One I wasted on FaceBook before I quit it:
Banal sentence withRight syllabic propertiesBecomes lame poem
― attention vampire (MatthewK), Monday, 8 May 2017 09:58 (seven years ago) link
For semi-complicated reasons, we had to drive to Sikeston, Missouri, this weekend to pick up our new pooch.
While we were waiting in the parking lot, I said to sunny, Wouldn't it be wild if this was this guy's game, telling families he's got a dog for them, but they have to pick it up in Sikeston? Then when families show up and there's no dog, he sends a text that simply says.... Sike?
― pplains, Monday, 8 May 2017 13:49 (seven years ago) link
TSA: Mr. Kerry Livgren, we need to search your bag. The x-ray scanner shows what looks like a small child stuck in there.
Kerry Livgren: Sir, I appreciate your concern. I just wanted to carry on my wayward son.
― Moodles, Monday, 15 May 2017 04:56 (seven years ago) link
did you hear about the time Eminem misplaced his low strong cart without fixed sides, used for carrying heavy loads?
he forgot about dray
― the baby grew up to be a secessful kid (unregistered), Sunday, 9 July 2017 23:31 (six years ago) link
What did the USS John McCain say to the USS Gabrielle Giffords when she cornered him at the P.F. Chang's to ask if he'd like to make a donation to the Hurricane Harvey relief effort fund?
"I appreciate you asking, USS Gabrielle Giffords, but this is a less than ideal time for me as I am currently enjoying a Chinese food meal with my wife here at the P.F. Chang's restaurant."
― del griffith, Tuesday, 29 August 2017 02:07 (six years ago) link
What's the difference between a campaign finance reform bill and a Brit with dementia?
One is McCain-Feingold and the other "can't find m'kangol"
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Saturday, 2 September 2017 01:21 (six years ago) link
You received a personal letter from a conservative catholic NYTimes columnist?
Sincerely Douthat.
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Friday, 8 September 2017 00:42 (six years ago) link
A French cyclist is bringing out a range of New Romantic themed cycling gear called Spandex Bardet.
― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Thursday, 14 September 2017 01:35 (six years ago) link
Have you guys heard about the new Shakespearean hip-hop artist, Perchance the Rapper?
― the last famous person you were surprised to discover was actually (man alive), Wednesday, 27 September 2017 14:50 (six years ago) link
:D
― Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 27 September 2017 15:37 (six years ago) link
I went to a restaurant the other day.
The waiter said, “Are you ready to order?”
I said, “Get me my fucking food!”
I went to the dentist the other day.
The dentist said, “How often do you brush?”
I said, “Onry when I’m feering shy.”
― dinnerboat, Wednesday, 27 September 2017 16:56 (six years ago) link
Someone else made this one up but I love it:
What is Forrest Gump's computer password?
1forrest1
― Shat Parp (dog latin), Wednesday, 25 October 2017 14:38 (six years ago) link
password strength = weak
― Ste, Wednesday, 25 October 2017 15:05 (six years ago) link
What is Terry Riley's favourite nursery rhyme?
In C Wincey Spider
― Monogo doesn't socialise (ledge), Thursday, 26 October 2017 07:57 (six years ago) link
It's too late, I already ate the last of the cheese
It was a feta-compli
― Shat Parp (dog latin), Thursday, 26 October 2017 23:19 (six years ago) link
― Shat Parp (dog latin), Thursday, 26 October 2017 23:20 (six years ago) link
haha
― niels, Friday, 27 October 2017 06:12 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the leather maker who stubbornly refused to put a nap on any of his products?
He just couldn’t be suede.
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Monday, 30 October 2017 11:36 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the US mayor who put out online instructions for making japanese noodle soup?
Ramen E-manual
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Monday, 30 October 2017 14:10 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't put his shirt on?
He just kept putting it off.
-or-
Why did the guy decide not to put on a shirt?
In the end, he didn't think he'd be able to pull it off.
― Hideous Lump, Monday, 30 October 2017 23:12 (six years ago) link
*points to display name*
― Men's Scarehouse - "You're gonna like the way you're shook." (m bison), Tuesday, 31 October 2017 05:11 (six years ago) link
Why did the dyslexic celiac fly from Stansted?
Because he was Luton intolerant!
― chap, Tuesday, 31 October 2017 11:57 (six years ago) link
What’s red and shakes the windows?Beets by Dre
What’s waterproof and stays home alone?McAulay Caulking
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 02:05 (six years ago) link
Evan Dando & Eminem just released a single: It’s a Shame about Dre
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 02:07 (six years ago) link
:-)
What's angry and stays home alone?
McAulay Saulking.
― Ludo, Friday, 17 November 2017 11:59 (six years ago) link
excellent
― Fox Mulder, FYI (dog latin), Friday, 17 November 2017 12:07 (six years ago) link
Q: What’s this? : f0otLo053
A: Kenny’s login
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 18:46 (six years ago) link
mad decent
― niels, Friday, 17 November 2017 19:35 (six years ago) link
v good
― Roberto Spiralli, Friday, 17 November 2017 20:46 (six years ago) link
yes
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:43 (six years ago) link
vg+
― Mark G, Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:50 (six years ago) link
https://www.myob.com/au/blog/files/2015/04/login.jpg https://www.myob.com/au/blog/files/2015/04/login.jpg & https://i.ytimg.com/vi/e3xcHeO68oE/maxresdefault.jpg
Logins and Ms. Cena
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:58 (six years ago) link
My 8-year-old niece was very excited to tell me this joke that she made up today:
Why do elves wear clothes?
Because its their elf-fit.
― iCloudius (cryptosicko), Tuesday, 26 December 2017 01:03 (six years ago) link
Q: When do you celebrate burping? A: On your burp-day.
(as told by a real 5-year old)
― o. nate, Tuesday, 26 December 2017 04:14 (six years ago) link
I've got a fetish for feet, but only for white girls' feet. I went to the doctor and he told me I'm black toes intolerant.
― finlay (fionnland), Tuesday, 26 December 2017 13:56 (six years ago) link
what did the Japanese noise musician say when his wife gave birth?
new sooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
― the masseduction of lauryn hill (Stevie D(eux)), Friday, 5 January 2018 16:59 (six years ago) link
The local pub has started selling a pop-themed buy-one-get-one-free craft ale.
Dual IPA
― FREEZE! FYI! (dog latin), Thursday, 11 January 2018 10:05 (six years ago) link
Didja, didja hear that it's going to take longer to count people in 2020?
XTC's already got a song about it called "Census Working Overtime".
― pplains, Monday, 15 January 2018 15:41 (six years ago) link
I did think up that brilliant take on my own, but I do have to mention that it was also made here about 15 years ago: I need a good title for a boring paper
― pplains, Monday, 15 January 2018 15:42 (six years ago) link
My opponent claims that I am an alcoholic who is more interested in vodka than helping my constituents. But that is a baseless smirnoff.
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:41 (six years ago) link
how long does it take to find a mummy's home?two minutes (tomb innits)
― na (NA), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:42 (six years ago) link
puns requiring parentheses are one of my fav ilx tropes
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:53 (six years ago) link
*Emily Litella Voice* "Why is everyone so up in arms about ice raids at 7-11? When I was in college, we did those all the time, how else are you going to serve cold drinks?"
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 23:22 (six years ago) link
Drove past Herman Munster's Shoe EmporiumBig place, covers several thousand square feet
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:08 (six years ago) link
*answers the phone*sorry you're going to have to speak up, i'm wearing a towel
― flappy bird, Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:20 (six years ago) link
Homer-made jokes
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:24 (six years ago) link
Herself- we still have that sauce you bought, I think you owe me a duck dinnerMeself- hoi-sinned on my own canard
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:15 (six years ago) link
teal a l'orange.xls
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:25 (six years ago) link
(Someone must have made that joke already right)
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:26 (six years ago) link
If I ain't heard it it's new to me
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 09:24 (six years ago) link