knock knockwho's there?alal who?al dente
― massaman gai, Thursday, 29 September 2016 14:07 (seven years ago) link
that one's a little underdone
― laraaji p. henson (Stevie D(eux)), Thursday, 29 September 2016 16:14 (seven years ago) link
What did the atheist say when they met Jesus?"You're Jesus? You must be Jew-king!"
― emil.y, Thursday, 20 October 2016 22:23 (seven years ago) link
When it comes to cheese varieties, I always recommend you pick the sheepest option
― fgti, Tuesday, 25 October 2016 00:19 (seven years ago) link
the key to coming up with a good tap pun is not to faucet
― Lennon, Elvis, Hendrix etc (dog latin), Tuesday, 25 October 2016 00:53 (seven years ago) link
q: what is a juggalo's favorite breakfast?a: a baygo
― Fluffy Saint-Bernard (Stevie D(eux)), Thursday, 30 March 2017 14:08 (seven years ago) link
I'm dating a blind woman.
You've really got to hand it to her.
― Hideous Lump, Friday, 31 March 2017 03:33 (seven years ago) link
Hiyooooo
― virginity simple (darraghmac), Friday, 31 March 2017 06:42 (seven years ago) link
What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?- Get down.
What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.
― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, 31 March 2017 11:40 (seven years ago) link
haha
― PressAnarchyToContinue (Ste), Friday, 31 March 2017 12:04 (seven years ago) link
hahaha thats great
― nice cage (m bison), Saturday, 1 April 2017 00:15 (seven years ago) link
Q: What did seven-time Grammy award winning recording artist Phil Collins, the legendary frontman of British prog-rock group Genesis, as well as a respected solo artist in his own right, after leaving his former life behind him to move to Hermosillo, Mexico with the dream of becoming a landlord, after plunking down a hefty portion of his sizable life savings to acquire multiple moderately-priced apartment buildings throughout the area just so he could live out his lifelong dream of becoming a landlord and renting out small apartments to hard-working but cash-strapped Mexicans, say to his very first, very excited tenant, after of course processing their background check and contacting references, but right before handing over the keys?
A: "Aquí están las claves de su studio."
― del griffith, Saturday, 6 May 2017 01:02 (seven years ago) link
Classic, though I am a sucker for those kind of Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups that are generally way funnier than the punchline itself.
― some sad trombone Twilight Zone shit (cryptosicko), Saturday, 6 May 2017 03:31 (seven years ago) link
What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?- Get down.What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, March 31, 2017 7:40 AM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, March 31, 2017 7:40 AM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e-htZLNAdo
― Western® with Bacon Flavor, Saturday, 6 May 2017 03:40 (seven years ago) link
Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups
I was thinkin Norm MacDonald, but I feel ya brah
― del griffith, Saturday, 6 May 2017 04:02 (seven years ago) link
also, cow, get down
― del griffith, Saturday, 6 May 2017 04:03 (seven years ago) link
Jute Gyte walks into a bar and sits down next to another white, Nordic-looking guy.
Gyte: "Hey brother, nice to see there's still some good people left, the way the neighborhood's changing..."
Other guy: "Stop right there sir, I don't think I agree with what you're saying"
Gyte: "I didn't say anything, I'm.... Just Intoning"
― sleepingbag, Monday, 8 May 2017 02:48 (seven years ago) link
xxp OMG the secret is out!
― attention vampire (MatthewK), Monday, 8 May 2017 03:08 (seven years ago) link
joke i wrote on my fb a while ago:
I want to write a buddy cop movie where Stephen King joins the FBI on request because he's so smart at figuring out crimes, but he needs to work with INTERPOL who have hired Jean Claude Van Damme due to his charisma and fighting prowess, so the two are forced to work together to stop maybe some diamond smugglers or something. With King as the smarts and JCVD as the brawn they face the world's scummiest criminals.The movie would be called The Brain & Muscles From Maine & Brussels.
The movie would be called The Brain & Muscles From Maine & Brussels.
still one of my faves tbh
― why ruin a good tradition? (Will M.), Monday, 8 May 2017 09:17 (seven years ago) link
One I wasted on FaceBook before I quit it:
Banal sentence withRight syllabic propertiesBecomes lame poem
― attention vampire (MatthewK), Monday, 8 May 2017 09:58 (seven years ago) link
For semi-complicated reasons, we had to drive to Sikeston, Missouri, this weekend to pick up our new pooch.
While we were waiting in the parking lot, I said to sunny, Wouldn't it be wild if this was this guy's game, telling families he's got a dog for them, but they have to pick it up in Sikeston? Then when families show up and there's no dog, he sends a text that simply says.... Sike?
― pplains, Monday, 8 May 2017 13:49 (seven years ago) link
TSA: Mr. Kerry Livgren, we need to search your bag. The x-ray scanner shows what looks like a small child stuck in there.
Kerry Livgren: Sir, I appreciate your concern. I just wanted to carry on my wayward son.
― Moodles, Monday, 15 May 2017 04:56 (seven years ago) link
did you hear about the time Eminem misplaced his low strong cart without fixed sides, used for carrying heavy loads?
he forgot about dray
― the baby grew up to be a secessful kid (unregistered), Sunday, 9 July 2017 23:31 (six years ago) link
What did the USS John McCain say to the USS Gabrielle Giffords when she cornered him at the P.F. Chang's to ask if he'd like to make a donation to the Hurricane Harvey relief effort fund?
"I appreciate you asking, USS Gabrielle Giffords, but this is a less than ideal time for me as I am currently enjoying a Chinese food meal with my wife here at the P.F. Chang's restaurant."
― del griffith, Tuesday, 29 August 2017 02:07 (six years ago) link
What's the difference between a campaign finance reform bill and a Brit with dementia?
One is McCain-Feingold and the other "can't find m'kangol"
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Saturday, 2 September 2017 01:21 (six years ago) link
You received a personal letter from a conservative catholic NYTimes columnist?
Sincerely Douthat.
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Friday, 8 September 2017 00:42 (six years ago) link
A French cyclist is bringing out a range of New Romantic themed cycling gear called Spandex Bardet.
― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Thursday, 14 September 2017 01:35 (six years ago) link
Have you guys heard about the new Shakespearean hip-hop artist, Perchance the Rapper?
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Wednesday, 27 September 2017 14:50 (six years ago) link
:D
― Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 27 September 2017 15:37 (six years ago) link
I went to a restaurant the other day.
The waiter said, “Are you ready to order?”
I said, “Get me my fucking food!”
I went to the dentist the other day.
The dentist said, “How often do you brush?”
I said, “Onry when I’m feering shy.”
― dinnerboat, Wednesday, 27 September 2017 16:56 (six years ago) link
Someone else made this one up but I love it:
What is Forrest Gump's computer password?
1forrest1
― Shat Parp (dog latin), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 14:38 (six years ago) link
password strength = weak
― Ste, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 15:05 (six years ago) link
What is Terry Riley's favourite nursery rhyme?
In C Wincey Spider
― Monogo doesn't socialise (ledge), Thursday, 26 October 2017 07:57 (six years ago) link
It's too late, I already ate the last of the cheese
It was a feta-compli
― Shat Parp (dog latin), Thursday, 26 October 2017 23:19 (six years ago) link
― Shat Parp (dog latin), Thursday, 26 October 2017 23:20 (six years ago) link
― niels, Friday, 27 October 2017 06:12 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the leather maker who stubbornly refused to put a nap on any of his products?
He just couldn’t be suede.
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Monday, 30 October 2017 11:36 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the US mayor who put out online instructions for making japanese noodle soup?
Ramen E-manual
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Monday, 30 October 2017 14:10 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't put his shirt on?
He just kept putting it off.
-or-
Why did the guy decide not to put on a shirt?
In the end, he didn't think he'd be able to pull it off.
― Hideous Lump, Monday, 30 October 2017 23:12 (six years ago) link
*points to display name*
― Men's Scarehouse - "You're gonna like the way you're shook." (m bison), Tuesday, 31 October 2017 05:11 (six years ago) link
Why did the dyslexic celiac fly from Stansted?
Because he was Luton intolerant!
― chap, Tuesday, 31 October 2017 11:57 (six years ago) link
What’s red and shakes the windows?Beets by Dre
What’s waterproof and stays home alone?McAulay Caulking
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 02:05 (six years ago) link
Evan Dando & Eminem just released a single: It’s a Shame about Dre
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 02:07 (six years ago) link
:-)
What's angry and stays home alone?
McAulay Saulking.
― Ludo, Friday, 17 November 2017 11:59 (six years ago) link
excellent
― Fox Mulder, FYI (dog latin), Friday, 17 November 2017 12:07 (six years ago) link
Q: What’s this? : f0otLo053
A: Kenny’s login
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 18:46 (six years ago) link
mad decent
― niels, Friday, 17 November 2017 19:35 (six years ago) link
v good
― Roberto Spiralli, Friday, 17 November 2017 20:46 (six years ago) link
yes
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:43 (six years ago) link
vg+
― Mark G, Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:50 (six years ago) link