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Logins and Ms. Cena
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Thursday, 30 November 2017 20:58 (six years ago) link
My 8-year-old niece was very excited to tell me this joke that she made up today:
Why do elves wear clothes?
Because its their elf-fit.
― iCloudius (cryptosicko), Tuesday, 26 December 2017 01:03 (six years ago) link
Q: When do you celebrate burping? A: On your burp-day.
(as told by a real 5-year old)
― o. nate, Tuesday, 26 December 2017 04:14 (six years ago) link
I've got a fetish for feet, but only for white girls' feet. I went to the doctor and he told me I'm black toes intolerant.
― finlay (fionnland), Tuesday, 26 December 2017 13:56 (six years ago) link
what did the Japanese noise musician say when his wife gave birth?
new sooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
― the masseduction of lauryn hill (Stevie D(eux)), Friday, 5 January 2018 16:59 (six years ago) link
The local pub has started selling a pop-themed buy-one-get-one-free craft ale.
Dual IPA
― FREEZE! FYI! (dog latin), Thursday, 11 January 2018 10:05 (six years ago) link
Didja, didja hear that it's going to take longer to count people in 2020?
XTC's already got a song about it called "Census Working Overtime".
― pplains, Monday, 15 January 2018 15:41 (six years ago) link
I did think up that brilliant take on my own, but I do have to mention that it was also made here about 15 years ago: I need a good title for a boring paper
― pplains, Monday, 15 January 2018 15:42 (six years ago) link
My opponent claims that I am an alcoholic who is more interested in vodka than helping my constituents. But that is a baseless smirnoff.
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:41 (six years ago) link
how long does it take to find a mummy's home?two minutes (tomb innits)
― na (NA), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:42 (six years ago) link
puns requiring parentheses are one of my fav ilx tropes
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 22:53 (six years ago) link
*Emily Litella Voice* "Why is everyone so up in arms about ice raids at 7-11? When I was in college, we did those all the time, how else are you going to serve cold drinks?"
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Tuesday, 23 January 2018 23:22 (six years ago) link
Drove past Herman Munster's Shoe EmporiumBig place, covers several thousand square feet
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:08 (six years ago) link
*answers the phone*sorry you're going to have to speak up, i'm wearing a towel
― flappy bird, Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:20 (six years ago) link
Homer-made jokes
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 06:24 (six years ago) link
Herself- we still have that sauce you bought, I think you owe me a duck dinnerMeself- hoi-sinned on my own canard
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:15 (six years ago) link
teal a l'orange.xls
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:25 (six years ago) link
(Someone must have made that joke already right)
― very stabbable gaius (wins), Thursday, 1 February 2018 08:26 (six years ago) link
If I ain't heard it it's new to me
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Thursday, 1 February 2018 09:24 (six years ago) link
Why did the blood chop off a digit from a rival gang member’s foot and then wait for it to go up in value?
Because it was crip toe currency.
― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Tuesday, 6 February 2018 03:28 (six years ago) link
Q: What do you get when you kick Batman in the junk?
A: a Bruised Wang
― flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 7 February 2018 01:41 (six years ago) link
Doesn't he wear a reinforced cod piece?So more bruised foot innit
― Stevolende, Wednesday, 7 February 2018 08:10 (six years ago) link
That wouldn't work tho would it as a joke it wouldn't work because foot does not sound like Wayne whereas Wang sounds a little like wang
― Alderweireld Horses (darraghmac), Wednesday, 7 February 2018 08:52 (six years ago) link
Computer Programmer #1: Why are you tapping the keys so loudly?
Computer Programmer #2: I'm teaching myself Java and the manual said it's a strongly typed language.
― mick signals, Sunday, 25 February 2018 23:50 (six years ago) link
nice
― o. nate, Tuesday, 27 February 2018 01:46 (six years ago) link
"You must be Balaam, 'cus your ass is talking"
Reading the Bible at the moment, that joke was what I've gotten out of it so far.
― Frederik B, Thursday, 1 March 2018 22:22 (six years ago) link
There's a new movie about a Jewish guy from Brooklyn who was known around the neighborhood for his crazy sunglasses addiction.
They called him...
Fifty Shades Freed
― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Thursday, 1 March 2018 23:18 (six years ago) link
Ha!
― mick signals, Friday, 2 March 2018 02:29 (six years ago) link
I enjoyed the first movie, in which he was trying to acquire the impressive sunglasses collection of Macy Gray.
― mick signals, Friday, 2 March 2018 02:31 (six years ago) link
Or the second movie, about Freed's mobbed up, sunglasses-addicted uncle, Fifty Shades Shtarker
― Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Friday, 2 March 2018 02:42 (six years ago) link
I ran out of faux pas so I’m going gauchery shopping
― map, Wednesday, 14 March 2018 05:12 (six years ago) link
oh matt
― the masseduction of lauryn hill (Stevie D(eux)), Wednesday, 14 March 2018 12:32 (six years ago) link
Software Function #1: Hey, I heard you broke up with that cute loop! What happened?
Software Function #2: Yeah, she called me all the time, but there were just too many arguments.
― mick signals, Tuesday, 27 March 2018 18:40 (six years ago) link
what's your favorite lou barlow song? mine's 'walk like an egyptian'. oh wait, that's the bangles.
― you bet, nancy (map), Sunday, 29 April 2018 05:13 (six years ago) link
this more of a bad pickup line thing but
"Hey baby, what's your name?"
"You first."
"Everyone calls me 59. I'm just looking for a 10 to make 69 with."
"Well, everyone calls me 418 because I'm just looking for a 2 to hook me up with some 420 but I can see that's not happening tonight."
― 21st savagery fox (m bison), Sunday, 29 April 2018 15:33 (six years ago) link
"Maybe you should hook up with that 1 down at the end of the bar, cause you look like a fake-ass Nigerian prince."
― mick signals, Sunday, 29 April 2018 17:12 (six years ago) link
"Never trust a person whose name can be pronounced the same forwards and backwards, like 'Bob' or 'Snatans.'"
― Josh in Chicago, Sunday, 29 April 2018 19:20 (six years ago) link
- "The top of Three Mile Island's reactor core was exposed and the intense heat caused a reaction to occur between the steam forming in the reactor core and the Zircaloy nuclear fuel rod cladding, yielding zirconium dioxide, hydrogen, and additional heat. This reaction melted the nuclear fuel rod cladding and damaged the fuel pellets, which released radioactive isotopes to the reactor coolant, and produced hydrogen gas that is believed to have caused a small explosion in Three Mile Island's containment building."
- "Whoa, whoa, whoa. TMI, man. TMI."
― pplains, Sunday, 6 May 2018 16:13 (six years ago) link
hahaha works for me
― DACA Flocka Flame (Hadrian VIII), Sunday, 6 May 2018 16:47 (six years ago) link
What do you call the tendency to over-medicate allergy symptoms?
Over-Reactine
― incel elgort (cryptosicko), Friday, 25 May 2018 17:35 (five years ago) link
I just walked into the restroom at work and, seeing that every stall was occupied, thought to myself, 'wow, full house...or is it a royal flush?!?'.
(I swear that this popped into my head with zero conscious effort. I've already scheduled an appointment with my neurologist, so no worries.)
― Gladys McFlatus (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 19 June 2018 15:31 (five years ago) link
What kind of hand were you holding?
― pplains, Tuesday, 19 June 2018 15:40 (five years ago) link
good one old lunch
― marcos, Tuesday, 19 June 2018 15:46 (five years ago) link
thats when lbron james coems out of a stall in a cloud of weed smoke and says "nah, just a king high."
― 21st savagery fox (m bison), Tuesday, 19 June 2018 15:51 (five years ago) link
These homemade jokes are every bit as good as the industrially manufactured ones!
― mick signals, Tuesday, 19 June 2018 16:20 (five years ago) link
'Sleeping together'.... you don't sleep!
― flappy bird, Tuesday, 19 June 2018 17:16 (five years ago) link
as long as it wasn't a couple of deuces in the pocket
― challops trap house (Will M.), Tuesday, 19 June 2018 17:49 (five years ago) link
What does Lebron James eat for breakfast? Lebran flakes.
― dinnerboat, Tuesday, 19 June 2018 18:02 (five years ago) link
Walking down the street, overheard some guy exclaiming to a woman "You're from Bolivia ?!"
and I really wanted to say to the woman "he doesn't believia"
― In space, pizza sends out for YOU (Ste), Tuesday, 19 June 2018 18:48 (five years ago) link
my fave classic ilx joke is the one about stevie nicks
where did stevie nicks do her lines?
in the bathroom
― lost in sublimation (Ross), Wednesday, 20 June 2018 05:21 (five years ago) link