's special needs/autism diagnosis/IEP which got us a spot in a great school and allowed us to avoid the daunting lottery system. best of luck to you and your kid, this is like the main topic all of our friends are talking about right now and it is the main reason a good number of people in our neighborhood move out of the city. it can work well for some though.

Yeah not NYC but Chicago, which as you may have heard, has some issues with its public schools so while I have no advice, I can definitely sympathize.

We don't live in a place near as big as you all, but I hope you find comfort in that this shit happens all over.

here in the ring around Paris school shit is also complicated, further complicated by our being fairly recent arrivals, and my son's middle school has been off/on strike for the last three weeks, which is both hilariously French as well as a mix of shitty and awesome for/from the perspective of my son.

It's so fucking crazy. We had one parent suddenly pull his kid out of our daughter's class and we had no idea why. Then we ran into him and asked what happened, and he said his son was now at ____ instead, but he wouldn't really give us any detail on why. Then we found out that place does have a UPK, and I have a feeling he did it just to get the preference next year. Suddenly we're wondering if we should do the same, but the thing is last year we pulled K out of ____ because we didn't like their twos class, and she's basically happy where she is now. So IDK.

Another parent reportedly got upset with H for even suggesting we were going to try to send K there for UPK, like "DON"T YOU KNOW THERE'S A PREFERENCE!" as though we were trying to take her spot.

DC's universal PK is a godsend

I did not know that a toddler's feet could get so stinky.

For those who don't know me on Facebook, this happened:

*awful noise*
Me: Do we need to change your pants?
Michael: *knowing smile* no
Me: didn't you just poop?
Michael: It's not my problem.

True story

looool

oh god. sorry dude. XD

my son had pretty long hair for a while, like a rocker, and we'd often get told "she's so pretty", & what could you really say but "thanks"

― droit au butt (Euler), Wednesday, 30 September 2015 16:38 (1 week ago) Permalink

have a similar problem where people keep mistaking our one-year old daughter as a boy. contributing factors mainly her hair has never grown out/we've always used a shorthand/male-centric version of her proper name. and the one time she wore overalls.

GO TO FUCKING BED ALREADY
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CRIsCy9UcAAe1sm.jpg

Another night climbing the walls, eh?

dude just will not stay in his room/bed

I guess the conventional wisdom would be just make sure he doesn't get rewarded for getting out, and consistently bring him back every night until he learns to stay? (e.g. no extra story, no snack, no tv, no fun time with dad, etc.) Of course I know the conventional wisdom is always easier to espouse than to follow.

it's just been like this ever since we got him his toddler bed (6 mos ago I think?). And yeah we follow the conventional wisdom consistently, it's always us just carting him back upstairs and putting him in his bed and that's it, but he persists. It's more annoying than anything else, and I'm sure it's a phase that will end, but you know the sooner the better.

i wouldn't want to sleep in that hamper either.

well usually we line it with hay and give him a dead apple doll

I mean we pretty much gave up when the baby was born -- K's sleep habits in her new bed were just not well-established and went to crap when the baby slept with us, so for the first few months we just let her sleep on a mat in our room, and now we've moved both kids to the second bedroom and H sleeps on the trundle in there with them (still feeding the baby at night so this was easiest). The hope is to then transition back to H sleeping in the room with me again in a few months when the baby (hopefully) mostly sleeps through the night.

For those who don't know me on Facebook, this happened:

*awful noise*
Me: Do we need to change your pants?
Michael: *knowing smile* no
Me: didn't you just poop?
Michael: It's not my problem.

True story

― a strawman stuffed with their collection of 12 cds (jjjusten), Sunday, October 11, 2015 6:13 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I thought about this today and LOLed.

should've ended with

Me: It is now.

One sure fire way to tell that Ivy's got a boom boom diaper going on is that I'll say, "Do you need a new diaper?" and she'll say "Noooooo!!!!!!" and run away and hide behind the curtain.

But I guess that's a classic example of not asking a question when you only want a specific answer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LQRmxPqSEQ

<3

haha. my four-year-old just managed to turn on adventure time the other day. she was TRANSFIXED and baffled.

Our first experience dealing with race issues, yay. K (3.5) pulled her eyes slanted and said "I'm a Chinese girl," which she must have heard on the playground or something. I told her as gently as I could that she shouldn't do this, because it could hurt someone's feelings. But she obviously picked up on my underlying discomfort because she looked more ashamed than I have ever seen her. And she is also confused by the whole thing -- I don't think she even gets what it means to hurt someone's feelings, and I'm not even sure if she knows what "a Chinese girl" means. For context, our neighborhood is heavily Chinese and she will be going to a public school that is like 40% Asian, but right now she's in a Jewish preschool that has no Chinese kids. However, our next-door neighbor is Chinese and has a girl her age and there are many Asian kids on the playground.

Anyway, since then she has brought it up a few times and said "If someone does like this (slants eyes) it will hurt my feelings." And any explanation I try to give her just seems to make it worse, even if I assure her she didn't do anything wrong.