Swiping people left and right: the Tinder/hook-up culture discussion

agreed

i got a message from someone whose profile says "buy me something from my amazon wishlist" with a link to her amazon wishlist.

Can’t knock the hustle

i know. what a world.

i'm on day 4 of being on tinder and thus far it's sort of dispiriting. I'm being super picky, but despite that have gotten 2 matches with cool-as-far-as-you-can-tell-from-a-tiny-bit-of-info-and-a-few-pictures and attractive women. but chat engagement is like a message a day back and forth with them both, feels like a waste of time. but I guess no more of a waste of time than Twitter, so blah.

i also find it funny how I've developed the habit of swiping left on people both because i assume they wouldn't be interested in me, which doesn't make much sense

both shouldn't be in that last sentence

a friend of mine joined bumble recently and we are in agreement: bumble is the verrit of dating

that is a brutal, hilarious assessment

Tinder is awful, I quit dating entirely like 2 years ago so I can only assume it's gotten worse since then. good luck and godspeed

My experience w/ bumble was similarly uninspiring, katherine otm

I'm at the "friends introducing me to their single friends" stage but it's had mixed results

i got on bumble but i deleted it quickly because it seemed like everyone on there was super bougie. like I'm fairly sure a neurosurgeon whose hobbit are skiing and world travel doesn't want to slum it with a dirtbag working-class scottish guy whose hobbies are drinking and watching frasier so what's the point

tbh that sounds like a perfect match

someone's got to be the chill one who doesn't mind doing the dishes

i like doing dishes tbh

i had a lot of luck on tinder like 5 years ago

tried it out a few months ago and it sucked

had better luck on okcupid whereas 5 years ago i didn't have much luck on it

I'm at the "friends introducing me to their single friends" stage but it's had mixed results

I miss those days. Almost everyone I know is married now and starting families, there's so little new blood coming into my social groups.

A few more years and maybe I can start getting introduced to their newly-divorced/widowed friends.

Whenever I go somewhere new I always log on tinder to see how popular I am. I'm very very popular in Sweden, but remarkably unpopular in Berlin.

this is v true

i seem to be way more popular in other major cities but less so in other major cities

it's weird that there is such a thing as a dating culture/trend in cities bc it goes against what parents tell u abt dating

if you have bad luck in your city or town, and you are hell bent on finding the one try dating in a different city

sounds drastic but it may work

Bumble is a hilarious name for a dating site. What's next, Freefall?

Reports now in that Freefall's IPO rolls out on Friday.

ha was gonna bump this thread. I joined Tinder a week ago and its been OK! I've had the odd weird ghosting (one woman gave me her number then unmatched me 3 hours later?!?) but I've arranged a coffee date on Sat afternoon, and another 1st date on Thu. I think my dating rustiness is pulling in my favour right now, since I don't really know how to play it cool, I just go tumbling in. Conversation is actually going a lot easier than I thought it might, since I only swipe right on peopleI actually want to talk to.

I'm ore into the Thu date, but I arranged the Sat one first, and I can't really cancel, or should I? I feel super weird and awkward going on 2 first dates within 3 days of each other, but that's dating lyfe I guess?

I was swiping left on women I thought would have no interest in me, but it turns out that Tinder keep an ELO-style hidden rating and only show you people in "your league". Since changing my swipe tactics I've had a few "Really? SHE swiped right on MEEEE?" matches, which has been a pleasant surprise and a nice boost to my damaged ego.

yeah, they all do, which is a handy reminder of how terrible most people think I am

"they all" = all sites, apps, etc.

Don't cancel dates, if nothing else you hopefully get a good talk out of it. It only gets weird if you plan on more than one date a day, and then end up wanting to have sex on the first one.

I had a second date planned with a woman, and the first date wasn't that great but it was okay, and then I matched with this other woman who I just connected with instantly and we began chatting for hours and just really wanted to meet as soon as possible, but she only could on the day I already had a date planned. I wasn't going to cancel my plan though, but then the first woman wrote me that she had been dating someone else and that it just seemed much more serious than her and me. And I got genuinely sad and felt so rejected...

^It's amazing how rejection from people you're not all that interested in can still hurt.

I just went on my first-ever Tinder date (second-ever app date) a couple weeks ago. This despite having been on the app for probably at least a year, cumulatively. I don't think anything romantic will development between this woman and me, but I do like her, and we've hung out a few times now. What's been most striking to me is how bizarrely stressful it can be just to text with her. Every time an exchange fizzles out in a remotely unsatisfactory way, I become convinced that she's sick of me and I'll never hear from her again.

That actually has nothing to do with Tinder in particular, I'm just venting.

I think these apps work in the same way as facebook et al: generate a particular kind of anxiety and misery that only the app itself can resolve.

The experiences that, in retrospect, bother me the most are when I have a perfectly nice time with someone, both agree to hang out again, and then neither of us ever contact the other again. These apps are about producing novelty, so if you're not a constant texter from the get-go you'll fade away. I can't imagine that old rule, "wait three days to call," working that well anymore! They'll forget who you are.

i'm on day 4 of being on tinder and thus far it's sort of dispiriting. I'm being super picky, but despite that have gotten 2 matches with cool-as-far-as-you-can-tell-from-a-tiny-bit-of-info-and-a-few-pictures and attractive women. but chat engagement is like a message a day back and forth with them both, feels like a waste of time. but I guess no more of a waste of time than Twitter, so blah.

i also find it funny how I've developed the habit of swiping left on people both because i assume they wouldn't be interested in me, which doesn't make much sense

― khat person (jim in vancouver), Monday, February 26, 2018 12:08 PM (three weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

so the first person i matched with on tinder didn't engage with the chat very much to start because she was ill. when she got better we chatted for like an hour one afternoon and set-up a date. that was like 19 days ago. we've seen each other about 14 times since then. on saturday she told me she loved me and i reciprocated (because i love her).

here's the kicker...

she's in an open marriage

lol

Kinda lol but also shit mate hope ur ok

I'm good! she was upfront about that element. i just think it's a funny predicament

Interesting times ahead then!

good luck! sounds like an adventure

oh and for readers who don't have an ilxors.xls i separated from my wife on january 31st lol

i love drama in my life

good luck canada

I’m on day 5,327 of being on Tinder (and OKCupid) and it’s... whatever. Certainly gone on a lot of dates and I think I’m pretty good at them at this point, but still damn difficult to find anyone that I want to be serious with. Some coupla months things that fizzle or flame out along the way, but several years since I’ve been with anyone for over a year.

I’m fully willing to admit that a big part of the problem is me. Expecting more than I’m worth. Also I’m cagey and kinda looking for an exit a lot of times when things start to get serious. Or sometimes someone I’m kinda “I like this person but not crazy about them” starts to lose interest and I suddenly get really into them and subsequently hurt. The mind is weird. Should talk to someone probably.

i assumed this revive was about the congressional buzzkill on hookup sites

here's the kicker...

she's in an open marriage

lmao I went through something similar a couple years back. it was...............interesting

(is this a uniquely canadian problem?)

so jim have you given much thought to how you’re going to kill her other husband yet?

criss cross, obv

Tinder can be very cool! The first response after I recreated my profile got a date arranged after three hours - kissing at the end of the first date, going to the movies and completely ignoring the movies for the second (Could not recommend Will Smith / Margot Robbie vehicle Focus highly enough for this purpose - bright and engaging out of the corner of your eye and you can miss more or less all of it with no ill effects). She's finishing her PhD in September and moving away, I'm out of a serious long term relationship and not looking for another, so Tinder found us each other for fooling around and watching Father Ted.

This didn't work out so well, in that we got engaged this weekend*.

It's weird having a 'proper' relationship out of a dating app, the whole thing is largely off in its own bubble, no "Hey, your friend's sister, what's she like?" - when it became an actual girl/boyfriend thing, after six months, is when we added each other on Facebook, and found that a friend of mind is a friend of a friend of hers because of course they are.

There's a thing still where there isn't much social that's ours, it's me with her friends or her with mine, and we're both happy there, but it's still some friction in the velcro sense when we could just go hang out with each other instead.

(there's really no guaranteed route to finding yourself a life partner - drunken hook-ups can certainly be one, though, i think the most stable and long-term marriage i know started with a drunken hook-up - and you probably have to accept that on some level. i don't feel that hook-up culture "benefits no one" even if it doesn't lead anywhere.)

― lex pretend, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 10:09 (three years ago)

I'm suspect I know who this is, and one of the delights of the last few months was meeting them and introducing one of them to my girl - the slow socialising means that there's still more people to meet her and glow when they get on well. They thought the story of how we met was very romantic :)

*I mentioned this in another thread then thought it was more appropriate here, I'm not planning on spamming ILX with it.

hey congrats!!!

Belated congrats!

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Recently reentered the dating pool and so here is a list of things I have been finding deeply unattractive in Tinder matches:

• individuals who leave kisses in messages before the first date is even arranged

• individuals who mandate the height of their desired partner (even if 95% of the time I am above said threshold)

• no bio lines

• bio lines that actually tell you fuck all ("I love to laugh", "I like all music", yada yada)

• inability on their part to engage in dialogue (sometimes I feel I am constantly asking questions one way. I would understand if they just weren't that interested but the replies can be good and flirty but it still just feels like I am interrogating them while they learn nothing about me *shrug*)

I have actually, despite the above, had a couple "good" dates recently but without any proper connection and those are kind of the worst as at least with a bad date I know to not invest any further time. If you are listening Cupid, give me great dates or shit dates, ta.

As a vertically challenged person, the height requirement does change, but if that's what someone needs, it's best to be up front about it rather than waste time.

The one-way questions is a thing, and very annoying. If you are not interested in learning about a person or attempting a real conversation, why engage in the first place? I assume it just comes down to a lot of people not really having a strong grasp on conversation etiquette.

I have actually, despite the above, had a couple "good" dates recently but without any proper connection and those are kind of the worst as at least with a bad date I know to not invest any further time. If you are listening Cupid, give me great dates or shit dates, ta.

Endless first date purgatory is a thing I've experienced. To the point that I've wondered if I have a problem with genuinely connecting to new people.

what makes for a good bio line for tinder?

I suppose so, maybe I'm just assuming I wouldn't like someone that "needs" a tall person?

See I've been unable to tell if there's some sort of shitey dating mantra being used like "make them chase you/work for you". At least the poor conversation etiquette is a good filter for working out what conversations not to continue!

And Ryan - maybe it's a big problem for me because every good relationship I've had in the past is immediate spark and I haven't had to work for it but I can't tell if I am being (a) lazy (b) a silly romantic