VegemiteGrrl's Home for the Absent-Minded

My partner is a hero for never losing her shit at this sort of thing.

Recently whenever I lose something - a wallet, a set of keys, a book - she says "Have you checked the fridge?"

This is good advice more often than it should be.

I have only found my keys in the fridge once so far. Really starting to feel proud of that.

the number of times i’ve lost the keys that are in my own hand (and even put them down in order to lift something up in case they’re under there) is frankly disgusting

No it's beautiful.

I'm at a restaurant and eat an incredibly foul mouthful of french fries. Why? Because - obviously - I've mistaken the candle holder for a vinegar jar and poured liquid paraffin over my entire meal.

It turns out that this recipe doesn't call for me to chop a pepper and then put that in the bin.

I ruined some chopped onions, ready for the pan the other day. By sprinkling loads of nutmeg over them instead of cumin. And also i keep injuring my fingertips when I'm cooking, by clumsily thrusting them into sharp objects. It is hard to explain, but i think I'm positively "not reet" tbh.

I've mistaken the candle holder for a vinegar jar

I don't understand how this happens

It was a glass jar holding tea lights or something. It looked *very* like a jar of colourless white vinegar but my clue should've been that the lid had a wick in it.

Aha - like this: http://www.candleland.com/includes/templates/herbally/images/slider2_liquid_paraffin_wax_candle_fuel_cells.jpg

that is very helpful, thank you.

candles should look like candles imo

sorry bout yr chips :(

I'm also sorry but I'm also laughing

I posted the other day about a baseball book I'd just bought (and paid too much for):

Baseball Books

Get home tonight, and there's a book in the mailbox. I buy one or two books online a month--I sometimes don't remember what's sitting there till I open the envelope. When I got in the house and was just about to open it, it hit me all of a sudden what it was: I'd ordered the same book from AbeBooks a couple of weeks ago.

Absent-mindedness: funny, till it starts costing you money.

I have not ended up with two copies of a book unintentionally, for a while

I have not remembered that a glass of water was nearby and spilled over a book, leaving me with my guilty wrinkled copy I gifted and then rebought a copy for my hoarder library

During a rather prominent poetry reading over the weekend, it was only until after I did my part and got off stage, when someone - granted: politely - pointed me to the fact that the labels of my new shirt had been hanging out. Price tag dangling from the neck, label on the button on the sleeve (wtf) and a store label hanging out. Why do shirts needs so many labels anyway?! I'd bought the shirt the week before but didn't even notice the labels when putting it on yesterday morning because... of course I didn't. Sad lol.

I bought ice cream for the first time in a while yesterday. I’ve already put it into the fridge instead of the freezer twice already.

LBI, I think you can somehow chalk that up to um, poetic license in fashion

oh yeah, I also showed up to work this week only to find a pair of underwear stuck in the leg of my pants, again

I wouldn't fall for it, but nevertheless you might have a point there. "Oh artsy poetry person forgets his labels nbd". But that's not meeee.... Though maybe it is, after yesterday's drama forgetting to take out the labels, idk.

xp omg haha, i've been there

Discovered that I had written sandwich things on a grocery list this weekend. I couldn't make any sense of it. I didn't remember wanting a sandwich or receiving a sandwich request from anyone else. But it was there on the list, so I piled a variety of vegetables, cheeses, and bread into my cart. After I got home and unpacked, I realized that I had meant sandwich-sized food storage containers.

Sandwicher Things

https://www.autostraddle.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/eleven-stranger-things.jpg

today’s a lovely warm day, so i caught 2.5 hrs of public transport and walked 3 hrs into this lovely lovely forest, and have only just realised i left a packet of sausages on the kitchen floor

lol that story did not end the way I expected it to

sausage crisis averted

Every morning I make myself an iced coffee. Set some water up to boil, add grounds to the french press, and fill a travel mug with ice. Just poured the boiling water into the cup full of ice instead of the french press.

I don't know where to post this so I'm going to post this here, despite it being the opposite of what this thread is about. Normally at the beginning of January I'm continually writing the previous year on dates. Haven't done it once so far. But maybe that's because I'm thinking "ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it's 2018".

My home bathroom has one of those slow-descending toilet seats, so you can put the toilet seat down without it slamming and making a loud noise.

Alternatively you can:

1. Do your business then flush the toilet
2. Put the toilet seat down
3. Bend over to pick a pound coin off the floor
4. Get punched in the face by your own toilet seat

lol oh no

man that is rough

I had the opposite, or something, of absent mindedness today when I spent the entire day planning for my wife being away in England this weekend. I'm able to play a Sunday game I usually skip, I've a few pints set up on Saturday and am meeting a fella for brunch. All sociable don't spend the weekend mooching in the apt stuff.

My wife isn't away in England this weekend. She isn't away in England any weekend coming up. She has no plans to visit England again that are concrete or have been discussed.

I have no idea whether I dreamt it or have been incepted. I'm still keeping all the plans tho as I've no idea how to explain it. And pints and a match obv.

I mean...is that worrisome? Now I write it down.

I'm not even writing 2017 on anything.

I'm going into my hard drive to look for a file from last September, pulling up a folder and going "What is this shit?" before realizing, Oh yes. Last September was in the year 2017, not 2016.

xxxp
At least it wasn't a penny.

Also, my manager has this enewsletter he sends out each morning to our subscribers. Last week, he tells me he's going out of town, could I do it. So I get up pre-dawn, work this stupid thing up in a text file so I can put it all into our CMS template when I'm done.

I get into the CMS and he's already left an item about the BCS game last night. Oh that's fine, happy he could help, I forgot the video capsules anyway. I start adding my content, click preview, looks good, go back to the template AND IT'S ALL GONE.

And changed. Manager's added like four more stories over mine. I message him and go WHAT ARE YOU DOING and he says, dude, I'm not going out of town until Thursday. What's wrong with you?

Oh, man. I stood on a corner this morning just hoping that email would say "Tuesday", but no, it said Thursday. Twice.

Yeah I mean year changes look it's january.but ain't no reason not to know what Tuesday is (or what country your wife is in)

3. Bend over to pick a pound coin off the floor
4. Get punched in the face by your own toilet seat

genuinely sorry it happened to you, but in my head this is just incredible

Yeah my klutziness is getting baroque in my old age. A few months ago at work, just before a big meeting, I managed to pour a cup of coffee over my head, and I was like "how is they even possible???" (Answer: Don't try to take something down from a high shelf and forget you're holding a cup of coffee.)

I cant begin to tell you the amount of times Ive injured myself in similar bizarre ways. My bf is convinced I am going to die from a papercut, stair mishap or drinking glass malfunction.

For example right now my right ankle is swollen up and bruised and *I dont know why*. I think it happened on NYE or a few days after at a mates house but I have no recall of hitting me ankle - but then again, I am constantly tripping over/whacking wrists/ankles/cutting fingers open etc.

My right ankle is totally the same this morning! And similarly no idea. It must be an epidemic for which we're totally blameless.

going to try to concentrate on mindfulness in the near term because my body's autopilot system is even worse than the self-driving car technology

Just now bought a beverage and signed the receipt with my right hand. I'm left-handed. I was like "WHY IS IT SO HARD TO WRITE!?"

Walked out of there thinking maybe I'm having a stroke. Then realized I signed it with the wrong hand.

I did exactly this last month

our office printer requires you to wave your staff id card over it to start your print job running

90% of the time i will try to use my subway card instead

about 40% of the time i will try to get on the subway using my staff id

i am an idiot

i also regularly try to get into my house using my office key, and the office using my home key

our office printer requires you to wave your staff id card over it to start your print job running

90% of the time i will try to use my subway card instead

someone at my work reported that their staff ID card didn't get them into a particular area... but their Nectar rewards card did

(I have no idea how or if this is possible but I like the story)

I'm choosing to believe it

Switch kettle on. Get teabag. Open cupboard, put teabag in mug. Do not pick up mug. Close cupboard. Kettle boils. Wonder where mug with teabag is.

This morning, I Siri-ed “where is my phone” into my phone.

^ a friend had a mini version of this thread on Facebook, starting from the classic "where did I put down my glasses?" while still wearing them, including someone who searched the flat for her glasses while holding them in her right hand.

One of my favourites:
--
*puts earphones in ears*
*plugs earphones into phone*
*puts phone back in pocket and walks down street listening to silence*
--
and ending with 'I've once or twice before told someone down my phone, while searching myself and bag for my phone, "oh fuck, I can't find my phone"'