Your momma's so dumb she thought abstain was what happens when a guy pulls out
― socka flocka-jones (man alive), Thursday, 7 July 2016 01:15 (seven years ago) link
Homemade gross
― 6 god none the richer (m bison), Thursday, 7 July 2016 01:38 (seven years ago) link
What do you play when you have coffee in the morning and you're in a rush? Poopmon Go
― mom us (map), Tuesday, 12 July 2016 04:16 (seven years ago) link
This one is quite labored and awkward, hope you like it:
Q: Where did the British Crossfit athlete go to feel better after losing the competition? A: The Chin-Up Bar.
― socka flocka-jones (man alive), Tuesday, 19 July 2016 21:43 (seven years ago) link
Nice one.
― o. nate, Wednesday, 20 July 2016 00:40 (seven years ago) link
the more labored the better.
― estela, Wednesday, 20 July 2016 01:04 (seven years ago) link
....and you two! You're as bad for encouraging him!
― poor fiddy-less albion (darraghmac), Wednesday, 20 July 2016 11:45 (seven years ago) link
I heard farms will no longer produce circular bales of hay.
Cows couldn't get a square meal.
― Al Moon Faced Poon (Moodles), Thursday, 18 August 2016 03:47 (seven years ago) link
Whole Foods is getting rid of their shredded cheese.
They want to make America grate again.
― Al Moon Faced Poon (Moodles), Thursday, 18 August 2016 03:48 (seven years ago) link
I heard chefs in France only use one egg in their omelets.
They say one is un oeuf.
― Al Moon Faced Poon (Moodles), Thursday, 18 August 2016 03:50 (seven years ago) link
Great stuff!
― niels, Thursday, 18 August 2016 06:16 (seven years ago) link
Egg one is as old as the hills (usually the punchline is "un oeuf is un oeuf"). It's good though!
― the enigma of dagmar krause (wins), Thursday, 18 August 2016 09:57 (seven years ago) link
Un oeuf. Ein ei. Un huevo. ONE BLEEDIN’ EGG!
― imago, Thursday, 18 August 2016 10:08 (seven years ago) link
Going waaaaaaaay back, here's a couple of jokes me and my brother made up:
Q: What do you call a Glaswegian rock 'n' roll singer who is a recovering alcoholic?A: Chuck Bevvy.
That was mine, this was my brother's:
Q: What do you call a Glaswegian impressionist?A: Zack Same.
I'm sure there's more I can't remember right now.
― Aw naw, no' Annoni oan an' aw noo (Tom D.), Thursday, 18 August 2016 10:10 (seven years ago) link
I'm sure my brother had one about the World's Greatest Lover and road traffic, the punchline of which was Crossanova. Can't remember the actual joke though.
― Aw naw, no' Annoni oan an' aw noo (Tom D.), Thursday, 18 August 2016 10:12 (seven years ago) link
Presumably involves a Vauxhall Nova
― imago, Thursday, 18 August 2016 10:31 (seven years ago) link
Predates the Vauxhall Nova by some years.
― Aw naw, no' Annoni oan an' aw noo (Tom D.), Thursday, 18 August 2016 10:49 (seven years ago) link
... or maybe not, it appears the Vauxhall Nova is an old car. Apologies, I know nothing about cars.
― Aw naw, no' Annoni oan an' aw noo (Tom D.), Thursday, 18 August 2016 10:50 (seven years ago) link
My initiation to music took place in an old A-registration Jif-yellow Nova. Wonderful little car. There's no punchline, btw
― imago, Thursday, 18 August 2016 11:21 (seven years ago) link
I guess my mum totalled it and it got taken to a dump, where its furnishings were presumably incinerated. Then we upgraded. It was just like playing A-Jif in pyres
― imago, Thursday, 18 August 2016 11:25 (seven years ago) link
I think, the joke was something about crossing over to the other side of the road, rather than any reference to a Vauxhall Nova. A chicken may well have been involved.
― Aw naw, no' Annoni oan an' aw noo (Tom D.), Thursday, 18 August 2016 11:28 (seven years ago) link
Crossin' over vs cross a Nova
― imago, Thursday, 18 August 2016 11:30 (seven years ago) link
the dance eternal
I have a pretty good one-liner idea that I haven't found the exact right wording for, but basically:
"In the latest example of heathen liberals taking God out of everything, TGIFridays is now known as Fridays."
― socka flocka-jones (man alive), Monday, 22 August 2016 20:49 (seven years ago) link
you hear about the grass that got recently converted? christian bale.
― remy bean, Monday, 22 August 2016 20:51 (seven years ago) link
I really like that one
― socka flocka-jones (man alive), Monday, 22 August 2016 20:52 (seven years ago) link
• Spongy baked good now known simply as Food Cake.
― pplains, Monday, 22 August 2016 21:01 (seven years ago) link
XPs you hear about his friend that criticised his new faith? christian slater
― kinder, Monday, 22 August 2016 21:01 (seven years ago) link
ISIS's plan to go after solicitors of prostitution and infidels: Jon Snow, Christian Slater
― socka flocka-jones (man alive), Monday, 22 August 2016 21:16 (seven years ago) link
Not sure if this one is original or I heard it somewhere
Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?A: I'm just asking questions!
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Monday, 5 September 2016 16:25 (seven years ago) link
Why don't Feeder like going to South Beach?
Cause it's a seedy playa playa playa playa
― meh 😐 (wins), Monday, 5 September 2016 17:05 (seven years ago) link
Also, their drummer committed suicide in Miami so it has bad associations for them.
― meh 😐 (wins), Monday, 5 September 2016 17:06 (seven years ago) link
omg
― 6 god none the richer (m bison), Monday, 5 September 2016 17:21 (seven years ago) link
q: what did the lawyer say when he bought a bag of ice at 7-11 and it was kinda melted into water already?a: the just ice system is rigged.
― 6 god none the richer (m bison), Sunday, 18 September 2016 21:01 (seven years ago) link
What's Eddie Vedder and a kid on Christmas morning got in common?
They both got hit with a surprise left.
― pplains, Monday, 19 September 2016 14:31 (seven years ago) link
- Honey, remember how in fall of 1976 we built a big tent on the backyard and put a stereo system there, so we could listen to music in peace?- Yeah, I remember that! And during the holidays we invited the neighbours over and played Donna Summer and danced all night.- It was the the winter of our disco tent.
― Tuomas, Thursday, 29 September 2016 13:01 (seven years ago) link
- Should've never put that tent over Grandpa's burial plot though, especially after you lost your tools and it fell over.
- Listen, it was a grave missed stake!
― pplains, Thursday, 29 September 2016 13:13 (seven years ago) link
knock knockwho's there?alal who?al dente
― massaman gai, Thursday, 29 September 2016 14:07 (seven years ago) link
that one's a little underdone
― laraaji p. henson (Stevie D(eux)), Thursday, 29 September 2016 16:14 (seven years ago) link
What did the atheist say when they met Jesus?"You're Jesus? You must be Jew-king!"
― emil.y, Thursday, 20 October 2016 22:23 (seven years ago) link
When it comes to cheese varieties, I always recommend you pick the sheepest option
― fgti, Tuesday, 25 October 2016 00:19 (seven years ago) link
the key to coming up with a good tap pun is not to faucet
― Lennon, Elvis, Hendrix etc (dog latin), Tuesday, 25 October 2016 00:53 (seven years ago) link
q: what is a juggalo's favorite breakfast?a: a baygo
― Fluffy Saint-Bernard (Stevie D(eux)), Thursday, 30 March 2017 14:08 (seven years ago) link
I'm dating a blind woman.
You've really got to hand it to her.
― Hideous Lump, Friday, 31 March 2017 03:33 (seven years ago) link
Hiyooooo
― virginity simple (darraghmac), Friday, 31 March 2017 06:42 (seven years ago) link
What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?- Get down.
What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.
― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, 31 March 2017 11:40 (seven years ago) link
haha
― PressAnarchyToContinue (Ste), Friday, 31 March 2017 12:04 (seven years ago) link
hahaha thats great
― nice cage (m bison), Saturday, 1 April 2017 00:15 (seven years ago) link
Q: What did seven-time Grammy award winning recording artist Phil Collins, the legendary frontman of British prog-rock group Genesis, as well as a respected solo artist in his own right, after leaving his former life behind him to move to Hermosillo, Mexico with the dream of becoming a landlord, after plunking down a hefty portion of his sizable life savings to acquire multiple moderately-priced apartment buildings throughout the area just so he could live out his lifelong dream of becoming a landlord and renting out small apartments to hard-working but cash-strapped Mexicans, say to his very first, very excited tenant, after of course processing their background check and contacting references, but right before handing over the keys?
A: "Aquí están las claves de su studio."
― del griffith, Saturday, 6 May 2017 01:02 (seven years ago) link
Classic, though I am a sucker for those kind of Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups that are generally way funnier than the punchline itself.
― some sad trombone Twilight Zone shit (cryptosicko), Saturday, 6 May 2017 03:31 (seven years ago) link