Homemade Jokes

Also, their drummer committed suicide in Miami so it has bad associations for them.

omg

q: what did the lawyer say when he bought a bag of ice at 7-11 and it was kinda melted into water already?
a: the just ice system is rigged.

What's Eddie Vedder and a kid on Christmas morning got in common?

They both got hit with a surprise left.

- Honey, remember how in fall of 1976 we built a big tent on the backyard and put a stereo system there, so we could listen to music in peace?
- Yeah, I remember that! And during the holidays we invited the neighbours over and played Donna Summer and danced all night.
- It was the the winter of our disco tent.

- Should've never put that tent over Grandpa's burial plot though, especially after you lost your tools and it fell over.

- Listen, it was a grave missed stake!

knock knock
who's there?
al
al who?
al dente

that one's a little underdone

What did the atheist say when they met Jesus?
"You're Jesus? You must be Jew-king!"

When it comes to cheese varieties, I always recommend you pick the sheepest option

the key to coming up with a good tap pun is not to faucet

q: what is a juggalo's favorite breakfast?
a: a baygo

I'm dating a blind woman.

You've really got to hand it to her.

Hiyooooo

What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get down.

What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.

haha

hahaha thats great

Q: What did seven-time Grammy award winning recording artist Phil Collins, the legendary frontman of British prog-rock group Genesis, as well as a respected solo artist in his own right, after leaving his former life behind him to move to Hermosillo, Mexico with the dream of becoming a landlord, after plunking down a hefty portion of his sizable life savings to acquire multiple moderately-priced apartment buildings throughout the area just so he could live out his lifelong dream of becoming a landlord and renting out small apartments to hard-working but cash-strapped Mexicans, say to his very first, very excited tenant, after of course processing their background check and contacting references, but right before handing over the keys?

A: "Aquí están las claves de su studio."

Classic, though I am a sucker for those kind of Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups that are generally way funnier than the punchline itself.

What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get down.

What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.

― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, March 31, 2017 7:40 AM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e-htZLNAdo

Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups

I was thinkin Norm MacDonald, but I feel ya brah

also, cow, get down

Jute Gyte walks into a bar and sits down next to another white, Nordic-looking guy.

Gyte: "Hey brother, nice to see there's still some good people left, the way the neighborhood's changing..."

Other guy: "Stop right there sir, I don't think I agree with what you're saying"

Gyte: "I didn't say anything, I'm.... Just Intoning"

xxp OMG the secret is out!

joke i wrote on my fb a while ago:

I want to write a buddy cop movie where Stephen King joins the FBI on request because he's so smart at figuring out crimes, but he needs to work with INTERPOL who have hired Jean Claude Van Damme due to his charisma and fighting prowess, so the two are forced to work together to stop maybe some diamond smugglers or something. With King as the smarts and JCVD as the brawn they face the world's scummiest criminals.

The movie would be called The Brain & Muscles From Maine & Brussels.

still one of my faves tbh

One I wasted on FaceBook before I quit it:

Banal sentence with
Right syllabic properties
Becomes lame poem

For semi-complicated reasons, we had to drive to Sikeston, Missouri, this weekend to pick up our new pooch.

While we were waiting in the parking lot, I said to sunny, Wouldn't it be wild if this was this guy's game, telling families he's got a dog for them, but they have to pick it up in Sikeston? Then when families show up and there's no dog, he sends a text that simply says.... Sike?

TSA: Mr. Kerry Livgren, we need to search your bag. The x-ray scanner shows what looks like a small child stuck in there.

Kerry Livgren: Sir, I appreciate your concern. I just wanted to carry on my wayward son.

did you hear about the time Eminem misplaced his low strong cart without fixed sides, used for carrying heavy loads?

he forgot about dray

What did the USS John McCain say to the USS Gabrielle Giffords when she cornered him at the P.F. Chang's to ask if he'd like to make a donation to the Hurricane Harvey relief effort fund?

"I appreciate you asking, USS Gabrielle Giffords, but this is a less than ideal time for me as I am currently enjoying a Chinese food meal with my wife here at the P.F. Chang's restaurant."

What's the difference between a campaign finance reform bill and a Brit with dementia?

One is McCain-Feingold and the other "can't find m'kangol"

You received a personal letter from a conservative catholic NYTimes columnist?

Sincerely Douthat.

A French cyclist is bringing out a range of New Romantic themed cycling gear called Spandex Bardet.

Have you guys heard about the new Shakespearean hip-hop artist, Perchance the Rapper?

:D

I went to a restaurant the other day.

The waiter said, “Are you ready to order?”

I said, “Get me my fucking food!”

I went to the dentist the other day.

The dentist said, “How often do you brush?”

I said, “Onry when I’m feering shy.”

Someone else made this one up but I love it:

What is Forrest Gump's computer password?

1forrest1

password strength = weak

What is Terry Riley's favourite nursery rhyme?

In C Wincey Spider

It's too late, I already ate the last of the cheese

It was a feta-compli

It's too late, I already ate the last of the cheese

It was a feta-compli

haha

Did you hear about the leather maker who stubbornly refused to put a nap on any of his products?

He just couldn’t be suede.

Did you hear about the US mayor who put out online instructions for making japanese noodle soup?

Ramen E-manual

Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't put his shirt on?

He just kept putting it off.

-or-

Why did the guy decide not to put on a shirt?

In the end, he didn't think he'd be able to pull it off.

*points to display name*

Why did the dyslexic celiac fly from Stansted?

Because he was Luton intolerant!

What’s red and shakes the windows?
Beets by Dre

What’s waterproof and stays home alone?
McAulay Caulking

Evan Dando & Eminem just released a single: It’s a Shame about Dre

:-)

What's angry and stays home alone?

McAulay Saulking.