ending a friendship

well that's the difference!

friendships that are worth it should be worked on, sure, but it shouldn't take work just to be friends - that's how I took NV's statement

yeah, friendships are not effortless but "friendship counseling" is not a thing unless it's about an inability to hold any friendship whatsoever, then it's probably about defining your approach to the concept of friendship

People you do lots of favours for, and help, and all that. And yet, come they day you need them to do something, and they magically recall that one time you couldn't help them because of being too busy.

I am wrestling w this at the moment, though i think I may end up just adjusting the level to "fun acquaintance" rather than ending the friendship completely

if i did end it, it would probably just be slow ghosting over time rather than a direct breakup

most of the time it's almost zero maintenance bc she doesnt even really want to talk or hang out, so much so that i am paranoid when i do reach out that I'm being annoying. so it's like why are we friends? but then when she is going thru something it's like a world event & she deploys this bloody flotilla of friends like we're the fuckin national guard.
the past month she had minor surgery & it has has been world-event times 100 & i just had to dip out.
i'm fucking tired of being strategically deployed. esp because i dont think she would do the same for me! she's like the least dependable person i know.

it's hard to stare all of it down & really ~decide~...it starts to feel v lonely

I had a friend who I sort of did this with some years back... no official "I'm done with this" thing, but I kind of cracked it at him on FB chat one day and said "I've known you for umpteen years and you've never once ceased making some kind of lame, jokey insult at my expense, thinking its funny, and frankly I'm fed up with it". He replied with ":-/" and I never spoke to him again lol.

But seriously, every conversation was some crack at my hair, my home cleanliness, my inability to drive, my height, etc etc all in this 50s comedian roast manner, and it got REALLY TIRED after about 10 years.

I think a romantic relationship/marriage is v different to a friendship for some obvious reasons

because the story didn't have any indication that the annoyance was with this happening despite protest!

― mh, Wednesday, August 10, 2016 5:49 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

re: friendship as a transaction, I always hated how I had this one friend who always insisted (despite my protests) on picking up the tab when we hung out

you call that an indication???

Mrs Doyle fight

lol (two weeks pass)

I thought you meant you protested when he attempted to pay ("No, please, I'll get it") and not calling out on the behavior ("I prefer to pay for myself, please stop getting the bill every time we go out, because I am not comfortable with that")

I'm guilty of repeatedly telling people lightly that I don't want something at the time but not drawing a line that it's something I prefer for all incidents

weird when people do this w/o a word but avoiding conflict is how some people roll

now see, this is the side i'm interested in. why is it weird? why is conflict avoidance weird? does it need to be a conflict at all? why are words important to tie this thing up?

not trying to stoke a flame here mind you, just genuinely interested.

adults well into their middle years should be able to articulate why they no longer wish to communicate with people they once sought out for companionship/conversation

youngsters are understood to be a bit more fickle

there really doesn't need to be conflict, but ghosting in the absence of some abusive behavior seems shitty

but this is fairly common behavior, just seems a bit disappointing, not reprehensible

fair enough! thank you.

I guess all I have to add is that "abusive behavior" may not be quite otm, there almost certainly is a...spectrum of sensitivities to personal relationships? stupid as that sounds. it must be a disease, though if it's as common as it seems that is a little bit distressing.

adults well into their middle years should be able to articulate why they no longer wish to communicate with people they once sought out for companionship/conversation

But, like, why would you want to hurt somebody if you didn't need to? Obviously if the person notices that you're ghosting and asks you specifically then the adult thing to do is to let them know, but most people don't really notice a cooling off. If you're messaging/calling/arranging to see them just to tell them that there is an aspect of their personality that you don't like and for that reason you would rather not be friends any more, that's not adult and responsible behaviour, that's just cruelty.

"Hey Bob, sorry I haven't seen you much recently, I've decided to prioritise my friends who don't do that embarrassing slurpy thing when they eat. Bye forever."

Completely otm imo

never realised how unusual it was to not do friendship accounting/try to optimise social relations

not sure "abusive behavior" is necessarily accurate in all cases when they just might not be a great friend
I mean, if I did something genuinely irritating or socially abusive it'd be good to be clued in
I don't need a call or letter from someone when they decide to stop being my friend because I rebuke their political rants.