Did you hear about the US mayor who put out online instructions for making japanese noodle soup?
Ramen E-manual
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Monday, 30 October 2017 14:10 (six years ago) link
Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't put his shirt on?
He just kept putting it off.
-or-
Why did the guy decide not to put on a shirt?
In the end, he didn't think he'd be able to pull it off.
― Hideous Lump, Monday, 30 October 2017 23:12 (six years ago) link
*points to display name*
― Men's Scarehouse - "You're gonna like the way you're shook." (m bison), Tuesday, 31 October 2017 05:11 (six years ago) link
Why did the dyslexic celiac fly from Stansted?
Because he was Luton intolerant!
― chap, Tuesday, 31 October 2017 11:57 (six years ago) link
What’s red and shakes the windows?Beets by Dre
What’s waterproof and stays home alone?McAulay Caulking
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 02:05 (six years ago) link
Evan Dando & Eminem just released a single: It’s a Shame about Dre
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 02:07 (six years ago) link
:-)
What's angry and stays home alone?
McAulay Saulking.
― Ludo, Friday, 17 November 2017 11:59 (six years ago) link
excellent
― Fox Mulder, FYI (dog latin), Friday, 17 November 2017 12:07 (six years ago) link
Q: What’s this? : f0otLo053
A: Kenny’s login
― bumbling my way toward the light or wahtever (hardcore dilettante), Friday, 17 November 2017 18:46 (six years ago) link
mad decent
― niels, Friday, 17 November 2017 19:35 (six years ago) link
v good
― Roberto Spiralli, Friday, 17 November 2017 20:46 (six years ago) link
yes
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:43 (six years ago) link
vg+
― Mark G, Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:50 (six years ago) link
https://www.myob.com/au/blog/files/2015/04/login.jpg https://www.myob.com/au/blog/files/2015/04/login.jpg & https://i.ytimg.com/vi/e3xcHeO68oE/maxresdefault.jpg
Logins and Ms. Cena
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:58 (six years ago) link
My 8-year-old niece was very excited to tell me this joke that she made up today:
Why do elves wear clothes?
Because its their elf-fit.
― iCloudius (cryptosicko), Tuesday, 26 December 2017 01:03 (six years ago) link
Q: When do you celebrate burping? A: On your burp-day.
(as told by a real 5-year old)
― o. nate, Tuesday, 26 December 2017 04:14 (six years ago) link
I've got a fetish for feet, but only for white girls' feet. I went to the doctor and he told me I'm black toes intolerant.
― finlay (fionnland), Tuesday, 26 December 2017 13:56 (six years ago) link
what did the Japanese noise musician say when his wife gave birth?
new sooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
― the masseduction of lauryn hill (Stevie D(eux)), Friday, 5 January 2018 16:59 (six years ago) link
The local pub has started selling a pop-themed buy-one-get-one-free craft ale.
Dual IPA
― FREEZE! FYI! (dog latin), Thursday, 11 January 2018 10:05 (six years ago) link
Didja, didja hear that it's going to take longer to count people in 2020?
XTC's already got a song about it called "Census Working Overtime".
― pplains, Monday, 15 January 2018 15:41 (six years ago) link
I did think up that brilliant take on my own, but I do have to mention that it was also made here about 15 years ago: I need a good title for a boring paper
― pplains, Monday, 15 January 2018 15:42 (six years ago) link
My opponent claims that I am an alcoholic who is more interested in vodka than helping my constituents. But that is a baseless smirnoff.
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:41 (six years ago) link
how long does it take to find a mummy's home?two minutes (tomb innits)
― na (NA), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:42 (six years ago) link
puns requiring parentheses are one of my fav ilx tropes
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:53 (six years ago) link
*Emily Litella Voice* "Why is everyone so up in arms about ice raids at 7-11? When I was in college, we did those all the time, how else are you going to serve cold drinks?"
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 23:22 (six years ago) link
Drove past Herman Munster's Shoe EmporiumBig place, covers several thousand square feet
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:08 (six years ago) link
*answers the phone*sorry you're going to have to speak up, i'm wearing a towel
― flappy bird, Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:20 (six years ago) link
Homer-made jokes
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:24 (six years ago) link
Herself- we still have that sauce you bought, I think you owe me a duck dinnerMeself- hoi-sinned on my own canard
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:15 (six years ago) link
teal a l'orange.xls
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:25 (six years ago) link
(Someone must have made that joke already right)
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:26 (six years ago) link
If I ain't heard it it's new to me
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 09:24 (six years ago) link
Why did the blood chop off a digit from a rival gang member’s foot and then wait for it to go up in value?
Because it was crip toe currency.
― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Tuesday, 6 February 2018 03:28 (six years ago) link
Q: What do you get when you kick Batman in the junk?
A: a Bruised Wang
― flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 7 February 2018 01:41 (six years ago) link
Doesn't he wear a reinforced cod piece?So more bruised foot innit
― Stevolende, Wednesday, 7 February 2018 08:10 (six years ago) link
That wouldn't work tho would it as a joke it wouldn't work because foot does not sound like Wayne whereas Wang sounds a little like wang
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 February 2018 08:52 (six years ago) link
Computer Programmer #1: Why are you tapping the keys so loudly?
Computer Programmer #2: I'm teaching myself Java and the manual said it's a strongly typed language.
― mick signals, Sunday, 25 February 2018 23:50 (six years ago) link
nice
― o. nate, Tuesday, 27 February 2018 01:46 (six years ago) link
"You must be Balaam, 'cus your ass is talking"
Reading the Bible at the moment, that joke was what I've gotten out of it so far.
― Frederik B, Thursday, 1 March 2018 22:22 (six years ago) link
There's a new movie about a Jewish guy from Brooklyn who was known around the neighborhood for his crazy sunglasses addiction.
They called him...
Fifty Shades Freed
― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Thursday, 1 March 2018 23:18 (six years ago) link
Ha!
― mick signals, Friday, 2 March 2018 02:29 (six years ago) link
I enjoyed the first movie, in which he was trying to acquire the impressive sunglasses collection of Macy Gray.
― mick signals, Friday, 2 March 2018 02:31 (six years ago) link
Or the second movie, about Freed's mobbed up, sunglasses-addicted uncle, Fifty Shades Shtarker
― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Friday, 2 March 2018 02:42 (six years ago) link
I ran out of faux pas so I’m going gauchery shopping
― map, Wednesday, 14 March 2018 05:12 (six years ago) link
oh matt
― the masseduction of lauryn hill (Stevie D(eux)), Wednesday, 14 March 2018 12:32 (six years ago) link
Software Function #1: Hey, I heard you broke up with that cute loop! What happened?
Software Function #2: Yeah, she called me all the time, but there were just too many arguments.
― mick signals, Tuesday, 27 March 2018 18:40 (six years ago) link
what's your favorite lou barlow song? mine's 'walk like an egyptian'. oh wait, that's the bangles.
― you bet, nancy (map), Sunday, 29 April 2018 05:13 (six years ago) link
this more of a bad pickup line thing but
"Hey baby, what's your name?"
"You first."
"Everyone calls me 59. I'm just looking for a 10 to make 69 with."
"Well, everyone calls me 418 because I'm just looking for a 2 to hook me up with some 420 but I can see that's not happening tonight."
― 21st savagery fox (m bison), Sunday, 29 April 2018 15:33 (six years ago) link
"Maybe you should hook up with that 1 down at the end of the bar, cause you look like a fake-ass Nigerian prince."
― mick signals, Sunday, 29 April 2018 17:12 (six years ago) link
"Never trust a person whose name can be pronounced the same forwards and backwards, like 'Bob' or 'Snatans.'"
― Josh in Chicago, Sunday, 29 April 2018 19:20 (six years ago) link