Kids say the darndest things

"Iron Man works for Donald Trump and Batman works for Hillary Clinton."

2.5 year old suddenly aware of the human body in new and fascinating ways:

"My penis is bugging me! It's sticking out!"

"Papa you have hair on your tummy. Why did you do that?"

After he barges in while I'm showering and opens the curtain: "Papa that's a nice penis you have. It's big! Mine is big too!"

I also feel like the fart and poop jokes are not far off which honestly I'm kind of stoked about.

lololol omg

We have been doing the time-honored tradition of kissing boo-boos to make them feel better, which led to this horrifying statement last night:

"Daddy, my penis hurts! Kiss it!"

(I did not kiss it.)

Yeah, I bet we've all been through that awkward convo. Fortunately mine were pretty understanding once they put it together that those are your private parts.

Later that evening, we also got, "I love Mommy's butt!"

I almost said, "right there with ya, kiddo" but didn't want to get punched.

dying

Judah's at the stage where he just interjects the word "butt" into any statement, expecting hilarity ensue

to ensue

Kid was pooping the other day, asked if he was done and he said "yes, my butt is empty"

My daughter told me this joke the other day:

Q: What does a bottle say when it's late?
A: Help! I'm late!

She's been repeating this joke to pretty much everybody and says it's her favorite joke.

I like it

on board

2 year old walking around the dark apartment with sunglasses on yelling I'M CONFUSED making me feel like i'm in twin peaks

went hiking with my three-year-old. she picked out a walking stick, immediately hunched over, and tottered along the trail saying, "i'm an oooold man! i'm an oooold man!"

This morning my 2.5 YO told me that boogers grow into mustaches.

It's how i got mine

not my child but a lil dude I know (5yo) has come up with three names for his band:
- haunted castle
- fart kids
- no noggin

im stealing at least one of these

fart kids 4 lyfe

My 4 year old daughter who just found a Bible in a hotel room:

"I want to read this book! Is it a pirate book?"

short answer: yes

"wot yooo meeeen?"

I love this so much. Especially given the facial expression that goes along with it.

"Where ice cream come from daddy"?
"It's made from milk, actually. Milk is very versatile"
"Milk!"
"Yeah. And the really crazy thing is that cheese is also made from milk."
"CHEEESE! WOT YOOOO MEEEEEN??!!"

haha, we got asked where ice cream comes from yesterday. Today he wanted to know where lettuce, cars and tissues come from.
he's started replying in the negative as 'no, I don't think.'

"cars?"
"also milk"

Stock responses = 'factories' or 'farms' depending on the query.

I put on Eric Dolphy's "Out to Lunch" last night when we were eating dinner. I don't listen to a whole lot of jazz, so my kids aren't really exposed to it much.

4yo daughter: "Is this Halloween music?"
Me: "This sounds like Halloween music to you?"

We continue eating. About 10 minutes later:

4yo daughter: "I think this is Halloween music!"

:)

"do the ninja turtles have penises?"

Told Nora we were going to HMV on Saturday as we walked through town. She loves going in there so hot v excited and started shouting "HMV! HMV!"

Only she mispronounced it as "HIV".

lol

Excitedly singing and dancing along with Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars, both of my sons loudly and determinedly sang, "Up! Town! Fuck you up! Uptown fuck you up!"

Being the stellar parent I am, my immediate response was "SAY WHAT??????"

haha

"I'm going to kill you daddy, then I'm going to kill the bathtub and kill the towel and kill the potty and kill the toothpaste"

jfc calm down kid it's just a bath

Has he been reading bill o'reilly?

Or a bootleg of The End.

HB - Think I'm going to be a wrestler when I grow up.

ME - Oh yeah? What's going to be your signature move?

[Thinks]

HB - Punching people in the nuts.

kid's gonna go places

I mean, I was never that big of a wrestling fan anyway, but I'm pretty sure that move's illegal.

illegal, but hilarious

important code deciphered: "it's a baby" is apparently 18-month old speak for "i've done a poo". (i think this is due to pee/poo functional confusion & pee-pee/bay-bee vocal confusion.)

important code deciphered: "it's a baby" is apparently 18-month old speak for "i've done a poo". (i think this is due to pee/poo functional confusion & pee-pee/bay-bee vocal confusion.)

I think he's trying to tell you he dropped the kids off at the pool

Food baby amirite

I think he's trying to tell you he dropped the kids off at the pool

given that she shat in the bath three times that week that is probably exactly right.

Me to 4yo daughter: ... And so you're made of the dust of old stars.
Her: That explains the black stuff I get behind my ears.

:D

LOL

“My poop is an otter because it’s brown and swimming in the water”

aw

"The night is all the shadows squished together."

emotionally and scientifically true