Swiping people left and right: the Tinder/hook-up culture discussion

it's not like you absolutely never meet strangers in public though. people in london have barriers but i've still made a lot of good friends at random. also through hobbies.

i met one close friend at 4am when i was drinking in my friend's living room, on the ground floor and she was passing with a friend and knocked on the window. another close friend i just met in a pub. maybe it's diff as far as romance goes.

imo the "meet a random stranger" thing is less likely than going to the same places regularly and starting a conversation based on running into each other all the time

through hobbies = through social circles

drinking at 4am = meeting in a club (in terms of the vibe, the state of mind people are in)

i know other ppl are a lot more open to strangers in pubs than i am, i'm very guarded and only have time for the ppl i'm there with

I feel sort of nostalgic for the brief period in my life when I tried to randomly date strangers or near-strangers, even though it never worked out. The summer after my freshman year in college I was in NYC and randomly asked out this absolutely beautiful coffee shop clerk and she said yes, and I was like "holy shit, that worked!" and felt briefly ecstatic. Only once we were on the date she was rather shocked to learn that I was only 18 and, she turned out to be 23 or something, and it seemed that I was just completely out of the question at that point and the rest of the date was awkward. In another case, again someone who I thought was way out of my league, a *friend* of hers muscled in on the date at the last minute (at a jazz show) and ruined it on purpose by being a dick all night.

who goes to the same public places regularly? like at the same time every week? that is strange behaviour to me. apart from the commute i guess.

isn't this the reason people used to join softball leagues, take dance lessons (or even just go to "dances"), other assorted old timey hobbies? main difference now is that, more and more, "dating" has become a distinct social activity and not merely the (often intended) consequence of other social engagements?

it kind of depends on the pub i guess - most places would be weird or require someone to "approach" a person, but some pubs have a more natural mingling of people.

i dunno if it's just tourist's envy, but when i visit nyc i always feel like meeting people must be far easier. people just talk to each other in bars in a way that never happens in london. people go to bars alone etc. as i say tho, dunno if i'm over-romanticising a foreign city.

also Treeship otm on the intrinsic humiliation of first dates.

it's more that tourists behave that way, when i'm on holiday i'm like HI I WILL TALK TO ANYONE IN THIS PLACE HAPPILY whereas if i'm at home i'll just glare at anyone who even thinks about making me take my headphones off

isn't this the reason people used to join softball leagues, take dance lessons (or even just go to "dances"), other assorted old timey hobbies? main difference now is that, more and more, "dating" has become a distinct social activity and not merely the (often intended) consequence of other social engagements?

― ryan, Friday, July 29, 2016 11:28 AM (21 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

there's something happening here... not to put too fine a pt on it, but i think it used to be that workplaces (esp), neighborhood and social gatherings, churches etc, unmarried women were p much fair game? a lot of the "acceptable" milieux for making a pass have closed, rightfully. yes i am blaming feminism lol.

xp

that's part of it but not all ime. i came here a bunch as a tourist and met loads of people. i'm definitely less open than i was now i live here. but going to the bar alone is much more normal thing to do here. the bars a literally physically set up for it, and to encourage strangers to talk to each other.

who goes to the same public places regularly? like at the same time every week? that is strange behaviour to me. apart from the commute i guess.

― lex pretend, Friday, July 29, 2016 11:26 AM (28 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

not to be needlessly snarky but it's a more common exp if you don't live in one of the world's top 25 megalopoli

isn't it fairly common for most people? not routinely but eg drinking in a pub near your home or work, using similar stations daily, returning to places you like - seems almost impossible for this not to happen

once the server starts to anticipate my order i feel it's time to move on.

caek otm - in ny you sit at the bar and meet people who may well be there just to hang around and chat to others, at least so it seems to me. I spent a Sunday evening in a bar and met a playwright in his 60s and a woman in her 30s who worked in advertising around the corner, personally I love this kind of thing, but I guess some wouldn't.

there are at least two or three places I've been semi-regular at where walking in feels like an episode of cheers

yeah the best things do legit come from meeting your friend's friends that you somehow haven't met before, and they are cute and you hit it off

I have been coupled for 20 years (married for 15) and this is for sure how I met my wife and how I met every girlfriend I ever had, at least once I was past the stage where "we had a class together in college" was how you met people.

I did sometimes Ask Someone Out and Have a First Date but I can't think of a time when that developed into a real relationship (or even a fake relationship)

end of old-timer reminiscence

my parents met at a party, which is funny, because I can't picture either of them at a party

they also had sex just fyi

i've got proof of that one though

who ever did that anyway? douchebags and the dim?

― illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, 29 July 2016 09:01 (10 hours ago) Permalink

uh i agree with the other stuff that you said but this actually happened to me a few times

the last one was on new years day at a bar. i went up to pay and a lady and her male friend were sitting having drinks. im waiting for the bartender to come back with my bill and i sense someone looking at me. i turn to her and kind of do a polite smile. my bill comes and i grab a pen and as im getting ready to sign it she grabs my hands and gives me this cheesy sexual look and signals to me and her guy friend next to her and asks if i want to have a threesome

the other times were a lot more normal experiences but it also involved a woman proposing some type of date

everyone needs at least one creepy threesome proposal story

I knew them from friends, or from work, or some other setting that put each us in each other's ambit. There was a filter already, based on social circumstances, education, job, a pre-swiping that had occurred which facilitated things.

― illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, July 29, 2016 3:14 PM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

so to go back to this

i think the people you meet under the circumstances that youve described are of much better quality as trite as it sounds to say

but hooking up was definitely a thing at clubs and house parties. i mean i noticed it happen often wherever i happened to be

I met my current gf as a stranger in a coffee shop. Though I wasn't really trying to hit on her, I was bored at a work meeting and thought it was cool that she was carrying around a Flann O'Brien book.

ya i have to say im not entirely agreeing with people here

it doesnt happen in my current city but in previous ones my pals and i would constantly talk to strangers at bars all the time

we are also regulars at a few places -- its less of a thing in this city but it does happen in other cities

and i also met my gf at a coffee shop

and i just remembered when i was reading portrait of the artist at a coffee shop once and this girl started talking to me and we socialized for a few months after

(didnt work out bc she is a hardcore christian)

not to put too fine a pt on it, but i think it used to be that workplaces (esp), neighborhood and social gatherings, churches etc, unmarried women were p much fair game? a lot of the "acceptable" milieux for making a pass have closed, rightfully. yes i am blaming feminism lol.

― goole, Friday, July 29, 2016 4:55 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I've wished I knew someone to date and I've wished that I could meet more date-able people but I've never wished that inappropriate men would hit on me more often in public while I was busy doing something I enjoyed with my friends. When it has happened, it makes me so awkward and uncomfortable and even mad.

apart from a few short relationships i was single until i was 27 and constantly out in public gatherings - bars primarily, but also parties - and i only ever approached a stranger to say hi once. tinder would've been useful for me lol.

once the server starts to anticipate my order i feel it's time to move on.

― ryan, Friday, July 29, 2016 5:12 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

*tips hat* yep *morricone theme*

i have to reapproach dating now that i'm living healthier. less "i desperately need you to love me" and more "do we have similar goals." i do need some goals first.

There was a brief period where I would get approached sometime by women, never that often. I was a bit thinner then but I think the main thing I had going for me was more confident body language

were you in college

No i dont count that

less "i desperately need you to love me"

go to a coffeeshop wearing a placard saying this and see what develops

basically meeting someone on tindr is like finding a new song via some spotify discovery feature. maybe it's alright but it lacks the layers of meaning it would have if it were a consequence of another part of your social life.

i mean, unless that person is really hotttt

usually lacks layers... of clothing!!

heck yeah

No awkward threesome proposal but I got a message on Tinder from a polyamorous woman - but she was looking to date-date and not just casually hookup, while maintaining her main relationship.

All the work of actually dating without the possibility of relationship intimacy developing sounded like a drag.

I can understand intimacy developing in even secondary poly relationships, i just can't figure out how anyone has the time.

I get approached every now and then, mostly when I'm dancing. I dance pretty well for a white guy. There's also been quite a few women who've written the first message to me on tinder, mostly because I wrote in my profile text that I like to dance.

My point being: Learn how to dance. Or at least to look happy while you try.

I can't dance but I can (sort of) cook and when I was using Tinder I'd make moments whenever I would bake or make cornbread and that generated an awesome response.
No cooking in the clubs, though.

I know two good dishes. Risotto and Jambalaya. That's good for a couple of dates.

Based God begs to differ

Xp

basically meeting someone on tindr is like finding a new song via some spotify discovery feature. maybe it's alright but it lacks the layers of meaning it would have if it were a consequence of another part of your social life.

― illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Friday, July 29, 2016 3:53 PM (48 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This strikes me as a good insight.

The whole thing about the rules of public approach having changed seems tricky. I mean I'm speaking hypothetically here because I've been out of things about 15 years now, but I've definitely heard some women say stuff like "Look, if I'm sitting in a coffee shop reading a book, it means I want to read my book, not be hit on by strangers." Which seems, you know, pretty reasonable. The other day my office had an outing at a placer with a driving range, and one fairly attractive female co-worker came in after driving for a little while and was just like "Ugh, this is why I never go to driving ranges," because apparently two different guys during her time out there came over and tried to give her "pointers." At the same time, since there is a history of people hooking up or coupling up as a result of public encounters, it seems sort of weird to lose that entire avenue to people meeting.

well, presumably/hopefully there are forms of meeting people from scratch in public that do not fall under mansplaining or interrupting people when they are obviously trying to read. i don't think we have to sign off on The Death Of Meeting People just yet.

the other forms are equally awful

Well yeah, but I mean you could make an argument about almost any public space. A person doing any activity may not want to be interrupted. A person standing at bus stop or riding a subway could feel captive/uncomfortable. Same for a person in the middle of doing a job, e.g. a clerk or cashier or restaurant worker.