fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend

I wouldn't be cohabiting w/ my partner right now if we didn't have entirely separate bedrooms

I've gotten a lot better at not popping off at the mouth when I feel provoked, but the worst is when I'm trying really hard to keep my mouth shut but can't keep myself from appearing visibly annoyed or stressed, and then that suddenly becomes the reason to prolong the argument

Btw I feel for you Surm. :/ The worst part of arguing is the time between the actual argument and when people have cooled down enough to accept an apology.

xp yes omg

Jordan YES! luckily i woke up today feeling so much better and it really got me thinking about how much more careful i want to be about jumping the gun when it comes to disagreements. i've become much more straightforward with friends when i'm not feeling right, and i think it's rly important to remember that with the person who you're most comfortable with. sometimes it's so comfortable that that person becomes a punching bag in my experience.

trying rly hard to keep yr mouth shut is not a good feature in an argument imo

(im aware this is not ilx orthodoxy re men obv)

I have resigned myself to the fact that standing up for myself is not a productive way to handle things in the heat of an argument. If something is really bothering me I can bring it up later in a neutral setting when I have a clear head and we are not at each other's necks.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE THO!

preachhhh

it all depends on the person but when i get too self-righteous things can get ugly fast

I think there are ways of "standing up for yourself" without trying to win or getting over-defensive. IME it's the latter behaviors that cause problems in fights, not standing your ground.

Well I am no innocent saint in the process - it took falling for someone else to realise that I could still actually feel happy and cared for - but the grind of a marriage with an eating disorder is ALWAYS knowing, when push comes to shove, that you are number 2 on the commitment list no matter how much your partner may love you. That’s the corrosive thing. Might sound selfish, and for many many years I told myself it *was* selfish to resent that, but it steadily builds. Anyone who’s been there will know.

― startled macropod (MatthewK), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 10:46 AM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

This makes perfect sense to me. I mean even a complete narcissist deserves compassion and is often very sad inside, but that doesn't trump your own right to want to be with someone capable of truly caring about you. And I'm guessing for a while your "I am no innocent saint in the process" was part of your rationalization. Yet none of us are innocent saints, and that, too, does not negate our desire to be cared about.

I was a lot angstier in my 20s when trying to sort out who or what I wanted. You shouldn't ever want to cause your partner intentional harm. Sometimes when either one of us does or says something bad (or have taken it badly because we were unthinking or didn't communicate well) we automatically, without question, apologize (not because someone lost but because the other person is sad) and hug each other. Our long term relationship and how I feel about him has nothing to do with small differences of opinions. I don't think we have really fought in like years and years but we definitely have learned how to communicate with each other and where each other's weaknesses are and how to make things better when one of us is having issues unrelated to the other person. Also, we gave up on coming to an agreement all the time about food. If someone buys food or prepares it the other person can eat it or fend for themselves. Usually people eat food that just magically appears in front of them.

I wouldn't be cohabiting w/ my partner right now if we didn't have entirely separate bedrooms

― valorous wokelord (silby), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 4:24 PM (fifty-seven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You're living the dream! My bf is into the boa constrictor school of showing affection.

This is why CA King size beds are worth it.

xp tbrr I’m more towards your bf’s end of the spectrum by nature but otoh I reportedly thrash a lot in my sleep and occasionally yell.

omg don't get me started on mattresses! it took us 1.5 years to pick one out....

Once you start to fight, then you should decide if you're in it to win it, or if the relationship is over. It's commitment-time, imo. Because honestly, fights are made 1000% worse by the "possibility of a breakup". Commit to be with your partner, and that you won't break up because of a fight about dishes or taxi fare, and suddenly the weight of these squabbles dissipates and the fights are rendered toothless.

― nevertheless, he stopped (flamboyant goon tie included), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 2:58 PM (four hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this feels like great advice. i posted last month elsewhere about fear that my relationship was in a death spiral, because our typically very healthy approach ("let's move as quickly as we can from fighting each other to working together to solve the problem") seem to be taking with a series of deep disagreements, and i realized i suddenly wasn't sure if the other half was still in it to win it with me or not--when we crossed that bridge explicitly (she is still in it to win it, as it happens), the sky turned much bluer for us both again.

*seemed not to be taking

picking your battles is *definitely* a fine line/judgment call. there have definitely been times when i knew it was necessary to get a little messy in order to figure something out. and then... there have been other times!

a series of deep disagreements

As a veteran of a 33 year marriage, I can assure you that even very successful relationships are going to have a final set of residual disagreements and incompatibilities that are not susceptible to resolution. You just have to find an accommodation that reduces the friction when they arise.

separate accommodation if necessary

I have to be real honest, I'd still be living in my own flat instead of with my feller if I'd had the choice, but he lost his job and I couldnt sit back and watch him and his kids get evicted, so I moved in to help out. Still stuck there 2 years later lol.

(not cos hes still not working! just cos why bother changing things now...)

I’m pretty sure “why bother changing things now” eventually becomes the foundation of most relationships

Hahaah.. haaa... yes... :/

most relationships are pretty bad is the thing tho

well at least my parents prepared me quite well for this fucking diabolical life!

oh boy aint that the fuckin truth tho

one of the reasons im the content and happy souls i am

My parents have a terrible relationship and should've divorced years and years ago. I recoil every time I've behaved like them; it's effort to not.

i havent the constitution to survive behaving like my folks tbph

"'Fighting' is not good, if it's per se, but boy... I escaped a relationship partly due to fighting 7, 8 years ago (it turned physical, too, which was a deal-breaker for me). The complete absence of fighting in my new relation though is getting on my nerves. Big time. It's not healthy either.

― Google Atheist (Le Bateau Ivre)"

if it's any consolation you _will_ get to the fighty bit eventually

"1. what's for tea

Forgive my cultural ignorance, but isn't it usually...tea?

― change display name (Jordan)"

oh my god, you savage, you've never heard "the who sell out"?

i have to chime in and say that i think relationships can be great! but indeed, they have caused some of the worst pain i have ever experienced. i mean, having a healthy relationship with yourself is hard enough.

having a healthy relationship with yourself is hard enough.

truth bomb

sometimes when you're fighting it's a good idea to have sex and then finish talking after

true regardless of activity swapped in for "fighting"

^^truth bomb

oh my god, you savage, you've never heard "the who sell out"?

Nope, I haven't heard a lot of things!

In ref to your question upthread, J - I don't know if someone else answered this but "tea" is sometimes used in the UK to mean "dinner" (see also "pudding" being used to mean dessert) and yes it can be v v confusing at first.

I am not sure why I put quotations around dinner there. I am not awake yet.

oh i dunno if tea is dinner

its more like

they dont have dinner

they have tea or supper

or there is a blurry tea-dinner-supper timeline depending on when you eat

or it can only be tea or supper if you have a buttered piece to mop up

look tbph idk htf they conquered us or anyone else they are a bizzarre cult

omg stop it you're making it more confusing

I don't think most people differentiate between supper and dinner here so I could have just said tea is sometimes used to mean the evening meal.

also, lol

So is tea never dinner there? Tea is always tea?

Tea is dinner but sometimes dinner is lunch and pudding is dessert unless it's black pudding which is delicious. Guv'nor.

tea in scotland can def mean dinner in the 'evening meal' sense

high tea is, of course, something completely different

herself insists sunday dinner is a 2pm latest term

thats brunch i say thats brunch

she remains coolly distant

did i ever mention her mother is english did i

good news: you're both wrong

well at least i dont have to fight with her about it thread delivers

bad news: now you and i have to have make-up sex

there is never a right time for that but thks