ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

i just had two of the worst sleeping nights in months, i probably slept like two hours last night. this is after a few months of waking up every 1-2 hours every single night to get our 1 year old back to sleep

it is just one of those days of such extreme exhaustion that i feel ... like... broken

i am so incoherent at work, i wonder what my colleagues think sometimes, especially those who don't have kids which is quite a lot of them, i just feel brain-dead and completely inarticulate

Having gone through all that and having seen other new parents go through it since then, I'll say that it feels and looks a lot worse from your POV than it probably does from your co-workers.

Doesn't change the fact you feel like shit, but it probably feels worse than it looks.

That's rough man. How do you split up the wakings with the lady? Functioning at work is important, but I think we've all been there.

yea the division of labor w/ my wife is a major issue, we haven't quite found a good rhythm with that

you guys both working similar schedules?

we never solved the division of labor at night problem since my wife was devoted to the tit & I don't have them. or I guess we did solve them: she dealt with the wake-ups. she stayed at home most of those years & I had jobs so our relationship could weather it...but it sucked. when #2 was born I was still finishing my dissertation too so I only slept every other day. I'm happy to have had kids so young (first was born when I was ~25); it must be even harder when you're older.

yea my wife did all the wake-ups for nursing previously, but we've been gradually trying to wean him at night, cutting out feedings one at a time for a few weeks. since last week, we dropped all night feedings so i'm doing most of the wake-ups. it is doable, i guess, on weekends when i can sleep in, but still sleeping in until 9:30 or 10am or so doesn't really compensate for being up all night. weekdays we've been trying to split up the shifts a little but its still been terrible.

as I've posted before my wife nursed our kids for a long time, like 4-5 years, and whatever I might think about that on my own, the fact that it meant she'd still handle night wakings with tit didn't dissuade me.

I'm working and H is home and still nursing so she handles most wakings, but I'm usually up much later and help as long as I'm up. Not to try to scare you Marcos but my job can be high pressure and my performance actually did suffer when I was getting less sleep. A bad night once in a while is manageable on adrenaline but persistent lack of sleep is a problem.

yea it has been a major problem, my boss still thinks i'm doing great work bc i can kind of manage pulling things together for our weekly meeting but i basically show up every day and struggle to do things. procrastination has always been a struggle for me as i've posted elsewhere but when i'm consistently sleep-deprived my ability to concentrate and commit to things just completely tanks

I feel really bad as a procrastinator now because every free moment where I'm not constantly watching the kid to keep him from destroying himself, the dog, or any of our property feels like a rare and valuable gift. Combine that with varying degrees of depression and it's really really fucking hard to will myself into doing anything other than just starting blankly and enjoying solitude when I really should be grading and prepping and answering endless email.

Speaking of weaning, when and how does that happen? At 17 months we're down to a bottle before bed and one before his nap which seems to work fine and since he's always been formula fed it's super easy with no overhead of feeding or pumping on my wife's part. But it feels sort of unnecessary now and we're thinking about trying to cut that back.

Sleep and exercise are the best procrastination fighters for me beyond some strong internal motivation, and that isn't always available.

Yeah those are key things for me too; since the kid I've become much more aware of how regular exercise keeps me sane and had to get over the self-indulgent feeling of going off to work out for two hours because it makes the rest of the hours of the day a lot more productive.

Yeah, my wife and I actually have talked about it a lot and have agreed to fully support each other's regular workouts -- for me this means I go at work lunchtime when I can, but go after work if unable to do lunch and this is understood. For her this means she gets to do her classes on weekends, and occasionally it means she goes early in the morning and I handle all the morning kid stuff. I think it's good to think of it as a non-optional activity, a part of your health regimen like eating properly, brushing your teeth, etc.

It makes us better parents as well.

What are your iPad/screen time rules for your kids? We've been having issues getting Evie off the iPad without a temper tantrum lately, but I'm hesitant to take it away completely because it's how she listens to music and I want her to be able to listen to music. So I'm trying to draft some official rules bc we've been pretty loose about it so far.

Generally on weekdays she uses the iPad for Spotify and Neko Atsume, occasionally for educational apps, but no Netflix. But even with that, she's constantly nagging to "check on her cats" or promising that if we let her listen to music, she'll stop when we say stop, but then she never does.

My little one is 16 months and is obsessed with Youtube. He doesn't know he can pretty much watch anything on there so he's always wanting to watch the videos he's seen before - ones about buses, nursery rhymes, the theme tune to Timmy Time, and, oddly enough, the first bit of this which cracks him up when they start nodding - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FavUpD_IjVY&nohtml5=False

I'm fairly sure his mind will be warped

Anyway I try and limit it but he REALLY hates me stopping him watching it, also he's cottoning on that my phone also has videos. so yeah, advice?!

Since we have two that we have to navigate, our answer has been to not let either of them play with our phones/iPads unless it's under direct supervision while we are doing something that's easier to accomplish while they are distracted, like combing hair or cutting fingernails/toenails. We do play a lot of children's television as background noise but also give them noisy electronic interactive toys as well as stuffed animals and balls so they don't focus all of their attention on just the TV. (That was not planned btw; we just started doing it because neither of us likes having the TV off when we are at home.)

our 3 year old is not really interested in tv, phones, or computers, our 1 year old likes to chew on my phone

I personally don't want them to get into the habit of listening to music on headphones around me because a) I want to be able to passively monitor/check what they're listening to as they grow older and it's much easier if they're used to listening to music over speakers rather than headphones/earbuds; and b) I am super super curious about how their musical tastes will develop and want easy access to the things they start choosing for themselves.

Evie doesn't use headphones. I wish she did because her taste in music is terrible. But yeah, since she's on Spotify, we have to be able to monitor her use.

I'm trying typing up specific rules for the iPad so that she knows exactly what the parameters and consequences are. We'll see how that goes.

The boys can listen to Spotify on their phones, but other than that, they get to play videogames for 40 minutes, 2-3 times per week.

They would play 24/7 if we let them. We gave them free rein on our plane ride to Thailand, and they played Geometry Dash for like 10 hours straight.

My partner lets both his kids play games and watch TV as much as they like, and at one point it culminated in the 10 year old staying up ALL NIGHT skyping his mate in the UK in bed on the ipad, so that had to get banned.

But the wailing and hysterics when you tell them they cant be on the PC anymore is, frankly, startling to me.

It doesnt help that said partner is on the PC/consoles as much as his kids are.

sunday night is "games night", so they get to use phones/playstation then. sometimes they trade it in for "movie night". it is the greatest rule we ever made, stole it direct from Steady Mike. they NEVER pester us for phones. we do occasionally use them as stay-awake tool in a crisis.

they watch TV almost every day, probably about 45 minutes to an hour, either cbeebies, cbbc, netflix or illegally downloaded french stuff. there are a lot of arguments about it.

For those who let your children stream music, what would you not want them to listen to? Not criticizing, just curious as to what's in and what's out at what age. I haven't though about it much. Although I do play Nelly frequently for Ivy.

I avoid songs that have obvious cursing in them as I don't want to get any startled reports from day care. (There is a Kendrick exception but it usually only lasts 2-3 songs before I get uncomfortable.)

We haven't really talked about it and it's not really an issue since she's mostly still interested in "kid music"; I'm more worried she'll accidentally click on something bc she tries to search for stuff herself. She was into that song "Stiches" for a while and when you search that the incredibly profane rapper Stitches comes up too. But yeah trying to avoid swearing/sexual innuendo/racial epithets, you know, the classics.

K became very conscious in the last 6 months of "kid music" and "grown up music" and only wants to listen to "kid music." I'm not sure where she got this concept, I certainly did not promote it. The exception for whatever reason is classical music, which she likes. I have tried non-classical stuff that I like with her, but I think that my tastes tend too much toward the melancholic for a four year old. She did sort of like Beatles, but hasn't requested it again. The new rule we have now that she understands "turns" is that if she gets her music in one direction in the car, mom and dad get their music in the other direction. I also asked her once if she wanted to hear the album that her daddy played drums on and she said "no."

Whenever my wife sings high notes (she is a soprano and has glorious high notes up to the E above the soprano high C), one of our kids bursts into tears.

Evie has no patience at all for music that she did not select. It's pretty annoying bc we can't play any music without her whining about when is it her turn to pick a song (the 45 minutes of Kidz Bop we were forced to listen to yesterday doesn't count apparently). Sarah was just saying this morning that she misses being able to listen to music without headphones. The only thing that works is if we take turns because that's recognizably "fair."

Often when I'm playing guitar, my youngest will walk over and mute my strings with her hand.

We've found it easier to just not allow any phone/tablet time at all for our 5yo and almost 2yo. From some early exposure the older one had it just seemed too alluring and too difficult to draw him out of. It's not too hard though because neither of them were ever given any indication that this was something they could use sometimes; in our house those are devices that adults use (and we try not use them too much in front of the kids) so they don't really know that they're missing out. We do allow the older one to play PBS and Nick Jr games on the computer once a week or so, with the understanding that a timer will be set for 30 min or an hour and computer time is over when the alarm goes off. For music the older one knows how to use a CD player or he asks us to stream Pandora for him. (For those with the kids' music problem -- we went through that too but be reassured that it's just a phase -- a painful one, yes, but they'll get over it before too long.)

TV is a bigger problem for us. We were good about not letting the first one see any TV until he was between 2 and 3, but we didn't have the strength to keep the little one away from it after he turned 1 and wanted to be in the same room as his brother. I feel guilty about it but I don't know how we'd ever get a meal cooked or a load of laundry done or sometimes even just sit and have an adult conversation if we didn't let them sit and watch for a while. We only recently allowed shows outside of PBS and it's amazing how advertising gets into their heads. At dinner the other night the 5yo asked my wife what kind of paper towels we used, and said if we had Bounty we could wipe up 28 more spills.

omg lol.

i am perpetually haunted by commercials, jingles, news opens, etc. that were on TV when I was a child

The other day J pointed at our neighbor's Corolla and said "Toyot". I blame the CBS/ABC comedies we have on in the background while playing with them.

We do all streaming, so no advertisements.

Often when I'm playing guitar, my youngest will walk over and mute my strings with her hand.

― how's life, Friday, April 15, 2016 9:52 AM (37 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yup

Whenever my wife sings high notes (she is a soprano and has glorious high notes up to the E above the soprano high C), one of our kids bursts into tears.

― i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Friday, 15 April 2016 14:33 (1 hour ago) Permalink

I may have told you I grew up with singer parents -- mom is a soprano and dad is a tenor. I used to hate it. I also apparently met Mr Rogers once at a meet-and-greet at the national zoo, and when he started singing the show theme song to me I said "NO SINGING PLEASE!"

Often when I'm playing guitar, my youngest will walk over and mute my strings with her hand.

I have my acoustic upstairs in the living room and when I play it mine will walk over yelling "pick! pick!" until I hand him one and he starts beating on the strings and laughing maniacally while I hold chord shapes. Then he usually throws the pick into the sound hole.

:D Yeah, we have a similar routine too. It depends on her mood.

mine will walk over yelling "pick! pick!" until I hand him one and he starts beating on the strings and laughing maniacally while I hold chord shapes. Then he usually throws the pick into the sound hole.

oh so it's not just my son that does this then. altho sometimes he'll demand that I stop playing sometimes too, to which I respond with either playing one of his favorite songs (Kraftwerk's "We Are the Robots", the Spider-Man or Batman 60s tv theme, "The Wheels on the Bus") - doesn't always work though

lol my daughter does exactly the same thing as joygoat's son

and how's life's and shakey's, I see

actually, that's what she did. She's 4 now and seems momentarily uninterested in guitar. She told me she is "an artist and a dance, but not a musician." Basically going through another mommy phase again.

New Yorker families are invited out to a whole bunch of SummerStage shows:

Brooklyn Family Day:
Rich Medina, RAAA, Urban Word NYC and Hi-Arts: Journal to Journey, Ziearre
June 19 – Sunday - 4:00pm - Red Hook Park, Brooklyn – FREE SHOW

SummerStage Circus:
Acrobuffos, Rob and Miss Jane, Sxip’s Hour of Charm, It’s Showtime NYC
July 9 – Saturday - 7:00pm – Crotona Park, Bronx – FREE SHOW

Central Park Family Day:
Justin Roberts and The Not Ready for Naptime Players, Mister G,
Excerpts from Broadway’s Finding Neverland, Purelements, Gizmo Guys
July 10 – Sunday – 2:00pm – Central Park, Manhattan – FREE SHOW

Bronx Family Day:
Legacy Women, Recess Monkey, Music With a Message, Double Dutch Dreamz
July 17 – Sunday – 4:00pm – St. Mary’s Park, Bronx – FREE SHOW

Queens Family Jazz Day:
Marc Cary: The Harlem Sessions, Joseph Webb: Dancing Buddhas
WBGO Kids Jazz featuring Brianna Thomas and The Jazz Travelers
July 31 – Sunday – 4:00pm – Queensbridge Park, Queens – FREE SHOW

Staten Island Family Day:
Secret Agent 23 Skidoo, Sierra Leone Dance Troupe, Wahoo Skiffle Crazies
August 7 – Sunday – 4:00pm – Clove Lakes Park, Staten Island – FREE SHOW

Manhattan Family Day:
DJ Spinna celebrates Earth, Wind and Fire – Shine and The Moonbeams
August 14 – Sunday – 4:00pm – East River Park, Manhattan – FREE SHOW

SummerStage Circus:
Kalabanté Circus, Iron Skulls and Quim Moya, Sxip’s Hour of Charm
August 20 – Saturday – 7:00pm – Marcus Garvey Park, Manhattan – FREE SHOW

SummerStage Circus:
Kalabanté Circus, Iron Skulls and Quim Moya, Sxip’s Hour of Charm
August 21 – Sunday – 7:00pm – Marcus Garvey Park, Manhattan – FREE SHOW

Often when I'm playing guitar, my youngest will walk over and mute my strings with her hand.

― how's life, Friday, April 15, 2016 9:52 AM (37 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

mine is interested when she sees it until i pick it up to try and play, at which point she goes "no no no no no no."

to her credit, i can't play for shit.

Dex was into guitar for a while, we got him a little basic acoustic and he had a couple of lessons, but he got bored of it really fast cos it was too hard, and he's very easily frustrated to give up on things. Plus when I'd try and engage him in it he'd ask me to play something and lol, I also cant play for shit, which didnt help :(

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFID7JeL-bg

This one shows interest every once in a while.

It's been rough with my older one. He's a lefty, but many years ago when I went to a music store to pick up a Squier Mini, the sales clerk gave me some bullshit explanation about how it's much easier for kids to just go ahead and learn right-handed which I bought into hook line and sinker because it was a week before Christmas and I was stressed out of my mind. It wasn't until a lot later that I thought of all the lefty guitar players who very much didn't play right handed. So recently, I restrung one of my acoustics upside-down for him. He's not really in a guitar-playing mood right now, but it'll be there if he wants to learn.