Least promising Sequel/Remake/Franchise Flick of 2018

Not just a Death Wish remake, but a Death Wish remake directed by Eli Roth!

― the smartest persin in the room (Old Lunch), Friday, January 19, 2018 8:10 AM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

oh my god it was hard not to throw up immediately after reading this sentence

a valley girl remake is a personal insult to me

Okay, the subtitle to Valley Girl: A Personal Insult to Brad finally makes sense to me.

i will probably end up seeing 5-7 of these but it is a real dire list this time around. in any other year this would be a vote for 'solo' easy, or the very idea of a mary poppins sequel, if disney hadn't been undermining all its classics with remakes and instantly-forgotten sequels since the jungle book 2 and return to never land. based on previous entries that i've seen, jurassic world 2 is the one i'm most groaning at. the trailer is also REALLY bad, seemingly conveying everything potentially interesting that might happen while also displaying that none of it will actually be interesting. aquaman and bumblbee are the saddest-lol spinoffs; ant-man/wasp, black panther, pacific rim 2 and ocean's 8 seem like they could actually be good.

i got exhausted halfway through fantastic beasts 1 on a plane last summer. imagine if they keep going with this and there eventually seven or eight obnoxious movies of 'fantastic beasts.' existence of another grinch movie is sort of shocking even in this climate. there remains a perfectly good, right-sized grinch movie made for TV and what more can you really want? there were thirty-three years between that one and the jim carrey one and only eighteen years between the jim carrey one and now... maybe technology has become advanced enough to do a better job. call me when it's advanced enough to go back in time and erase both of these.

the first strangers made me unhappy and uncomfortable but it's a genre i don't like generally so i can't really judge whether it was good or not. seems a weird thing to make a sequel to ten years later. who cares?

overboard remake is at once sort of understandable and totally insane. i agree that remakes of 80s movies with no pop-culture presence today is actually kind of respectable hollywood business-as-usual, more in the spirit of the repeated remakes of the front page or bedazzled or something. it's not like they're just trying to get people into the theater based on name-recognition of a familiar franchise/"universe." similarly this lady gaga thing will be the fourth rendition of a star is born - who cares? but the original overboard barely, BARELY works because the natural chemistry between hawn and russell lets you forget, at occasional intervals, how fundamentally fucked-up and creepy and nightmarish the premise is. they're trying to "correct" the premise here by reversing the male and female roles but it's an insane premise and that won't help. i will say that when my brother first told me about this i was momentarily imagining a sequel to the original with senior-citizen russell getting conked on the head... "overboard: back 2 the boat"... i think that could be okay.

all told the idea of remaking death wish at the current moment in time is the most risibly cynical right-wing money-maker scheme imaginable so i think that's gotta be my vote.

As much as I wish these films would stop I don't think Aquaman need be so bad, Momoa as an underwater king sounds not bad. Of course I know there's little chance of it being good.

Don't see any promise in another Ocean film. They're going to have to do a lot more than gender flip that dullness.

Grinch is baffling but i think a trippy stylistic cgi take would be cool. no idea what they will do w it. Boris Karloff dubstep?

Robin Hood is the most meh thing here. that Dr. Who episode where he made fun of the happy go lucky Merry Men was wonderful.

agree all the 80s remakes look dismal. "Valley Girl" without Cage seems like "Robocop" without Veerhoven. soulless remakes yeah probably existing for copyright purposes more than anything. i feel like most remakes ignore 100% the chemistry between og actors and they don't even try to recapture it, they just name them the same as the character from the old movie. one of the big reasons i dont care for the new Star Wars is there seems to be zero attempt to recapture the comradery and hanging-with-friends atmosphere. it's movies about movies.

all told the idea of remaking death wish at the current moment in time is the most risibly cynical right-wing money-maker scheme imaginable so i think that's gotta be my vote.

they should remake Invasion USA it is basically a illegals-and-terrorist-invade-america fever dream

ocean 8 has got a pretty solid cast which counts for something. i dunno, i feel like come june when the choices are that versus Solo, Deadpool 2, Jurassic World 2, and Avengers 3, the idea of a nice fun team heist movie with no super powers or blue lasers or volcanoes will seem mighty appealing.

So Suspiria is not on this list because it actually seems promising?

the first strangers made me unhappy and uncomfortable but it's a genre i don't like generally so i can't really judge whether it was good or not. seems a weird thing to make a sequel to ten years later. who cares?

unfortunately: me, i will watch basically any horror sequel. "unhappy and uncomfortable" is a great description of the vibe the first strangers gave off, not sure how a sequel can even expand or improve on the very narrow but effective vision of the first one. but i'll see it lol

just reading that list of titles is extremely depressing

i'm still baffled that the venom movie is getting made, not least because it stars tom hardy

― grim-n-gritty hooty reboot (bizarro gazzara), Friday, 19 January 2018 11:53

And Michelle Williams!

Robin Hood could be good if they had the guts to bring on the feyness.

the reason the strangers sequel is coming out a decade after the first is it was in and out of development for soooo long. iirc it was written in 2011 and they only filmed the thing last year

Super troopers 2 will scorch the tired crust of cynicism from the zeitgeist

So Suspiria is not on this list because it actually seems promising?

I didn't see it on the Wiki list I was drawing from, but all that means is that a) there isn't a release date locked down for it yet, or b) I just overlooked it.

Solo: An XXX Star Wars Story

I overlooked Death Wish on this list. that woulda been my #1 with a bullet. I want to do serious harm to Eli Roth rn

when does that Universal Frankenstein/Dracula series get started? i will be rooting for the Apocalypse to save us.

Already begun with the mummy flick last year innit

They tried to start it (for a second time) with The Mummy, but that flopped and it seems like they don't have a plan now.

https://io9.gizmodo.com/universals-shared-monster-movie-universe-has-been-put-o-1820249731

O brave new world!

I was kinda hopoing it'd succeed so that we'd get tons of new unneeded universes like the DuckTales Expanded Universe

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Duck_universe

"unneeded"

why is crocodile dundee not on this list

Is there a new one? Didn't see it on the Wiki list.

Probably should have added an "Other (Specify)" option, especially since there will inevitably be things that come out during the year that haven't been announced/given released dates yet. I'll remember that for next year.

Voting either Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again or A Star Is Born (with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper) because they're the only two that look like they'll have some of that old school Razzie mojo.

http://people.com/movies/danny-mcbride-is-crocodile-dundees-son-in-exclusive-first-look-at-mysterious-project/

oh look he is wearing the bottom of the barrel

I kinda wish every reboot were so openly contemptuous towards both the source material and the audience.

Pee-Wee's Bigger Adventure: Yeah, Fuck You (starring Danny McBride as Pee-Wee's son, Wee-Wee)

Srsly fuck the source material if the source material is crocodile dundee I mean cmon

^^^^ bingo

Stoked for Nolan's Mary Poppins Begins

xpost No no, I agree that the contempt is well-deserved in this case.

Voting Overboard, because the whole premise is rapey, no confidence they'll sort it out.

Danny McBride is the fucking worst.

I have a fondness for overboard due to a girl falling asleep on my shoulder during it once.

That earns it the one star out of ten.

voted jurassic world 2. JW is the worst movie i've seen in theaters within the last few years, and the trailer for this one shows even less promise

I didn't mind it, it really delivered exactly as promised tbh

I want to leave earth pic.twitter.com/LUYevASbVk

— Sam Sanders (@DreamSong77) January 21, 2018

Shouldn't it be Jurassic World 2: Jurassic Park 5

When my daughter, and for that matter my wife, learned there would be a Mamma Mia sequel, they each wondered how they can do that when they used up all the top tier ABBA songs in the first movie. I get it, but is it really called Here We Go Again?

I first read it as Mamma Mia: Here I Go Again and imagined a Whitesnake soundtrack.

The best that can be said about Danny McBride is that he wasn't the absolute worst thing in the most recent Alien movie

The Tea Is Leaving, but the Interruption Is Staying Right Here: Phantom Thread II.

The Hobbit part iv (fuck Peter Jackson btw)

Au Hasard Balthazar II: Kicking Ass

No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Alright, Maybe Surrender

I guess 4, a third already exists (lol)

Voted Avengers:Infinity War - That storyline in the comics is crazy enough and Thanos just is not going to translate to the big screen at all. The last few Marvel Universe movies were just CGI puke and jump cuts and battles that made little sense - this will keep the trend.

I don't think that's true at all (the last sentence). at least not with Civil War or Guardians 2 (Ragnarok I was lukewarm on).