Homemade Jokes

Why did the blood chop off a digit from a rival gang member’s foot and then wait for it to go up in value?

Because it was crip toe currency.

Q: What do you get when you kick Batman in the junk?

A: a Bruised Wang

Doesn't he wear a reinforced cod piece?
So more bruised foot innit

That wouldn't work tho would it as a joke it wouldn't work because foot does not sound like Wayne whereas Wang sounds a little like wang

Computer Programmer #1: Why are you tapping the keys so loudly?

Computer Programmer #2: I'm teaching myself Java and the manual said it's a strongly typed language.

nice

"You must be Balaam, 'cus your ass is talking"

Reading the Bible at the moment, that joke was what I've gotten out of it so far.

There's a new movie about a Jewish guy from Brooklyn who was known around the neighborhood for his crazy sunglasses addiction.

They called him...

Fifty Shades Freed

Ha!

I enjoyed the first movie, in which he was trying to acquire the impressive sunglasses collection of Macy Gray.

Or the second movie, about Freed's mobbed up, sunglasses-addicted uncle, Fifty Shades Shtarker

I ran out of faux pas so I’m going gauchery shopping

oh matt

Software Function #1: Hey, I heard you broke up with that cute loop! What happened?

Software Function #2: Yeah, she called me all the time, but there were just too many arguments.

what's your favorite lou barlow song? mine's 'walk like an egyptian'. oh wait, that's the bangles.

this more of a bad pickup line thing but

"Hey baby, what's your name?"

"You first."

"Everyone calls me 59. I'm just looking for a 10 to make 69 with."

"Well, everyone calls me 418 because I'm just looking for a 2 to hook me up with some 420 but I can see that's not happening tonight."

"Maybe you should hook up with that 1 down at the end of the bar, cause you look like a fake-ass Nigerian prince."

"Never trust a person whose name can be pronounced the same forwards and backwards, like 'Bob' or 'Snatans.'"

- "The top of Three Mile Island's reactor core was exposed and the intense heat caused a reaction to occur between the steam forming in the reactor core and the Zircaloy nuclear fuel rod cladding, yielding zirconium dioxide, hydrogen, and additional heat. This reaction melted the nuclear fuel rod cladding and damaged the fuel pellets, which released radioactive isotopes to the reactor coolant, and produced hydrogen gas that is believed to have caused a small explosion in Three Mile Island's containment building."

- "Whoa, whoa, whoa. TMI, man. TMI."

hahaha works for me

What do you call the tendency to over-medicate allergy symptoms?

Over-Reactine

I just walked into the restroom at work and, seeing that every stall was occupied, thought to myself, 'wow, full house...or is it a royal flush?!?'.

(I swear that this popped into my head with zero conscious effort. I've already scheduled an appointment with my neurologist, so no worries.)

What kind of hand were you holding?

good one old lunch

thats when lbron james coems out of a stall in a cloud of weed smoke and says "nah, just a king high."

These homemade jokes are every bit as good as the industrially manufactured ones!

'Sleeping together'.... you don't sleep!

as long as it wasn't a couple of deuces in the pocket

What does Lebron James eat for breakfast? Lebran flakes.

Walking down the street, overheard some guy exclaiming to a woman "You're from Bolivia ?!"

and I really wanted to say to the woman "he doesn't believia"

my fave classic ilx joke is the one about stevie nicks

where did stevie nicks do her lines?

in the bathroom

http://wallpaperen.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/unique-images-of-the-strongest-man-in-the-world-here-are-the-2016-world-s-strongest-man-groups-and-events-images-of-the-strongest-man-in-the-world.png

Look at this guy! Even without seeing his body, you can tell he's ripped, from the head lines.

*groans*

^ not just my reaction, but my caption to the image.

Trump's favourite martial art?

Krav MAGA

Something about constipated optimists living in a world of make-believe.

What do you call two angry meth heads?

Para-noids

(Not my joke)

What does Dave Coulier say after the doctor tells him there's been a golfball-sized tumor in his brain for his entire adult life?

'(shitty Bullwinkle voice) Gee, doc, would you mind removing that pesky tumor? (shitty Popeye laugh)'

Sat down with my kid and had a talk with her as she gets ready for junior high. You know, don't drink, don't smoke, avoid drugs, try to be frugal...

You know, a Minor Prep.

How does Tesla's CEO stretch before he goes fishing?

He does a muskellunge.

where does Dracula buy his stationery?

Pencil-vania

haha, that's good

Q: What do English people do after brushing their teeth?

A: They rinse with Lorcesterine

Omg

schedule next year's

panel 1: new arrival in heaven, standing at the pearly gates, big smile
panel 2: newbie strikes up a conversation, says "i can't believe i made it to heaven! eternal paradise! so relieved! mortal life on earth kind sucked, eh?"
panel 3: other guy to newbie "i dunno. it had its challenges but overall i found it and rewarding and rich."
panel 4: newbie's face - eyes distant with a faint expression of despair settling in

Well, homegrown's
all right with me.
Homegrown
is the way it should be.
Homegrown
is a good thing.
Plant that bell
and let it ring.

hey rip I like your comic but not sure I get the joke do you mind explaining it

I realize it's flawed, but the gist is the new guy thought heaven would be a place where everyone was in accord and no one had opinions which might baffle or irritate you (or maybe just a place where you never felt irritated by anything)

is it loss